** After I wrote this, I had a vulnerability reaction and am feeling shy and a little uncertain, and I want to post it anyway. So, please be like Thumper and only say nice things if you leave a comment.
Huh, how has it already been 3 weeks since my last post? I feel like I was in another world and am finally coming back to my life. It was a kinda of a whirlwind and I got a little lost. I don't really know where to start.
After we started playing the game, I went through episodes of loving it, feeling tired of it, bratty, and getting a huge buzz from completing my tasks and loving how my daddy looked at me. I started to rely on the good feelings the game gave me and I tied my worth to it. I have had self worth issues for forever, so, when I stopped playing the game, I began to feel felt worse and worse.
We both got busy. I got emotional (I have super sad feelings when I pms, like extremely sad), and then the game faded away. Along with the fun sex, the sweet sexy time, the funishments and our focus on each other in that special way. I felt stuck and was unable to start the game again. Daddy was tired and unable to give me much his attention. It takes a lot to manage a sub/brat/wife/bff and still hold a full time job, fix up the house we just bought that needs SO MUCH attention and find time to relax and sleep at night.
Even though that was a tough few weeks, I am really happy to have gone down into my dark pit again, because coming back out, my self esteem and worth are at a high peak and I actually like myself. There was a lot to explore in that sad place, I don't like going there, but when I come back out, I shift into stronger, sweeter, calmer more balanced me. My daddy and I are at glorious level of closeness and sweetness. Our communication has improved and our own self awareness. Clarity is kindness.
Anyway,
Finally something clicked. We had a fantastic talk. The kind that happen by accident right before bed and I had a break through. I balanced out emotionally and was not relying on the game to make me feel good, or the lack of playing pushing me to feel awful. It wasn't the game's fault I felt sad, it was a mix of my spiral out, my self loathing and looking to something to make me feel like I'm not a piece of sh*t. So, I put that on the game, which was not what it was intended for. We started playing the game as a way to bond, connect, explore things that maybe we wouldn't normally and that kind of stuff.
So, the game and I have a healthier relationship. I finally feel like "I am the main character in my story" (black mirror episode). Daddy got through the rough job patch and has more energy, strength and is way less stressed. And the house has had some good work put into so we can relax on all that. Life is calming down and we both feel better.
I am using the game more as structure and fun this time. Daddy enjoys it and loves thinking about me playing and completing the tasks he gives me. I feel more sexual, attractive, and in control. I am not relying on the completion of the tasks to make me feel like I am worthy of life. I am finding joy and lightness in playing the game and bonding with my daddy. I feel good when I complete the tasks, and still LOVE the way he looks at me. I feel good.
One of my tasks yesterday was really fun. I felt like the woman from the movie the secretary. I had to be more discreet than she was when he put her arms in bondage, so my task was to put something in me, and use the rope to hold it in while I did my chores. I really liked it. It was a fun little secret and it felt really good to be full while I did boring chores. And, we have a room mate right now, and he didn't suspect a thing. 😉 Which made it extra fun. I had to be aware of the rope and wear a longer shirt so it wouldn't peak out. Did not want to have to deal with that... hahahaha
TLDR: Lots of growth during game phase 1, super sad emotional drop during game phase 2, and in game phase 3, I have floated out of the pit and am allowing myself to like myself.