A Secret to tell

What do you do when your lost?

     For I am indeed lost. Not in a sense that most would think, but lost in a sense of trying to figure out my place in this world. I want a job I can love and enjoy, but have yet to find it. Maybe its in the fact that I keep going for local jobs in customer service. At times I can find contentment in those jobs, a small amount of happiness knowing I made some ones days a little better, even if only for a moment, but then the anxiety of I don't belong here encroaches and I find myself looking for reasons to leave. It begs the question , am I simply lazy? 

     Yet, I find that hard to believe in the fact that I hate being at home Idle and without work. I am in college full time. I make good grades, but I am unhappy. Why? I have an amazing fiance, who works hard, and absolutely loves his job. I have kept jobs for a year at most , but never longer. I want to break it down the things that I love.

I love being outdoors in nature, I love photography and art, capturing moments that no one else would be able to enjoy if I didn't show them through my eyes. 

I love writing short stories, and poems, I love losing myself in games and a good challenge.

I love listening to peoples stories and helping them to think things through, to show them approaches or different ways of thinking of things that they might not have before, I love helping to solve problems.

I love puzzles, and organization, the satisfied feeling i get from taking a room that has no rhyme or reason and is full of junk, and rearranging it to perfection and beauty.

Yet, none of these are things that lead to possibilities for me. Yes, I have looked into photography and that is in the works, but a long time coming, but I am patient and will get there. I am not patient or skilled enough to sit and write books, and psychology is definitely not for me, as I discovered while pursuing my degree. I don't understand why I am so restless and unsettled and have yet to find my belonging. I am ready, just not there yet. It is frustrating and lately I find myself turning to Dad( aka GOD) more and more often than not asking for his guidance and wisdom in this. I should be thanking him for the many blessings he has given me through out my life instead of fussing and asking, but he is the one I go to in all things. For now I guess I am simply a lost lamb waiting for the Shepard to guide me home.

“Aurora’s Light”

Chapter 1

  You would think just for once she could have a normal day. A normal day with no incidents, but no, not her, not in the slightest chance. One minute Aurora was in her room minding her own business and the next she was on her ass in the sand of some freaking desert. Standing up she looked around dusting her stitch pjs off. A scowl of irritation crossing her features, right before she began screaming, “ of all the places to put me, I had to end up here!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH”, feeling impetuous and with no one around to see her she stomped her feet several times like a child, but felt no satisfaction as her feet sank into the hot burning sand beneath her. Starting to sweat almost immediately, she decided perhaps conserving her energy for the time being would be best.

 Picking up the stone around her neck she pressed the center in , and promptly sat down to wait. Her father and his team would get the ping of her location and he would know it had happened again and send a retrieval team after her. This had been happening since she was five. Starting with her first incident. She had gone from in front of the tv in her room to the kitchen in a matter of seconds . It just so happened that her mother and father were in there fighting about God knows what when she popped in. Her parents had looked shocked, maybe a little terrified, while she on the other hand had thought it was a game they were playing. 

Oh yes, It had seemed great at first, until her little trips found her in locations further and further away as she began to get older. At the same time those locations seemed to be rife with trouble. What was this exactly? well she had dubbed it the I.T. gift (short for involuntary transportation) , cause you know being a big movie buff she thought Jumper would give her ideas to lead from.

Her parents had dubbed it the transferences. Most could guess this came from her father being military. In a sense her father being a high ranked general in the military had its perks, but at the same time, it was his main excuse for keeping her hidden from the world. Her mother, being a well paid Account Director, had immediately gone from working abroad, to working from home. Much to her annoyance it meant her mother controlled her day to day life, up until she had turned Eighteen , at which point, she immediately took her life back, as much as she could. There were certain things her parents would never agree to for obvious reasons. Like her living alone. What she would give for a normal life. Hell to even have friends, would be amazing, but no. Not her. This screwed up lot right here was her life. 

