Waiting for another night to remember pt 1

I want him need me as much as I need him. I feel like the doll he locked in the closet until he finally wants me again.  If I was just given a time to look forward to I could stop checking my phone and get my homework done. As the days pass I feel the wait gets longer every night. I'm trying not to lock eyes with the habits in my rear view mirror but not receiving that reassurance has me reaching for more but I must hold myself back.

Currently accepting friendship applications for a female 420 wax friendly :) 

I grew up with my father cooking everything for me. I did eventually learn to cook under him * Insert picture of fried potato kielbasa*. I feel like it's expected of me to have dinner ready upon arrival. But there's this weird power dynamic of my father always coming home to cook to take care of me. He would call 3+ times a day and ask if I had eaten anything yet. This gave me a power dynamic I must be missing. Unpopular opinion " cooking us a blue job, baking is a pink job" If you come home to a full meal from me it will be perfectly planned otherwise you'll come home to those babygirl eyes looking up at you to cook with me and dab me up. It's alot harder to cook since going gluten free. I feel the need for approval of a meal idea before I have the confidence to jump into it. Missing my dabby daddy xoxo

Let's examine my need for attention. I always have this need for attention. It feels like a persistent pull, almost like a nagging feeling that won’t quite go away unless it’s been soothed recently. The days drag on as I feel like I’m the doll waiting in the corner for his attention. The quiet moments feel longer, and I often catch myself checking my phone alot more than I should be, he’s just busy with his life. I know it’s not healthy to rely so much on one person for validation or comfort, but at the same time, that attention feels so important to me. It’s something I crave deeply, and when it’s not immediately there, I find myself struggling to focus on other things. I’ve tried to put more effort into finding a vanilla friend, someone I can hang out with outside of our dynamic, but it’s been tough. Building those connections takes time, and I guess I’m just not feeling very patient these days. I am going to try to funnel this into some knitting today. One of the things I used to love doing was knitting. It used to be a peaceful, creative outlet for me, something that could calm my mind and keep my hands busy. But lately, I haven’t been able to get into it. Instead, I’m always looking for that attention.  It’s like my mind is too preoccupied to enjoy what used to bring me so much peace.

Today, though, I’m going to try something different. I’m going to make a conscious effort to funnel this need for attention into something more productive like knitting. Maybe if I can immerse myself in the rhythm of the stitches, I’ll be able to calm that restless part of me. It won't be easy to quiet the pain in my heart.

As a submissive I encounter neediness after a glimpse of being satisfied by my dominant. The universe has just not aligned for us to call very often. Which leads to the neediness of my babygirl side. I put up the wall of my masochistic side but it really gets to me sometimes when it felt like I waited forever to have a set of remote toys and now I lie in wait.