Happy V-Day Cage folk!
Happy V-Day Cage folk!
A resposta do foro...non o podia axudar...Forum response...couldn't help it
The Dinosaur is still on a JOMO break but I have been stopping in periodically, catching up a little on blogs and trying to stay somewhat current on the comings and goings of the Cage denizens (woefully inadequately, btw). Started to respond to a Forum Q I caught this morning but in typical Henna fashion I used waaayyyy too many words so decided to chuck this into the Blogosphere before heading back under my rock.
Henna's two cents...
The idea that a registry or log should exist so folks can publicly call out the faux, fakes, predators, and scammers or even just a rating system, like one uses for uber drivers or Yelp reviews, comes up in discussion every so often here. It's frequently proffered by someone new to the community but not always. Sometimes even the experienced among us get surprised that someone they thought they knew was really different than presented/ expected.
The notion is better than the reality of the idea though for a few reasons. The possibility, nay likelihood, of it being misused is huge. There are always three sides to any interaction; yours, mine, and the reality that usually lies somewhere between them. (Or more than three in poly configs!) What feels 'true' to you, say 'we were in a perfect relationship and then the person ghosted me' might be described by the other person is 'the relationship was really uncomfortable and I tried to gently break it off but finally just had to step away from the situation because it wasn't healthy'. Who is 'right' there, and who 'wrong'? If the 'leavee' has the right to leave their version outing the 'leaver', the 'leaver' has the right to leave their perspective of it too, don't they? Pretty sure the whole thing would devolve into a tit for tat 'well, he did this' 'well, she did that' uglyfest. Lord knows that already happens in our personal blogs, an 'Identify the Bad People' forum would the epitome of nasty. And that's assuming both parties were being totally truthful and not intentionally trying to malign the other. Can't even imagine how fugly that would end up.
A rating system might be less onerous, but even that's fraught with problems. Someone really gregarious and outgoing might well have a large circle of friends who will happily uprate them but may well be a shit personal partner. Or the cranky sort who gets downrated because they frequently weigh in with contentious comments or heavy handed advice might be your ideal matchup beneath the crusty exterior they present to the world.
There are fakes, scammers, and predators here, on both sides of the slash, undeniably. However, mostly this place is just a lot real people who are learning as they go, growing, figuring out what resonates for themselves, making stupid mistakes, being rude, getting their feelings hurt, being overly sensitive, occasionally acting paranoid delusional (Henna waves 👋), and just generally being human, which means fallible. If there's going to be a list of people who act like asshats, reasonably sure nearly everyone should make the roster at least occasionally, no? Not sure how that sort of a list would help anyone really.
Even a listing of 'Real/ Not Real' is a weird slippery slope. There are no rules handed down from on high about how our kink 'must be done'. Every so often someone will expound on how nobody here is a 'real' submissive, or how the Insta-Doms are just nilla losers who watched 50 Shades a few times. Is someone not a 'real' submissive if they don't immediately drop to their knees, cast their eyes downward, and address any rando Dominant as Sir, Mistress, or some other odd deferential? Many of us don't feel like that's necessary but there are certainly folks that do prefer their kink that way. I personally don't care for folks ordering me about casually, but there are subbies that dig the fuck out of a stranger giving them JOIs or tasking them somehow. And more than a few folks who found their way into our Lifestyle through the nilla portrayals of kink, like 50 Shades (cringy or not). Does that make them less worthy to be here than someone raised in a Gorean household? So, who is the real-ist? Who makes the list? And who gets to make their picture of Real/ Not Real the sacred cow? Me? You?
The Predator designation is tricky too. What one person sees as predatory behavior may be totally acceptable to someone else. I'm personally completely ooked out by hypnosis/ mental control, to the point it's my hardest Hard Limit, but there's a lot of folks who are enthusiasticly onboard with monkeying around with someone's brain or having theirs monkeyed around with. What I would see as patently predatory abuse might be someone else's cup of tea. Again, there isn't a kink rulebook, nor should there be.
We do have a system of rules here that are in place to keep the community viable, like no findom/me solicitation or naming others in public comment without their permission. You have the option to block or report anyone who offends you to the admins. And they do exercise their ability to delete public comments that run afoul of the rules and banish members if warranted. They may not always make perfect decisions but they do try. It's not foolproof or a kindergarten, and unless we 'evolve' into some dystopian nightmare of conformity with checklists of right and wrong, there is no systematic guarantee of safety. Instead it's an amorphous community of people who enjoy things that are outside of most of societies rules and norms. It's a spectrum, not a 'you must be this tall to ride the ride' kind of thing.
The best way to learn about who is who is to be patient. It's a hard thing to do when you come in, and see this big beautiful exciting world and want to dive right in. All these interesting profiles and people contacting you. Who to trust? Who to believe? Talk, listen, ask questions, ask more questions, share your thoughts, wishes, preferences, requirements. Really listen to what people offer and how they speak to you and to other people. If it sounds too good to be true it frequently is. Use the informal peer to peer networks: talk to other subs if you are a subbie, Dominants if you are a D type. You can talk to people outside of your role IF you can avoid either bowling over or being bowled over by opinion. Not necessarily the easiest thing to maintain which is why using your peers may be a better choice. Always remember though, that you are your best resource. What may be right for others may not be right for you and conversely just because someone isn't necessarily well liked doesn't mean they aren't a perfect fit for you. That person that 'everybody' might seem to love may make you miserable. A bad guy list won't protect you from getting your heart broken and a good guy list won't provide you with a stamped, approved, bona fide perfect match. Life doesn't work like that, either in the nilla world and especially not here in our Wonderland of Kink.
Be well all,
Speaking of contentious comments and the option to block...saw something I felt the need to comment on that I'm unable to do so on so putting it here...many people, me included, have used and use this space to unpack their issues. It's not a snowflakey safespace with puppies to cuddle and calming music piped in but trust me, if you don't like what someone is putting out it's best to walk on by. Insulting someone who is hurting and publicly pointing out behavior that you feel is unbecoming to their identified role firmly identifies one as a gatekeeper, a 'my definition of kink' is the only valid one type. It just feels mean and unnecessary and doesn't really help anyone. Ditto with assuming the way someone writes shows the entirety of who they are. I fucked up there personally, reading more into written words than what was actually being said, listening to people with their own agendas, and projecting my past hurt onto current events and believe me, it sucks. Tearing someone else down (unless that's their kink and you've negotiated the service) serves no purpose in the end. There's no need to birth more pain into a world full of it. (Unless it's the fun kinda pain! That's a-okay! 👍)
Okay, done now...back under rock.
Ledicia De Faltar...Joy Of Missing Out (loosely…)
Time for a little Dinosaur musing, I'd normally advise turning away as to avoid being contaminated by the spewage but either you'll be reading my silly Saudade nonsense or you won't. Not really much left for me to say about it once I push 'publish', balls now in your court…
I had a beaut started last night. I didn't sleep much and all the thoughts that have been whirling about internally for a few weeks now, hell, longer than that really, were clammered for inclusion. Same premise, that I need a little time under my rock, but with more than a little vitriol about the fact that by virtue of making such a statement I'd be encouraging the 'if you were serious you'd just go, not trumpet it' contingent. Although given that some of those folks are apparently so distraught by Henna that they have me on block (Damn, I scary! Rawr!🦖) maybe they won't even notice! 👍 Of course if you don't make some kind of statement and just go quiet (okay quietER in my case) somebody's going to get their panties in a bunch because then obviously you're nothing but a meanie old Ghoster who did it just hurt their feelers. The horror. 👻 And that was just the beginning, told you, I was wound tight...
