Mindspace

There is something about the way his eyes soften when he looks at me;

Like a warm breeze on a late summer evening, caressing your skin. 

Like a predator stalking his pray, the glint there promising to devour. 

There is something about the curve of his smile; 

Like the soft sunlight of the dawn reflecting off the faceted ocean.

Like a good belly laugh that makes your eyes water. 

There is something about the way he holds me, so close it swallows me whole;

Like a hot bath on a wet, cold Wednesday evening. 

Like a warm bed early in the morning on your day off with no plans or obligations. 

He has a way of taking all my fear and pain away, all my sadness and self loathing, gone; 

Like the kindest black hole, so deep and utterly benevolent.

Like a strong tree shading you from the scorching sun. 

He is, more then words can possibly describe. 

Soft and stern.

A protector.

A friend. 

A mentor. 

He has the ability to silence the voices that threaten to consume me everyday;

Like a pair of warm earmuffs during the first snow of the briar winter. 

Like your favorite song, where you stop to sing at the top of your lungs. 

His heartbeat sings a melody, as I lay my head on his chest; 

There, nothing else exists. 

Just us. 

I never expected in my life, that I would find someone as he. Someone who isn't afraid like I am, someone who can see through all of me; to the very core. 

He holds my heart in his hands and he keeps it safe and when he looks at me, with eyes that scream from the heavens, I know I have been given a gift. 

My whole life, I have sacrificed myself for everyone else. The daughter who cared for her father, the sister who raised the younger sibling, the wife who takes care of the home. 

With him, I am the little girl I was never allowed to be. My heart sings and my smile hurts. 

Everyday, he is there, reminding me not to give up, never to give in to the pain of the world, as a person who becomes totally consumed by emotion, I live an unstable life;

He is my rock; keeping me here on earth. 

He has scars, and so do I. The balm that soothes, the salve that heals; he is the greatest medicine. 

The moment I am in his arms, there is nothing else. 

I wear his collar with pride and the little in me sticks my tongue out to all thoes others who seek to steal him, as he is mine. 

I only wish to honor him, to make him proud to have me.

I want to take his pain away, and soothe the wounds he has yet to share. I want to see the smile on his face for the rest of my life.

I only hope that one day, there will be nothing in the way and we can watch the sunsets together and just be. 

Someday...

-Pandaish

There's is a lot of stress and negative feelings right now for me on the cage. A place that once served as a safe haven where I could openly express my creative outlook on events that happen in my life. 

I am not eloquent.

I am not graceful.

Tact is something I severely lack. I have a hard time decerning boundaries and my people pleasing personality makes it hard for me to press others, I have a very high (sometimes at a fault) level of human respect and thus, I tend keep to myself when it comes to stressors. 

Though I have been observing the drama close to home here on the cage, I had distinctly make a point to stay out of it; to stay neutral.

Silence is the same as allowing it to happen. 

And though I know I am but a single person, I do feel that I have quite a different insight then the ones you may have read thus far. 

I met my Dom on this platform, surprised by a profile that was complete and local I decided to reach out, being in a community what houses a super church, bdsm and the lgbtq+ community are often hidden, so i was very excited to meet someone in the life style.

I came on to him. I reached out, I asked him after a bit of chatting if he was interested in a bull position, as my husband and I were an active stag and vixen couple. He agreed, and we set up a face to face with all three of us.  

We met. I had a panic attack in the parking lot, a full scale crying panic attack, but we met and we clicked. Something about his charm and willingness to share himself to make me and my husband comfortable was something that didnt go unnoticed. 

That was the beginning. 

Life happens and before we ever had the chance to even be physically intimate, I started to fall for him. 

People are unique chaotic creatures. Horrifying and beautiful at the same time. I starting watching him, and at some point I finally came to him and offered him my submission, I practically handed him my leash. I am a person of certainties, so I know what I want when I want it. 

I didnt know if he was in other relationships or with other women..I didnt care, if that makes me a bad person, then it looks like I am going to hell. 

But something in me told me this person was going to be very significant, if i would just help that spark grow. So I did. Relationships are messy just as people are, sometimes we need to heal as individuals before we can be what we want for others. This is something I know personally and I have the empathetic composition to help others heal as well, because healing is dirty. Its a brand new dropped cellphone that you skipped buying the warranty for into a muddy puddle on a stormy day when your car just broke down on a street you aren't familiar with in the dark. 

