Mindspace

My Mother once told me: through suffering and pain there is light. A crack in the closet door as you hid; giving you enough light to see your favorite bears smile. 

She told me though heartbreak and disappointment I would learn to see the world anew. A snake shedding her skin into a fresher cleaner more confident version of herself.

For years you held my head above the torental waters; protected me from the beasts below. 

Oh Mother! Hear your daughter cry out in triumph! 

For she has surfaced reborn! No longer shackled by others expectations and burdened by their beliefs! She has found a way to be wholly herself and she had found thoes who love her for her! 

My Mother, Maiden, Crone! You have blessed me! I will be your disciple forevermore! At the crossroads where we met, with your key to my destiny, I bring you this offering;

The daisy that sat on the window seal; watching my pain. Holding my agony, and cradling my grief. 

It belongs to you, I offer you my pain and my suffering, my negative thoughts and my uncertainty!

Take it all from me! Oh, Mother! 

In exchange, I will tribute all of my newfound happiness and power to you my goddess! 

Thank you, Oh Mother, to saving me in my darkest time and showing my the light at the bottom of the cliff..

For I have found Love, I have found Grace.

I have found everything I've been searching for. 

-Pandaish

In a field abuzz with life; golden waves of grain in the swirls of the cool mountain breeze. A deep calm green. A stark contrast to His icy blue; a glacier against the deep ocean. Striking.

The pine trees whisper our desires though our curly hair. The sweet scent of clover and honey blends in His scent; Oud and Bergmont caressing us like opium in the air lingering inside our very souls.

The sun kissing our bare skin, hot and soothing; His hands as they memorize our every curve and dip. The silky clouds in the sky floating across our cheeks lazily and seductively. 

The solid warm earth beneath us, steady and at peace; His chest as he holds us tightly, His heart beat reminds us that we are alive and we are His. A promise in His arms that says:

*We are safe.*

*We are Loved.*

A babbling brook to the right, a gentle song swaying to the rhythm of our souls; His laughter, His voice. Like a contemporary woodwind it's tone is warm like amber, joy in every note. 

As I look over to my sister in arms, her eyes meet mine. A silent conversation; a mutual agreement. We must protect, We must love, We must be His completely. 

Together We will be His. 

Together We will keep Him safe. 

A fluffle in the field natural and pure. Together We will hop through this large field of a world and learn how to be,

Together

Us Three. 

As the sun sets, We watch our Alpha be His truest self. Strong, brave, kind and compassionate. Our hands intertwined with rope, a promise is made; with our all We will be His. 

Alpha! Hears us as We call! We crave you to Our very souls! Your joy gives us strength! Your passion makes us weak! Please Sir, kiss us with your palm! Mark our bodies so the world may know;

That We are Yours 

And

You are Ours. 

A fluffle in a field of clover and honey, we together we are one. 

-Pandaish 

This world is filled with shapes; geometric puzzle pieces connecting every cell in our universe. The wild grapevine twisting around the  fencepost, warm and unaffected by passerbys. Immune to hatred and dismay. 

Let us exist together, thrive, be happy, be at peace. We will paint this world with a pallet of experiences. Tears and laughter. Excitement and joy. Together we support each other. 

Three. 

Us together. Us and He. 

Because we are a triangle. The strongest shape on earth. We will stay strong and together we will find everything we crave. Everything we need. Because we are we not I not he. We are whole, unable to be broken. 

Let's run head first, hand in hand! Let's go on this adventure together my sister in arms! I'll have your blind spots as He has our backs. 

For he is our Alpha.

And we are his Betas.

An unbreakable team.

"A triangle is considered the strongest geometric shape because it is inherently rigid, meaning it cannot change its shape without altering the length of its sides, allowing it to distribute force evenly across all three sides, making it highly resistant to deformation under pressure." 

I strongly believe that love is the strongest and purest form of energy on this planet, existing in so many forms it is everywhere. Respect is the next. A mutual agreement between souls that see kinship in one another. Trust is the scariest part for me. To be vulnerable; naked, bare your soul and heart on a silver platter, to allow yourself to be loved and cared for by thoes who want to do so without having to ask...that is hard for me, but I am ready. 

-Pandaish

The ember now aflame, anticipation hot and raw like the surface of the sun, yet I am not afraid to be burned.

On the contrary, 

I crave you. I need to feel your scalding fingertips as they drag the pleasure from my very atoms. Into the cosmos my mind explodes into a million pieces. 

I want to feel your propritorial claws mark my skin; the deepest reminder of whom I belong. The soft cold leather around my neck, biting into my skin aflame keeping me in the atmosphere.

I want to feel your hard body against my softer one. Your arms fit perfectly around my waist, my face in your neck; Intoxicating balance created in the foothold of nature itself; the elegant free fall of raptors' Vows.

I yearn for your breath in my ear, a reminder that your desire for me affects you more then your stoic gaze let's on. Your deliciously tight control about to break as I see your jaw tighten. I can smell my own arousal. 

I beg for your hand. Lay it on me as you see fit for my body is 

Yours 

Alone.

I need your fire to consume me entirely, make me that mindless toy. Use me over and over and never let me go. Drown me in your scent; let me loose my sense of self. To become one again with the universe of only for a moment.

Closer 

And

Closer

My body synched with yours it reacts to your commands as naturally as taking in air. Allow me to breathe you in deeply and become entrapped by your essence. 

