Ophelia under the Nightshade

We have roses in our garden and I am unsure if I should do a manifestation spell or make a Turkish Delight syrup to drown my sorrows in again. When the first rose appeared a few weeks ago, I ran myself a bath and placed it in the water along with a cup of milk and a spoon of honey. I was having a shitty day and it was the best "pick-me-up". There are enough roses for everything but what do I have the energy to do is my actual dilemma.

The Turkish Delight syrup has such a funny backstory. When I started making the sweet, I was not reading my instructions properly and kept missing the part where it instructed that the syrup must simmer for an hour until it thickened. I was so confused, my syrup was not turning into firm sweets but it still tasted like the best thing ever. I even watched instructional videos and I still missed it. I hope this makes sense but it was a new technique to me that my brain kept rejecting for some reason.

I think I prefer the syrup to any Turkish Delight that I make. When it comes to the actual sweet, authentic Turkish Delight from Turkey is the best. My dream is to visit Turkey for more than a layover, so I can indulge in Turkish Delight and watch cats. Alternatively, one of the things on my bucket list for my next visit to Cape Town is to visit the Turkish store to get authentic Turkish Delights and other treats. I can imagine a picnic with one of my best male friends and watching Cape Town squirrels run around the Company Gardens in the city centre. 

I took a break from social media to focus on my real life, I've been trying to finish a project for my business but it's still not done. I was also spiralling emotionally. I felt like every time I was happy and I felt comfortable in the feeling of happiness, something bad happened. I wish I could share the things that happened these past two months but it's a lot. I learned a lot about myself though and I feel at peace with myself. I feel divinely guided and it sucks sometimes, but it feels good to be protected in ways that I am. I am back to learning to let go.

So there was a domestic violence situation in my home, a relative has been in an abusive relationship for the past 20 years. A part of me is angry because this relationship and these people screwed up my perceptions of the world and relationships. There is some heavy generational trauma involved here and I am trying so hard to understand.

Anyway, my relative's partner got aggressive a few days ago and I had to call the police. She was so nonchalant about it and told us about the threats he made towards her and the weapons that he had in the house. I was livid, especially since she was still reluctant about sending him to jail. He is still not in jail but the police took him to his family home like they usually do and he ended up back in her house two days later. Then he got upset when she didn't want to stay in the house and instead slept at our family home (the houses are next to each other). I feel like she's putting us in danger because every time something happens, I have to push her to make decisions and she never does. I know that I have to be more empathetic, so I let go. I let go of any anxiety around this situation, I let go of what I have no control over. 

This is why I work so hard to unlearn toxic relationship ideas and learn how to be assertive and let go. I don't want this to be my life anymore. There's a quote on TikTok that's been floating around "If you're raised with an angry man in your house, there'll always be an angry man in your house." I don't want an angry man in my house. I never want to be around a perpetually angry man again. I don't want to be the angry one either. I don't ever want to be in a house where I have to fight someone on a daily basis, as I've watched my relative do. I don't want to subject my neighbours or people around me to awkward moments and disturbances.

These past few months, as my relative has been trying to get this man to leave her house, he has been incredibly nice to me. He kept buying juice and chocolates. He bought cheese a while back and said "I made sure I bought cheddar because I know you hate Gouda." I hate Gouda with a passion. But I do not forget that I hate him even more than I hate Gouda. When I told my submissive friend about it she said, "You're not a child". That's true, you can bribe a child but an adult has the reasoning to know when a person needs consequences.

I really want to buy a house of my own soon. I visualise the furniture that I want in it, the colours and imagery that I want on the walls and I write a list of what I want to plant in my garden one day. I most importantly think about the relationships that I want in the house, the friends that I will regularly feed and play board games with, and how to fill the house with chatter, laughter and music. What kind of lovers I will invite into my house, and what kind of life partner will stay with me. How will we merge our lives and how will we resolve conflict? I've been watching clips of "The Cosby Show" and I know it's unrealistic, but I keep thinking about how I want to be as calm but strong and assertive as Clair Huxtable, even when she is angry.

I don't ever want to repeat the chaos of my childhood and my early 20s. Even when I was not around the angry man, he still followed me in my relationships with men who despised me or in spaces where I knew that I was not supposed to be. I know it's unrealistic to not have conflict but it's how the conflict is worked through that matters. Not being around defensive people and not being a defensive person is so important to me. Not being around people who cannot be accountable and who flip the blame. Not being around controlling people. 

Now that I am thirty, I feel so much more comfortable with myself and confident that I am close to being the person that I want to be. Of course, she still has a lot to learn and experience. Learning how to let go and focus on myself has been rewarding, even when it's hard sometimes. I feel hopeful for my own future and breaking generational curses. I am also hopeful that the people around me can make good decisions for themselves, even when I do not agree with the decisions. It's not my business. I need to let go.

I was in another BDSM chatroom the other day and I caught someone telling other users that they would not recommend South Africa because of racism, crime, and murder. I'm not sure if irony is an appropriate word to describe this situation but "Don't go to South Africa because of crime and murder" is often a dog whistle. This is complex because it's not that the crime does not exist, it disproportionately affects people of color in underprivileged areas but it's not fair to only associate the country with crime. It feels like nothing we do is enough, we are still associated with all the bad that occurs.

The sub he was talking to replies " Oh, I haven't heard anything bad about South Africa. . . besides the usual". I chipped in "South Africa is not the "Wild West" that people make it out to be." He starts questioning me on whether I'm South African and he ends up in my private messages. I am pissed off at this point and I am snapping at everyone who replies to me. Then I take a break to force myself to calm down and show him some empathy. He comes from a community (a demographic of South Africans who moved away in the 90s) that has an international reputation for holding on to specific sentiments about the country. There's a whole conversation on social media about this, many tourists claim that they are deterred from visiting the whole country or certain cities but when they visit, they realize that it's not as bad as it's made out to be. I am forcing myself to understand that it is conditioning. 

I still tell him that I think what he is doing is not fair and he apologizes but stands firm that it's his experience. I don't argue against people's experiences. He tells me the region that he is from, I try hard to tell myself that it makes some sense but then he asks me about riots that occurred in 2021 and my heart drops. The country has moved on but it's still heavily on his mind. That region has experienced natural disaster after natural disaster since the riots. Those people have beeen suffering, and he tells me that he is aware yet he is still committed to seeing them as villains. Those are human beings who have gone through unimaginable suffering that they don't deserve, their reputation cannot be limited to riots.

It's a city that I go to when life is overwhelming and I've lived in it during lockdown. When I am there, I am always told that it's dangerous but I walk from my community compound to the nearby mall on my own, I just don't go to unfamiliar places on my own. I have a love/hate relationship with that city. I will tell someone who is from there that it's overwhelming for me but when I am speaking to someone international, I understand that what I say has consequences for the people who live there. The region is majority Zulu people, who are one of the most legendary tribes in Africa, and they co-exist with one of the largest Indian populations outside of India. The city looks like a "little India".