Oddly enough the Universe did me a favor though. Square in the middle of full on whinefest the phone shut down and failed to save anything. I take that as a sign…
The (sorta) quickie version is that I am in need of another JOMO break. This space, the Cage, has been important to me for the last two plus years. It's given me the opportunity to rediscover a piece of myself that I'd thought might be gone forever. I've met some incredibly close friends, a few loves, a lot of infatuations and casual relationships, and had a ton of fun. I claimed you guys...yes, sans everyone's consent, sorry… as my community. I tried to be a friendly, if a bit opinionated, sort, to support where I could and maybe help others avoid some of the difficulties I've put meself through. And I used my blog and other communications, both private and public, to muddle through much of the shit I carry.
Wasn't all great of course, and sure wish I'd handled some things differently, and also wish others had too. But overall it's been a good place and has helped tremendously as I work toward integrating the girl I used to be, the woman I am today, and the human being I desire to be. I will say, though, that online is a weird universe, eh, multiverse I guess. Maybe it's because of the kink factor or maybe all online communities are bizarro, I don't really know...before stumbling into the Cage I'd not been involved in chatrooms or other such. The Dinosaur is a Luddite.
I've prattled quite a bit about the fact that my Life is a more difficult right now than I'd prefer to have to deal with. Being here, when it's light, airy, and fun, is wonderful. It helps me recharge and relax. Even when the interactions are more intense, if it feels like there is growth, learning, and/ or healing occurring for me or others, it's doable. But when it's just stressful, either because of people who want more from me than I have to give, or there's too much ugliness, I don't even want to play anymore. It's not worth it to me, not with everything else so tough right now. Why do I want to borrow more sadness, pain, or stress?
Spoiler...I don't. I can't. It's not my responsibility to protect, guide, or teach anyone. Not to Domme anyone and sure as hell not to kneel. I am not an owner, am not owned. By my choice. Perhaps someday it will be different, but for now it is what it is, and I don't require anyone's permission or approval for it to be thus. I do have friends here, and those that truly are know that I continue to care about them even when quiet. And all of them are more than capable of making their own decisions and doing as they choose, good or bad. I got no, nor want any, skin in the game. It's up to you what you want your community, interactions, roleplay, relationships, and kinkworld as a whole to look like. Imma take a JOMO break, but I'm sure I'll be around here and there. Maybe I'll finally make it out to LaBrea, I hear it's a great place for dinos to chill.
Be well all and much luck,
I see his beauty
as the sun glints off beautifully colored wings.
He comes and goes as he will
fluttering and floating to and fro
examining the pretty flowers that bloom in my garden.
If I sit quietly
he will sometimes will fly my way
There I can admire his beauty as he flits and darts close
and if I'm very, very still
he will light on my hand
for just a moment
before he has to fly away
and return to his butterfly life.
If I try to hold him, to draw him in,
he dances and hovers just out of reach.
I suppose I could try to entice him,
presenting a fake flower with sweet sugar water nectar.
But I would rather know when he does appear,
he is there for me, not something false or fake, just me.
Perhaps I could try harder to catch him, ensnare him in a net,
and put him in a mason jar
where I could see him whenever I chose,
but if I did so I'd be capturing a wild creature,
one who wants, needs to fly free.
Go where he will, land where he wants, be who he needs to be.
And in the capture I could crush his beautiful wings or break his delicate legs.
I chose to enjoy his companionship
when he flies my way.
Feeling the tickle of butterfly feet on my face making me giggle.
Hearing the sound of butterfly wings whispering in my ear.
Soaking up the beauty I see,
Always knowing it's transitory, fleeting, precious,
I'd rather have those quiet moments, than not experience them at all.
And do you want to know an interesting truth?
A butterfly too.
Deep thoughts with Henna Handey indeed, but not in the comedic style I frequently employ. There are a lot of entries here in the Blogosphere celebrating the search for and the beauty of finding your O/one. And a lot more of them bemoaning the pain that often comes in doing so. No shade at all against people looking for a soulmate, but those of us not aren't represented as often. Because of our butterfly lives; the children, work, responsibilities, and everything else that makes up our vanilla worlds, and truthfully sometimes the scars and wounds we carry, we are patently unavailable. We fly into this garden to recharge, enjoy, relax. Perhaps in some future time, Life may align to allow us to land but for now, best we got is fluttering in and out. It's up to you if you choose to engage with a butterfly. If you are able to, it can be beautiful and fun and even meaningful, but the likelihood is that we can't be your everything, your all...we still have to fly.
Be well friends,
The Dinosaur peeks out from under her rock. Seeing that the vicinity looks quiet and undisturbed, she quickly (well...for a dinosaur...) scurries out from her lair. Although hesitant to leave her solitude often anymore something presented in the interwebz that must, absolutely, unequivocally, be shared. So thoroughly compelled the Dinosaur acquiesces...
Enjoy...and as usual, tis not beautiful speak but oh so fun!!!!
Be well, lovelies,
- Henna 🦖
Viaxes de dinosauros...Dinosaur travels
So...you all know how I'm always blubbering on all woo-woo-ish about how the Universe puts things in front of a body? Like what is meant to happen does? And I also do a goodly amount of whining because I'm just as sure that Life is a separate entity and she has it out for Henna for some unknown reason. Still think the Universe holds bigger sway than just dumb ol Life though….
Anywho, I've mentioned to a lot of folks in convo and talked about it waaaayyy back early in Saudadeage that I have always loved to travel, both for work and pleasure. With Life's recent shenanigans (Bitch!) I haven't been able to indulge the way I used to. Haven't been out of the country in foreva. Been jonesing for an adventure but hadn't entirely settled on what or where.
So I was virtually wandering about one of my favorite travel mags and blundered into about the 38 Best Hotels in Tokyo. (Why 38? Writer dude is apparently as rando as I am!) And lo and behold (cue angels singing...in Japanese), the Universe administered the 'you must go there' smack to the back of the head…Ta da…
It's a real place, namesake and robot concierge spirit animals and all….Yes, Universe, I hear you … I'll book tickets as soon as you Dom Life into being nice to the Henna! 😘
Be well all, and listen to the Universe's musings!
- Henna... or as the Universe apparently has a stutter Henn Na! 🦖
The small stage is dark, a single spotlight trained on the old-school microphone in a rickety stand. A handful of small tables filled with a mix of boho, artisty, and other counterculturist type folks are crammed awkwardly into the bookstore coffee shop-cum-poetry slam. The air heavy with the musty scent of old paper, patchouli, and a hint of the ganja, wafting in from the alley behind the building.
A rustle from behind the curtain that separates the 'performance' area from the shelves of well used and well loved tomes causes the audience to look up from their chais, bobas, lattes, and the BYOB wine bottles wrapped in their brown paper bags.
She steps into the light, a smallish woman, older, unremarkable, dressed in all black... turtleneck, trousers, ballet flats, and a beret covering her brunette hair, now flecked with a smattering of grey. A long cigarette dangles from her blood red lips, unlit in deference to the venue.
Looking at the crowd over the dark tortoise horn-rimmed glasses propped halfway down her nose, she nods to the Richard Feynman looking dude sitting just to the right of the stage. The bongo accompaniment starts, and she speaks...
and when the pain in your brain is too much of a strain,
truth laid plain, too obsessed to abstain,
wanting nothing more than the attention of the swain,
red blood in vein, the heart's domain,
a love to drain, mine to attain?
his manner urbane,
but never enough to completely ascertain,
then unable to sustain,
and when the emotions wane,
again left standing alone in the rain,
no longer entirely sane,
I put on the smile of the demimondaine,
sing with the cane,
indulge in the profane,
affections to feign,
embracing the silliness and the inane,
In hopes of my significance to retain,
and yet... it's all just in vain…'
The drums fall silent, and she steps back into the shadow… the snapping starts, except for one poor middle aged nebbish looking fellow sitting at one of the corner tables alone. He. Claps... but is swiftly brought to bear by the pointed stares of the regular patrons. Clapping at Spoken Word.. the audacity, the gall, the effrontery...who does dat!
And now I present...Music for a crazy dinosaur…
Be well lovelies, and remember 'snap not clap'! 😘
- Henna 🦖
*I swear, this was a satire piece… I was laying in bed last night awake, as I am wont to do, thinking about how to preface a new volume of Dino Jams. I'd intended it to be another Halloween outing, but Life (dumb, mean Bitch) putzed a bit with Henna's mind last night (Again, goddammit!) and I was feeling the schizophrenia pretty strongly. And the wine...I was definitely feeling the wine…lots of wine. 🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷🍷…..
I decided on the internal turmoil theme rather than the external boogeymen of Halloween direction when Eminem and Rihanna's The Monster got stuck in my head. (See how my brain segued... crazy, huh?🤪). And the gawdawful poem above just presented itself in it's utterly horrific splendiferousness. (I blame the evil alcohol… I'm a much better writer… well, in my own mind anyway) I couldn't use it solo, it is just too much of a stinker so I wrote a bunch of high brow art-house prattle silliness to park it in this morning. 😁 Hope you enjoyed, twas a tickle to write.
Dinosaur Halloween Jams Vol 2
More, more, more!!!
These are def a little harder and decidedly not beautiful speak, but glorious in their darkness....
Feeling black leathery today....it is Friday... hmm, wonder if Henna should get a little moonlight tonight... perhaps, perhaps...
Dinosaur Halloween Jams Vol. 1... (That means they are older than dirt...like me! 🦖)
Thanks for the inspiration Blogosphere! Damn, I ❤️ Halloween!
Henna's Helpful Hints
Just In Time Module 2
Well fuck...I hadn't intended to do any more primer writing, just wrap up the dozen already in prog and especially not this blasted soon. But managed to get spun up (okay actually MORE spun up)…(and can someone please remind me why I actually care anyway...🤦) so rather than stew, or start heaping insults on someone who won't see it my way anyway, I came here. Perhaps it will be a beneficial lesson to help you avoid same hot stove Henna touched…
May seem a bit oversimplified, but please, I'd ask just hear me out, consider it, and then do what feels right to you. Just because something doesn't fit Henna's definition of safe or good, doesn't make it so. But I hate the idea of anyone blundering into something blind when I knew the obstacle was there and didn't warn em. So..
Okay, now if you want to keep heading that direction, it's on you…
Confidences… Or what's the big deal with private messages (pm's)/ direct messages (dm's)?
Anybody that has seen much of my whinage, knows that I came into Cage all those months ago as a regular eremetic. I think I came off as friendly (might be wrong, but you don't need to clue me in if I didn't, I prefer my fantasy I think) but really reserved. Wouldn't do personal info exchange, limited what communication methods I was willing to use, took a long time to get comfortable enough to give discreet deets. (Although crimeny, I showed my ankle tat in my profile shot and avatar for like 6 months before it occurred to me out of the blue that ink is used forensically for identification...🤦 Geez, I'd be a shit bank robber…).
And still, with all of that, I managed to have a creeper from out of state show up in my hometown in the real uninvited. And assume he could bully his way into me being 'his' and attempt to 'run off' who he perceived as competition... well, damn, I guess he actually kind of did chase off one of the fellows. I was pissed at the time because I rather liked Dude B, but oh well, apparently I wasn't worth fighting for… all's well that ends well…
I've obviously eased up, to the point of showing my ass in a thong (okay, just a smidge of it, but still...it's my ass!), a good peek at the rest of me (and hey, if you put em all together you might have a fun cubist artwork!!), and for me, waaaayyy more scary, I showed my demons. My broken bits, the scared little girl, the wounded warrior, hopeless Henna, and more. I used you guys, really. I'd pull out scoopfuls of the Mt Washington sized mountain of shit I carry with me, spread them out on the floor, and with tears streaming down my face, quietly say 'please… look'. And in doing so I broke the power they held over me. Well, mostly... obviously some of the insanity holds on with one claw...
So, back to the reason I started this… I chose to whom and how I opened each of those shit bombs. I didn't assert control over the shit that caused the scarring, but having control of removing the band-aid covering it was mine. I'd earned it. I needed it. It made the difference.