 There were of course other gifts she had, but much like the teleportation she had no control of them. Healing, telekinesis…. Telekinesis, ha, Aurora smirked at the irony. She had tried to use it once. Once was enough to learn she would definitely never try to again. The one time she had actually tried she had ended up smacking herself in the face with a book. Leaving her with a broken nose that had also caused what looked like two black eyes to go along with it.

   Yeahhhhh, she had Matilda to thank for that one.   Apparently movies weren't the greatest thing to use for learning advice. She looked down at the watch on her wrist as it began to ring. Seeing it was her dad, she swiped to answer, only to groan as he began his long list of directives on what she was to do until the retrieval team arrived. He had that deep kind of droning voice that could put a crowd to sleep in five mins flat. It was no wonder she didn't listen to him half the time. 

She tuned him out for a moment, as a large dust like cloud grabbed her attention. She closed her eyes and sighed long and loud as she realized just what that cloud was.  

 “Hey, dad not to cut you short, but um I do believe there is a dust storm rushing towards me, and I have no shelter or anything to protect myself from it, what did you say the team's ETA was, cause I'm gonna need them to learn my gifts and teleport here in the next ten mins.” her tone came across as sarcastic, because at this point she was used to things going from bad to worse. No sense in panicking when it never helped to begin with. On the plus side her dads rigorous training regimen kept her in great shape. Which meant if he could tell her how to survive she could put it into action. 

“This is not the time for your jokes Aurora, the dese….”

Aurora growled with impatience and practically yelled through the phone, “Dad this isn’t one of my jokes, unless you want me to die, NOW would be a great time to give me some sound advice!!”

The line went silent for a brief pause making her wonder if she had lost connection before he spoke calmly, “Alright, listen carefully, we don't have much time, I need you to look around see if you can find a high Dune , climb to the other side and begin digging a burrow out as best as you can. You will need this to provide a barrier between you and the worst of the storm. Your also going to need to rip the bottom half of your shirt off, and tie it around your face, this will help you breath, when the sands start kicking up..al...mak...au..auro…”

she growled as the line disconnected, " well fuck you too fate.... karma.... whichever one you are!"

“ Anything else wants to go wrong today? I mean we cant do much worse than we are now….” jumping to her feet she began to run for the highest dune closest to her, and began climbing. Her legs were burning by the time she reached the top , looking over her shoulder she could tell she probably had less than five minutes before the storm hit her location. Taking off at a run, she slid and stumbled her way to the bottom of the other side before quickly beginning to dig out a small burrow with her hands. The wind began to kick up sending sand flying, making it hard for her to see what she was doing. She growled in aggravation, sweat dripping down her temples and into her eyes making them burn even more, as well as making the sand stick to her skin like hot charcoals from a summer night bonfire. Apparently not only did sandstorms cause service issues, but they traveled fast too because her visibility was shit even in this small kickup.

How did she always find herself in these situations?

It was like fate had picked her to be the butt of its jokes or something.

  Moving with haste she finished digging and climbed down into the depression of the burrow before she proceeded to try rip the bottom half of her shirt off.

' Jesus was this made of steel ' feeling no give in the material she lifted it to her mouth and used her teeth to help her rip it.

"Thank you expensive clothes for being a pain in my ass"

  Tying it around her face, she closed her eyes turning into the burrow, just as the storm came over the top of the dune. She wasn’t sure what startled her more, the harsh sting of the sand as it whipped against her body and face, or the sudden hot heat that pressed against her back out of nowhere.

   Darkness and quiet suddenly surrounded her as a blanket of thickness covered her, and an arm wrapped around her middle. Aurora's eyes widened as a scream of panic built in her throat. Who the fuck had just popped up behind her. Because she knew damn well her fathers team was nowhere near her location. She really should stop asking for fate to throw the next bone at her , because apparently she is ready to deliver. Asshole!

Next Chapter : Darius's Arrival

Stepping outside in them midst of winters cold gale, is like receiving kisses from the frost fairies of the vale.

How they laugh and dance and play among the frost covered leaves, while the sun beams bend and play among the cold of the mornings eve.

I assume many would hurry and scatter to and fro seeking to escape that numbing cold, but not me, no never me.