Both groups are resilient people who have held on to their culture and identity despite attempts to eradicate them. They are also resourceful people because what has been lost has been replaced with something. Though our Indian community has retained their architecture, religion, food, social norms, and arts, many have lost their languages but it has been replaced with a dialect of English that I wish got more recognition. Zulu people created gumboot dancing (which started as a way to communicate in the mines), isicathamiya which inspired the music of the Lion King and gave us Ladysmith Black Mambazo (5-time Grammy award winners) and they have innovated subgenres of house/EDM music. 

Since 2021, my country has won the Rugby World Cup and now has the record for the most World Cup wins, cementing ourselves as the best in the sport alongside Aotearoa/New Zealand's All blacks (who made it to second place again). The winning of the World Cup is symbolic, it is a reminder that we will work together as a country and heal from our past, no matter how hard it is. We also won some medals at the Olympics and we dominated other fields that I can't remember because we were winning so much. We have been participating in the International community more, positioning ourselves as neutral peacekeepers. As chaotic as the past 30 years have been, we have made strides in human rights, science, and the arts. It will never be enough for some people though and that is exhausting. 

He told me that he hadn't been to South Africa in 26 years, which would mean that he left 4 years after independence and he hasn't actually lived in the "New South Africa" but he wants to tell me about "experiences". There are so many layers to this that I cannot write about but the more I think about it, I get so emotional. When one has a level of privilege it's hard to see beyond that privilege unless you have experiences that open your eyes. As a lower-middle-class "born-free" black person in a country that's still trying to find its feet post-independence and has a wide inequality gap, even I have had to deconstruct unconscious biases in my values and as I am creating international relationships, I realize that I still have a lot of work to do.

To not recommend a place because of its problems is to say that the people of that place have nothing to offer. It feels dehumanizing, especially coming from someone who has no real connection to the place. He left when he was a teenager and hasn't experienced the building of a nation with all its complexities. I am a human being. I am a human being. I am a human being. So is everyone who looks like me, regardless of class, education level, or gender. We give so much to the world and it's never enough. I find myself being hyper-vigilant of so much and it's so exhausting.

As I am building international connections, I often wonder how a person perceives me. Am I a stereotype? Am I breaking stereotypes? Am I portraying my country in a positive light but with nuance? It's not only about the country but the continent, there are connotations to being an African from Africa. It's also important for me to question whether I am tackling my own unconscious biases about other people. It saddens me when I am chatting to someone and they say "I'm from (insert country that experiences an intense amount of stigma), is that okay?" What do you mean? Why would it not be okay? 

Stereotypes are very sticky and sometimes they are so subtle that we don't realize that we cause harm by holding on to certain beliefs. They seem logical, the issue exists but it's not about denying that the issue exists, what's harmful is how people create narratives around the issue that paint a group of people in a negative light. When the issue is mentioned, there is a quiet part that people just get. It's so important to be aware and constantly interrogate our beliefs.

My whole country is searching for a missing pair of shoes on TikTok. I have never seen my country this united in trying to solve an internal problem. They're usually this united when they are bullying people from other countries. (Yes, I am distancing myself because I am not a bully).

Here is what happened, a woman posted a video of herself questioning her husband on a Gucci receipt she found in his car. This receipt was for a woman's shoe and it cost R18 300 ( around $1000). In South Africa, that's the equivalent of an average salary in a job that requires a degree. He looked like a guilty puppy: an awkward smile, looking down and avoiding eye contact. 

She asked him, "George, where is the shoe? I don't have the shoe". Then she posted a follow-up video of herself searching the boot of his car. 

The whole country is now asking "George, where is the shoe?", even brands like NetflixSA and Nandos are joining in the "interrogation". As a country, we never take anything seriously, especially a good cheating scandal. We even started calling our president "Cupcake", after we found out that that's the pet name his mistress calls him. With the George scandal, influencers are being monitored by the people and some are taking advantage of the situation by posting unboxing videos of Gucci shoes. Content creators are going into full investigations, finding the exact style of the shoes so we know what we are searching for. I've heard jokes about taking a day off work to find the shoes. There are content creators appealing to the "Judas" of the alleged mistress's friend group to release the messages of their group chats. There are official brand billboards and adverts also searching for the shoe.

As much as I am laughing at all of this, I am also having flashbacks of the extraordinary lengths the women around me would discuss going to keep their husbands from cheating. I remember one of my uncles deleting WhatsApp because "It causes problems." This was after I witnessed my step-sister and my mother come together to delete any suspicious contacts on my stepfather's phone. I've also heard women speak about how they would rather do their own housework despite working full-time than have a domestic worker who might steal their husbands. 

I've heard these stories my entire life but they weren't enough to put disdain in me for cis het monogamy. I'm not saying that queer people don't have issues of their own, but as a cis het person, I find cis het relationships to be hell. I was in an abusive relationship in my early 20s and from the first week that we were together, he went through my phone, would pick fights, and made me delete men from my WhatsApp. I refused to let go of my male best friend, I needed to put my foot down somewhere. This man hated my female friends too. I didn't go clubbing or anything like that (not that it matters) but I only saw my friends once in a while for an art event, for a hike or to explore the city and he would throw tantrums afterward. 

My ex was such a hypocrite because he was texting his ex and he had a female best friend. I never hated his female bestie, I adored her and her boyfriend. I understand how much time, effort, and experience goes into cultivating a long-term friendship. When it was his birthday,  I supported her business. When I wanted to do something special for him, I would plan with her. He kept his money with her and she stole his money. I felt a sense of joy, those were the consequences of his actions. I still adored her. We once, unknowingly, dated the same guy way before we officially met and we bonded over that. When the country had raids "searching for illegal immigrants", even though she had her papers, I still checked up on her along with all my foreign friends and boyfriend who was at work that day.

To this day I still have anxiety over a man controlling me to the point of suffocating me. When that relationship ended (because he verbally attacked my FEMALE best friend), I had moved into a high-control spiritual community that was centered around celibacy to the point of separation of the sexes. There wasn't any real separation though, men and women still had to work together to keep the place together. It was just a lot of misogyny in the sermons and decision-making. There was also a lot of fighting amongst us. At some point, I was the scapegoat and got into trouble for having male friends (I was friends with EVERYONE who needed a friend). I was so rebellious though, no one was going to tell me what to do. It was a good decision because when I experienced dark times, both men and women were there for me, and none of the people who judged me.

I never really thought about polygamy until I found out that the West African businessman that I was in a situationship with was married. I don't know why I was determined to become the second wife when he claimed that I could be anything I wanted to him. It was stupid of me because I was "out of sight and out of mind" when he left my country, every single time. When I spoke to my friends about it, they were horrified. "How do you think the wife would feel?" Years later, I realized that it was a good thing that I hated babies enough that I never let this man put one in me and that our relationship never progressed because I found out that he and his wife assaulted his affair partner who was begging for child support.

