I fall asleep alone in my own queen bed. In my own apartment.
Red sheets of soft surround me as I fade with a candle glowing.
I have no partner, no master, no sub... I do not hookup. I am alone and content.
I wake surprised hours later in darkness to the weight of you with a gun to my mouth and a smile.
I know you. We are not close. We are not friends But I know you.
Your blue eyes search mine still smiling. You press the gun almost softly into my my mouth.
You slide it in and out grinning wider.
It's not a creepy smile... Like the ones you see in movies where the guy has cruddy teeth or this aura of I would murder the neighborhood... And rape everyone in it...
It's a mix of seeing a friend again for the first time in years... And the look of a teamate turning to another after winning a competition together.
I wonder that I' dreaming of you like this...
The candle still burns with the scent of cinnamon vanilla finding it's way to comfort me somehow... Smelling a candle is better than smelling blood or feces in my face as I have within other nightmares I remind myself..
My eyes reflect back in yours... Wide.
You take a strand of my hair in one hand whispering in my ear as you slide the gun out,
Tell me beautiful...how do you feel?
Lifting his head back I flinch and whisper
Scared.
Your eyebrow on your right eye lifts slightly...
Keeping the gun to my head
You whisper again,
don't be.
Your stradling me with your clothes on.. I have my pajamas on...
You caress my face and hum sweet dreams are made of these to me.
As your hand slides down my arms
Soft cotton and silk separate our bodies from touching.
What are you scared of?
Still you whisper though the walls of my apartment are brick...you tilt my face back up and eyes to you instead of the soft flickering candle.
I look at you and the gun now next to my lips the metallic feeling clinging to my teeth, gums and lips.
Trying not to stutter I flinch shocked again as if slapped. Taking one gloved finger your eyes caress my cheek the tear that rolls down... While I fight back anger... The desire to yell, which I figure is the reason for the gun...
'y yyy o killing me... Of you raping me giving me STDs, of a child, of the pain you t t t t orttturing me, desecration of my body... A lack of sssacred space. Pppprivacy...'
Your eyes lock on mine
Honesty is good. But there is more...
You say softly
Looking longingly at my lips you smile locking eyes with mine again.
Sliding the gun down to my neck you get a blanket and cover me and just lay there with a gun to my neck... Shifting positions to be up on an elbow to the side with the other arm with the gun on top of me.
Breathe sweetheart. I want you to trust me enough to tell me what your feeling. Relax.
Y y y you've got a gun to my body... MY Head, my my mouth.... Your body is on top of mine, and you want me to what?! Not nononot happening your in my apartment! Mine... You sigh, moving an angle of the gun gun to trace my lips, effectively quieting me. You lay your head next to mine pinning my head between yours and the gun. Taking deep breaths my body rebels mine calming down as you do and again you sing softly. Rest sweetheart. I close my eyes thinking you will shoot me... Tears streaming silently sealing my eyelids shut....they slide down my face, my heart raging, you simply breathe deeply forcing my lungs to do the same. Shifting your heart mirrors mine slowing drastically but still as yours. beating faster than normal you kiss my hair and sing softly this is what I promise this you can keep kiss your eyes and lay you to sleep... I whimper....
Sweetheart just relax. Your not dying while I'm here. The only thing iIwant dead about you is your fear of me.
Visions of you getting ready to come over, of your plans for this flood my head as your lips touch my eyelids, my temple. Of your honesty I drift to sleep
I wake alone with sun on my skin, and a single rose petal in my hand buttercream bursting to red around the edges.
And a beautiful rose braclet on my left wrist, green metal and white something that I try for 20 min to take off but cannot.
Looking at the clock I see I have 10 min to make the bus for work...
You were in my home and I don't know how to feel about what happened.... So confused... I don't have time to get ready and concentrate I block emotions even from myself...
And life goes on....
Unraped of anything but my fear...
And my bare wrist.
Mtc