I finally found the one I've been searching for.
I wonder if anyone else has gone through what I have? Have you given up hope? I'm sure you have, at some point. That's where I found myself. After a multitude of failed relationships that were filled with regret, betrayal, and constant let-downs, I had labeled myself unlovable. It's not even that I'm unattractive, I'm decent, I would say, but there was always something that didn't work out. I always expected too much or gave too little. I was too kinky and never satisfied with the vanilla portion of our relationship, as if the d/s play that went on in the bedroom was nothing more than an act, because after it ended, they would get sassy in ways that betrayed the dynamic. I wanted something more permanent, a 24/7 TPE dynamic where we each knew our rolls. I searched and I found that, but again, I was too much of a headache, quite unlovable, and found something to complain about. A person's hygiene; their skin; their eating habits; their inability to deepthroat; their heterosexuality; their unregulated brattiness; their unmotivated attitude; their way of kissing; their constant texting; their personal aspirations... Honestly, I was quite terrible in ways, always judging my partners, always finding a reason not to stay.
Don't get me wrong, I treated them well, but I could never fully commit myself to any one person because all I could focus on was any little fault I found in the smallest of things. I was in the relationship, sure, but I'm sure they could feel that I always had one foot out the door. So by this time one year ago, I truly thought that I was going to live a life of solitude, with a partner here or there, but never fully allowing myself to become a pair. I even gave up on kink. I stopped going on Fet, stopped attending workshops, and didn't care to ask if someone was dominant or submissive leaning. I had given up. It was my own fault, I knew that, but I was perfectly okay with it.
But then I met her.
A.
A, my darling. My princess, my Queen, my little kink dream. She's woken me up from a deep slumber I had secluded into. Now I find myself with an enthusiasm for life again. I find myself picking up my camera, typing on my keyboard, planning for our future, and I simply can't wait to grow old with her. And so, I begin this documentation of our love, and in the process of it, I hope that any reader may find inspiration to keep searching for what is right for them. I was single for 8 years before I found her, constantly being let down, constantly disappointing others. But now that I've found her, it almost feels as if all of it, all of the loneliness, was simply there to prepare me for this one moment when we met.
Keep searching my friends, perhaps what is meant for you will come when you least expect it.