The Lord's Realm

Some helpful tips for new Dominants... Part 4

 16. Try to figure out what type of Dominant you want to be and work towards that... 

As mentioned previously, there are many types of Dominants. What type you will be will be up to you and only you. You may already know, or it may take you a while to figure it out. But when you find a style that fits, run with it. Endeavor to be the best you can be at your chosen style by learning as much as you can about that particular style, infusing your own mojo along with it. And don’t be afraid to switch gears when you feel like its not working for you. After all, this is your journey and your path. You are the one who is ultimately responsible for it.

 17. Switches are not confused... 

This is an old adage. Switches are no more confused than bisexuals are. If you can accept the notion of a bisexual person, someone who enjoys playing both sides of the field, you can accept the notion of a switch. You may not understand, you may not get it, or you may not be comfortable with the notion of a switch. But honestly, who cares? If you’re not going to be a switch yourself, then it should not bother you. But whether you understand them or not, switches are a part of our community. And their role should be respected just as much as you want yours respected.

Just remember the golden rule, do unto others as you would want them to do unto you.

And the golden rule in the BDSM world.

Your kink may not be my kink, but it's still okay

 18. Never trust a big butt and a smile (or tits or cock)... 

Since the dawn of civilization, a pretty or handsome face has been the downfall of many people. Don’t be one of them. Sure it’s easy to find someone so physically attractive that's all you see. But remember, people are more than their physical appearance. Just because you like big tits it does not mean that singular physical attribute should be the primary motivating factor determining If you want a relationship with someone or not. Because remember eventually. Whatever physical attribute you currently are so completely enamored with will just fade away.. then what are you left with? Hopefully something. But speaking from experience, it is a far better practice to find someone that you enjoy talking to and spending quality time with. Somebody who doesn't get on your nerves and is on the same level as you are intellectually. Those sort of things are what make a relationship stand the test of time. But once you have those things and are with the person in a relationship, it is absolutely a happy bonus if they actually do have the big tits or cock of your dreams.

 19. Not everyone has to submit to you... 

You are not everyone’s Dominant. Not everyone has to call you Sir or Ma’am or bow down and kiss your ring (or boots). That type of deference comes with experience and proving yourself. You only deserve it, if you have first properly earned it. Just because you see yourself as a Dominant, doesn’t mean everyone else will, or even should. Treat submissives in a manner that shows you have respect and consideration. Don’t allow yourself to get Domlier-than-thou and think you can run rough shod over anyone else. Others have a choice and they have the right to exercise that choice.

You cannot make a decision for someone else that you are not in a relationship with.

And you can only make a decision for someone else that you are in a relationship with, if they allow you that privilege.

Remember submission is a gift. And in my opinion, it is the single greatest gift one human being can bestow upon another. If that is always in the forefront of your mind and you treat it as such, that will single-handedly eliminate a vast majority of the potential issues that can arise from your sub. 

 20. Never stop learning

No matter how much you learn, or how many people you talk to or how many classes or demos you attend, you will never stop being able to learn something else. There are many nuances and subtleties to this lifestyle that will take a lifetime to master and incorporate properly. Everything cannot be learned in a few months or years. Always be open to learning something new, & from someone new.

Always be open to the fact that someone can teach you something new. The more you learn, the better you will be. Even if you have been involved for 30 years, there will still be something for you to learn and grow from.

I truly cannot stress this one enough, I've been involved in this lifestyle for quite a while, basically my entire adult life, and yet I still make it a point to learn something new everyday.

Any Dom, who thinks he knows everything, can no longer be taught anything new, and therefore will become obsolete as time passes.

If you're not continually learning and moving forward, you're simply falling behind. 

Some helpful tips for new Dominants... Part 3

11. Don’t measure yourself against others... 
You have to develop your own style. You have to figure out what makes you tick and why. Don’t do things just because someone else is doing them or it seems cool. Or even because the hot little potential sub is really begging for it. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. People are best at what truly inspires them. Not because of what is cool and hip at the moment. While, like high school, there is peer pressure in the BDSM scene/lifestyle, you have the choice as to whether or not you cave in to it, or will you blaze your own path.

12. Keep an open mind... 
There are probably lots of things that as a new person you do not like. But the likelihood that in 2 or 3 or 10 years you will totally be into some of those things is quite high. But only if you keep an open mind, and continue to learn about new things. So be sure to try out and learn about different things constantly. You never know what turns you off today will totally rock your socks tomorrow. So keep an open eye and an open mind. It will work to your benefit in the long run.

13. Be sure to always question yourself.. 
A Dominant who doesn’t question themselves isn’t much of a Dominant. One of the tricks to being a good Dominant (if you are interested in such a thing) is going back to look at and re-examining your actions as a Dominant. Figure out what you did and why you did it. The answers will not always come easy and they may not always be pleasant. But self-awareness and introspection are two crucial tools in a Dominants play box. Use them well and use them often. And you will find that the more often you question yourself, the less often that anybody else might want to.