The kiss of a frost fairy or two, the colorful joy of the dancing leaves as they fall, the unbalanced wind seeking to destroy all, yes they call to me and I call back with a joyful laugh. 

Summer is to hot to go and play and leaves me red oh how that I dread.

Spring is fun , but my nose wants to run, and Id rather hide away than sneeze all day.

fall is perfect for all, but winter is just a chosen few.

lucky me that's its I and you. The chill of the wind , the fun of the snow, the laughter that rings out as a sledding we go, such joy to be found all around in that winters cold, that some hope, will never grow old. 

I remembered something today, its actually quite silly to remember, but it is a memory that keeps my youthful joy alive. A memory that for some odd reason I cherish....

     When I was about 16 or 17 our neighbors carried me and my sister to an ice rink. I had never skated on ice before, neither had my little sister, but our neighbors daughter had. It was like learning to roller blade for the first time. Challenging at first, but easier the more we skated. However, I found that every so often I would trip and fall, sliding across the ice on my butt in frustration. Luckily I was young, and full of creative ideas. I began to realize that sliding across the ice was quite fun, and since I didn't care what others thought about me I decided to increase my fun by skating and building up speed and then purposely sliding down to slide across the center of the ice where no other skaters were.

     My laughter as I did this would ring out across the stadium as I slid across the ice , pretty soon my sister and our neighbors daughter would join in on the fun. We ended up skating fast holding hands and sliding across the ice together. We had so much fun that for a while we forgot the world around us. It wasn't until our ride got there that we came back down to reality, and funnily enough found most of the rink was filled with laughter as others sought to find the joy we shared, in their own lives, as they too had started sliding across the ice.
     

     I can remember looking back and seeing all the smiling and laughing faces as we walked towards the exit that day. It brought me such peace to see such happiness, and that perhaps in a small way I had inspired it. Ironically me, my sister, and our neighbors daughter had all gotten soaked to the bone, and ended up with colds. I laughed with my sister about it, and we shared a secret smile because it had been well worth it.

     Even at that age I understood that sometimes, for some, joy and happiness can be fleeting, and sometimes people forget how to just have fun and let go despite what others might think. So for a moment I got to witness the joy and happiness that can be inspired in others by one simple thought, idea, or action.

     Perhaps we should all remember that despite the judgmental eyes around us, our lives are our own, and that our actions can often inspire others to feel the same joy that we do in those moments of happiness.

     I think perhaps this will always be a memory that I cherish for the rest of my life as it taught me such a valuable lesson in the process.
Happy thanksgiving everyone.

There are days I wish I could just shut the world off. Even if it was only for a minute. Silence can be a good thing. Even in the darkest of time, silence can be found to have a comfort of sorts. I don't always understand the way the world works. I watch life as it happens around me. Sometimes I find myself in awe, sometimes in tears at the chaos, and sometimes I am silent in the beauty. 

              Today, I find myself just silent. My mind so overwhelmed that for a time I suppose it will just remain quiet. Undisturbed by the chaos around it. Though, why do I feel like I'm slowly losing my voice, the person that I am. My mind it's just quitting. Like we've reached the climax it's all downhill from here. In the background you can almost hear that lost innocence screaming for me to come back. Why is the world the way the that it is? Why do we go through all these trials, pains, heartbreaks.... Is it all defined for a few perfect moments or is there some bigger picture that I cannot yet, see?

I'm so confused, frustrated, and utterly alone in my views of the world and the joyful horror found in it. Brainwashed, is how I feel, Lost is where I am, and hope is something I barely see. Perhaps I am just tired perhaps not. I think someday the world will eventually shut off, or maybe it will be that I shut off from the world.

May God bless the road before you and soothe the past ones behind you. You are so loved and appreciated by me and many others. 

This song was recently released, and it is me 100% I can relate to it on such a personal level. The lyrics just touch deep, and I feel like maybe some of you on here can to so I'm sharing.

Rattling like a cage in the wind, who's bars have been gently loosened. Waiting silently, calmly, painfully. 

