I don't express myself well verbally, but I wanted to try to unpack my feelings about autism and sexuality. It's a start. I'm just sort of thinking out loud and never gave it much thought before, so I apologize if I make little to no sense. Be well fam. Thanks for dealing with me
We don't see no lines, we don't color inside
It's a very small world, we don't fuck with the size - Mac Miller
I've been doing a lot of work on myself this year and I'm very proud of myself. I'm still a little bit stuck though. I try going out alone to meet folks and I'm successful at it, then I'm exhausted for days after and don't want to do it anymore. The best way I can describe it is like having a hangover that lasts days on end. I've tried pushing myself through it and ignoring the physical response, but then it gets way worse. Real talk, I've had autistic shutdowns from doing this (meltdowns when I was younger but I don't really get those anymore). I tried making the youtube videos to overcome social anxiety and I think that is a huge success, but it doesn't address the problem of being in unfamiliar environments around other people who are not in my 'inner circle of trust' for long periods of time. So I need to get really creative in order to continue to succeed and see progress.
My successes from this year:
Things I haven't done yet:
I'm proud of myself, but still scared as hell guys. Just have to take it one task at a time I guess.
Here's my dumb social anxiety therapy video. I'm trying, lol.
I'm also setting a goal of eventually adding an outline to these videos and learning how to edit. And maybe getting a real camera to produce higher quality videos. I'd like to do some trying on outfits with the 50s lingerie, which is tame as hell and should be fine for youtube. People who watch my channel seem to watch girls on something called periscope, so I plan on looking that up too to see if there is money to be made so I can buy better equipment. No I'm not starting an only fans because it would be the lamest only fans page ever. I will talk to you for free if I like you, otherwise I will ignore you or be a total bitch. I can lie, but I'm not great at it and it takes too much emotional and mental energy.
Have a great week to anyone reading. I really appreciate you for putting up with me hahahaha love you.
I swam all day and I am a tired lady. Good tired. I am very happy. I also finally finished my taxes (late as hell - like every year. am I even Jewish???) and I'm getting a bunch of money from the government so I thought to buy a wig for my doll project or maybe try botox for the first time. In case you didn't know, some, not all, Orthodox and Hasidic Jewish women wear wigs after they get married. I've tried wearing some of my old ones, and every time I do, a jew on the internet calls me out or my rabbi laughs at me. It's called a sheitel. They are expensive as hell. This one is over 9k and it doesn't include the cut and style. I donated my nice one to cancer patients to wear second-hand because they are that expensive. And I could have got a couple bands for it, but I wanted the tax write off and I care about cancer patients.
I want a lace front one, not the 9.2K one, but something really nice in a dark brown color. I want it to fit into the 50s aesthetic, so I would get it styled wavy. My new plan is trying to gamify being an office bitch for awhile and doing some roleplay with my future employer to make masking easier. Autistic people mask.
My thinking is that I can outsmart myself by making this a therapy goal and playing a role so I don't get too annoyed at other people and having to leave the house. It will be the role of my life. I'll wear my 50s doll shit, which will make a lot of people uncomfortable (especially myself), and I can get those benefits and practice submission by not stupid-zoning my future boss. I don't know where I will work yet, but I guarantee it's gonna be around some sloppy ass beta males who are intelligent, but highly undesirable. Hopefully this will keep my autistic brain busy long enough to get some stocks, benefits, and lots of cash. After that gets old, my thinking is that I can just work on my other businesses while they pay me, fuck around here, or automate something. I hope it works out for me. And if it doesn't, I'll have new income streams built up by the time I need to quit (hopefully).
I've been trying to wear corsets daily and I still can't deal with cinching them, but it does help my posture (which is horrendous), so that's a fucking win. They do make me look fat because I don't cinch them yet so that sucks. Good night playas.
"I'm a fucking homosexual" - Tyler the Creator
Surprisingly, I'm not even mad at them or annoyed. They are throwing a party on a Thursday. There are at least six people who live in that one bedroom apartment because it's so damn expensive in this city and they are either speaking Portuguese or Spanish. I am not bothered by loud ass neighbors, even though it would seem like something that I couldn't deal with because autism. I lived in this Brooklyn apartment adjacent to the Q train when I was trying to distance myself from friends and family in my community. People would come visit me and not be able to sleep. It was wonderful.
Tomorrow I am going to need to start grinding in an old school way because the money is getting low. Please don't hop into my DMs and try to lure me with sugar daddy requests because I'm talking about money. In my culture, we talk about money a lot. We don't consider it rude. It is polite conversation. If you pay rent, the people want to know how much you pay. If you own anything, the people need to know when you purchased it and at what price so they can determine if you got screwed over, if they are getting screwed over, if they can learn anything from your purchase or if they can help you. Me being a little broke does not mean that you need to send help via your goddamn penis. You've got the wrong one.
I've been researching my dog and apparently she is a big deal in Mexico City. Apparently there is a cool park / museum where they have ancient art and a small pack of Xolo dogs. My dog seems to be very similar to me in personality. She doesn't trust random motha fuckas, she likes walking and jogging but is reluctant to leave the house initially, and she enjoys being moisturized. She has chosen my daughter as her most-trusted family member even though she only looks to me for guidance. My daughter is loud as hell and a beast in her own right. I do love that they have this friendship. I'm grateful the dog found us and we found her!
I've been sick but I decided to make one. I entered the drawing to buy some yeezy slides in granite on the adidas confirmed app. Other pairs are now available in the US to buy immediately. I would search stockx for the sizes and models if you want to make money, but I'm personally not messing with this drop because I haven't done any research. These are for personal.
The whole video is just crap, but I think I lost some weight. Not sure how to stay thick while getting in better shape for the half marathon. Any tips that don't include surgery I'd love to know.
Here is what I always write:
I'm a 41 year old jewish autistic lady who has social anxiety. I make these videos to become more comfortable in front of the camera and expressing myself verbally. Another goal is to deal with all of the BS you get when you go online - like anti-semites, folks trying to finesse you and people who say you are dumb and ugly or retarded. These are not good things to say to people, but being unbothered is how you win against that crap. My progress since I started this in February is about 50% cured. I have more info in bio with links to some of the other projects I've been doing. It's tough out there, stay strong ladies and gents xoxoxo
I've been sick as hell for the past three days, which has totally fucked up my doll routine and work routine. I already wrote about what I learned on another blog (yes I am narcissistic enough to have more than one blog), but I'm mobile today. One of my autistic associates, my friend Shay and I thought it would be funny to do a cooking show. I stole this idea from Tyler (aka Mawk in the following video). The problem is that apparently I'm not the only autistic person who hates leaving their house, and Shay lives in Atlanta so it would have to be a zoom thing. And I don't know how to even edit videos or string two videos together yet.
I do know that I think it would be awesome to do it in my doll costume and come up with some kind of persona. And I was told by three people in big tech that due to reverse sexism it won't affect my career opportunities as an engineer if I need to go seek full-time employment again working for someone else (it's beginning to look like that unfortunately, because this doll stuff is expensive and all of the guy 'makers' seem to be jerks trying to get free access and sex with me and I'm not your ho).
Based on my interactions on other websites, this may be too controversial for Gen Z though. I used to vibe with Gen Z, but they are quite sensitive about word choice and homie can't really play that as an autistic person unless there is logic behind it.
No videos for at least another day or two. I have to focus on work because as a self-employed person, if I get sick I don't get paid. I still need to build more skills before I become office-ready and I need to develop more passive income streams. Thanks for dealing with me, I'll be back in a couple of days hopefully not looking like shit.
Apparently it's still like this. Neat, but actually not at all neat at the same time:
Hi friends,
It is incredibly uncomfortable getting involved in racial issues as jewish person who is white as hell but also not at all white at the same time. I have nightmares about going to prison and having to pretend to be white. But all of my non-jewish friends (and some of my jewish friends) are black. But as an autistic person, I'm not a great liar. So I end up calling out hypocrites in all camps and everyone thinks I suck because there is no personal benefit for me. But I believe in logic. I will never try to grandstand or divide people or be a racist asshole, but I will do one thing that's going to turn the community against me: If you don't support Meg thee Stallion fuck off.
Exhibits A and B
The only good song Chance made on this album (Acid Rap is a top 10 album for me)
And come on:
It sucks being a pretend white savior but please let the actual black people answer my forum post. Folks are messaging me saying my post is impossible and the fellow white knights can't resist. Not your job to whitesplain to us but do you or ignore it's not your job to educate us
Daily vlog (most days. I'm allowed to take days off. geez). I'm trying to figure out what to talk about that's useful to people. It's got to be youtube appropriate and unlikely to get me cancelled too quickly (at least until I've achieved my goal). I'm doing this for myself because therapy doesn't work for my autistic brain. Talk therapy doesn't do it for me. It has to be exposure therapy and skill building. And as an INTP enneagram 5w4 I pretty much turn everything into a DIY mission. Unfortunately, lol. Take care see you tomorrow. Appreciate you.
(and the title of the youtube video is a Central Cee bar. I'm not trying to be a jerk or controversial).
Embarrassing to admit this BS online, but my other choice is do nothing and I gotta keep going forward. So, groan. This sucks.
And yes I'm embarrassed that I listen to Shlomo Artzi. Dealing with some personal shit with an old friend and we used to listen to this a lot a long time ago.