14. You can’t learn everything on the internet... 
The Internet will NOT teach you how to be a good Dominant. It will barely teach you how to be a good Top. The Internet is filled with tons of really good information. However it’s filled with a bunch of stupid shit too. Unfortunately, it is nearly impossible for someone that is new and inexperienced to sort out the differences.You cannot teach yourself everything. This is a common misconception. Because it's actually common sense when you think about it. How can you teach yourself something you don’t know?  Again, the answer is you can't, but what you can do is seek out others who are experienced. And if you are so inclined, find a mentor. If you don’t want to find a mentor, establish your own “tribe” (i.e., group of friends). Use them as a sounding board and an advice corner. Get information from as many different people as you can, then make it your own. Do not rely on sites like FetLife for your information. There is a lot more to this stuff than will ever appear on Fet.

15. Be honest about your experience... 
If you’ve been involved in BDSM for 10 years, but 9 of those years have been online, be honest about that. Don’t lie about parties, clubs, dungeons, or events. Be honest about your experience, or lack thereof. You will gain more respect from others that way and it will also accelerate your ability to learn. It will also potentially draw the more experienced to you if you don’t pretend that you know everything already. One thing about the lifestyle is usually, a honest and experienced person, Dom or sub, can smell bullshit a mile away. And they will want nothing to do with anything that smells that bad. 

Some helpful tips for new Dominants... Part 2

6. Real Dominants can eat pussy. Real Dominants can suck cock... 

The notion that Dominants don’t or shouldn’t perform oral sex is one of the most ridiculous rumors that has ever been started. As if the mere act of putting your mouth on someone’s genitals denotes submission or a lack of Dominance? Dominants can take it up the ass too, if that is what they're in to. It doesn’t matter what you do, or what you enjoy, as long as you're true to yourself. Sexual acts do not define a Dominant. The mind does.

 7. Not all women are submissive. Not all men are Dominant... 

If you believe that, I’d like to introduce you to a few people who will bear personal testimony to the contrary. Do not default to the notion that scene orientation, or lifestyle choices,  are defined by gender. Or that their career choice defines their play style preference. It does not. And your time in this lifestyle, especially if you interact with the public scene, will be a lot easier, and a whole lot less embarrassing, if you accept and incorporate those facts into your psyche now. Never predetermined what somebody's sexual preferences are for them. As you will almost always be wrong.

When in doubt, ask. Or just wait for them to tell you. Just never assume. 

 8. Honor everyone’s relationship dynamic.. 

Many people have many different dynamics and protocols in this lifestyle. When in doubt, revert to tip #3. But also, once you have been made aware of them, do not dismiss them simply because you think they are silly. In reality, they may be in your opinion. But if you are going to be or want to interact with individuals who have a certain dynamic/protocol, there are only two options. Either honor it, and they're by showing them respect, to gain the ability to associate with them or if you don't want to, or can't, do that just don’t deal with them at all. Since that is what they have decided for themselves, your opinion will have little or no impact, other than showing them that you have no respect for them. So complaining or whining about it will do nothing positive for sure, and more likely something negative will come of it.

And who knows, one day you may develop dynamics or protocols that others may find strange. Think how you would want to be treated in that situation and then behave accordingly.

It’s funny how there are those who will ask for permission to touch someone’s toys.

But then that same person can somehow think that it's okay for them to treat someone’s partner however they want.

Doesn't something about that seem a little bit weird to you? 

 9. Not all slaves are submissives. Some Dominants do bottom.. 

There may come the time when you run into a really, REALLY sadistic person. Every now and then, you will find out that said person may actually be a slave. There are some slaves who put the most sadistic Dominants to shame. Trust me on this one. But don’t judge.

You also may see or read an account of a Dominant who is a masochist and really likes getting flogged or caned. Don’t be surprised. And don’t judge.

You may discover that you may enjoy the feel of a flogger or a cane. If that is what you like, go for it. It will NOT diminish you, except in the eyes of the petty people. And they don't matter. 

For some people, things can be more fluid then we are lead to believe. A Dominant can get the crap beat out of them and still remain a Dominant. It’s not always the play that matters. It’s the mindset. There are times when some things are just physical. It’s the way the scene works for them at that time.

 10. Dominant =/= Sadist

Not every Dominant is a Sadist. Not every Dominant enjoys causing a great deal of pain. Not every Dominant wants people in a pile of subbie goo due to pain infliction

Some helpful tips for new Dominants... Part 1

 1. You will fuck up... 

New Dominants WILL make mistakes. It’s a fact of life. To be fair, experienced Dominants will make mistakes. Intermediate Dominants will make mistakes. If you are a Dominant or think you want to be a Dominant, you will make a mistake. At least one for sure. But probably a whole lot more than one. 

Accept it and move on.

The only thing that makes a mistake worse is not learning from them. Use them as opportunities to grow and learn. Talk to people about them. Figure out what went wrong then incorporate that and try not to do it again.

If you act like everything you do is perfect and without flaw, then you are an idiot and whoever plays or submits to you will also be an idiot. Because none of us are perfect. But what we can do is try to learn from the mistake and improve our skills, on an ongoing basis for the rest of our lives. 