When I finally allow myself to trust someone and show them me, and I don't mean just a headshot, although that's part of it too, I mean the soft squishy underbelly, that is huge for me. Monumental even. Henna just don't do dat shit!!!
Now there obviously are levels to privacy. I learned a valuable lesson about where the line between share and overshare clearly sits for me. You need to decide where it sits for you, but here's my experience…
I had a wonderfully close friend, we talked about all sorts of things, serious and mundane. We each griped, complained, and puzzled over the crazy things that the partners in our respective lives did, commiserated and offered one another both solace and advice. One day I was chattering on about someone, complimenting them actually, and not sure why I did, but I forwarded a picture I'd received to my friend. He jumped my ass. The disdain was palpable when he quietly asked 'how do you think he'd feel about you sharing that?'. I studdered and stammered and responded with 'but it's you'... Internally I was thinking 'I wouldn't have shared that with just anybody, but somebody I really really trust, doesn't really count.'
It does though, doesn't it? So I learned, that day, that for me, if I care about someone (yes.. that even includes you, Person I Just Finally Started Talking To Recently) I can talk with you about things I've heard or experienced or perceive. That's me sharing a part of myself, offering you a small piece of Henna. I can also show you my words in print, because they belong to me. But I can't show you someone else's words or pictures. That's my line. It might be stupid to you, but I don't look at you in the morning, I look at the me in the mirror. The easy answer if you doubt me, either because you think I'm running some scam or you think I'm just easily confused, is ignore the Henna prattle. Because I won't 'prove' it like that. I've tried that road, all it does is make me feel filthy and it gives the less compassionate of us more ammo to gaslight through.
So, there you go… Listen, or don't. Believe, or don't. Love who you love, trust who you trust. If you have nothing to worry about with the people around you, then disregard the warblings of old paranoid delusional nobodies. So consider my words, if they resonate, use that which does, chuck the rest. There is an old adage, eat the meat, spit out the bone. (Although that's stupid… why spit? Swallowing is so much more fun.) And really, if you are so convinced someone (say Henna for instance) is just running game, why would you bother talking with them? Seems like there's an easy answer to me.
There are of course all sorts of nuances in Confidences. It's not as cut and dried as say anything you care to and just don't show pictures of it. Even silly ol dinosaurs aren't that simple-minded. But for primer purposes here's the wrap up…
Virtual is an odd world, even more so than in the real, but either way you probably will meet and talk with lots of people. Relationships of all kinds start and end, for good and bad reasons. People are sometimes better than you thought, others are worse than you thought, and in the end we are all just a bunch of flawed humans in our macabre dance.
Showing the world something someone shared with you in confidence even if that person 'deserves it' or 'is bad', tells the world more about you than the 'bad' person. It shows that all I have to do is upset the person passing private correspondence and they will screw me just like that.
But what about the real bad guys, Henna? The abusers, predators, just general assholes that send rude emails. We need a place we can post em all and call em out and embarrass those baddies!!!
Woah, there deputies…
Believe me, I understand the appeal of going all lynch mob on the 'baddies'. There are some folks that just don't seem to learn. But, it really doesn't help. Doesn't change anything in the long run. They don't learn 'a lesson' and it's not really an effective deterrent for the next person, either.
'What's the sense of wrestling with a pig? You both get all over muddy...and the pig likes it.' (C.Ching's uncle not George Bernard Shaw!)
And the last thing with that...if any of you are perfect, never made a mistake, acted out of anger, misunderstood, or just had a bad day, please wave to the class. We need your help. I know I've fucked up a ton of stuff. I've used screenshots, entrusted to me alone, a few times and I don't like the way it feels to cross my own line. And that's why I share this here with you, see dumb thing Henna did? Don't be a Henna.
Be kind, be decent, be better. Hold on to your confidences, be that person who can be trusted, even if the other person isn't trustworthy. Why birth more pain into a world where too much already exists? For nothing? To make some point the masses will forget at the next little kerfuffle?
Okay… time to head back under my rock. Needed to emerge briefly anyway...wine run 🍷!
Until next time,