Knowing that, I decided to stay because I am able to see that all involved are just people in pain, who need to heal and work out why they felt the need to contact me. Yes, mistakes were made, but we are all sin incarnate, what shows the true potential of a soul is how they deal with problems and mistakes.

Accountability, growth, compassion. 

People are messy, but when we loose our humanity and compassion is when we truly begin to loose ourselves. When we attack others...regardless of a past, or pain afflicted. We loose that spark within us.

This world is filled with hate..pain..suffering. 

He and I have been together for over a year now. Our relationship is complex and it can be strained at times, but he and I know that sometimes love takes work and being willing to put in the work, not just trying to force someone to be what you want them to be and then throwing a tantrum on social media like a teenager when you dont get your way. Our relationship is quiet, but the strongest bonds are. I decided that he was worth the effort. That he, as a man, is worth. 

He is my rock. 

Our time together has only solidified my bond to him. 

*We are always the villain in someone else's story.*

Its easy to blast people on the internet where there aren't any significant consequences (I come from the cyber bullying generation) but that will only reveal the work that still needs to be done in that individual. To intentionally target and intend harm to someone BECAUSE THEY BROKE UP WITH YOU is borderline unstable. It makes me feel unsafe and uncomfortable. 

But overall, I feel pity. Pity that you dislike yourself so much that you have to see someone in pain to feel better. And what's worse you involve multiple people and create more chaos because you have not gained the grace required to handle a situation such as this, and its just sloppy. Taking a platform where people are to mentally and to creatively express themselves safely, and corrupting it with juvenile drama, when affects everyone who in active on this platform is pathetic.

Shame on you. I had once thought better of you. No longer. 

We as a community, need to understand that we are all we have. If we cannot handle something maturely, then it will all fall apart. 

I know a different side, and if you really want to know, then please ask. 

Someone who draws conclusions based on strictly bias information are actively choosing to stay ignorant and become part of the problem. Grow people. Its the only real thing we as individuals can control in this world. 

-Pandaish

Let's talk about something, not just any something but a very specific something. 

You know that moment when you dissappear into a fantasy, the moment the cacophony of the world we live in suddenly becomes muted like your laying beneath the surface of the bathwater, the warmth embracing your naked body like a cocoon.

The weighlessness you feel when the images overtake your frontal vision and you suddenly exist within a space where you feel their hands; hot feathers leaving trails of burning desire along your body. The heat of their breath on your neck, instantly uncomfortably cold from its absence; like a rose without its petals. Their hands your waist; around your throat. 

Amidst the fever daydream, breathing and heart rate changes. Your body remembering so intently how their hands feel so euphoric. Your brain becomes mush as you cant do anything but focus on their hands their commands, their challenges, you forget where you are. Time stops and all you can do is surrender to the tide as it pulls you deeper into the waves of desire. 

Suddenly you are surrounded by their scent...his scent. Your eyes roll back and your core ignites, flames like the sun setting in the sky, both wonderfully soft and painfully beautiful. The way his hands feel on your skin pulls the goosebumps from the depths of your very soul. You feel them wrapping around your desire and making you beg for release. 

You lick your lips, the taste of him lingering there, if only but a ghost of a memory. You feel your mouth start to salivate, as if you were being teased with the gods ambrosia itself; addicted to his essence. 

This state of existing in an alternate dimension all consuming. 

If I could bottle it up and sell it, I would be the next drug overlord; ridding the world anger and depression one dopamine fix at a time. 

I know my Daddy is all I need to fix anything I have, a stern word, his hands around my throat, his ropes biting my skin, his....body one with mine; the creation of the cosmos exploding within my center. Almost too much for me to take, on the precipice of enlightenment as his strong arms keep me grounded, letting me fly but keeping me safe. 

Who else had this experience, this level of peace they can carry with them to help when times get long and hard? (Pun intended) 

This is the very essence of what keeps me going through my day. Without him, without his hands, I would be lost in this world. Mine. 

-Pandaish

In the quiet arms of solitude, I find my restless peace; I crave the words of comfort yet I let the relations cease.

I bask in the warmth of silence and seclusion; don't get me wrong, this is my safe haven, my own decision. 

The moments I belive no one will truly understand my mind, the weight if it lingers, unseen by the blinds. Not blind to the world or it's endless art, but blind to the complexities I hide inside my heart. 

I yearn for a shoulder I could cry on and wonder- 

Would anyone see the wounds and scars that I hide under? Could I be understood for my melancholy and nostalgia?

Would they be horrified of my borne sadness? I live in that paranoia. 

So I choose a soft blanket and the silence embrace. I remove myself from the crowds that many chase. 

Living in the cocoon of my dreams and imagination. For I prefer the quiet hum over the world's temptation.

I have always been interested in zodiacs; from the day I watched the thirteenth ghost (traumatizing as a child) I've been mildly obsessed with the zodiacs. 

Though fun to read and use as a guide, their descriptions are always generalized and never fits any 1 person perfectly. So here I pose a question; out of 3 different cultures zodiacs, how many characteristics do they share? 

Here are some quick characteristics of my birth year; 

The Bull: (Western)Traits

Loyal: Taureans are known for being loyal and dependable.  
Practical: They are known for being practical and achievement-oriented.  
Generous: They are known for being generous and enjoying sharing their bounty with others.  
Sensual: They are known for being sensual and enjoying the finer things in life.  
Compassionate: They are known for being compassionate and gentle.  
Artistic: They are known for being artistic and creative. 

The 'Wood' Boar: (Chinese) Traits

Strong-willed: Wood Pigs are determined and don't take no for an answer.

Practical: They are down-to-earth and enjoy working on projects.

Generous: They are known for being kind and giving.

Compassionate: They are caring and considerate.

Responsible: They are diligent and focus on what needs to be done.

Easygoing: They are laid back and enjoy happiness.

Sincere: They are honest and have strong emotional awareness.

The Willow Tree (Celtic) Traits: 

Creative and intuitive: Highly creative and intuitive, and have a realistic perspective on life.

Intelligent: Intelligent and have a natural ability to retain knowledge.

Patient: Patient and down to earth, and understand that every situation has a season.

Kind and polite: Known for their kindness and politeness, and don't want to cause offense.

Sense of humor: The have a wicked sense of humor and love to joke around with friends.

Personally I feel all of these embody myself a s a person though I am not limited to these traits. People are the most beautiful creation. And that in turn leaves it up to us how we are going to be and present ourselves to the world. 

Overall, I love the zodiac. Even was gifted a septum piercing that I've been wanting to get for over 5 years now by my wonderful Sir, Mr Gregory and since then I've felt a lot more comfortable in my own skin; embracing who we are on the inside is very important and it's always amazing to be surrounded by individuals whom want to only foster your growth. 

-Pandaish (The Bull)

Let's talk about home. A word so commonly used in everyday life, yet what does it truly mean?

Is it a place? The morning mist like a blanket over the rolling hills as they strech their hands in preparation of spring itself; like a sinner begging for forgiveness from his God. 

Or is it a state of being? An energy aura that envelopes you in it's warmth. A serenity that brings utter peace within your normally chaotic self. A single water drip on a pool still. 

Could it be a person or certain people? A safe place to be yourself, no fear of judgement or rejection. A lazy bubble tub day in the late summer sun; blends of red and orange like the sweetest popsicle. 

This person, a lonely heart in her 30 years years of life, has had many opportunities for home and many of thoes opportunities taken from her by no choice of her own. She has also found beautiful glimpses of home, a fragment here and there, a beam of sunlight through the tree branches. 

I have found home with my husband and with my child of 1 year. A place where I can be happy and a place where I can be completely broken. Yet I've always felt that there was something missing. A small peice of my soul that waited.

Until the day I decided..

And since I decided that I was done setting for only partly happy when I knew if I just embraced who I was then I could be fully happy. 

Next week I will be complete. We will be complete. And I cannot wait. I'm terrified but I know I am safe. 

A pardox as sweet as iced tea on a Texas porch. 

An enigma that was always elusive even to myself. 

A lonely girl waiting for a friend. 

A woman waiting for a strong, firm hand to help me feel safe. 

A mother new and afraid but so happy. 