 2. Beating someone does not make you a Dominant... 

Any idiot can figure out how to use a flogger, cane, crop, do rope, punch, kick, etc. The list goes on. Simply because you have become adept at kicking someone’s a$$ is not the mark of a Dominant. It just means you have the potential to be abusive. At best, it makes you a Top. For the record, there is nothing wrong with being a Top. But not every Top is a Dominant. For many people, they are completely different terms.

There is much more to being a Dominant than simply engaging in impact play. And please do not confuse what happens in a scene as your goal for an overall daily relationship role. That would be like thinking the sex scenes that pornstars do on film are an accurate reflection of regular vanilla sex. 

 3. Ask questions... 

Ask as many questions as you can, of whom ever you can, about just about anything you can. For every pompous jackass out there who thinks they are too good to help out a new person, there are several more who are more than willing to assist new Dominants. You can learn something from almost everyone, even if it is what not to do or what you don’t want to do. The more questions you ask of individuals the more informed you will become. And don’t limit yourself to just Dominants. There are submissives and slaves out there with a wealth of experience and knowledge who you can draw from as well. Their knowledge is just as valid as a Dominants is for you. In fact, they tend to be much more willing to share and give you the time and attention necessary for you to fully understand and digest the knowledge given you. And then of course to also answer your follow-up questions that are sure to come up. Also, they have the unique perspective of not only completely understanding the submissive end of it, but also being able to explain the Dominant end of it as it pertains to them. 

 4. Be realistic about who and what you are... 

If you give yourself a title such as Sir or Master or Mistress and you have only been in the scene a few months, prepare to be mocked and laughed at. Seriously. It’s not cool. Now, of course, you are free to refer to yourself in any way you see fit. Likewise, people are free to respond in a way that THEY see fit. If you are 26, 36 or 56 years old and have only been involved for 3 months, perhaps calling yourself Master Tony isn’t the best idea. And expecting people to refer to you as such probably isn’t going to fly.

Understand that there are people who go years before attaching a monicker to themselves. Or better yet, before the community gives them that title. Because that is the definition of earned. Respect that. Don’t make a mockery of their time and energy simply because you thought it would be cool to add Master or Mistress to your name. Especially if you aren’t one yet (emphasis on yet — because who knows, it very well could happen). And will, if you are willing to devote the time and energy necessary to achieve it

 5. Just because you saw someone do it, doesn’t mean you can, or should even try to... 

So you went to a private play party or went to a demo and saw someone do something really cool and interesting. The person doing it made it look so easy that you are sure, with your vast intelligence, that you can do it as well, right?

Wrong!

The reason they made it look easy is most likely because they’ve been doing it for quite a while. They’ve had a bunch of practice and have studied it. Maybe had a mentor show them how to do it. The value of hands-on experience cannot be overstated. But who knows where they originally gained the knowledge?

But I think it's safe to say, they didn’t just decide to grab a needle and thread and sew somebody's pussy shut, without doing some sort of incredibly thorough research and looking into all of the things that go into that activity long before ever actually trying it. 

So when you see something happen that you want to try, first observe as closely as possible without overly encroaching on the participants. And then when appropriate, refer to item #3.

Ask the person questions, provided their scene is over or maybe at the conclusion of the demo. If they are giving a demonstration, then they are there to answer questions, so ask them and make sure you figure out how to do that cool thing before you try it for real. 

When you get better at relationships, your entire life becomes more connected. When you get better at managing your money, your entire life becomes more stable. When you get better at managing your reactions, things last.

They last because you know how to take care of them. Because you first learned to take care of you. You are the most constant relationship in your own life, and the most constant presence in your own life. You are the most common denominator in every experience you ever had, and will ever have.

Invest in yourself and the ripple effects are often greater than you can imagine. Remember, you get to decide who you want to be. What you are going to value, what is going to matter. You get to choose, and cultivate the kind of person you're going to become, because an amazing life rarely happens by accident. You are your own vessel, and the way you build it changes the way you experience everything- every last thing that will ever come your way.

You are the key element of every single thing you will ever see and feel and know, and that is why it matters. The variable is not whether or not the future will arrive, it will. The choice is what version of you shows up to meet it.

Because You walk through a room with a commanding presence, confident in your superiority, you can leave a perfect handprint on a sub’s rump, and you have a killer suit with great cuff links...

Tell me about your ethics.

Tell me how you calm a sub who is in the midst of a panic attack at work.

Regale me with a passed experience where you made the choice to be selfless for the care of another.

Better yet, tell me about a time you failed and how you grew from it to never make the mistake again.

Being a Dom isn’t just having confidence, a sharp look, and a firm hand.
You are never as Dominant as when you are caring for your submissive.
The tough talk and bluster will only get you far enough to give a sub an experience she will walk away from knowing what she doesn’t want.

You want to be a Dom?

Be a gentleman first and foremost.
Shed the ego, it has no place here.
This is a call to the gentleman Dom’s, the Daddy Dom’s, the Masters, the real Dominants.
Stand up and let’s show the unowned, the newly awakened, and those submissives hurting and ready to give up that they have hope.
That there is still a chivalrous and steadfast order of worthy Dominants ready to care, nurture, protect, and punish from a position of power and passion granted by those with the boundless wells of strength, devotion, and love.