Polygamous marriages are legal in my country but it is not socially accepted because it is still very patriarchal. According to tradition, the first wife is supposed to consent to the second wife but in many cases, the consent is given reluctantly, through coercion, or under duress. It is not consent if it is not enthusiastic. Also, only men are allowed to have multiple wives under customary law. Our government was considering introducing a law allowing women to have more than one husband but there was a lot of controversy. 

There are women who believe that women who accept a polygamous marriage have no self-respect. I write a lot about how much I hate these blanket statements. I once saw a post on a social media platform that shared these sentiments and there were women in the comment section giving valid reasons why they would like a polygamous marriage. Reasons such as sharing the responsibility of child-rearing, lessening the burden of wifely duties such as cleaning and taking care of the in-laws, and taking turns to please the husband. Another interesting trend is that there are women who prefer to be mistresses because it's a more exciting position and has way fewer responsibilities than being a wife (good for them).

A part of me wants to question why cheating is a thing when ethical polyamory is a possibility but then I remember that it isn't socially acceptable and it's not always actually ethical. On the other hand, I understand the turmoil of a spouse being asked to be polyamorous when they are set on spending their life as monogamous. As a woman, there's so much pressure on you to make sure that your husband is happy, when he wants another partner the first question that must run through her head is "Why am I not enough? Am I not performing my duties well?". It essentially feels like you're being replaced without being replaced. I imagine that it would be the same for a man too.

This is why I am wary of married men, even those in open relationships or separated men. Was the relationship open with enthusiastic consent? Is the open relationship something that is done to spice up the relationship or is it an escape? You can hear the difference in how someone speaks about their spouse, if they are mentioned at all. Are you in a culture or community where women are allowed to have some sexual freedom? Is she also allowed to find a partner? If there is some anxiety, how are you encouraging and comforting her? Are you genuinely okay with her dating other people, especially when you're separated? We've all heard the stories of a spouse asking the other to open their marriage but then they become envious when their spouse gets more attention than them.

Modern polyamory does exist in my country in more progressive corners: with the youth, in art spaces, in Queer spaces, in BDSM spaces, etc. They get spoken about negatively but I think the world would be much better if people were just honest with themselves. It's so much better than the "traditional" way of doing things, where the woman knows her husband is cheating and just allows it because "All men cheat" but she has to be loyal otherwise the consequences for her are harsher, possibly life-threatening. I am also tired of hearing people place themselves into a sickening anxiety over loyalty, whether it is fear that you might get into trouble for speaking to the gender that you are attracted to or being afraid that your spouse is about to replace you or "make a fool out of you". 

I used to think that I was a jealous person but I just wanted transparency and fairness. I was recently in a polycule dynamic and I realized that I'm happy being with one person but I don't mind them being with other people, I just want to know that the other people exist. I don't have the energy to please more than one person. At the same time, I don't believe that one person can fill all of your needs. What if I do want to explore more in the future? Most importantly, I want to be safe enough to not get into trouble for ridiculous reasons. I feel comfortable in my desires now and I've learned how to have better and clearer conversations on polyamory in any relationship.

I wish more people could build relationships based on their preferences instead of what is expected of them by everyone else. I wish more people were comfortable enough to be honest with themselves about their preferences. I also wish more cis het relationships were conducive to change and growth.

One thing that has been haunting me, as a submissive, was when someone tried to use their past hurtful experiences to guilt me for leaving them. The whole situation baffled me because I tried to be as transparent as possible, from the beginning. I was also a very new sub when I first connected with them, I met them on my very first day on the Cage. I was aware that I was not suitable for a long-term dynamic because I didn't know what I was doing and I was still figuring out what I wanted, I knew I would make mistakes. I was clear that I was not looking for anything long-term because I wasn't even planning on staying on this platform for more than a month but when I decided to stay, I was very confused for a while.

I did feel guilty because I felt like I was abrupt with the ending and that maybe I was not communicating properly. I spoke about the situation with friends that I made on this platform and I tried to apologize to the person multiple times. I haven't spoken to them in months but it still weighed heavy on my heart. I didn't mean to hurt someone and that is why I was honest from the beginning. 

I am now feeling pissed off because I realize how manipulative it was. Being faced with a similar situation recently, I realized that would never place the burden of my trauma on another person to influence their actions or guilt them for any reason. I almost did though, I recently almost made my trauma someone else's burden but I immediately came to my senses. We have to admit that forcing someone to do something that they don't want to a recipe for disaster.

In my previous dynamic, I had a disagreement with my Dom about something that was extremely triggering to me. It felt like the feather on the camel's back because I was having a bad week. As I found myself begging for him to validate my emotions in a way that made me feel safe. I realized that it was futile. Communication is something that I emphasized on multiple occasions and I also spoke about past traumatic experiences to help them understand why it was important to me. When I realized that it didn't matter, I had a moment where I asked myself why was I not good enough to be heard and cared for in a way that I deserved. Then I came to a moment of clarity that you cannot force someone to care about you. 

This is such big progress for me because a past version of me would remain in love with potential and would guilt herself into staying while ignoring her own needs (a selfish self-sacrifice). A past version of me would have let resentment build and let it create a lot of hatred in the relationship, which would be more painful for both of us. It doesn't feel good. That I let go and made peace with the situation is probably why I could move on quickly without any intense emotions. Heck, past me would have been damaging her heart further with a real heartache (I get real chest pains when I am heartbroken).

I think there is a difference between leaning on someone for support and being manipulative. I had extensive conversations in my previous dynamic about how clear communication is extremely important to me and I thought I was heard. When I found myself beginning to beg to be heard and seen, I realized that it was not about the situation anymore but something deeper. I realized that if I had the slightest bit of self-respect, I wouldn't force someone to want me.

Those feelings that come from unmet needs, like the feeling of rejection, being unlovable, and being abandoned, are inevitable in situations like this but I have been constantly reminding myself that my self-worth is not dependent on things or people external to me. Those things or people may enhance my life when I do have them and I will grieve when I lose them, however, overstaying where I am not supposed to is not worth it.  

I once said that communication doesn't work when you don't have the same values as the person that you're trying to connect to. My only frame of reference for this was my best friend but I had been yearning to experience the feeling with a Dom. However, I have always been scared of forcing a man to act outside of their conditioned way of communicating. I am extremely sensitive and when I don't have the same communication style as a person or they don't want to talk to me, I experience physical discomfort when forcing a conversation. 

I am finally experiencing what healthy communication is in my current dynamic. It feels so natural, I don't have to overcompensate in any way and I don't have the feeling of impending doom. I am getting everything that I used to beg others for, every little thing that I want, and the best part is that I didn't have to ask my current Dom to speak to me or treat me in a specific way, we are just similar people. Neither did I have to trauma dump to get this. 