Allow me to believe, if only for a moment there is no one and nothing but you and I in this entire universe; chosen by the stars themselves. Do we defy them? 

The anticipation of all you promise fills like my veins will split and my core will explode. Please touch me. If I loose myself, I am going to loose myself to you.

-Pandaish 

Let's talk about Surrender. An elephant on my shoulders I felt chained down. Bound by my own sense of duty I suffered and wilted; that lone daisy in the window seal of my kitchen.

Being a child born from addiction. I learned to keep together control of everything I could. Tightly I wove my control into my very bones; barbed wire writhing around my ribs and through my lungs. 

My mother was a woman of free love. She loved whoever kept her safe, a term she used loosely. Her love came in the shades of blue and purple and always hid it's best behind a smile. A raindrop on a dreary day. 

My journey to heal myself has be long and hard; Never ending and as bitter as a grudge of a woman scorned. I have learned that my love is pure and big enough for more then a single person. I love who I love. I don't hold back. I don't give a little of myself. 

I love

With all

That I am. 

Surrender has come with serenity. A peace I am only just getting to meet. I am a woman of density. A purity of love that I won't let years of pain and scorn tarnish for I know how rare and truly beautiful it is.

I surrender to fate, threads of burlap and silk tightly woven on the tapestry of my life. 

-Pandaish 

I can still feel the press of his lips, soft and harsh at the same time. In an instant the dingy, rainy day turned into a rainbow of explosion, suddenly the sun was pushing its way into my space, giving me no other choice but to be consumed by his light. 

He lit a fire that had been barely embers for years. Flames erupt, consume; they lick at my ribs and kiss my thighs. A fireplace on a cold snowy day, his scent burns my nose and swirls within my mind. All consuming, and I am so ready to be swallowed. 

The desire that I had tied tightly, bound by my control and my walls, bursts through like a failed dam, gushing from within me. I am ready. A simple touch, a moment of intense passion. 

I wanted to dive head first into his complexity. 

I wanted to feel his heat from within, all over, consuming and raw. 

Wait. Not yet. Just a taste of what is to come. Enough to keep me coming back over and over. 

I want him and his kiss told me he wanted me too. 

-Pandaish

I cradle my heart.

With my anxiety; split.

Please, I beg, save me. 

-Pandaish

We wear the mask that grins and lies,

It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—

This debt we pay to human guile;

With torn and bleeding hearts we smile

And mouth with myriad subtleties,

Why should the world be over-wise,

In counting all our tears and sighs?

Nay, let them only see us, while

     We wear the mask.

We smile, but oh great Christ, our cries

To thee from tortured souls arise.

We sing, but oh the clay is vile

Beneath our feet, and long the mile,

But let the world dream otherwise,

     We wear the mask!

-Paul Laurance Dunbar

This poem will always hold a special place in my heart. I first read it when I was 8 sitting in the local bus station waiting for my mom to finish "talking" to a guy she knew. I found this book of poetry sitting on the bench and this was the first poem I turned to. Who knew it would have such an impact. 

Their eyes are empty. Hollow as the goard that swallows sound like a forest when a predator is known. Not a fleck of spirit within; a void of apathy and malice.

Their hands are rough. Abruptly they claw; jagged and sharp. Filthy they mark my skin permanently. Bruses like a plum flattened into my body.

Their teeth are deadly. As sharp as a surgeons scalpel they gleam. Glistening and dripping with hatred. Disturbing they smile, a silent promise of pain. 

Their words are cruel. Empty promises and complements flow; red as blood against the snow. Unabashed insults and bottomless doubt fill your ears.

Who are they, this monster who stalks me daily. Torturously slinking at the edge of my vision. Hiding when I try to show someone else. They make fun of my heart. They carve up my body. They gaslight my mind. 

They are the worst, they are steadfast. 

Forever I will be followed by this beast. 

I won't ever be rid of them. Not a silver stake nor holy water will exorcize them. Not a spell or incantation. I am stuck forever with this demon of hatred.

As I look in the mirror I see them even now at the end of the day after my energy has been spent, they followed me home. 

They are me. 

I am a monster. 

-Pandaish

Let's talk about rope; diverse as the clouds in the sky. Thick or thin, soft or rough, the yin and yang of this incredible strand takes away all the thoughts that plague my brain. Good and bad there is only Him. 

Soft and whispy, pale palette of pinks and reds it kisses my skin. Warm as the summer sun in the morning;  Gentle and kind it tells me I am safe. Just the beginning of brand new journey, it launches me into the atmosphere and I never want to come back down. 

Strong and slick, a cord of fiber twisted into an unbreakable bind. As a hand through the fog it grounds me and reminds me I am alive. Like the north star to a person so lost, it is there and firm in it's stance; not even my anxious mind can argue. 

Natural and rough, a lash of abrasive pressure it keeps me focused and out of the daze that freedom always brings; just enough to remember what's happening. Teach me and tell me how to please. As a leash to a pet guidance is what You offer with a hand so strong...covered in a black glove. 

With skill and grace, tenderness and unyielding hands covered in black will set me free with a pinion of hemp. Chest and soul exposed and caged at the same time; so raw and primal. 

Set me free by binding my body so that my soul may soar! With rope against my skin I can be the purest form of me. 

-Pandaish