Fish bowl

If only.

My life used to revolve around some of the most toxic abusive relationships. I thought the person was every thing I was not, worthy, strong, loved, everything and i put him/them on a pedal stool. I believed i was nothing without. I'm sure most get what I'm puttin out. I'm sure I don't have to tell all the dirty details. Some have lived that story im sure.

My oh my how I've grown and changed. I never thought I could want to be alive for myself. I lived and breathed for them and didn't want to without him.

NOW here I am living for me, growing for me, breathing for me!! The most important relationship in my life is between me and this universe and my bond with nature. We just recently met and were taking it a little slower than id like but that's something I need to work on. Just because something feels good does not mean you take away all its energy. It's give and take a little at a time. Hope that makes sense. If ya know ya know 😉 Anyway this was just going through my mind and I wanted to share it for some reason. 

What a story my life has been so far. Never ever could I have imagined smh. Brilliant, beautiful, painful life. Just stunning. 

So i have a story , its my story. Its one of those stories that even if i told you you wouldnt believe me. Only i will ever know it really happend and i must be ok with that.It has been a long and painful road with many mistakes ones that ive repeated over and over again. Now i dont know if it could have gone any other way. Could i have made choices that would have lessoned my pain i suppose so but thats not the story. 

There has been times the universe tore me to shredds and i did not know if i was going to be able get myself literaly up off the ground where i had fallen cryjng begging for mercy because the emotianal and mental pain was so great. Yes i know very dramatic but as is life.

My point is im at another one of these cross roads and im aware that i have some choices to make that yes this time ive caught it in time that i may be able to lesson the pain that i know will come if i make again the same choices i always have made in my past. I could stop it right now but then why at this point do i feel so powerless over what im doing. Why does it feel like im a backseat driver in my own body. Why do i feel i have no control. Is any of that true or do i not want to take the responsebility of myself and actions or is what ive always believed a lie...

Its like a train wreck just waiting to happen and i know it, i see it, but i cant stop it or can i? I dont know. I used to think only God could save me from myself but uh ya it never did. What if all along i was the one, i was the one that needed to save me. What if im the one thats always had the power. Just what if.... Is that possible? What im dealing with is a long time issue and its become its own demon. Its just so powerful.i dont know if, well i just dont know. 

I know im being vague but im not used to talking to anyone about myself or my problems. 95% of my time is spent alone and when im going thru something no matter how bad it is i deal with it by myself. I mean i havent done a hortible job. Ive survived, im here.

Then there's times like this that my memories flash through my mind like a movie. I see their faces i hear my voice and theirs and most of all i feel what i felt and feel even more now. My heartbreaks for all i caused to my self and anyone else. I know ill never forget. All i know is that my intentions in this life have never been of malice or to cause pain. All i can do is move forward never back. Smh 

Humans don't realize how much control over yourself and life you don't have until your shown. Well I was shown and once I let the fear go and surrendered I felt as if I had a sense of control. It seemed to have control I had to surrender control lol I don't know, im a walking contradiction because at the same time I learned that having control is just an illusion. 

This is only one piece of a puzzle I've learned. I've learned so much. It's gift is growth wrapped in a curse....

I don't know if many will understand what I've written and what I will write but even if letting just one person in this world know that their not alone just by connecting with the words i use and things i ramble on about well then all the fear and pain will have been worth it....maybe lol

I never thought i was worth a thing but im learning. Im learning how powerful and beautiful i am. The uni loves me and im learning to love it. I dont know where im going as long as im moving, growing and never looking back. I never want to go back where ive been. This is where im supposed to be right here, right now in this very moment where i am content and at peace. Never thought id be in this moment....

So sorry. I'm rambling but thank you for reading.

Xoxo

I started a job. Today was my second day and all i keep thinking and worrying about is will i stop seeing, will the magik leave me. I spent so much time not believing that if i have to quit this old believe of how working is apart of living i will. I cant lose my magik this new way of seeing, believing, growing, just knowing and with my eyes the world i painted a different world. A world where the impossible is possible and im finally alive hell even the damn trees are beautifully living alongside me as i take my walks. Literally lol omg i know i sound crazy but ive never been more real in my life. I guess if you know you know and if you dont i will pray to the uni you will. 

I just have come so far to far to lose it through my finger tips now....

So here i am still clean i have almost 6months. I know finding a dom is not what i need right now. I need to learn to stand on my own two feet and im doing it. Im far from perfect but doing my best. This is a difficult road but it always has been just in a different way. Life is worth living and im worth living it. Thank you to anyone reading for your time.

My words had no meaning

 My voice upon deaf ears

My crys were not met with whispers of comfort

My love i was told did not exsist

No such invisible place called bliss

Believe i did, was that a sin?

I cradled my body and went within

A place of magick  brought me where i am

Surving, rising from the ashes

I WILL WIN!

The reason i first came here is no longer the same reason im here now. Ive grown so much and it has not been painless infact ive experienced some of the most intense spiritual pain ive ever felt during these past years but im still here and feel i owe the bdsm community. I dont know if i never came here if i would be the woman im becoming or if i would have ever survived the life of drug abuse i was living if i had not come here. Im now in recovery and have alot of healing to do and changes to make in my life and in myself. I have come a long way but still have much to grow. With support and faith i know i can be the woman ive always wanted to be. So i just want to say thank you so much for being here and sharing honestly in these blogs it helps to know im not the only person struggling or the only one going through hard times in this life. Im humbeled and honored to be able to be here and so very grateful to be alive🙏