A wife loyal and supportive I will always love you. 

I am a tangle puzzle and I am ready to be figured out! 

Look at me. What do you see? A brilliant smile, a tall stride; a clever silhouette reflecting confidence and power. 

Do you see how I smile with my eyes everytime? See how my smile showes all my teeth? My voice is loud and clear it rings like bells through the pews. Let my song take you to church. Let my words comfort you. 

My studies are always priority, which makes me an excellent slave. I wear my kindness like armor. For whom truly wants to be mad and hostile toward a little piece of sunshine?

But

I am in fact hollow. Your words don't taint me because there is nothing left to rot. Your glares don't hurt me because I glare at myself everyday. Your insults can't cut me because I am already shredded.

I am Hollow; I am here to be an extra, the spare character in the story that is here for a chapter, helps the heroine and then mysteriously is never mentioned again. 

A pretty face/an empty shell. 

Hollow.

What does it feel like? To feel anything? To be able to have no fear of hurting others? How to I begin to fill myself when all I do is try repeatedly only to fail? 

How do I become...full? 

And not hollow..

-Pandaish

Inbox Only:

2024 is almost over, so RESPECTFULLY confess something you've wanted to tell me. It will be between us.

~Put this as your status and see who surprises you.~ Hoping I don't regret doing this.

Original challenge can be found here:

https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=117847

Emotion. Embraced like the sun in the sky; blinding and oh so comfortable. Smear me with your love, red and orange across my body; I fear I may burst into a million colors. 

A prism of me spilling from my soul and onto the canvas of my life. Each person I meet adds another hue. Light and dark energies pass through the crystal of my heart. Reflecting and being reflected; swimming in a whirlpool of auras.

Hold my hand and blend your beautiful rainbow with mine until they cannot be pulled separate again. Let us create something new, something uniquely ours. 

Let Us Dance and create a borealis of color! Take me in your strong arms marked by ink of your life and spin me in beautiful patterns. Dip me into the stars and as we twirl the universe will be created anew.

As you caress me and I hold you to my breast the planets will realign and new galaxies will be born. 

Let Us Dance and forget the world for just one day. Let it just be us. Allow me to be what you need, to be strong so you may rest. Let me swirl around you while you watch. My curls as flower petals and my hips and legs like rolling hills. 

I will sing of love and passion my voice soft as a babbling brook. Let us caress each other with thoughts and dreams; paint them on the ceiling as we lay warm and safe. 

Let us Dance; our bodies learning one another. Each spot that will cause us to melt into eachothers arms. Take a trip in each other's  kaleidoscopic eyes, seeing the world in technicolor. 

As I curtsy, head low...hands up.. neck exposed, I ask you shyly, " May we Sir?" and without a moments hesitation, you said, 

"Let Us Dance." 

-Pandaish

A sigh hangs at the back of my throat. Today was hard: a cold rock on the river bank on a wet  dreary day. 

I refused to let pain win; I held my shield high and kept my smile bright. My kind words; the sharpest blade. My compassion my arrow and quiver; my love the bow.

There were times I thought the arrowhead of the enemy might have passed through my armor; reflexes of a war aged worrier had saved me once again and with a dynamic dance I navigated the day.

I gave my last piece of bread to the hungry just to see the smile on his face. Driven by some unseen duty I give myself. *Self punishment?*

But..

I am exhausted at the end of my daily battle. Nothing left to give but my words..and sometimes not even thoes.

Sometimes I mess up. 

Sometimes I say stupid things.

Sometimes I unintentionally hurt thoes I love the most. 

And it kills me to know that if I had just not given my everything to everyone else and saved enough for the ones I love the most, I would not hurt them as I do by accident. A horse running so fast and hard that it's heart gives out.

My brain circles; 

"It's your fault" 

"You always mess up somehow." 

The voice in my head that tells me as soon as I relax, I hurt someone. I am a monster. I am pathetic. The creature looking back at me in the mirror; fangs dripping with the carnage of my loved ones hearts. 

I'm sorry I messed up.. even if I don't know what I did.

My sigh hangs heavy in the back of my throat. I dare not let it loose as I couldn't dare the risk of being seen as burdensome or dramatic.

The sigh hangs... 

-Pandaish