It's been awhile since I last posted here. I don't like censorship. I got into dollification and bimbofication, finally wrote back someone during my isolation phase, and he is not Jewish but he is very kind. I like him a lot, but I'm not sure if it will work out. I posted more on youtube and started my own website to blog on because I was in my feelings about my posts getting deleted.
It was a very hard year fam. But there are good people on here and I wish you all the best and my apologies if I acted like a dick to anyone.
p.s. I failed because I already got blocked by at least three dumbasses sending me boiler plate messages about how they are old and want additional slaves or put no time into reading my profile and they thought i was too dumb to notice. I suck lol
I just discovered that the mods here deleted more of my blog posts. The excuse this time is that I posted that I changed my username here. The shit y'all let slide while fucking with me at least four times now is sad as hell. I've never hurt a fly. Meanwhile you allow predators to keep being predators. Get a life. Now i gotta start another website just to blog??? lame
I made a stupid video last night and couldn't sleep, so I rewatched this film. I'm almost done with it, and then I'm going to try to catch up on some sleep. I relate heavily to the head factory engineer female who was a single mom. The whole story. And this Georgian Goga guy is sort of my ideal mate too. He's not pretentious, he can kick some ass, he protects women, is spontaneous and creative. Also, he can cook and is well-read and good with his hands. I'm not looking for my hilarious Gruzini Gosha, but if it's meant to be, that mf will find me. I'm done being a pick me for guys and it goes against my nature anyway.
In terms of the dollification, I am able to afford some extensions and a haircut right now, and then I have to give it a rest and focus on making money and fitness. Self-care does not come natural to me anymore, but I was better with it before I got into that terrible relationship. I had to make a lot of crazy ass sacrifices to build this small business that sustains me and my daughter now. I'm not mega successful, but I don't plan on stopping at all. When I was growing this business, I had three crappy outfits and couldn't afford a lot things I needed unless it happened to be at dollar tree. I do still sleep in the living room just like this woman in the film, but I have an office now. I used to skip meals. I love vegetables, but noodles were cheaper so I ate those. I couldn't afford the dentist. I have some minor medical conditions that I couldn't get proper treatment for. My car was always fucked up and a lot of times out of commission. I had two pairs of shoes. I still haven't been on a vacation since my twenties. I couldn't afford makeup or skincare or any of that. I did what I had to do to give my kid a proper life. I used to have to move constantly because I didn't have good enough credit to rent a permanent place. And the 600 dollar an hour lawyer fees for years because my ex was trying to fuck with me by filing several lawsuits to break me down psychologically for leverage. And losing my close family members at the same time and just focusing on protecting my mom and my daughter because I didn't want them to get mentally fucked up.
I still have no idea how I'm going to be happy in the silicon valley because it's very hard for me to afford the life I want. I am an academic and an intellectual woman who just wanted to be a homemaker. I really wish I could live somewhere else, but I can't until my kid turns 18. I had to become a whole small business person to become independent from my abusive ex. There were no accommodations made for neurodivergent professionals who didn't fit into office life, so I had to go harder and figure out another way. I'm so grateful for covid because society finally realized we don't have to be in these oppressive offices in order to create value. So I feel that there is way more opportunity in the world now and the future is brighter for autistic folk.
Tomorrow my job is to make a schedule for myself, goals, and a couple of lists. These are not things that I'm good at. I'm an INTP, lol. I don't want to give up on becoming a doll, so I'm not going to. It's just going to take better planning and more patience, not to mention way more time. I plan on making this year the best year of my life.
Here's the first part of the film if you are interested. The whole thing and many other soviet-era films are on youtube for free. I highly recommend them.
Kvetching time. And I'm not at shul right now because I don't go during the high holidays. It's too crowded. My tradition is orthodox judaism and women don't really go to the synagogue unless they want to. The rabbis assume that we have more important things to do, they trust us much more than the guys, and we are compared to a Torah scroll or a walking synagogue and overall on a much higher spiritual level so we don't need to form a minyan to have our prayers amplified.
I did bake a yummy honey cake yesterday and cooked a bunch of festive holiday dishes for my family.
So on to my sexuality on this auspicious occasion. I'm struggling. I thought that if I just dipped my toes in and avoided a BDSM relationship I could deal and be more accepting. I'm not judgmental about what other people are into and I thought that if I kept it casual I could remain unbothered and take the pressure off. I'm feeling really drained with these exchanges and want to give up. Some of it is faulty thinking on my part and some of it is definitely my communication deficits. So I will work on those privately.
I can't be friends with, let alone be in a dynamic with a person I don't respect. I have no respect for married guys that are not honest with their wives. I have no respect for guys who want to involve me in polyamorous relationships. I have no respect for men who want to degrade and break down women. I have no respect for men who have kids and don't support them. I can't deal with guys who don't have their lives together before they start talking to women. All that is just weak behavior.
I know that many people may not understand why it bothers me so much. I'm really introverted and social interaction drains my energy quickly. Energy I should be spending working on and building businesses to get that cash. I was getting a lot of shit for ignoring these messages, so I started answering honestly here and there. The men get furious and start insulting me 9 out of 10 times. I do think it's important not to isolate myself and I am ready to connect on some level with a man. Their stupidity starts making me feel bad about myself though... Like there is something wrong with me for attracting verbal abuse and irresponsibility.
Hopefully I'm just tired. I'm going to take the ad down and hibernate for a little while. And I also feel bad because if I didn't have this social anxiety and autism I could actually talk to the people who approach me irl and not have to deal with fat broke married guys who want to abuse women. I'm going back to focusing on myself and my own happiness indefinitely. These guys are not worth it and they sure as shit are not concerned about my welfare.
But see I'll never get Why the earth is a puzzle that I'll never fit I'm not of their world So why should I leave my sanctuary? Man, the whole thought of that is scary How do I know that their kind will truly hear me out? Will they understand I'm flyin' from a different route? - Kid Cudi
Hi there folks. I wanted to start by saying thank you to all of the people who have reached out to me; it's flattering as hell. And this time it seems a bit different from the other times I've tried to put myself out there. I'm getting a lot of honest and direct communication, and yes, there are dumb people trying to run game on me, but it's been an overall positive experience. I'm going to keep up the ad and maybe update it when I'm actually ready for a real relationship. At this point I need to keep things really casual because being open to any sort of contact still causes anxiety. I tell no lies when I say that I could easily spend the rest of my life in a weird ass relationship with myself, lol.
Several people I chatted with told me that they thought I had an attitude and/or was a bitch before they conversed irl. This is actually true and I am not offended at all. Here are some of the reasons why I'm a little spikey
1. Brooklyn born (FYI I don't condone that white guy saying the n-word and I don't see that a lot, but this is otherwise pretty accurate). And not fancy brooklyn (but not projects either not trying to front)
2. Being bullied a lot because I am autistic
3. Being a single mom who hasn't figured out a way to fit in with the married couples in my community
4. Dealing with some abuse in my past (that I've gotten over finally but it took a really long time)
5. Feeling like a 'poor' outsider since moving to the silicon valley. I have to hustle a ton to build a life for me and my kid.
6. I'm direct and not always 'nice' but I am very caring and helpful to my inner circle.
7. I'm a take lemons and make mother fucking lemonade person. I don't believe in being a victim and I am action-oriented.
8. A lot of people on this website and other websites did not come correct initially, so I felt like I had to build a bit of a wall to defend myself.
9. Fear
10. Being in wars (as a civilian)
11. Daddy issues because that motha fucka was not around to protect me when I needed him (my mom was/is a wonderful parent though and a very strong human)
I'm sure there's more, but I have to finish some data entry for my business and this awesome can of cider. If you wanna chat, hit me up. I usually keep this website up when I'm working if I'm in a somewhat chatty mood, but sometimes I also forget about the open tab and the cat steps on the laptop. Be well and thank you :)
They told me I should make a Yeezy diss But I don't fuckin' play I served the cr**** corn starch 'cause I don't fuck with Ye - BLP Kosher
I made a dating video because I got bored. Yes I'm embarrassed but I got to keep pushing myself because I want to grow. Going to clean that balcony and drink some cider now. I'll be around tonight trying to talk to some people until I get burned out on it.
I posted a personal ad here yesterday if you wanna check it out hahaha. To be honest, I kind of have a mixed relationship with the males on this website. I neurotically flip flop about whether I want to engage at all. I'm afraid to respond to my DMs here most of the time, even though you people (fake internet doms excluded) are overwhelmingly sympathetic and encouraging. And at least 95% of the women on this website are smarter than I am and can teach me shit, but social anxiety :(
This blog has taught me a lot about myself, and as a narcissist, this is useful information. All people are narcissists, calm down. I'm in a push pull relationship with humanity. I want people in my life, but I'm too afraid to let my guard down most of the time. There are actually good guys with similar interests messaging me and I'm going to give them a shot and respond.
BTW, I will never discuss any of my conversations with these guys or gossip about them on here. The only time I've ever said anything about anyone on this website it's been vague and with approval. My mom likes to gossip about me with my family and community and I hated that so much. It's one of the worst feelings ever. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother more than anyone else except maybe my kiddo, but keep my private business out of the streets maam. The yentas are relentless.
OK I'm not working today something is up with my health again yay so I'll respond to messages and thank you for reading. Shana Tova hevre
Yeah, said my happiness is all of your misery I put good dick all in my kidneys -Doja Cat
I'm a little sick again but I think it's just allergies getting to me and making me congested. So no ten mile run today which has been messing up my schedule and pissing me off. I'm not as schedule-obsessed as you would think I'd be so they are vague and sparse but I need that guiding light. And it's beautiful outside. I'm going to listen to study and hang out at home until I feel better. I hate slacking on my exercise and beauty routines because I go hard on my interests, but health first obviously.
I'm starting Rosh Hashana prep a bit early this year too so I don't get blindsided. Rosh Hashana, sukkot and purim are my favorite holidays.
I've got a couple of dating experiences lined up this week and I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Two dates. These are vanilla guys but one has a sense of humor and doesn't seem like he'd get all weird about sexual stuff. The other guy is not an internet guy he used to work with my ex. He is a doctor from the FSU so he's got two strikes against him already. I don't tend to get along with medical doctors. He is smart and maybe he will surprise me. And we went to the same two schools at mostly the same times, which is somewhat unusual. And you guys always get pissy in my DMs when I say this, but I like that bro is Jewish.
Apparently women are supposed to date a bunch of guys at one time, which is something I didn't know or ever try to do before. So I'm trying and I'm exhausted just thinking about this. I would like to have sex with one of these guys, but apparently I'm not supposed to do that either if I like them? My friend is teaching me dating rules and this shit makes no sense whatsoever. I hope going on two dates next week is not going to kill me. I should probably postpone one, but I'm feeling ready to actually find a guy that will indulge this doll shit or at least not be totally weirded out. I can wait another couple of years though too, no rush. But why not admit I want to experiment and actually try? There's no downside at this point and I'm confident enough that some sneaky predator is unlikely to fuck up my mental health too bad.
"All the aunties they talk about me How I know? 'Cause my mom told me" - Saint Levant
Today was a really good day and I'm feeling happy. My kid went to her dad's earlier this evening, and I have some seasonal allergies and minor aches so I went to the legal weed store. I do not have any local friends, but I do have associates I talk music with and sell sneakers and garments to. Some of these associates work at the local weed stores. I tend to vibe well with stoners for whatever reason.
So I showed up and saw this woman probably around my age yelling at one of the employees. Turns out he called her 'maam' and she got offended and flipped the fuck out. I didn't defend this boy's honor because I had no clue what went down and maybe he deserved it. But no, he did not. He is from Houston or some shit originally, and he was just trying to be polite. That got me thinking, I've never took 'maam' as an insult. I think the person is just being respectful. Folks only ever took me seriously when they didn't see me in person... Like via email. Even on the phone I'm a little shy and girly. I'm a keyboard gangster though and I'll be serious as hell via email, lol. I enjoy being called maam because I think folks are listening to the words coming out of my mouth for once. I refuse to be offended by a compliment.
No I do not want submissive guys to continue to message me. No offense.
I really am trying to get my courage up to try to actually agree to meet a guy from here eventually. I would like to play this doll shit with another human and I know I come off as tough and sort of confident but I haven't had sex in like five years and have had fewer than five sexual partners in my entire life. I am embarrassed by this I'm not humble bragging. And I'm autistic so I get nervous about my personality and I constantly think every man is a suspicious character. Paradoxically, I'm afraid of commitment so it's all kind of fucked up and nonsensical. I'm dipping my toes in the vanilla dating world, and it never seems to be the right time to discuss this fetish shit with these folks. But I don't want some low level project manager pretending to be dominant and telling me to lick his ass and calling me names when he is the real bitch of this group.
I would like to eventually try sex with another person but it's risky as hell. This is one behavior chain I would like to break, however.
People on youtube and other spots get mad at me for wanting a rich guy. Folks online have been trying to point me to that manosphere stuff because I do not have a suitable mate and I just date myself. I think they are trying to say that I am too old to find a mate because the men my age want a younger woman. I get that and I actually support that strategy big time. I don't want any more kids and I get a lot of messages from younger dudes who want me to have their babies and I'm all fuck no not for any amount of money in the world. And I don't really want a guy my age because I lived my twenties at two years old folks and there is a huge maturity gap still. I prefer a guy 10-25 years older because they typically have better stuff, are smarter, and can sometimes keep up with me intellectually. They also tend to appreciate me more because at that age you stop giving a fuck about keeping up appearances.
I think people get mad at me about wanting money because they are not putting themselves in my shoes. I have a disability and a lot of challenges and still I figured out how to survive alone with a kid. It's not amazing, but it's nothing to sneeze at in the San Francisco Bay Area. And it's hard as hell for an autistic person to develop these skills, especially a female autistic person. At least in the communities I've experienced (a lot), women are expected to be pro-social, extraverted, empathetic, put others before themselves, etc... etc.. Autistic women do not get the same amount of support and encouragement and fucking coddling that autistic guys do. And that's a fact. So my thinking is that if I could figure out how to get money my mate sure as shit should have that on lock too. I don't even want the guys money, I just don't want to date a broke boy. I don't have to and you can't make me. I love living alone and I do want to meet someone, just not someone who will require me to live a more challenging life or sacrifice to be with him. Daily life is an everyday struggle relationships shouldn't have to be struggle love. And there are like 10 guys for every girl in this city, but my crazy ass is too scared to leave the house to socialize so rest assured haters I probably will end up single for awhile, lol.
And I am from the gutter I don't come from money either. And I know that I look like I got left out of bad and boujee sometimes but I'm working on it with my human doll cosplay. So there. Great day ahead for the kid, me and the puppy! Hope you all have an amazing weekend as well. Thank you for keeping up with my dumb blog.
RIP Takeoff
p.s. I've been watching this lady on youtube because she is very smart. I don't understand social stuff a lot and I don't think jews have a 'cuffing season' (maybe b4 pesach a tiny bit???). I find the holidays annoying because it's hard to shop and there are more crowds and that christmas music sucks ass. And traffic and folks are on vacation. Halloween is cool though. I'm going to be Kanye dressed as Tyler the Creator in the Igor era. But I appreciate the PSA from this smart and savvy woman: