A Secret to tell

It amazes me the quiet calm I have finally found. I have established me. I have defined , broken down, and pulled all the lies and derision from my  life , until there was nothing left , but who I am now. I am a woman who has been through so much trauma, and came out on top. I am a woman who has loved deeper than anyone ever could, and lost it all, just to find the person who was hidden in the depths despair, such a loss will always bring about. Now, I shine brighter than any sun ever could, and I love deeper than the rivers and oceans that cover the earth. I forgive easily, but I always remember. In doing so, I have learned I am most content with myself. A phoenix ever destined to rise from the ashes, in a blazing glory, to face once more, what we call life.

   This is my goodbye to all of you. I have enjoyed growing and learning in all the things you have had to teach and show me. I am happy to say, I realize now I don't need anyone but myself to accomplish everything I now intend to set out and do. I am unstoppable. My mind is so unique in its ways of thinking and understanding. To live without judging others, to have the ability to take freely of what I truly need and want. Don't get me wrong, I will be around watching, reading, discovering , and still learning day to day, but you, my dearest readers, will not see or hear from me. My inbox is being shut down, I no longer have a need to find a Dom, or Doms. Time will bring me all I need. My Dad, the Master of all creation, has my back, and will continue to guide me in his own ways, as he has always done. I understand now, that I was never meant to simply help those around me grow and evolve in their own ways. Never meant to only help people see and think in ways they never have before, and now that I have achieved that level of understanding, it is time to turn and face my own journey in life. To fix the wrongs of my past, and to smooth my own roads as I continue down them. 

   I have no bitterness or regrets in the things I have said or done in my life. I love everything about me. I laugh in the knowledge at how far I have grown and come on this blessed journey of self discovery. I look in the mirror and I am no longer disgusted by the person who stares back at me. Instead I stare in wonder and reverence, and then I smile brightly, shut off the light, and continue on my way. There is no shame in having grown into the woman I have. The lies are gone, the walls are broken down, and for once I am as I should be. Finally. My life is changed forever , and I am one lucky girl in having reached the level of enlightenment that I have. I wish you all many blessings and hope on your own journeys. I hope that someday you achieve the level of happiness and wonder , that I have. Til we meet again my dear friends, all my love.

Moon (SomeonesSoulmate)

 Its, true. I have made a decision. Oh, the joy and pleasurable delight in knowing what I want won't be denied. Not even by myself. It makes me laugh> You know that delightfully guilty as sin laugh, that draws people in and makes them want to ask, " what's so funny?". Did I mention I was a greedy little thing unashamed in my journey thus far. Nothing is off limits to me now. Mmmmm, yes its true. So greedy in fact that I want two. This bitch is going poly.

     I was thinking last night and tonight about what I really want. Sat down and journaled for an hour, listing things I have decided I simply won't live without. Unsurprising to me is the profound hardcore fact that I want two men. Two Doms. Two controlling set of hands, two men giving me orders, two men fucking me into oblivion, two men that are absolutely obsessed with owning me. I don't care how long I have to wait. I've said that before, and I will say it again. Over and over until it sets in deep. I don't care if its one, then another coming in later. If they both come for me at the same time, welllllll, even better.

     Double the protection, double the obsession and possessiveness. Double every fucking thing. Why? Because I fucking can, because I want and need it. I've spent my whole life catering to other people. Giving my all in relationships that always ended up burning to the ground. Relationships that always left me wanting more. Dark desires, even darker secrets. I might be a bit unhinged, in my wants and needs. Taking without apology can become quite addictive. Fuck, I want that reverse harem situation. To be owned and claimed so many fucking times it leaves a girls head spinning. Can you just imagine having all that to yourself, knowing, your their whole life and obsession, to get to come so many times your absolutely destroyed by it. That when one isn't there to take care of you , another will be. Fuuuucckkkk, its so god damn hot I can't stand it.