You are only too aware that loneliness is like a blanket of ice cold wind in the night. Some just a little colder than others.

How that misery howls in its cage ever fighting and yet never free. Alas maybe there is hope still to come.

Searching eyes and wondering minds. Whispered touches and false promises. Tried and true you fight again and again. Wondering if a warm embrace of gentle fire will ever be known, or if ashes of once burning fires will turn your own to stone.

Can heat and fire be remembered as time meanders by? Can the sun reignite what was once lost? Perhaps.... but it takes many a day of sun to thaw what winter has come and done.

But patience is often a kind Mistress with persistence not far behind you see. Slowly but surely those flames can begin to burn again. A steady feeding of nurturing, care, and sometimes being a little tight with the reins can indeed bring that stone to ash, that ash to flame, that flame to fire, and alas that fire to a burning blaze. Someday, that lost bit of soul will come home, and your fire will blaze brightly once more.

Somones Soulmate

So I have noticed that a lot of profiles say something like " what will make me happy and thus you happy, or what makes me happy makes you happy"

Ok I get it. That's an interesting kink to have, but just to be clear it is not MY kink. I do not see making the person I am in a dynamic with happy, to be happy. Granted I could get a smile or two out of it, and some satisfaction in knowing I was a good girl, and made them happy. But that is never ever going to keep me happy.

1. I need personal time. I like getting my nails done or doing them myself. I like dressing up or goofing off and acting childish. My inner child is bright and happy go lucky , being an adult all the time sucks.

2. I want what I want, not what anyone else wants. How would you feel if all you ever did was give and give and give? Nah I'm not about that life. I'm all about giving and receiving, sharing can be discussed on certain things. I'm not sharing my stuffies, footy pjs, or chicken nuggets.

3. Also I'm not a 24/7, I'm more let's have a nerf gun war because you pissed me off and then have a session of spanking and edging, and then end it with rough hot passionate pretend makeup sex, cause let's face it I can never stay mad for long.

4. I want fucking cuddles and kisses, and if I don't get them you will most likely hear about it, and then the brat will come out, and ,well, it can be a long road if it is made that way.

So you see, making someone else happy is nice and all but it's not all about them, it's an equal give and take or nothing for me. However, I would love to hear everyone else's ideas of happiness and what makes you happy about it. I love learning. So tell me are you a Give and take, a give only, a take only, and why?

I think the saddest thing I've read this week, is seeing the sentence, if you don't love you don't expect me to. 

How low can you get. If a woman/man/ non gender doesn't love themselves doesn't that beg the question why? If someone doesn't love themselves and their partner can't be bothered to help them learn to or to love them despite the fact that the other doesn't love themselves, then why are you even with them. 

I hate hate hate when people say things like that. Why? Because you never know what the hell a person has been through to put them in that state of mind. Like wtf is wrong with you that you can so easily cast judgment like that? 

A child does not start off hating themselves. They go through fear, judgement, and the bitter realities of this world, and sometimes abuse, to the point of beginning to hate themselves. 

 Did you ever stop to think that maybe a person hates themselves because unlike you they've never know a kind touch, or a different view that would teach them to love themselves otherwise. I'm not saying it's anyone's job to help someone love themselves. What I am saying is you cannot claim to love or have affection for someone you can't be bothered with. That is a cold hard truth a lot of people need to wake up and see. If you can't be bothered to help someone in desperate need to see thier own beauty and self worth then you just don't deserve to be a part of their life.

I want no part of someone who can stand to the side and cast judgement on someone based on thier own selfish ideas. It's why I hate this world so much. People can be so cruel and so blind. They judge before they even know. Maybe God gave me a soft heart and an open mind so I could see before I ever thought.

This world was not designed to tear people apart and into pieces. It wasn't made to make others feel fear, insecurity,  or heart ache.  No, only the fucking people in this world do that, and it makes me so sick to my stomache to see it.

Think before you speak, think before you act, and most definitely think before you write. Ugh.  No bestie, I don't need you to go beat up someone lol, I just read something that disgusted me, and got me riled up is all.