I’m slowing down my school schedule and I’m almost ecstatic about it.
For months, I clung to school and an eventual degree as my lifeline to get through each day. I was almost completely unaware of how lost I felt. I thought I was good now! I have direction and purpose! But the symptoms were growing with each month. I gained weight from eating takeout almost every day. I didn’t work because the thought of working made me want to crumble. I latched to every income source I could (and as a result, I have a long list of people to repay) because I was back in the get-through-the-day mentality that I haven’t been in, in years. I think I was too scared to admit that I was struggling, and that the depression I thought I had under control was actually in charge.
While I have a relatively large mountain to climb, both physically and financially, I’ve never felt more connected to my body and the potential that waits outside. It feels a little crazy to credit my entire turnaround to bdsm but it’s hard to describe how closed off I was sexually, even for myself. Granted, my birth control might have had an effect on that, so weening off of it this year has shown me what arousal truly feels like. If I had known that effect, I probably wouldn’t have been on it as long! That, combined with a lifetime of near-asexuality had me under the false notion that sex wasn’t an important part of my life. Well…
As I told my friend: “The trajectory is nothing but up!”