    Lets fantasize for a minute. Your dripping wet, your body aching and needing to be filled. One Dom is at work , the other watching you from across the room. Perhaps he sends off a text to the Dom at work, " Our girl is aching to be filled right now". Oh yeah, he knows, because he watches your every move. Notices every sound you make, every whimper, every clench of your thighs. Your other Dom, he's watching you both through cameras set up in the  house. " Make her beg" he texts back. The Dom across the room moves towards you with a predatory grace that makes you burn hotter and harder. He's gonna make you beg so fucking prettily, and all the while, your other Dom's watching every single minute of what is happening to you at those hands that you crave on you so badly, only to take you for himself when he finally does come home. No jealousy....between them. But let another man touch what is theirs. Best believe there will be hell to pay. Can you imagine being taken by both of them at once. What about being held down and tormented by one, while the other takes what he wants from you without apology or mercy.

     Hey, I get it. Its not everyone's cup of tea. It is so my cup of tea though. Every delicious inch of it. Women often say , they don't know what they want yet, and if they do, they back down from it. Letting the world tell them they don't know what their talking about. They don't understand. They aren't ready. Its a mistake.

     Nah, I know exactly what I want. I know exactly what I am asking and begging for. I know it would be almost impossible for one man to give me everything I want and need at all times. I'd probably break him, making him try. Its true one man might satisfy me for a time, but not forever. How do I know? Lets just say that even in the few good relationships I had, I was picturing others added to the relationship. problem is, is I've noticed a pattern. A horribly sadistic pattern. Once men have me, and get a taste of everything I have to offer, things change. Suddenly they want to keep me to themselves. They don't want to share. Oh yes,  I am that fucking good. Yes, I have brought the idea up in relationships before. Some reacted normally with possessive jealousy telling me no, while others reacted violently, putting me in my place as they called it. 

    So no, this isn't the first time I've wanted it. It is the first time I've decided to claim it. Lets get darker. I will tell you too, that two men being obsessed with each other just as much as they are me is sooooo fucking hot to me. I might have a little cuck queen in me, because if they tied me down and made me watch them pleasure each other, holy hell they wouldn't even have to touch me I'd come on the spot just watching. Cause damn. Hey to be fair, I have warned all of you over and over again that I have a very dark side. Would I be happy with two Dom's not touching or wanting each other? Of course, that's their choice their right. I'd be happy just to have men who want only men. Wouldn't a woman be insane not to be? I'm just saying I'm not opposed to it.

    I know I'm no the only one out there who fantasizes about this shit. Booktok girlies, kinky girlies, and a whole lot of other women want it too. Less stress in taking care of a woman. Two incomes, three if she works, is a whole lot less stressful than two people struggling to get by. I think you will come to find that polyamory is becoming more popular and natural by the day. 

  Now I know your wondering, some of you anyway. Soul what about another woman? No. That's not my thing. I'm a jealous woman. I'm also frighteningly possessive and borderline stalkerish when it comes to my men. I don't wanna share. That my territory, mine and mine alone. I don't want another woman in my kitchen, or cleaning my home. Consider me an alpha female. I don't share, ever. I use to tell men I'd be ok with it, because I wanted to be pleasing. Wanted to do anything to see them smile. No more. This is my life, and my journey. Not your kink. Move the fuck along, cause I don't really give a fuck what you think. My days of self sacrificing are so far gone, and I will be unapologetically me. My lies are gone, the filter removed. I told what I hade to hide, I fixed my mistakes. Now I'm gonna revel in being wide open....... Til next time my lovelies.

I want it all.....:

   Eager anticipation fills me as I wait. Tomorrow , a few hours away. Whatever you would like to call it. A special package is being delivered. One that is discreet , one that I splurged on , one that is easily hidden. A smile creases my lips and a laughter of pure indulgence leaves my lips. If I can't get any from a certain asshole, then why not get some for myself. I've always been so much better at pleasuring myself than anyone else anyway. Pretty tired of using my hands too. The need to get myself off three or four times a day, grows tiresome with nothing fun to indulge with. I stupidly threw all my toys away after a couple months of being in the relationship , cause I thought hey, I have someone to take care of my needs now. Oh, how I loathe that mistake and choice. I laugh now at the realization not even three months in that he was never going to touch me. Never going to slake my needs, or wants because he wasn't even into women. Nope just his little coverup so he could continue to lie to those around him. Heavy sigh, so much money wasted. Ugh, tell me why am I so eager to please in relationships, relationships that are always so fucked up in one way or another. 

     The day I get out will be a glorious day indeed. Freedom hums inside my veins, coiled tight waiting to sing with the joy of it. Just a little while longer. Yes, I have my own source of income despite not working right now, and yes I am saving my money up slowly but surely. In the mean time , what can I say, a woman has needs, and they will be fulfilled one way or another. Even if it means indulging in toys ,once more, to sate them. I feel no shame in talking about it, because well, there is no shame to be found. This is an adult site, where we talk about adult things, so if one does not like it, one should definitely not be reading my blogs. I am who I am and that will never change.

    My journey continues as you have guessed. This lesson being in learning to meet my own needs, and wants. To ignore others in their desire to control me, or prevent me from doing so. Its time I started spending a little bit of money on myself. I have grown weary of allowing others to take from me freely. Yup, this is me putting my foot down and saying no more. From now on if my money isn't spent on me, arcadia, or bills, it wont be spent at all. I am giggling in glee at the notion and thought. Like a naughty girl rubbing her palms together in the delight of the indulgence. I will say it is a strange feeling, after spending so long trying to please another. I tilt my head in wonder about why I waited so long to do so. Alas, giving hearts are so hard to tame sometimes, but dearest heart of mine, you will be tamed into self control. Til next time my lovely readers.

Let the self Love and care flow:

  One of the hardest lessons to date is this one write here. Being brutally honest with myself is hard. Harder still is accepting it as fact. The cold hard truth. My whole life I have played victim until recently. Never pushed past the pain of the realities of my life, going from one bad situation to the next. The same lessons on repeat, because I refused to accept myself. I am 5'5, 297 lbs, and in a relationship that I want so desperately to escape from. Living with a man who uses me to hide his dirty little secret. I play nice, i give fake smiles, and I face the reality of it for what it is. Why do I stay, I stay because I haven't saved enough money yet, I haven't finished college yet. I stay because for now, unless I wanna burden my family or live in a homeless shelter, and probably have to give up my best friend my fur baby my whole world, I have to. 

 For a long time, i have lied to myself. I have told myself over and over again I am beautiful and desirable. The God honest truth is, I'm not. I can't take a picture without using a filter, I am overweight and disgusting in my own eyes. I fail at almost everything I start, because I give in to quickly, defeated before I even start. This journey is changing me in ways that leave me crying and on my knees sometimes, and this is probably the most brutal lesson of all. You can't become who you need to be until your ready to face the truth and step into the light of everything you deny, every dark secret you hide and lie about. I don't work, believe me I have tried over and over again. Unfortunately my heart is my biggest problem right now. SVT attacks are pretty common, I can clean the apartment and not even five minutes later my heart rate is in the 170s to 180s. There is no cure, medicine is a temporary crutch, the specialist and cardiologist look at me like I'm some mystery that can't be solved. I go in for my fourth catheter ablation on my heart next month, which fixes the issue for a year, but now they aren't even sure it will this time, its a step to try and fix it, but nothing is ever promised or guaranteed. I have made an absolute mess of my life.

     I hate the truth , hate the reality, but now I am trying to fix it step by step. Day by day, and this journey is part of it. Truth is, I'm not ready for a relationship of any sort, because I am still such a broken mess left behind by the current one I find myself in. I can't begin to explain to anyone what its like to look at the one you are suppose to be in a relationship with, and feel nothing. To know they don't even want you, that your not the type of person their into. To know that you are just a filter for them, keeping their secret desires hidden from everyone around them so they can portray this image of a perfect saint to everyone else. It leaves you bitter and broken, especially when all you want to do is run so far away just to escape. 

    To everyone one on here that I have lied to about my situation, and talked about things with. I am so sorry. I am a woman trying to escape the reality she has created for herself. I am changing, I am trying, and I am laying myself bare right here and right now. I hate it, it makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide, but I can't do this journey unless I do so. I can't start the process of healing and moving on with my life until I admit the truth to myself first. Today is that day, this blog is my way. I am broken, shattered, and yet I am still standing, because despite everything, one thing that has always been true about me, is I am unwaveringly kind to those around me, no matter how many times I am beat down, and left on the ground, I keep getting back up, I keep going, and I keep trying to help those around me, because I know exactly how it feels to be in pain, to feel like no one sees the real you or wants the real you. This blog is hard, harder than anything I've ever shared, because its the ugly truth.

  Its true I do have a dark side, i do crave things, that could put me in harms way with the wrong person, but that is me, I have always been this way, have always wanted to serve and to please. However, it is now that I understand how wrong I am for even wanting to try at this point in my life. Life was never meant to be easy, but it was never meant to be as hard as I have made it. Sometimes we have to face ourselves before we can face the world. I think its time I started doing that. To all my readers, you have my deepest apologies for not showing you the realities of who I am. My posts have been one hundred percent honest about my thoughts and opinions, but never about who I really am in looks, and my current situation. It was wrong on my part, and I admit that freely. I will continue on this journey, and I will continue to grow and learn, I just hope you all will forgive me in time, as I do. 

  I'm laughing inside, men and women think they are so smart sometimes. That blocking you, and trying to make you think your ugly as sin or flawed in some way, they have somehow won their petty game of revenge/power grab. Oh my loves, please do NOT let them win that game. You are very beautiful/handsome and the right man/woman will come along, and treasure you in every way. If he/she doesn't want you, that's his/her loss, not yours. That tells you he/she was never worth your time to begin with. Just a silly boy/girl, playing silly games. No woman/man is perfect, every woman/man has flaws. Inside or outside they exist. Take pride in them. Revel in them, and know that you are perfect in your own ways, and there is no one like you in the whole world. Make them regret their loss, stand tall with fucking pride and laugh. Because your damn sure worth every moment of your time. If you want to be single, be single. If you want to fuck twenty men, then fuck twenty men, but make sure your doing it for YOU, and no one else. Because at the end of the day, how you see yourself, YOU, and no one else is all that truly matter.

   I know what your gonna say. Soul, what if it hurts, what if it stings, sharing pictures/videos and being blocked, well baby let that shit hurt and sting. Then pick yourself up and dust yourself off, cause that's one person out of millions in this world. One, a single tiny nonconsequential  grain of sand in the bigger picture. You are a treasure, you are worth so much more and so much better. There are so many fake people out there, so many people who will try to drag you down to their level just because they believe they have the power to. They only have that power if you give it to them. Look at it this way, people come and go in your life everyday. They are a fleeting moment in time that only becomes permanent if you let them. If they aren't permanent then why do you care, and if they are permanent then why are you allowing them to be? 

  Learning to value yourself, on your journey, is one of the most important things you can do on a journey of self discovery. It makes you strong against things that might have previously hurt you. Rejection, dismissal, blocking?  All those things roll off your shoulder like water over falls. Why? Because when you know your worth and your value, and understand how fucking beautiful/handsome you truly are despite what others may think or say, BITCH/FUCKER you are fucking powerful beyond measure. Nothing can hold you back ever again. Your head stays high, your voice stays powerful, and your might is unfucking stoppable. Don't EVER back down to someone trying to make you feel small. They are not worth it, YOU ARE! The only person in this world who will value and treasure you beyond all measure, are God/whatever you believe in, and You. You do NOT, need a man or woman to make you into who you need to be. You only need yourself. Fuck, if you wanna be a little ho, talk dirty , and do naughty things, then own it and revel in it.

    Don't let someone tell you, oh that not appropriate and your a whore/manwhore. Nah , you stand up and say, "Damn straight, and I own that shit. Why, because its my life and mine alone." YOUR ARE POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE! You not them not anyone else , but you. This is your screen play. You are the star, they are just temporary actors/actresses jealous of your star role. Don't let them steal your shine , you are meant to shine brighter than all the rest. So do it. That all I got for you today my lovelies. Until next time.......

Jam it up with something powerful and reinforce that self love and power:

     I am screaming inside. Pain , panic, weariness all fill my heart and soul. I'm at war with thoughts of indecision. Reaching for what I want and need  so hard, yet I cant fully reach out enough to grab it. Its a new lesson on this journey. Trying to learn to believe again. Trying to understand that its ok to want and need something, that seems to good to be true. It begs the question of will I ever let myself reach for it. That burning heat and passion inside, that I hide away from the world most of the time. What happens when everything I've ever wanted is laid before my feet , what happens when I turn away from it because I keep my heart so safe guarded scared to let go. I can love myself, and rival in the knowledge of who I am as a person, as a submissive, as a female of pure need to serve and be pleasing. To live and breath it with my very being. To be sensual, and wanton in the taking of it. But what happens at the end of this journey, when I can't?

      Its not enough, I need someone to break down the barriers and show me that its ok to trust and believe again. That I can be everything I want, and take it without doubt or fear. I never realized until tonight how truly terrified I am of the idea of being broken and tossed aside again. For that careful world of promises, made by another, to turn out to be lies and false hope designed to draw me in, only to leave me crying and alone, broken and shattered even more. Beautiful in a way that is breath taking, designed to be alluring, to serve, to please, yet so guarded that it seems no one will ever be able to break through the cold steel walls surrounding my heart.

 Is anyone out there that is even willing to try, to fight back when I try to push them away. I'm terrified and afraid, yet I burn so hot and bright that its a crime to be this afraid. When did the fear of the pain, become more than the want and need to serve and obey...... My journey will continue, because I revel in learning about myself, but, that thought of finding my soulmate, of being owned and treasured when I'm ready....it is growing dim, and close to being snuffed out......

Music speaks for me when I can't:

  I think its important to recognize the difference in the two, and understand the careful balance each needs. Sex can be hot, intense, addictive, mind changing, and overwhelming all at the same time. It can feel really good, or it can be bad. The question is, do you engage in it in the right ways that please you the most? Or do you only seek the temporary satisfaction of a quick lay? Well here comes my next lesson on this epic journey of learning me and the world of BDSM. I haven't allowed another man to touch me in over a year and a half. Long time right? My now recent ex, refused to touch me. Claiming he wanted marriage before the sex. Truth was, he never wanted me at all. I was his house keeper, his cook, and essentially the person he was hiding behind to keep his perfect image of false religion. However, I will say he is the very reason I started on this journey. I wasn't happy, there was much in my life I was lacking, and I wanted to understand why.

Before, for me personally, it was very hard for me to have sex with anyone who was not a permanent, or least intended permanent part of my life. I have always believed that sex as a quick reprieve was wrong. I get that not everyone see's it that way. Believe me I do. However personal preference is my own to indulge in as I see fit. I did however try it once. I was sick to my stomach with guilt and regret the next day. So its definitely not for me. It went against everything I had built my principles around. Do I enjoy sex? Oh yes , very much so. I also in the same sense believe that a woman's body is her temple. Hers to protect against unwanted and temporary invasions. I have wanted love my whole life. Love and sex in a balance is quite a heady experience. Addictive in its purest form. To be loved, and wanted, desired, and craved , not because your the quickest form of release, but because you are their whole world, is an experience like none other. That being said, I am not one to protect myself from my own wondering hands, I can do a very good job of showing my body the release it craves, needs, and deserves. I can rock my own world as they say.

    I say this because through my journey I am realizing I no longer want broken empty relationships that don't last. In fact i am quite tired of it. Perhaps my whole life I have attracted the wrong kind of attention. Abusive, narcissistic, manipulative attention. That is frustrating. I am a very beautiful woman, and people love to take advantage of those who don't know how to enforce boundaries. I had to learn the hard way. It is only recently that I have learned to say no, and to push those who seek to use me away. I have a pure light and energy that people want to draw close and consume without reservation, yet I now see, and enjoy the fact of knowing I am worth so much more. I am not eager to leave the peace and happiness I have found in myself. I am in no hurry to jump into the next available Dom's bed. Why? Because this journey is not about anyone but me. Do I mind talking to others, absolutely not. I love meeting and understanding new people. I always have, that however does not mean I will simply let someone try and manipulate me into ending my journey until I am good and ready, and believe myself worthy of starting a new dynamic.

  Sex in my mind needs to be balanced perfectly with love. I am not here for the world of BDSM alone, I'm here to find a partner that will keep and treasure me for life. So, that being said, here is my warning to all those seeking me out and filling my inbox with messages. I understand that I am unique, that I am rare in my way of thinking and doing things. I understand you can be intrigued by all I say and write, but know this. I will not end my journey and seek out a Dom til I myself am ready. Even then I will not kneel at your feet or accept your collar, until I get to know you and understand you. I am in no rush to jump into anyone's bed. I want love and acceptance with the intention to be kept and treasured until the day I am no longer a part of this world. I will not sleep with you just because you think it is your right. We could talk for an entire year, before I decide to finally allow you the privilege of owning and fucking me. If I do or if i don't that is my choice and my right. My days of temporary relationships with men who don't truly want me is over. You want me, you need to earn me, just as any real man would expect of his woman. I know what I want, I know what I deserve, and I will accept no less, if you don't have these standards yourself , then maybe you should be on your own journey. Do or don't , that is your choice, but understand that mine has been made.

  You can fill my inbox with sweet nothings if you want to, you can try to seduce me with words, but understand I am not a woman easily tempted anymore, and you might be on a very long journey to winning me over. I am who I, and I alone choose to be. Like I said before, If I end up alone then so be it, I will continue to wait for the one who has always owned me. I will wait until forever if I have to, because I deserve no less than a soulmate to match the fire and passion that burns so deeply inside me. When I kneel for them it will be with the knowledge and understanding that they are worthy of me, and me of them. I will serve them with my entire being and nothing less. Don't like the sting of my words, well they weren't made for you to like, they were made to place a boundary and an understanding. Until next time my lovelies, best wishes to you all....

This song is close to my heart for my own reasons, perhaps you can find it on your own playlist too:

    There's nothing more I love than putting on a playlist of sex driven music like the one below, while torturing myself with writing scenes that leave me burning with need and desire, my lips parted, my hands roaming running across my body, squeezing, nails digging into my thighs , as I fight for control over my own pleasure. A delicious sensation of orgasm denial, fills my body, before I'm rising swaying and rolling my hips and body to the music, in nothing but shorts and a tank top, my eyes closing my head falling back as I wrap my own hand around my throat. 

     The sensation it evokes is sensual, and purely for my own wanton pleasure. Thriving in the knowledge and feeling of how sexy I truly feel without the eyes of another on me judging me, not a care in the world, as I allow my imagination to run wild. Imagining my hands to be an alpha males hands, picturing another primal male watching us, growling and grabbing the arms of the chair he is in, with a heated look of desire and barely restrained control on his features, and in his eyes.

   Fuck, my imagination is a sin unto itself. The way I torture myself, a crime, that I keep indulging in over and over again. Sadistic? Maybe....Masochistic? Absofuckinglutely...... There's something to be said about a woman that finds herself to be incredibly alluring and sexy. Have I mentioned how shameless I am in chasing after my own pleasure? In my mind there's nothing wrong in loving myself, in living out the fantasies of my mind through my own touch. It shows that I am a creature of lust and passion. Nothing to hold me back from the new world I have found and created for myself. My journey into self discovery leaves me breathless. I can't describe it well enough. The sensation in learning and diving into the very essence of who I am. A torture, a form of ecstasy, a hidden treasure that I bath in freely. Mmmmmm. yes , I know no shame for sure, in laying my own fantasies and discoveries bare for the world to see. There's something so fucking sexy in being utterly myself. Til next time my lovelies...

     The stars have a beauty about them, that was never meant to be captured. You ever noticed how the stars,  are these bright burning balls of gas and fire that glow hot with fire? How they can never be captured by us or anyone or anything else? Yeah, there's purpose in that. How many of us would capture such a thing of beauty, just to hide it away in our home, for our own personal satisfaction if we could? I am sure a good number of us. Yet, were forced to wait patiently as the Sun's heat fades, and the night sky appears before we can enjoy their beauty once more. Not to be kept or captured, but to be adored, and loved simply for the peace and beauty they bring, shared and shown off to the world, never hidden away for the single individuality of one person.

      I believe this is how we as a submissive, should live. Not to be captured and hidden away from the eyes of the public, but to be shown off, and admired by all, while knowing they can never touch or have us, because we know where we belong, where our fire resides. A single individual or perhaps more than one individual, depending on the dynamic, capable of holding our fire, and stoking its beauty to new heights everyday, showing us off to the world, but being the only one/s able to handle the burn of the flames that we truly are. Our submission is a gift, our partner rewarded with such things not because he has earned it, or filled some "role", but because we understand that without their control or dominance we might unravel at the chaos of the world, yet in their arms we find safety, love, and home in the world they have carefully crafted for us. 

     Slowly I'm learning that control is a thing of beauty, especially when it comes to myself. I burn brightly against the night that surrounds me, because I see my worth, and the past need to have a man by my side constantly, dissolves like stardust trailing after a fallen star. Its the patience in waiting to see when and where my partner will find me. when he will finally come to claim what was his to begin with. Control in knowing that he may not ever appear, but the knowledge in knowing I am content to wait despite that fact. Control in being able to bring myself to pleasurable heights, until his touch can take over, and bring it to new heights that can't be attained, but by his hands and skills.  I never knew how brightly my soul could burn, never truly understood what the scalding heat of my devotion and passion could bring, until I began and dived into this journey. Yet my attention is held, all the same, by my own discoveries that draw me deeper into the want to learn.

     Meditation has become a favorite nightly routine. Creating silence in my mind, quieting the raised sounds and voices of the world around me, to the sound I create in my own mind. The quiet sound of a single drop of liquid hitting a lake of water beneath it. The ripple of out its power and energy moving out from the power and energy of its decent. My mind is such a powerful tool, that I have come to admire. It is said that not everyone can hear their own voice in their head. That some people are incapable of seeing a movie play out or hear the voices of the characters in it when they read books, that they simply see mental images. How sad that must be, to exist in a world such as that. People now find me strange, as I find myself speaking my mind more and more often.  Speaking in a way that leaves them shocked and a bit stunned, when I use and choose my words carefully. Often times, I express exactly how I feel in ways that you only see in movies or books. I, in turn ask them....why not? If I am truly to have someone understand me, why not speak from the soul, say what I really mean, and use the words that burn through my mind revealing the genuine intellect of my knowledge in the use of those words. People often refuse to speak like this aloud for fear of reprisal from another. Yet I find, that if people do not approve that is their own fault, not mine. I refuse to be held back or burdened by the inadequacies of another. I have no time to coddle someone who cannot see my worth, and seeks to dim it with their own insecurities. 

    Honesty and transparency are two things that I have learned I crave and demand without apology. So many people in my past have kept things from me, with lies, and false representation of a mask to hide what they truly think or feel. No more. If someone is to be a part of my life I want to see the real them. The monsters and demons that crawl through the darkness of their soul, the truth of their actions and feelings whether it leaves me burned by the heat of it or not. I am an individual with an analytical mind. I can forgive a truth quicker than I can a lie designed to hide the truth of a mistake made. My mind often seeks to understand the reasoning behind a mistake made, rather than judge the person in the heat of the anger in that moment. I am self ware enough that I can push back my own emotions, and seek to understand what happened and why. Lie to me, and I will show no mercy in cutting you from my life. I use to tolerate such things, but not anymore. I am a path that will be tread upon with light steps that leave no damage behind, will gentle understanding and guidance,  or I will be the path beneath your feet that begins to move until the damage you cause is erased with ease,  as you are swept away from my path with a devastating force of power and control , never to be allowed to returned. 

     Perhaps someday, I will finally be gifted with the touch of my true owner, the man who is to be my home, or perhaps I am destined to be alone, either way I am patient and will continue to wait. My control is my knew found strength. A strength that shines with the brilliance of the stars above us. Until next time my friends. 

 A song the makes the fire of my soul burn brighter:

The more I learn about myself, the more it scares me a little as I try to process the information I am learning. I hate my body, hate it with a passion that borders on obsession, In my mind I see the seductress I am. Understand that by losing weight and getting in shape, I would release a woman of pure seductive impulses. In the way I walk, the way I move, the choice and taste I have in clothing, from classy, all the way down to naughty. I would be fucking unstoppable in my need to find the very thing I crave. Holy fuck is all I can think as I learn more and more about myself. Yet, some part of me is determined to reach that goal, the need to turn into the fiery darkness that consumes me. The need to release my wants and desires without inhibition.

    Lets start simple. Primal. A dark word that plays on repeat in my head. Control, Dominance, things, words I crave with a bright fervor that seem ridiculous. I once read somewhere about a invitation only primal hunt that was being held at an estate. The participates were to sign a consent form and NDA, allowing what was going to happen that night. The description being simple, come join the hunt, be prey for the primal males looking to take what you may or may not be willing to give. A tease for anyone who read the undisclosed hint of cnc beneath those words. I wanted to go to that event so badly I could taste it, but alas I did not. The group was extremely closed, you had to know a member who knew one of the main members, yet reading that awakened a side of me that I had previously sought to deny. Until now. Understanding me means laying claim to my true nature. Even if I don't want to. Weak men begin to sicken me, at war with the side of me that needs that gentle loving touch of approval, that tenderness of after care, that says I love you in ways nothing else can. Oh yes, my mind is dark indeed, yet somehow I feel no shame in these thoughts. Perhaps that side of me has always been there. My taste in music has slowly changed, and yet remains unchanged, my music electing towards things that speak to my soul, my choices in food leaning more towards healthy choices, the taste of chemicals, and processed food waning. Meditation and understanding of the world and things around me, have a way of changing ones own craving I guess.

     Oh yes, I am a creature of sensual things. I see the world around me in technicolor. I look at the heaven at night with wonder as I stare at the stars, and behold the beauty of them wishing I could escape into the unknown. Another part of me walks to the mailbox every night between midnight and three am daring, hoping, holding my breath. Yes, exactly what you are thinking as you read this. It seems I have a dangerous side as well. Tsk tsk, such a bad girl. Yet, there's also a submissive side that begs for capture, to be tamed. One that rebels at the thought of anything less. Is it wrong to think about or want these things. Perhaps in the minds of a weaker individuals mind it is, but not in my mind. I'm tired of conforming to the ideals of those around me. Done with conforming to them, as I break free of the secrets holding me in chains. Why pretend to be something I am not. Years of being people pleasing, and doing everything they want while letting them tread and walk all over me without mercy. Well here's my fuck you to the world, as I take myself back. I was asked recently if I have a little side, the truth is, yes I do , but not in a way people think. I like pacifiers for adults, because it teaches me different way to play with my mouth, I like coloring while laying on my stomach in shorts and a tank top kicking my feet back and forth, because its soothing and relaxing to help me clear my mind, I love disney movies, cartoons, and shows that inspire hope and other feelings, because it tells me I am still capable of believing in things like true love, and infinite possibilities. Yes, I absolutely love stuffed animals, perhaps because it was my only safety in the world of foster care. I am not ashamed to admit that . It's part of my history, part of what made me who I am, there is no shame in lessons learned. Stuffies are a valuable safety in my mind, one I refuse to give up just because it makes another uncomfortable.

      The more I learn about myself the more I smile, and release the hold on the things that have held me back for years. The more I learn the more I want to discover. Likes , dislikes, conversations I want to have with a partner who would understand and engage me prying for answers that would help them understand me better, almost like an obsession, while I sought to understand all of them, weaknesses and strengths, things that would teach me exactly what they needed. My devotion and loyalty are unwavering, and unquestionable. I have learned that through careful study.

     Freedom means never lowering myself to the will of someone who isn't worthy of me, and believe me my standards for myself and anyone who seeks my attention have risen sharply and high. If that means I never allow another man who isn't worthy of my time to touch me , then so be it. I feel no regret in my choices or my future decision. Only a new hope and happiness that leaves me breathless in my taking of it. Fuck if my soul isn't singing to me right now, and I don't ever plan to look back . Best wishes to all my fellow cage members. Cause damn I can finally smile, and its the best feeling ever. 

My current song obsession below: