Kinktober Journal

After exploring a range of sadist and masochist archetypes, these were the primary motives I identified for myself:

Sadism: Domination, reaction, discipline.

Masochism: Devotion, challenge, release.

So, now my question is how they relate to each other given that I'm in a solo switch dynamic.

Something that will come up next week, when I get to domination and submission styles, but I will briefly mention now is that a core objective of mine is to learn and grow. That objective is self-directed. I seek input when I need it but otherwise don't want other people getting involved, trying to manage or influence or pressure me or try to make me accountable to them. I'm accountable to myself for anything personal.

The dynamic I have currently is a work in progress as I learn more, but one characteristic is that the focus is on growth. From the masochist side, challenge would fit that nicely. Going through difficult tasks set by my Dom side makes me push myself and endure things I might not have set myself as a whole but my Dom side does because he wants to push me. If he's feeling fair-minded, he might take a disciplinarian approach, but that's only been partially effective because I'm not service-focused.

Being sadistic has had more success because it demands a reaction from me, to rise to the challenge and/or do it out of devotion. The reason I would do either of those is because I respect my Dom side's intention to assert dominance, to grow in that area, demonstrating self-mastery. By doing so, I as a whole learn new skills and also grow. It's good for me, whatever angle you look at it from.

So, exhibiting a sadistic streak in order to assert dominance is actually quite uncomfortable given societal views on sadism, and you could argue that pursuing sadism is also masochistic for me. I find it a challenge and doing so releases complex emotions. I strive to do it because it's a part of me and I'm devoted to my development and full acceptance and integration of all aspects of me, including my darkest ones.

I (sub side) strategically bratted last night in response to dom drop because I needed to give my Dom side an excuse to be sadistic back to me, to justify it. But tonight, I fulfilled the tasks he set me despite not totally relishing them because in order for my Dom side to feel dominant, he needed a reaction from me that supports that. I took the tasks seriously, just as I've taken all of this seriously, because it was important to get back on the horse and prove that there was nothing wrong in what he asked of me.

I think that the dynamic we have around this is improving and that a purely bondage/discipline approach is insufficient. Punitive approaches are not effective on me on their own. I find them restrictive and annoying and too focused on service and duty.

I want to be loyal and devoted and choose to submit every single time until I don't, not have complacency set in because I'm acting out of duty and service. I want to be tested and push back occasionally, not out of disrespect but as the equivalent of sparring, to keep growing and honing skills and not get complacent.

From all of this, I feel that there is a symbiotic relationship between my sadistic and masochistic motives that's very workable.

Sir instructed me to kneel in the bath for fifteen minutes, then clean the bathroom in my posture collar and ankle cuffs using a toothbrush. Once it was done, I had to wear nipple clamps with the chain through my underwear so it tugged on them nice and tight. Now he's confiscated both my nipple clamps and my vibrator until the weekend.

I tried really hard to get everything just right for him after he was going through dom drop last night and he appreciated my efforts. I have a feeling that my strategic bratting to give him something to push against won't go unpunished, but if he wants to make me suffer for it, I will gladly do so. I want him to know that I respect him.

I will be sure to take extra care to be attentive to him at my bedtime ritual 🥰

In my last post, I mentioned that there were two videos by Evie Lupine in particular I wanted to use to help dig into the sadist and masochist archetypes that resonated most for me. I started with the masochist archetypes first and discovered that my primary motives were devotion, challenge and release/catharsis. 

That brings me now to: Sadism.
 

Sadism Archetypes

(These are in the video with reference to the original post and author on Fetlife.)

1. Service - one who enjoys pain play because the bottom enjoys it; they enjoy seeing the bottom get off on it.
2. Discipline - one who enjoys pain play as a tool for discipline and correction.
3. Role play - one who enjoys pain play to enhance role play and give a role more realism, e.g. angry schoolma'am, violent captor.
4. Domination - one who enjoys pain play to have authority over their partner, to remind them of who has control
5. Action - one who enjoys the sensation of a tool contacting the body, or the taboo of using an instrument of pain on a person.
6. Reaction - one who enjoys the reactions from the bottom, e.g. sounds, facial expressions, movements.
7. Suffering - one who enjoys pain play because the bottom hates it or as a form of emotional sadism.

Service: This is not my primary motive, but it is desirable for me.

Discipline: This is one of my secondary motives. I prefer to take a firm but fair approach to discipline but when pushed by bratting, this tends to make me more inclined to turn to a more discipline-focused sadism as an alternative that might be more effective and also because it's kind of where justice becomes revenge. Initially it might be about correcting the other person, but then they act up and it's then "two can play at that game" - you don't want to be fair with me or respect me, so let's see how you like it when I do the same back to you. (Goes without saying, but saying it anyway, that everything here is consented to and discussed thoroughly before with respect to SSC and RACK etc, so I'm not talking real revenge here.)

Role play: This is probably middle of my list. I haven't really done a whole lot of role play, but to a reasonable extent, any scenario where I'm being sadistic feels like I'm role-playing someone who is more dominant than I probably feel capable of.

Domination: This is my primary motivation. As soon as I heard this, I knew it was spot on.

"It's about liking having authority over the partner, including making them submit them to pain. It's about the pain and the process of inflicting pain being a reminder of how much they control the other person's body, and the simple fact that when you are in control enough of someone to be able to force them to experience pain, that can give the person a sense of being really in control and being really powerful."

It's complex and it will definitely warrant a post in itself, because fundamentally, my aversion to pain makes me want to control it any way I can. It might mean learning to endure it (challenge), or getting into a mindset of being open to it (devotion), or fighting through it to release more complex emotions (release), but it also means being the one who has the ability to use it and the self-control to use it effectively, to explicitly threaten to use it, to implicitly threaten to use it or not to use it at all, in order to get the desired reaction. That degree of self-control and power is absolutely desirable to me, not because I actually want to inflict pain, but it's effectively in line with the adage that it's better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war. Being prepared for the worst and being able to handle oneself with extremely high levels of self-control and self-mastery is very desirable to me in remits far beyond this context, i.e. learning yoga or a martial art, knowing the language of a country I want to visit so I can communicate effectively, understanding psychology and philosophy so I have a better understanding of how I tick and improve my relationships with the world around me, basically everything in life. It's one of the reasons I studied philosophy - know thyself. Self-mastery is one of the most important aims in my life and it puts the appeal of domination and the domination over control of pain in particular in context for me. 

Action: This is also low on my list, but where it does appeal is basically just feeding into domination. Caressing a tool in a way that is suggestive that I might inflict pain even if I have no intention of doing so makes me feel powerful.

Reaction: This is secondary only to domination as a motive. It isn't possible to have mastery over something without being receptive and responsive and adapting. If your partner is trying to scream through their gag and struggling with the ropes, then that tells you something about how much control you have. If they just look bored and unthreatened despite being in that situation, that tells you something too. I enjoy getting reactions from what I do because it tells me whether I am perceived as dominant or not.

Suffering: This is not desirable to me and would not be part of pain play I would want to engage in unless it was role play by a masochist who actually enjoyed it or would be into it for motives like challenge or devotion, but not motives like atonement or service. I would really need to be doubly assured that their motive was one of some other gain for them, rather than something they were doing for me.

In the video, there is a distinction drawn between sadism and topping for pain play, which I found interesting, and I think that the latter is maybe closer to the mark for me. In the same way that I don't derive pleasure directly from experiencing pain, I also don't derive pleasure directly from inflicting it.

So, having done a fairly thorough exploration of sadism archetypes, I've discovered that my primary motive is domination, with reaction directly feeding into that, and my secondary motive is discipline.

I want to dig deeper into my sadistic side, but since I'm a solo switch and everything I do to myself is experienced by myself as well, I can't entirely divorce my sadism from my masochism. I do think there are different psychological motivations at play with each of them and while they aren't necessarily symmetrical, I would say they are very compatible, even symbiotic in nature.

In this post, I'm going to start with my masochistic side because I think that side feels less difficult for me to accept and work with and it will help me build up to the challenge of digging into my sadistic side. After looking at both of them, I then want to bring the two together and see how they work with each other within me, and what that suggests about how I can take things forward as a sadomasochist.

I will just add now that out of all the BDSM pairings, sadomasochism is not my top one. Bondage would be my top one and I find that very straightforward - I enjoy it and I have no hang-ups about it. Discipline, domination and sadism all interact with each other to an extent, with discipline being the easier of the three for me to get a handle on. I feel that my domination style (which I'll get to in a later post) is actually the most difficult of the three because it draws upon discipline and sadism in addition to whatever domination looks like intrinsically to me and because my feelings about sadism are complex, domination entails that complexity plus everything else in the mix. Submission and masochism are probably the middle of the bunch for me, because my feelings on those are not entirely without their complexities but they do feel quite a bit clearer and with significantly less baggage.

So, lots to unpick! But first: Masochism.

One of my earliest memories of doing something that involved pleasure and pain at the same time was climbing ropes as a teenager. The pressure of the rope between my legs made me kind of want to pee, but also gave me these other pleasant feelings down there that I wasn't sure about, and then there was the abrasion against my thighs. Let's just say I was very fond of climbing ropes and the abrasion against my thighs and the slight sting in my clit were simply part of a pleasurable package overall. Even now, when I masturbate with a vibrator, I always want a lot of pressure on just the right spot and don't like feather-light touch unless I'm edging.

Beyond certain low levels of pain that come together with pleasure, I don't actually have that much of a draw to pain though, so those I willingly engage in are very specific and my limits are not that high. And in this case, I am talking more about physical pain, rather than mental or emotional pain, which I will consider separately.

I've been finding Evie Lupine's videos extremely helpful in guiding me through all my explorations in Kinktober and I find them reassuring when processing what I'm learning so things don't throw me for a loop quite so much.

There were two videos in particular I wanted to use to help dig into all of this more, and those were about sadist and masochist archetypes. (And the caveat there is that they are just guides, not rigid pigeon-holes you have to force yourself to fit, nor are they an exclusive list.) Watching these videos, I found that there were certain ones that really resonated and once I heard those, they helped me start to make sense of things a bit more. So, here goes:

Masochist Archetypes

1. Thrill - one who loves the endorphins, the rush of doing a scene involving masochism (physical or emotional, e.g. fear, surprise etc.)
   
2. Devotion / Service - one whose focus is on getting to use pain as a way of facilitating power exchange, of showing devotion to a partner; the enjoyment of the pain is not for itself, but what it allows you to give in a relationship, e.g. suffering is a way to show my commitment.
3. Challenge - one who enjoys getting to go through the ordeal so they can prove something to themself, regardless whether they enjoy the pain, e.g. I treat BDSM as an endurance sport; I enjoy the marks from a scene as a reminder of what I can overcome.
4. Atonement - one who feels that being made to suffer is a way to be purified and forgiven, to get to a place where everything is wiped clean.
5. Role Play - one who enjoys pain as a tool to make a role feel more real and having a backstory, e.g. damsel in distress, naughty schoolgirl.
6. Pleasure - the stereotypical masochist, who transmutes pain into pleasure - less common in real life.
7. Release / Catharsis - one who feels that pain for emotional release or catharsis, e.g. crying a lot to let feelings out, feeling lighter and less emotionally burdened.

Thrill: I don't experience this very much. I think I get a general endorphin rush about doing a scene, but not necessarily one that focuses on masochism in particular. That doesn't preclude a thrill if a scene is masochism-focused, but it just isn't going to be high on my list of motives.

Devotion / Service: This one is one of the major ones for me, especially couched as devotion rather than service. For me, service suggests duty, while devotion suggests love. If I do something for someone else, it's typically motivated from a place of my caring about them and choosing to do something in that moment to demonstrate that. It's one of the reasons I'm less good at simply doing as I'm told out of a sense of duty. I can be obedient and follow rules to a large extent, but in personal relationships (as opposed to professional obligations), service and duty are not what motivate me psychologically. I need to feel that I had a choice to do something for someone I care about and then chose to do as asked or anticipated being asked and surprised with them my consideration of them. Praise kink can follow from this as well, where I am valued for having understood what they needed and considered it without necessarily needing to be told. Everything lies in the feeling of choice and love though, not duty and sacrifice. Very, very different mindsets for me and changes everything.

If I really love someone, I'm going to want them to feel that they aren't judged for who they are, that they can come to me and be open and vulnerable and that I will do my damnedest to help them with something they're stuck on where I feel able to give freely to that. It isn't indiscriminate. I can't, in the long term, do something for someone else that I really don't like doing as some kind of sacrifice or out of a sense of duty. I will provide emotional support for everything, but when it comes to the activites that I'm willing to do, those aren't unlimited. I would communicate that though and try to find ways to help that are within my skills and emotional capacity to handle. Doing something I hate for prolonged periods goes from voluntary acts of love to expected acts of duty to resentment. Not a good place to end up.

Challenge: This is another one of the major ones for me. I'm not super-competitive when it comes to other people, only a tiny bit for fun stuff, but not for anything more serious. I march to the beat of my own drum and I'm interested in my own self-development, so I like to always be learning and growing and pushing myself. That's what all of this is about, to be honest. I'm not trying to keep up with anyone else, but I do really enjoy feeling like I've endured something, pushed myself and overcome a personal challenge.

I also really love marks. In particular, I believe I have a mild scarification fetish, which I hasten to add I would not enact in reality. I have absolutely no desire or intention to do this to anyone else or to myself, because of the ethical issues and dangers of injury and infection. That being said, whenever I do get small scars from the various mishaps that occur in life by accident (genuinely, not accidentally on purpose), I always feel happy about them because I see them as part of my tapestry.

In terms of fantasy, however, that particular desire is basically rooted in a kind of extreme display of loyalty and devotion, where the person who has that inflicted upon them or chooses to inflict themselves in that way is doing so to basically say there is nothing that the other person can do that would make them betray their loyalty and trust in them, and that provides the basis for reciprocal trust and a feeling of security. Obviously, in reality that's extreme and ethically problematic, hence not actually wanting to enact it, but the psychological basis is all about loyalty, trust and devotion (see above).

Atonement: This one isn't one I relate to really. If I've done something wrong, I want to learn and I want to make amends, but I don't want to self-flagellate, literally. I can see how this works and I'm not knocking this as a type, but it's not me.

Role Play: This one is lower down the list for me and probably more on a superficial level. Yes, pain as part of a role play may add some realism, but I don't feel that's a significant motivator for me.

Pleasure: Definitely not me. There are experiences, like with the rope, that are both pleasurable and mildly painful or uncomfortable that I may enjoy as a package deal, but they're probably limited examples. I don't find pain pleasurable in and of itself and don't really seek it out unless I'm aroused already and it's within my fairly low limits.

Release / Catharsis: This one's probably in the middle for me. I do think there's more of this when it comes to pushing my challenge-focused masochism to the point where I feel close to cracking. I don't mean approaching my limits in terms of consent, but approaching the end of my endurance and I just want to cry or brat or collapse in a heap, or all three. This was what was going on with my first session. It was a tough, rewarding four hours but I had muscle fatigue by the end and I really wanted to come, which was being denied and I acted out until I got that emotional release and reached a feeling of lightness, like I was floating. Once I reached that, I stopped caring about the orgasm I was being denied, which was kind of interesting in itself.

So, there we go. Devotion, challenge and release are my major motivations as a masochist. None of these surprise me, but equally, I would never have really figured them out by myself either, so I think this was a really helpful exercise, and I'm particularly interested to see how they tie in with the sadist archetypes I fit, which is next on my list.

I spent all of last week spicing up my more disciplinarian approach with a little sadism, and then this week has been about digging more exclusively into sadism, without relying on punishment as an "excuse" for doing so, which I think serves as a kind of moral buffer by which any guilt about inflicting pain can be mitigated somewhat. It's a lot harder to feel OK about simply wanting to be sadistic for any reason that doesn't "justify" its use. It doesn't help that if you search for sadism within a BDSM context online, half the results are about BDSM but the other half are about abuse and mental disorders.

Now, I'm secure enough in my own ethical beliefs and behaviours and in my own mental health that I don't feel there is any cause for concern there, but that's a rational viewpoint, not an emotive one. Emotionally and psychologically, those societal views and my own cultural upbringing create a cognitive dissonance where I feel bad for having these desires and for enacting them on a consenting person (myself), but I also know that there is no breach of ethics in doing so, nor does it imply a psychological disorder. I believe fundamentally that everyone has the capacity for good and bad, that evolving as predators, it stands to reason that part of our blueprint is going to involve darker impulses that would be amoral if we were judging other animals for having them, but immoral as human beings. Most of the time, what goes on in our lizard brains and in our amygdala (where emotions are centred), can be mapped fairly well to some kind of moral framework.

But there are many examples of things we do that involve varying degrees of discomfort depending on how our instincts and emotions tie in with our morality. I couldn't be a surgeon, because I'm far too squeamish and the idea of doing something that might hurt the other person makes me run a mile, even when I know that my action is actually healing them or preventing harm. I couldn't be a drill sergeant ordering recruits to really push themselves doing arduous physical training, because I would feel like I was forcing them to do things against their will and I value independence and free agency, even though they've volunteered to be given orders and put themselves to the challenge so I'm not forcing anything.

I am naturally dominant when it comes to driving myself to do more, to grow, to learn and so on. And I can lead others to an extent, but I am new to it and feel that while I can be quietly assertive and negotiate with others through discussion, the ability to be more authoritative or commanding (within appropriate limits, not being a bully or an asshole) is outside my comfort zone.

I think I have now hit a point in exploring sadism where I have to, ironically, embrace my inner masochist and willingly put myself through some really difficult introspection. I feel that before continuing to enact sadistic behaviours with my sub side, I need to pause and sort out how I feel. Also, when I experienced sub drop, it was easier to simply have my dom side take care of that. This time, with dom drop, it doesn't feel like my sub side has a clear role of what to do with that. So far, being a brat to challenge the idea that there is actually any force going on at all helped to lift me a bit, but I think there's no shortcut here. I need to dig deeper.

First of all, I'm going to thank my sub for helping me with dom drop in the small hours last night when I started to feel bad. She made me laugh at myself for a moment and lighten that load on me, which was appreciated. That being said, I'm still going to give her a hard time later, not because she necessarily deserves it, but because I want to do so and she would like me to get back on the horse.

So, this is me getting back on the horse and mastering myself before I go back to mastering her.

I'm breaking with convention here because if it weren't already confusing enough that I'm a solo switch adopting a dual (or trial, even) perspective on all things kinky in me, I feel the need to flip the switch temporarily to deal with dom drop by having my Sub essentially service top as aftercare, and one of the best ways to shake up the domination/reaction focus... is to brat!

Dear sir,

You might think you're in charge being my dom, but you give yourself too much credit. I submit because I want to submit. I allow you to take charge. You think I can't turn the tables on you whenever I want? You're me and I'm you, remember? And I can be every bit the sadist you are if it gets your head out of your ass.

Those boots of yours? I love them, you know that, and I love how powerful they make you feel, but just think how much power you really have over me when I decide to cover them with glitter! Or maybe draw some cute little hearts on them 💕 I think I'd be doing you a service really - nothing says Dom quite like being supremely confident even when you feel daft. And you're being daft right now.

You aren't some kind of evil megalomaniac bent on misery and destruction, wanting to commit acts of violence. You're just someone who wants to feel like you have some measure of control in a world that can be chaotic and weird and scary. You need to feel safe and secure and like you can handle anything that messes with that. You need to know that you have the ability, the authority to command, to have your will realised by another person. It's heady stuff, I get it.

But no-one really ever truly controls another. You exert your will and the other chooses whether they will tolerate the consequences or not. No consequences of my disobedience are anything serious or damaging or long-lasting, so in the grand scheme of things, what is there to feel bad about? If I let you make me do whatever you want, I have as much control as you in this. Like right now. You like a brat, I know it so you know it too. What's the point of dominating if someone doesn't test that from time to time? You want to be dominant, push back against me. That's what I'm here for.

I want you to be able to feel comfortable in your dominance, to feel able to exert authority.

So I'm going to help you out with that.

Unless you want me to turn those beautiful boots of yours into something worn by a 70's glam rock band, get your head out of your ass, stop being a little bitch and get your Sub back in line! OK? SIR? 🙄

...Yep, that ought to do it 🤣 Probably going to regret that tomorrow!

I've spent the last three days or so leaning much more into my sadistic side as Dom and now I'm experiencing dom drop for the first time.

Unfortunately, while this is perhaps less intense, I feel like dealing with sub drop was easier to navigate because it was effectively up to me as overseer or to my Dom side to take control of aftercare and reassure my sub side that all was OK.

Trying to reassure my Dom side, and specifically the sadist rather than the disciplinarian is more challenging.

I'm currently watching a couple of videos by Evie Lupine as a start, but I really need to think about dom drop aftercare and how I can approach that differently to sub drop. This time it's more about reconciling the desire to inflict pain (even find writing that uncomfortable now) with being a good person. And rationally I get it, but emotionally it's just kind of sitting uncomfortably. 

I should probably allow also for the fact that it's made me feel very vulnerable just openly admitting and discussing sadism when that's been something tucked away in the recesses of my psyche for a long time.

Even writing this is difficult. But necessary to keep a track of all the ups and downs.

Note I'm not writing this from Dom side either and I think I need to do that next (after sleep).

-----

Watching the video on sadist archetypes, I'm not a service sadist, so it's hard to ennoble my desires by justifying it as doing it because my masochist sub likes it. Even to say it's discipline-focused doesn't tally. Yes, I tend to incorporate it into discipline (see week 2 of Kinktober) but I think that's because punishment is a more palatable excuse to be a sadist.

Roleplay-focused also doesn't fit, as it wasn't something that made sense for a role I was playing. I wasn't playing angry schoolma'am or villainous captor where being a sadist fits those roles.

Domination-focused is definitely one that hits the mark for me, because it's much more about knowing I have the power and control to make another person submit to pain, but it isn't really indicative of a desire for their suffering (which is a separate motivation).

Since she's talking about labels now, I will add that I agree they shouldn't be seen as restrictive. More than one may apply here, but they can help navigate the territory when it's not familiar.

Back to the list, I'm not action-focused. I don't feel motivated by the act of inflicting pain, probably because I'm also not suffering-focused (skipping ahead). I don't get off on knowing that the other person is suffering. That fact is kind of separate for me. It's probably the unfortunate by-product that I have to contend with after, not something I actively desire. If it were, I would find that very uncomfortable.

So that leaves reaction-focused, and that's where I feel it resonates second most, with domination-focused as top. Things like watching someone struggle in bondage, the moans/screams, facial expressions when submitting to someone more powerful, they motivate me a lot.

I think domination-focused is my primary motive with reaction-focused as secondary, being kind of evidence of having domination. Then service-focused would be tertiary, because I do really want to feel that any suffering isn't for my pleasure but is either for theirs as a masochist or is necessary to serve the needs of discipline or role play. Service focus is effectively what helps mitigate my primary and secondary motives and separates me from action and suffering focused sadism, which is more about enjoying inflicting the pain and enjoying the other's suffering.

The question is: Do I have any of those going on? Or am I distancing myself from those because they sit less easy on my conscience?

Something for my Dom side to reflect on and answer.

Loving the new additions to my collection! ❤️

Two weeks ago, I had:

• stockings
• a blindfold/tubular scarf
• a hood
• leg spreaders
• vibrator
• two gags - one inflatable, one pipe
• a nearly empty box of black latex gloves
• and a brand new roll of Duck tape

Now I can add:

• wet look crotchless knickers
• wet look jumpsuit zip from front to back
• butt plug
• dildo
• nipple clamps
• posture collar
• leather padded handcuffs
• lube
• two boxes of black latex gloves on their way

I'm going to add the following to my kink shopping list:

• nipple and labia clamps
• strap-on
• more boots!
• shoe polish set (for bootblacking)
• leather chaps
• leather gloves (unlined)
• more Duck tape
• latex hood
• lead (for collar)
• "The Monster" (This is an absolutely huge dildo that excites me and terrifies me in equal measure and I want to get more for humiliation and intimidation than use. I would need to train a lot to be able to take it, assuming that's even possible 😟)

Now, I just need to think about clothing more specifically as boots and gloves were already a given 🤔

Much of the last two weeks has been focused more on the discipline part of BDSM, but there was a little foray into the sadism part last week, which I want to continue with. I think what struck me was something I came across in one of Evie Lupine's videos, that sadism can end up being expressed more through punishment because it feels like that that's necessary to justify it. For example, a sub's disobedience is making the Dom spank them or justifying it, and then if the Dom enjoys that, it's incidental and not the primary motivation. But there could instead simply be an admission that spanking gives the Dom pleasure and that's the reason.

I feel that a lot of my punishments were ineffective because I was basically enjoying them as both a sadist and a masochist, so I had to rethink how I structured discipline. What I've realised is that if I am sadomasochistic, then it would be worth exploring that in and of itself, rather than connected with discipline.

So, that's the project for my third week of Kinktober. I've adjusted things based on lessons learnt so far and now I'm going to explore S&M specifically.

What I have realised recently is that my kinks are about 95% aligned as dominant and submissive, which is to say that whatever I like to inflict, I also like to receive with few exceptions. These exceptions are more to do with what I feel able to tolerate in reality, but are desirable in fantasy. So, for example, I like the idea of rough sex as both the top and bottom, but in reality, I have lower tolerance than I imagine as bottom, and have never been in a position to peg someone and do so roughly.

The good thing about my kinks being aligned is that it makes it a lot easier for solo play to try everything I want to, or almost everything. (Safety being the primary consideration.)

I'm using the Obedience app still and have now put rewards and desirable "punishments" all in the rewards section, and in the punishments section, I've put primarily sadistic acts that I would get masochistic enjoyment from but can't say that I desire them exactly.

It's difficult to describe. I enjoy being bound and gagged for any reason any time that's appropriate. It doesn't make me feel degraded or uncomfortable. I just enjoy it for itself. Don't ask me why.

Having to kneel on an uncomfortable surface for a while or having my labia clamped and the chain tugged on are not things I am rushing to volunteer to do, but the thought of doing them to give pleasure to a sadist does make those things desirable. It makes my sub side happy to know that my Dom side is deriving pleasure from inflicting the discomfort or pain on me; and my sub side gets a thrill from being able to demonstrate endurance and give my Dom side the pleasure he is seeking. These acts also work as punishments rather than just acts of sadism, because they aren't inherently desirable for me and I won't go seeking them as a way to be a brat.

As far as the everyday setup goes, I have tasks and daily/weekly habits to complete for which I get rewarded if I complete them and punished if I don't, but in addition to this more discipline-orientated system, my Dom side will now simply decide to allocate a punishment whenever desired because it pleases him to inflict pain. There are different ones for different types of sadism - some physical, like labia clamping or kneeling on an uncomfortable surface; others degrading, like watersports; and others more emotional, like taking away half the points I've earned or writing for prolonged periods.

I'm going to experiment with others, but some that I've discovered I really love, which followed from the organic development of a daily ritual, are boot worship, face trampling and hair pulling. It's a good thing my Obedience app setup is curbing my spending because I'm going to need that in place to prevent me from buying so many pairs of boots! :)