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Saudade

"Memory of something with a desire for it." (Duarte Nunes de Leao)
1 week ago. Tue 16 Apr 2019 09:33:42 PM IDT

O meu pequeno segredo sucio… My dirty little secret


Being a total variety fetistist is not an easy cross to bear. Cannot even tell you how many things I've looked at and thought 'nah, not really my thing' and then the Champion of Diversity persona wrested control of the bus in Henna-land and forced me to try it. Bitch. Sometimes I come out of the experience going 'eh, really wasn't my thing, but glad I gave er a go’ but more often than not I'm like 'damn, I DO like that, huh, who knew…’ (Not edging though, edging just sucks and is horrible... blech).


Mentioned a long time ago in my word vomit here that I knew I didn't like the majority of my Hard Limits because I've unfortunately lived them. I've since simplified that section on my profile (Damn thing was just toooo long overall, even by my standards, and wanted to focus more of my profile words on the positive rather than negative.) but even in the longest version of it I never mentioned one Limit that's been a constant for most of my life.


I've alluded to it publicly (well, publicly in the Cage anyway) recently, a few times. And finally even admitted that I'd allowed the Limit to be breached by a couple different Cage folk, and had to be honest...I enjoyed the hell out of it. To the point I had to search out the experience solo... dammit.


Without further ado, one of the examples of a heretofore never embraced pleasure...my dirty little secret…

 

 

Damn, can't use one of my oldest self descriptive chestnuts anymore…’I love music, especially live, and enjoy a wide range of genres, except bluegrass, can't take bloody bluegrass’...


Hi, I'm Henna, and apparently I like bluegrass… fuck me running!


Be well all, even you Cage denizens that inflicted this horror upon me 😘,

- Henna


Disclaimer here...this is another piece of satire, hopefully it won't fall as flat as Que Hai did, but I thought that was funny too, so who the hell really knows if anybody will get this one either...s'okay...but please know I am not advocating either breaching someone else's true Hard Limits, or allowing anyone to breach yours. That's just F'd up.

1 week ago. Tue 16 Apr 2019 05:38:42 PM IDT

Sentese ben...feels good

 

 

Silly Henna (still!) Today's top down jam in the jeep...

 

 

Sadly it is only the lyric vid, I really prefer seeing the artist's vision for their song, but sumbunny f'd up their one job BADLY... the official vid loaded on Vevo for Dumb Blonde is actually the one for Avril and Lil Mama's Girlfriend, oooopppsss. 

 

Ya'll have fun out there and be well,

- Henna

1 week ago. Fri 12 Apr 2019 01:32:13 AM IDT

Non e culpa mina...not my fault!

 

I was gonna behave now, but the Queen brought it up...😘

 

 

No flaming either...yes, I get that it works and makes you feel good. Anything that doesn't allow chocolate just has to be evil though. Jus sayin'

 

Now, I behave...

1 week ago. Fri 12 Apr 2019 01:12:50 AM IDT

Hehehehe...warned you!!! She weird today!!!

 

Goza...enjoy

(or don't, is cool either way..I had fun!)

 

Lizzo...I'm LOVING!!! 

 

 

And damn...*fans self*...

 

 

Okay, back to your bidness...weird Henna satiated...for a minute...😁

1 week ago. Fri 12 Apr 2019 12:53:45 AM IDT

A tola de hoxe... today's goofy shit

 

Yep, still silly Henna driving bus... there's prolly gonna be more too... have a couple a songs that are pressing hard to be shared...sorry...😂

 

 

Wanted to drop a quick note to the sweet newbie that said hi...no offense, dear, but it takes the stubborn old dinosaur a bit of time to even consider outside of Cage but still semi anonymous platforms, definitely won't do texting or the like with someone I don't know well. Might be wrong, but my guess is that not many of the other gals are cool with that either...good luck though! 

- Henna

2 weeks ago. Wed 10 Apr 2019 10:33:09 PM IDT

Wow...the Galician word that translates to 'wow'... *Henna giggles, that fits*

 

Rolling in the jeep, windows down, shoulda dropped the top, but didn't take the time. 

 

 

Off to do nilla stuffs...

Be well lovelies,

- Henna

2 weeks ago. Wed 10 Apr 2019 09:58:16 PM IDT

Hehehehe...not even translating!!!

 

3 weeks ago. Wed 03 Apr 2019 02:02:21 AM IDT

Os meus colares...my collars...

I foreshadowed (threatened?) this blog post in an earlier one about collars, oddly enough titled 'My collar...'. The gist of that one, so you don't have to wade through my overexuberant wordage (guess it should actually be 'more of my overexuberant wordage'... didn't think you were getting away scot-free this time, didja?) when you probably just want to see some fun pictures, was that I am not in a collared relationship with anyone at this point in time. The profile statement and physical collars I wear connect me to my kink. Not quite the same sentiment of the folks that collar themselves, but similar idea. 

Whether I'm in a serious kink relationship (or shipS) or not, I'm still Henna. I've heard the argument that a Dominant is only such when a submissive grants them that title. I personally don't really agree with the supposition. I can, and frequently do, see someone as Dominant although they may not be MY Dominant. And my personal Domme side is still there, just muted, when my subbie side is driving the bus. I don't need someone to give me the power to see myself in either role. They only need to accept the side of me that's piqued by them if we decide to do anything beyond friendly chat. No shade if you feel differently though. 

Anywho...point of all that is that I wear collars in the real, more often than not, as a touchstone (*yes, just read the other blogs that mention other people's touchstones, shamelessly glomming in on the perfect metaphor party...) for my kink. It's always there, in the background, even if it isn't appropriate to let Henna out to play.

I loved the pictures one of our beautiful new-ish girls was good enough to post of hers, so this old dinosaur thought she'd share some of her collection with you too. Still haven't gotten around to taking new fun pics, although it's on my agenda for sometime soon, in the meantime these are just a conglomeration of oddly cropped previously taken photos that some of my collars are visible in...hope you enjoy...

 

These are my usual 'day collars', a simple leather cord strung with a pearl that rests right at the base of my throat. I have half a dozen different colors but more often than not grab the black one. It's the style I primarily wear when in business attire but also press it into service with the occasional corset too! 

 

Braided black leather, about an inch wide, shown with fetish wear and also with a huntress costume. This was taken at a Comic Con, but I'm also a total RennFaire geek. There just aren't enough reasons to costume up in Life! 

This beaut was a 'to: me, from: me, love: me' prezzie. It's from India, the gal that does my mehndi for me (didn't think Henna was just an unsupported nick, now did you?) brought it back for me. Gilded, with matching chandelier earrings and a tikka that I haven't figured out where to wear for the first time yet. Will though, it's just too pretty not to.

Okay, that's a good start. I'll get some decent pictures done with others in the ol collection and post soon. 

Be well friends,

- Henna

1 month ago. Sun 24 Mar 2019 03:09:18 AM IST

Lectura necesari, non apenas...required reading, not hardly…


Hey all two or three of Henna's faithful (and stunningly masochistic in the not good way) readers… had a giant spew bubbling up that required words to paper (screen, dammit, to screen…) Prattle commencing, I recommend leaving now to avoid the copious vomitage upon the page likely to be forthcoming…


Started this last night but didn't get too far because I needed to carb up and try to get some sleep. Had my first race this morning since I got sick end of last year. On a bit of an endorphin high atm, was awesome to get back out finally. And no, didn't come in at the front of the pack, I am a lumbering dinosaur after all, but wasn't in the back group with the ladies pushing strollers and old people power walking either, so it's cool.


So, what could be so big that I elected to resurrect Saudade from the great dirt nap? Had something I needed to write I suppose. Not of any more import than any of my previous entries though of course. Ooh, perfect segue, love it when that happens unintentionally…


Took a minor hiatus with my blog and interacting here (although have still been writing a shitload of my own stuff though) with a bit of an assist from the powers that be after I posted an entry that didn't follow community rules. Quite pleased they allowed me my words back with the promise to sanitize and go forth and sin no more. So over this next little bit I'll be (re)updating the ol profile and reposting (most) of my previous writings with some minor edits. Don't say I didn't warn you…


Will you get to some sort of point, you tautological word ho…


Okay, okay...so today's spew brought to you courtesy of, well, you...


Had been starting to interact again these last few days following my unfortunate bout with insanity and was feeling reasonably okay with the idea I didn't need to turn tail and run from a place that I'd found where I thought I might be understood, at least somewhat. Happened upon the following during my Clash period. (Come on, work with me people... 'Should I Stay Or Should I Go’...fuck, hate having to explain my stupid humor!) I know I'm poaching someone else's first blog entry of it, but it's a good fucking song, hotter than hell vid, and it's Bebe. Just deserves extra exposure.



Don't go getting all excited, this ain't actually my last hurrah here at Cage. Think I might understand the actual meaning of the song after quite a bit of consideration though.


‘I know I've said it all before

But it won't hurt to do it all once more…


Maybe I'll never change

But I'm still glad I came

Try again another day

But for now


This is my last hurrah, once I start

I ain't gon stop til I go too far

Last hurrah and it's okay

Maybe tomorrow I won't feel this pain’


Bebe, and her co-writers (yes, I should credit, no, not going to…), did exactly what many artists seem to do for me. Put my thoughts, quandaries, and questions into words. She isn't saying this is really the last time she'll take this path, the walk in the dark, the excess, the craziness. She knows it's not 'good’ or 'right’, but it's her answer when the pain comes back, and it always does, to exchange the bad hurt and chaos for the good kind. Ditto for me, without a doubt.


Noted there has been more than a bit of discussion of late in blogs and blog responses (have no fucking idea what gets discussed in chat, just easier to stay out of that beehive for me, I'm entirely too slow…) about what people choose to share. As in who is just being dramatic or shit stirring, and how others should best handle things that upset, frighten, or disturb them, and what crosses lines of unacceptable behavior. We do have community guidelines there to keep anyone from overstepping anyone else's privacy by disallowing naming others without their permission, and the guidance to attack opinions not people in the event of disagreement. I don't have any skin in the game with anyone else's blogs. I'm not owned, not protected, do not own, and am not protecting anyone. I speak my own words and share from my own experiences and opinion.


So the title of this blog...nothing I put out, either here or in response to someone else’s blog or forum is required reading. Have something supportive to say? Great, please feel free. A suggestion or life experience that might help us all grow and learn? I'm all ears, might not work for me but good on you for sharing. Disagree with me? Again feel free to provide your input as long as we all follow the rules. I actually rather enjoy a good stirring friendly debate. Think I'm just a pretentious windbag or drama queen, why in the hell have you read this far?


I've previously stated, on an embarrassing frequent basis, that I considered the Cage my community, my people, my family in a way. I'd drank the kool-aid, bought into the pats and hugs and words of support given to me and others struggling and reaching out for souls who might understand us.


Now sadly I'm seeing it a bit differently, doesn't feel quite as close or safe. I trusted people told truths, wanted the best for me and others, and believed that most here thought I was a decent and caring person, although a bit odd and broken. Thinking I was mistaken in my naivety and wishful thinking though. I suppose there are likely people here like me, sitting behind their screens, who want to support and share and help and grow, who take words written as genuine, and see the nick or handle as a flesh and blood person with feelings and the right to a voice as we have gathered here to get through this thing called life. (thank you Prince...you are missed…) But there are also those who only want to hurt, break, manipulate, threaten, use, and fuck with people. You pays your money, you takes your chances, I suppose.


In this grand theatre that is the Cage, it's okay to be the character you want to see yourself as. Do remember though, that every goddamned one of us, Dom/Domme, sub, little, Switch, Master/Mistress, slave, pet, Primal, etc, etc, etc. is real behind that keyboard. We've all made mistakes, hurt people, been hurt, been confused, misunderstood another's words or actions, been misunderstood, and acted poorly at some time. No one from the most intuitive Dominant to the lowliest slave, has all the answers or knows the one true path.


If you have a hard spot with what someone chooses to discuss there is an easy out for you, just don't read it. Like many of us, I've succumbed to the temptation to get involved because I thought I understood something. But in a world of half-truths, pure fantasy, and game playing that's a sketchy proposition at best. Guess I know better now…


So the wrap-up? I'm not perfect, but neither are you. I'm going to keep using this space to continue to work through that which I carry when I feel the need. I'll try my damnest to follow the rules of the site, because I don't want my voice silenced completely. I'll also likely weigh in when I can if I feel like I have something constructive to offer someone else. Don't like what I have to say, or just me personally, please do us both a favor and walk on by.


Wonder why I'm not just leaving if I'm this disenchanted? I'm not sure to be honest. Been a lot of hurt here for me personally, but also a lot of healing, guess I just want to see which end of the teeter-totter ends on the high side. Feeling pretty damn cynical atm though.


Not exactly my usual idea for a sexy shoe pic, but I felt pretty damn happy running this morning, so here is today's submittal…

 

 

Be well,

- Henna

 

1 month ago. Sun 10 Mar 2019 02:54:02 PM IST

I very seldom write in free form poetry, but I've been writing a ton recently and this just kind of appeared as I struggled to sort myself. The intention was purely to capture my feelings and thoughts, my own headspace, if you will. It's a little deep and personal but I've successfully used this space to dig through the baggage I carry more than a few times. I need to try to heal myself...again...so thought I'd try what previously worked for me. Writing and reading the words...

 

Shush, little one, don't break…


Don't break when after a year of uncertainty, inability and unwillingness to trust, (while the brain quietly repeats that the course considered looks like a mistake) starts to transform into slowly taking the chance, letting others finally in. Removing walls, allowing faith to win, sharing secrets, letting go of nagging arguments.


Don't break when someone you care for is struggling. When you talk and talk but you have no answers for them, no profound words, no real comfort.


Don't break when your words and actions are manipulated and misunderstood. When all you've wanted was to try to protect and help and grow and learn and feel safe and still managed to screw it up. Don't break when the people you've bared your soft underbelly to, who you thought might understand the things you carry with you, see you as drama queen.


Don't break when multiple different sources feed your paranoia, telling you their own fears and imaginings and misunderstandings, and each build up their own little piece in the play, because you might put all those little bits you thought were each fact together incorrectly …


Don't break, don't try to protect the people around you. Not only from the real monsters you thought you saw, like the ones you know really exist because you lived through them,  but from anyone, much like the story of the nobleman by Dumas...


Don't break when someone you called friend says they'll help, but only if you ask respectfully. You must be quiet and listen nicely so they can do their job in fixing the things in your brain someone else previously damaged because if you do break you are just another psychotic female dog, not worthy of another syllable…


Don't break, it's only grand illusion, riveting theatre, a fun party game…

No need for fear, or tears…. or truth, because perception and interpretation and manipulation reigns…


Don't break when you are shown yet again that you understand nothing. Such a bright girl, such potential but a little simple, good with facts, and numbers, and words, but no concept of people talking in riddles, and subtexts, and easily confused.


Don't break, because if you do you'll find out that you mean nothing, you are only welcome if you are helpful and quiet and behave, as always...


Just don't break...

 

Please, no ugliness. I just wanted to be understood. Not to hurt.