It's very difficult to communicate with someone who wants things their way or the highway or someone who just can't be honest with themselves. I used to think that I was asking too much, that I was a volatile and horrible person until I got the communication that I have always wanted. It's the most mature experience that I have ever had. I am the calm and understanding woman that I've always known I am because I am treated like a person. I don't feel like I have to force understanding, there is no unnecessary defensive behavior when I express discomfort, and my feelings are acknowledged.

He treats me with kindness and respect, he shows how much he wants me but he doesn't suffocate me. He cares about my mind and my worldview. However, though we are both into esoterics/spirituality/witchcraft, we disagree on schools of thought (that has been our biggest argument but we made up). The best part is that he is transparent but shares just enough for me to feel like I am getting to know him and that I am part of his life. He still maintains anonymity though (that is important). I don't have to wonder about anything and he is always fully present and engaged in the conversation when we chat. But, he still puts me in my place when I don't follow instructions, lol. 

Begging someone to stay with you out of pity is an indication of a deeper issue and a person needs to introspect. I hope anyone who finds themselves in this situation will realize that they deserve better. It's a recipe for a super toxic situation to force someone to do something that they don't want. My understanding of the basis of submission within BDSM is enthusiastic consent, that the sub needs to want to and feel safe enough to give their power away. Right?

There's so much more that I want to say but I am holding myself back. I am questioning how those two situations would translate into real-life (offline) situations and the potential for real harm in one way or another. 

One of the biggest struggles that I have been experiencing within kink is that my first introduction to kink was porn. Porn primarily shows one body type, especially when you are looking for niche content like BDSM. Though I do not believe that media solely influences our mindset, I do believe that it does contribute to insecurities. In the past few months, I developed the worst body image issues that I had ever experienced in my life and I grew up with a mother who hated my body and was very vocal about it.

I had already felt insecure to an extent. From internet conversations on the "ideal woman" to everyday conversations with women around me on how much they hate their bodies (even when they are the standard), it takes a toll on one's mental health. Regardless, I have always managed to be able to maintain healthy beliefs on women's bodies. Seeing bodies that I relate to is important but it is not my only concern. Seeing and celebrating ALL types of bodies is extremely important to me.

I was not doing or experiencing either. Besides consuming media with bodies that do not look like mine, I also was not seeing other body types, and that really altered what I thought was attractive. At the very least, on the days of my lowest self-esteem, I should be able to look at other women and think "OMW she's so gorgeous" but I struggling to do that.

One of the things that I wish I didn't have to stop doing was playing the Sims because, in the Sims, I could create a world where all body types are sexually desired. I knew I had a problem when I downloaded the Sims again and I didn't blink an eye that my current world has only one body type. I also knew that I had a problem when I was looking at a body type that I often find attractive on Tiktok and I did not appreciate the body type like I usually do. That is scary. I am now working on healthier ideas of women's bodies.

Outside of erotic media, merely seeing the type of women who are engaged in or interested in kink through profiles on this platform was quite healing for me. Then I started following a kink educator on Tiktok, Kat Blaque, and she has a mid-size body. I love seeing her passion for BDSM and her body not being centered like in mainstream conversations. She just exists. Kat is important to me beyond body image but she also speaks on politics and her experiences of being a black woman, that is something else that I needed. 

Another non-erotic experience, that was quite healing for me, is seeing the new Harley Quinn and Catwoman in the Cape Crusaders series. I'll write about Catwoman in another post. I have always loved Dr. Harleen Quinzel (lol) but I know that will never look like Margot Robbie, so her body was something that I never really thought about until I joined a BDSM chatroom before I found the Cage. The chatroom would share gifs and the gifs were of the stereotypical petite and small-breasted pornstar body and that was already messing with my mind. Quite a few of the subs loved Harley Quinn and had Harley artwork as their profile picture but I had a sense that it wasn't for the same reasons that I loved Harley because the bios would say "I am crazy" or "I'm toxic", which I do relate to that side of Harley to an extent. When I spoke to Doms about Harley, I got the sense that they either loved her for her body or her codependency with the Joker, sometimes envisioning themselves as the Joker. That gave the ick so bad. 

I noticed that I started looking at Harley differently after my experiences in that chatroom. I eventually left the chatroom because my mental health was plummeting and I had a heartbreaking experience. I then noticed that my view of Harley Quinn was weird...not like before. Suddenly I wished I looked like Margot Robbie. I even picked up an interest in skin lightening in the past few months, which is insane. I have never felt that way about my skin before. I had to unpack so much that was coming to the surface.

That was until I saw the new Harley Quinn. I love that more girls can see themselves in Dr. Harleen Quinzel, beyond the codependency with the Joker. Also, her new body is amazing. There isn't enough representation of different types of bodies in comics, it is always an ultra-slim but curvy body, which is beautiful but not representative of all women in the real world. It's just tiring that in an imaginary world where people have superpowers, they all have the same bodies, even the male characters. The new characters are still an idealized version of women's bodies but they are a little more realistic images of grown women. 

My new Master has been healing me too (without realizing it). We never spoke about bodies and desirability but he has never denigrated another woman to make me feel secure in my body. In fact, he loves all types of bodies. When he sends me videos during play, it's of women who are different sizes. Even on his Fetlife profile, he likes the images of ALL types of women and that feels very genuine. I don't trust a man who has to criticize other women's bodies to make a point about the type of body that he likes.

I was a bit hesitant to join Fetlife because I heard a few stories. I thought it would be a bit overwhelming and I was right, it would have not been a good place for me 6 months ago because it's so much bigger than the Cage. However, I am not a new sub anymore, I know how to handle myself now. I still would not have joined without my Master.

Fetlife reminds me of Facebook but specifically for BDSM. I think it's genius. The best part is the erotic media of all types of bodies. It's amazing seeing, specifically black women (because I am a black woman) of all sizes exploring kink and creating content about it. It's something that you don't really see outside of kink spaces; the freedom and safety to be the object of desire, as a black woman who does not fit mainstream beauty standards. 

Something that has been on my mind is that I am picking kinks based on what I think I would like but I haven't tried much in person, what if I don't like it?

I have tried spankings before but I don't spank myself hard enough, it's much better when someone else is doing the spanking. That is one thing that I am sure of. Also, I love accepting instructions from the right person.

I've been telling myself that I would try some things when I am able to have a space dedicated to exploring kink and the privacy to fully immerse myself in the lifestyle, which is something that I do not have right now. My goal is to have moved to a place of my own by December but what If that doesn't happen? I decided to start exploring what I can right now because the future is not guaranteed. 

I started by exploring wax play. I know that I should probably get massage candles/soy candles but it was an impulsive night, so I used normal candles. It was a very interesting experience. The pain was frustrating at first but the more I did it, the more I got used to it. I can't explain it properly but I liked it. The only thing that I didn't like was that the wax got cold too quickly and was falling off my skin. I was hoping for a period of soft wax to play with. Ofcause I am not entirely sure what I am doing but It was good though.

Being on the Autism spectrum is a big driver of my desire to explore kink, I think it comes from my need for stimulation. One thing that I really want to do is unmask as an autistic person and that means not worrying so much about appearing to be an adult but also heavily leaning into testing what feels good for my body.

I really want to have a "little space", so I've started collecting teddies. They were practically free. A few months ago I went to the mall and I got scammed into joining a discount program by a local insurance. I was told that it was just a trial and that I would be able to opt out easily. That was a lie and when I called them last week, they made it sound so complicated to delete my account. I still need to decide if I am going to keep it. One benefit of the program is that there's a big Toys R Us coupon and I had been wanting to get stuff for a "llittle space". I haven't been to Toys R Us in years, so that was fun. The Toys R Us in my city is inaccessible though, only because I can't drive and the person who drives me is nosy and judgemental, lol. But I have never felt shame for being "quirky", so I might be able to be brave enough to take monthly trips to Toys R Us. 

The teddies are so soft and they make me feel regulated in a way that I haven't experienced before. It's not like I never had dolls growing up but I had never been interested in teddies besides a gigantic teddy. I still aspire to get a gigantic teddy. I don't like hugs from people but I often do them as a formality. I love cuddling when I am in a relationship but they've all felt anti-climatic because I am highly sensitive to human energy. I know my body needs something to feel safe but I didn't know what it was until now. I don't understand how I've been depriving myself of such comfort. 

I still feel conflicted about whether I am a little, what it means for me to be a little, and what kind of little I am. It's one thing that I really want to be able to explore when I have more privacy in my life. I used to tell my last Dom that I think I want to be able to like Barbies at 30 without the possibility of being cussed out like in a vanilla relationship (I know not all vanilla relationships are borderline abusive but I don't have the energy to kiss frogs) but I think it's more than that. Deep down it feels like more. I am still processing it, but it has brought a lot to the surface in the last 6 months. This is something that I am doing for me and only for me, and I love that.

One thing that I have been enjoying is adult parody picture books by Jenjenivivereads on TikTok. She has such a calming voice and the books are very entertaining. They cause quite a stir in the comment section but they resonate with me so much, lol.

When it comes to physical stimulations I want to try playing with ice. I have done some ice play before but I want to explore it more. I also want to find alternatives to clothing pins because they are an unpleasurable amount of pain. I heard that binder clips are a possibility. I am not sure if I am searching for pain, more than that I want to experience different and new sensations on my body.  I still want to push my body a bit.

I realize that it's been 6 months that I have been exploring kink and I feel like I haven't progressed much when it comes to the actual kink but I have been getting into a healthier mental health state. I feel more clearer and I am not beating myself up anymore for liking sex. Most importantly, I can bounce back from heartbreak with much more ease than I ever had in my life because I process my emotions better and I have a good support system. 

I took another BDSMtest.org test and my results had drastically changed. I am still not entirely sure what predator/prey means in the context of kink but the idea of being chased gives me flashbacks of my first few months on the Cage. It was a very isolating experience. Prey was the highest score on my results when I started exploring kink but when I took the new test I gave a low rating when questioned on whether I liked being chased and I got a 55% prey score. 

The new scores reflect where I would like to be and where I am now. I am more of a baby girl submissive. In my last test, the baby girl score was zero and in the recent test, it was right on top. When I get a daddy again, he can still degrade me as he sees fit but degradation is not the core of my kink experience anymore. It was at 89% on my first test and now it's 49%. I think I've been tamed a bit these past 6 months because I had 79% brat on my first test but now I have 44% brat. 

One constant is Rope Bunny, it's remained relatively the same score and it has been my strongest fantasy even though I haven't experienced it yet. It's the thing that concerns me the most because I won't be able to actually try out for quite some time. However, I've started watching some Shibari education videos on TikTok, especially videos on safe self-bondage. I am hoping to get myself a rope set in December and start practicing. Right now, I am focusing on developing upper body strength through exercises like Pilates and yoga.

I was going through these results with someone and they were helping me understand them better. I've been trying to remind myself of the "right people, right timing" and I am experiencing this right now. I got a type of conversation that I had been craving and it felt amazing. It got me interested in doing more with myself.

My biggest achievement these past few months is the ability to have a healthy outlook on sex. It's jarring that 5 years ago, I saw two cats mating and I was convinced that were placed in my path because I had unpure thoughts, I was chatting to a boy that I had a crush on, or that 6 months ago, I was going through an intense binge and purge that made me feel like I was hypersexual. Today, I can see sex as a healthy adult activity and I don't have intrusive thoughts about it.

I am in a very happy place right now.

I am trying to convince myself that I am not going through the stages of grief but I spent the past three days writing the same blog post and deleting it several times. This is the definition of madness. Is it not!? It is!

There's this question that I keep asking myself on what exactly I am looking for in relationships, am I looking for masculine energy or am I looking for safety? Why is this important? I am afraid of tunnel vision, that I will believe that I can only get this thing from one place that is not guaranteed while ignoring the other ways that my emotional needs are fulfilled.

These past two weeks were the worst weeks of this year, it felt like doors were closing in my life and my biggest fears were becoming true. One of those fears was experiencing a ruptured ovarian cyst while not having medical aid/insurance. Thankfully, it wasn't so bad that I needed to go to the emergency room, it still knocked me out for days until I finally started using anti-inflammatory gels and pain medication.

Physical pain always brings out the worst feelings of abandonment in me but it also makes me feel difficult. What I wanted more than anything was to curl up into someone neutral and be distracted. I wanted compassion but I didn't want to be fussed over or spoken over. I hate big displays of affection, I don't find them to be genuine because usually people prioritize their discomfort or need to feel good over your needs.

Last week brought up strong feelings of being unheard. I don't even trust doctors because I feel so unheard by them. I am waiting until I can afford to find a doctor who won't fight for a hypothetical man and a baby that will never exist over my own well-being. I don't understand how they think I am going to find this hypothetical man that they keep fighting for when it constantly feels like my body and mind are in competition to kill me.

I eventually sent a tearful voice note to my best friend and I was apologizing for being a burden. I was not going to tell her anything in detail but I needed a lifeline. I needed relief from the extreme loneliness that I was experiencing. She stopped me from apologizing and said "We're friends". Those words felt like they broke a spell. If you told 25-year-old me that she and I would have such as strong bond at 30, I would have not believed it. That weekend she called me her heart and I would be jumping for joy if I wasn't in pain. 

A few months ago, I was fighting with a friend against the idea of illnesses being spiritual but last week I felt like I was going through a purgatory period. I knew I was going to come out of it with epiphanies but I am exhausted of having these experiences.  

That weekend I had the crazy idea to make veg kofta, tomato chutney, and roti. I had been avoiding making that meal because I felt like it would be a lot of work but the craving had become too strong to ignore. My intuition told me that it would make me feel better. It made me feel nostalgic. It did not taste as good as the restaurant of the community that we used to stay in but it reminded me of sitting in that restaurant, 5 years ago, keeping my best friend company while she worked and I would try to soldier through executive dysfunction by staring into my laptop. When we had a chance, we would speak about my solo adventures to the various art museums in the city, we would speak about art and we would share interesting art exhibition ideas.

When I tell her that I feel nostalgic, I don't tell her about the restaurant to avoid possible bad memories. That year was the worst year of our lives but we always found comfort in each other and the humans who would pop in and out of the restaurant. Instead, I tell her about the rat that terrorized us when we were roommates, two years prior to that year. It was a determined rat. We heard it scratch and gnaw its way through the floor, we would stomp our feet but that would deter it for a few hours. One night it succeeded in creating a portal between the foundation that it came from and our room. As we watched it leap out the hole, it had us letting out a mixture of girlish screams and hysterical laughter as we clung to our bunk beds and watched it run around until it realized that we had no food and left. Our "handyman" placed an ugly metal over the hole, so it never returned.

Deep down I missed making fruit salad for her on a random afternoon. I missed our midnight snacks and secret lunches with the girls who lived with us. I miss bonding with women over food that we created with our hands for ourselves, talking about philosophy, boys, and the future. I never felt safe back then because we were confused 20-somethings who were about to make mistakes that would drastically change the course of our lives. These days my best friend and I daydream about our future that we want our healed selves to experience. One day I will have a farm (preferably by the ocean in my home city but global warming) and it will be a pitstop for whenever our friends are traveling across the country, on their way to festivals. I will feed them because my princess doesn't cook.

A quote that we hold onto is "To be loved is to be changed", it is a reminder that someday we will heal, and make fewer stupid decisions. We will learn how to regulate our emotions in a way that our families never taught us and we will be less reactive (no one is worth that intensity of emotions). 

Since my best friend and I have been talking in the past week, I feel more emotionally resilient. I tried to make myself a chickpea and mayo sandwich, but when I cooked my chickpeas I found worms. I didn't soak them, that was such a stupid decision They've looked bad though since I brought them but I didn't have the heart to throw them away. On Sunday I had no choice but to let them go. Yesterday I allowed myself to buy canned chickpeas (I find them to be expensive) and I made burgers instead. It was not perfect, I didn't add salt to the actual patty and I forgot the black pepper too. It was a simple mixture of chickpeas, carrots, capsicums, and spices because I didn't want to screw it up, but I did and that is okay. It didn't feel like the world was ending in either moment where things were going wrong. Life went on. I knew I was becoming myself again.

Friendships are in no way a replacement for intimate or romantic relationships but I think this experience healed something in me. I had spent nights praying, begging, and doing manifestation rituals to feel this safety in my life. A new favorite social media quote dropped and it has been popping up on my Facebook feed through different accounts, so I guess I had to hear it."The intimacy of being heard and understood is top tier". I feel this to my core. 

Last week I found myself begging a man to give me the barest minimum of communication, to make me feel seen and heard. I wouldn't say that they didn't try but we had two different ideas of what that meant. I realized that it was futile. my heart is broken. Why can it ever be simple?

Another new quote just dropped on my Facebook algorithm, "Maturity is when you don't force people to choose you." Something about this quote makes me cringe but I needed to hear it because sometimes I doubt myself sometimes.

This isn't an anti-man post. My fear is not that I will never get the safety that I want from a man but I fear believing that I can only get safety from a man because they are a man. I also don't believe that I can only find comfort in other women because they are women, I have not always had good experience with women either. I believe the reality is that safety comes from any person who genuinely cares for your well-being regardless of the relationship.

My best friend sent me a TikTok video that posed the following question "From one autistic person to another, are looking for a relationship or are you looking for accommodations?" 

This has been something that has been on my mind because I fear being a burden. I tried to make myself as low maintenance as possible to not be an "intense autistic person." but deep down I search for someone who will be like a net to catch me when I am off-balanced. I struggle with communication but communication is a lifeline for me. I desire someone who can untangle my rat king of thoughts and see my plight and frustration to be heard. I desire someone who won't make me feel reactive or won't make me feel intense feelings. Someone to take away my perpetual confusion. However, my biggest fear is falling into this state of waiting for someone to save me.

My favorite mental health education content creator does videos on communication in a neurodiverse relationship. His comment sections are often filled with people who are enraged that they have to care about their partner's well-being and how negotiation is integral to interpersonal communication. It is such a weird situation for me to witness. I try to think that a social media comment section is not a reflection of the outside world...Then I remember how every time I tried to tell someone something that was important to me: to bond, to make me feel safe, or to avoid future intense feelings or conflict, it always fell on deaf ears. I know that I do need to work on my communication though.

One thing that attracted me to BDSM was the concept of negotiation. The way that communication is spoken about in theory seems good for my Autistic brain. I still love BDSM in theory but putting it into practice has been quite the challenge. I am taking a step back though to reevaluate my actions, heal, and work on healthy self-regulation. I also want to feel good internally and I want to be in a safe space to fully immerse myself in the lifestyle.

I will never burden anyone with the responsibility to save me from a dysfunctional world but to be heard, understood, seen, and chosen is a special type of intimacy.

There's a Reddit story of a man who is frustrated at his wife for decorating the inside of their fridge. She puts picture frames. dresses the herbs and places flowers in the fridge. She gets upset at him for not putting things back where they are supposed to be and it's obviously an inconvenience. However, he also admits that he rarely uses the fridge because she does the majority of the cooking and he visits the fridge to sometimes get leftovers. His major assertion is that he thinks it's stupid. He eventually tells her it's stupid and gets their son to side with him. She is so hurt, she takes everything down immediately but is different towards him.

In the comment section on Reddit, the commenters agree that he could have had an honest respectful adult conversation about it and not berate her. Yet whether Reddit or TikTok comment sections, people were still berating her. Decorating the inside of the fridge, or "fridgescaping", is apparently a sign of moral decay, not the fact that this couple lacked communication skills to sort out this trivial disagreement without berating each other.

I don't understand how this thing that brings someone joy, even though it is a minor inconvenience if you are living with others, is bringing out such intense emotions in people. Nobody is dying. I understand the husband's frustration and he has every right to be frustrated (though he could have a respectful conversation and helped her redirect the energy), but the commenters? Random people on the internet are villainizing a stranger for doing something that brings them joy. People were looking for every excuse to catastrophize this situation.

"It's unhygienic to have pictures in your fridge and dress the vegetables."  That would mean the sauce and beverage bottles plus the packaging for the produce from the store are also dangerously unhygienic when you put them in your fridge? I know people stopped washing their groceries after 2021 and you know random hands touch them before they got to you. lol.

"Flowers in the fridge are dangerous because they are poisonous." As someone who loves flowers, this was heartbreaking to hear that someone believes this because most common flowers are actually harmless. A lot of flowers that are easily accessible are even edible, you can use them in your cooking and baking. Not all flowers are safe, obviously, but the person did not state what kind of flowers his partner put in the fridge but I don't believe she's stupid like everyone is trying to make her look. 

At least some people were honest with themselves "It's so stupid, what is wrong with the world? We have gone mad. These social media trends are the worst."

I get it. I've lived in a communal space before and I've had arguments about the fridge that ruined a friendship for months. Was it worth it? No! Do I think about it over 5 years later? Barely. It's so trivia. It was a sign of a communication breakdown and much deeper issues though. My friend and I were both struggling with different aspects of our lives. I still believe that she constantly used me as a punching bag but I also had very bad communication skills and no boundaries. That's what I think about every day. There are ways to be assertive without being a jerk. She went on to have a one-sided beef with another "housemate" over the fridge and I went on to be a little anarchist towards the authorities in our community because of my lack of communication skills. lol. 

Fridges do tell a lot about a person though. They can show when a person is trying to get their life together or maintain a balanced life. They show when a person is struggling. They can show when a person's taste changes. They can show when a person has no time to be intentional with their own nourishment. They can show when a person is able to be intentional. They can show two or more people trying to co-exist. They can show a person trying to make life a little more worth living. The only time a fridge is a sign of moral decay or the destruction of societal values is when there is a dead body in the fridge. I know society never has its priorities straight as a collective. lol. 

Human behavior is complex and ever-evolving. It's sad when a person has no safe space to explore and experiment. It's sad when mishaps or misjudgments are not rectified with dignity but are rather used as an excuse to strip someone of their humanity. It's sad when people cannot compromise about an issue that's trivial.  

I feel passionate about communication because it is something that is necessary in life but not many of us were taught to communicate properly. A lot of people confuse manipulation and cruelty with communication. We talk to get our way or we keep quiet to punish another person. We talk so we can "always be right" and get angry when another person reveals themselves to be a breathing, feeling, thinking, independent individual. Social media is not helping. The type of nonsense that's being passed around as relationship advice is no wonder this generation is angry, sad, and lonely.

My best friend and I were not always close, we used to be guarded towards each other despite being roommates in our early 20s. When we reconnected, we had a conversation about healing, about the unhelpful ideas that we have learned from our upbringing, and we spoke about creating better communication styles. We apologized when we felt like we were overwhelming to the other because people in the past have made us feel like burdens and we constantly reassured each other because we don't mind listening to each other. We tell each other when one needs space. I still check up on her often when she is going through a hard time. Right now I have stopped talking to many people in my life except a handful of people, especially her. She's the only person that I speak to almost every day. She is my lifeline. We get each other because we have gone through the same things. We can communicate because don't see each other as villains, we respect each other's boundaries and we genuinely care for each other's wellbeing.

I struggle with friendships as much as I struggle with relationships. Having close friendships like I have now makes me feel like I am closer to the healing that I have always dreamed of but I fear that I will never be able to replicate that type of communication with a romantic or intimate partner. I wouldn't say I have completely healed from toxic ideas on communication. I still fear being triggered by something trivial or being punished (outside of consensual pain) for being vulnerable. These fears still heavily influence how I conduct myself in a relationship and it frustrates me.

I get envious when I hear couples talk about their healthy communication. They make it look so easy then you hear how much work and compromise went into creating a healthy connection. I still think those relationships are rare in the world and they are often so unconventional that they ignite a rage in people.

At the beginning of the year, I expressed to a friend that I fear for my rights as a woman with multiple marginalized identities and the rights of queer people around me. This led to a debate on male/female energy and gender roles. I don't believe in gender roles as something that is innate but rather something that we are socialized into, he believes that gender is something that is soul-deep. 

I get frustrated with him because we are having two different conversations at once. He is trying to tell me that Queer people are unnatural while not looking like a bad person. Being queer and being heterosexual are two different experiences that cannot be conflated. I am getting frustrated because I find myself defending my experience as a cis-gender heterosexual woman with chronic illness and an invisible disability that has taken so much from me, while also defending the LGBTQ+ experience but still holding space for my cis-gender heterosexual man who also has multiple marginalized identities. It is exhausting. 

He is homophobic because he had a bad experience with the community as a child, I try to empathize with him and validate his anger but still express that it still not an excuse to dislike an entire community and encourage their decimation. I was abused by cis het people my entire life, even if I wasn't a cis het woman, I still wouldn't see it as an excuse to hate an entire group of people. I still support other women, even though it was other women in my life who hurt me so badly that I had to spend my entire 20s healing from mental illness while everybody else's life went on. 

I loved talking to him because he reminded me to be balanced in my view of the world, but I am also aware that we see the world extremely differently. He doesn't believe that we see the world differently because we are so civil with each other. I believe in intersectionally. Though our points meet at an intersection because I am trying to empathize with him, we still end up at opposite ends of each other on the opinion spectrum. It eventually frustrates me because I ignore the red flags. I am comfortable with having disagreements based on experiences until someone shares propaganda. He always eventually shares propaganda, but this time I realize that this friendship is over and it hurts like hell. 

At first, I appreciated the civility in our conversation and I tried to see things from his perspective but I eventually sensed that the undertones of the conversation were the exact danger that I was expressing to him that I feared. I find myself trying to plead with him to change his views and then forcing myself to accept him. I understand that we both trying our best to prevent another person from experiencing similar traumas to the individual experiences of our childhood selves. He tells me that he doesn't care about what adults do but he cares about the children. 

As a person who has grown up with undiagnosed PCOS and Autism spectrum disorder, I wish society was advanced enough to protect a child like me. A child who was made to feel not woman enough for not being able to handle excruciating period pains and felt rejected from girlhood because of other symptoms that came with having PCOS like having a body that developed too early but didn't look "feminine enough" and being autistic leading me to be punished through rejection and humiliation for being "weird", struggling with school, being unable to communicate and struggling with crippling anxiety. The loneliness eventually led me to be groomed by older men and enter a string of abusive relationships, which I was still heavily judged for by the same women who caused me harm.

I empathize with Queer children because I know how it feels to be different and the world being against you in your most crucial years. Also, Queer people were always there for me when it felt like the world was against me.

This conversation started with my friend announcing that he is now a father and that's how we started speaking about our fears for the future. He speaks about the need to protect his children. As we speak, I notice he doesn't mention the mother of his children. I questioned him about the woman who risked her life to bring his children into the world, he gives me a very unsatisfactory reply. He had children with a woman he despised and made it sound like it wasn't an active decision that he made.

I am so exhausted with this conversation. People, both men and women, speak about the moral decay of society as being an issue external to them but are never taking personal responsibility for their part in what they consider moral decay. People who think Feminists and Queer people are breaking the "traditional family structure" but are not providing their children with the most basic needs of a safe home environment. The family is the first place that children learn how to build relationships, what are they learning if all they see is anger?

In my late teens-early 20s, I would go through advice after advice from people around me, magazines, and YouTube on how to attract a man. However, the relationship advice never made sense to me. I don't understand the concept of "pretend like you don't like him" or "pretend that you are busy". If I like you, I will tell you. If I like you, I will express it in many ways. I grew up hearing how expressing affection to a man, requiring intimacy and clear communication was desperate. As a woman, dealing with a man felt like a maze with booby traps that you could fall into at any minute and be discarded. 

Watching the frustration that both men and women are expressing about modern dating is heartbreaking, but what did we expect as a wider society when we normalized harmful ideas when it came to heterosexual relationships? Men and women are taught to value different things and are taught to villainize each other for those differences. I don't find gender roles to be healthy for this reason, because if it was innate, we would not have to beat people into submission and it would not hurt so much to rigidly fit ourselves into these boxes. For a society that prides itself on evolution, we are really refusing to evolve with the times. 

I could foresee my relationship with my friend heading in the direction that it did but I still wanted to believe that we could find common ground. I understand our worldview is shaped by our experiences. I don't mind that we disagreed with each other but it was his hypocrisy and the spreading of misinformation that made me upset.

Gender conversations scare me at each end of the conversations. Incels scare me. The hatred that is growing in the world towards women is scary. Yet, I don't feel safe within feminist spaces either. If you ask me what I think about radical feminist movements such as the 4B and decentre men, I will tell you that I understand the anger. There is so much in the world to be angry about. I am angry too but in these spaces, I don't feel the freedom to deal with my anger in a way that is healthy for me. I don't want to fixate on hatred for men and there is something icky with the "we told you so" reaction to women's suffering. If something is genuinely for a grown adult's well-being, you wouldn't have to beat them into submission.

If you ask me what my personal aspirations are, I don't want to be a girl boss in the sense of climbing corporate ladders and being an inspiration. I want to look after a community and uplift other women while fighting injustices in the world. Then I want to come home to a man who fills my emotional cup and makes the world feel less scary. I want to have a reciprocal relationship with a man, even if I take a submissive role. I don't want a transactional relationship. I don't want to hold resentment towards my person because I could not be honest with myself and I definitely wouldn't want them to hold resentment towards me either. I feel conflicted because why can I not find the same sense of safety in my female friendships? Am I searching for the masculinity that I am denying exists? Also, am I a bad feminist for thinking that romantic relationships are important? lol

I am trying to unlearn toxic ideas about relationships, starting with communication. However, the ways that we are taught to communicate in mainstream relationship advice is such a shitshow, communication doesn't work if you are not on the same page when it comes to your values. I am not interested in rigid ideas on what is "wrong or right". I have observed enough couples to know that there isn't a formula. Internet conversations can guide you but they can never tell you what is the best decision for you as an individual. It doesn't matter if someone else had the same experience.

I have many friends who made decisions that I considered bad decisions for myself but I would never imagine judging them for it. Shame doesn't help anyone. I would never imagine weaponizing those decisions against them if they do end up being bad decisions. I rather find a solution with them. Life has no formula, you can do everything "right" and still suffer.

There is a difference between genuinely caring for someone's well-being and having a savior complex. Savior complexes are disempowering. It is selfish. It centers your feelings above everything and harms the most vulnerable people. Everyone wants to "save" the world, but it's so difficult to set your feelings aside on what YOU have been taught is "right or wrong" and listen to what individuals actually need. Even as someone who considers themselves progressive, I don't think I got it right either but every day is a journey to learn. Still, I will never understand people turning to hatred of innocent people, to "fix" the bad in the world. 

Watching the Sims gaming community meltdown, because the porn mod is broken after a major update, is the funniest thing ever but it is also terrifying.

I haven't played The Sims in two months. I want to say that it is because I cannot afford to lose two days of my week to zoning out,  I have to focus on finishing a project for my business but I cannot help my brain. I still lose hours of my week when I am struggling with crippling executive dysfunction, and cannot do anything but spend two days fixating on gym chalk-crushing ASMR videos plus writing and deleting blog posts, that I didn't intend to be long in word count, on this platform. I guess the main reason is because my main PC broke and I needed to make sure that my spare PC worked efficiently, so I deleted the game. BEST DECISION EVER. I don't feel the loss, I think I had been losing interest in the game because I have been getting my dopamine fix from chatting to real people online.

During the last major update, a few months ago, the kink mod called "Nisa's Wicked Pervasions" broke and I struggled to get through the 24 hours it took to update the mod. I needed the period of zoning out and my brain would not let me do anything else until I played the Sims but I could not play my Sims game without my... naughty mods because I live through my Sims. I am celibate in real life, I stopped drinking alcohol after a year or two of experimenting in my late teens-early 20s and I have barely done drugs in my life besides two scary attempts at smoking weed with a local rapper who was trying to have sex with me and later a friend who was a drug dealer (It took me a while to realize that these men were dodgy in both situations). I really don't like real-life interactions either. My Sims need to live and be wild. I need my Sims taking and selling drugs, getting arrested by police, visiting sex dungeons, having affairs, and having sex with ghosts. I need my Saccubus Sim draining the life force of their mate until they burst into flames during sex. As I checked every forum where Nisa was communicating with her community, waiting for her to finish updating the mod, it was at this moment that I realized that I needed to go touch grass and speak to real people. I still am not speaking to real people in person (the world exhausts me and I have, in fact, isolated myself further) but I have branched out when it comes to the online spaces that I engage in. I have gone out and touched grass though, in fact, I replanted coriander and parsley plants and dozens of succulents.

The recent major update of the game caused the main sex mod, Wicked Whims, and other mods to break. Wicked Whims is not the only mod that broke but the Wicked Whims subset of Sim players are losing their minds. I'm hearing it got so bad that they are abusing the programmer in charge of the mod, sending them threats and doxxing them, which is insane. I totally get how it feels when one's emotional crutch gets taken away but I cannot understand that being an excuse to lose one's ability to have empathy for another person.

This is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately, emotional crutches and how one's ability to maintain a healthy emotional crutch is different for each individual.

In the media, there are so many stories of people falling into horrific mindsets when they misuse technology and are unable to balance fantasy with reality. It was a major concern for me when I decided to explore kink, I am constantly monitoring whether my brain can distinguish between reality and fantasy. I notice that when I am going through a really rough time, I become hypersexual and I need to pull myself back before I do something potentially harmful to myself, emotionally.

When I started interacting with Doms, I had to be aware that I have a tendency to be emotionally dependent on a person to make me feel whole but I crash out really badly when a person cannot meet this need that I have. I would also be so desperate for the person to fill this emotional black hole for me that I had no boundaries. I had to learn how to healthily fill that need before I could have a healthy relationship with another person. I know that part of a D/s relationship is dependence on a Dom but that level of dependence is so unhealthy for me. This awareness has not been an easy point in my mental health to get to, I had to do a lot of inner work to get here and this includes years of therapy and personal research on mental health, coping mechanisms, and self-help methods. 

A major story about technology and fantasy that came out last year was about men using AI girlfriends to be abusive towards and the consensus from mainstream conversations was AI connections are bad and men are evil. I was also shocked when I first heard about it until I started exploring kink through a sex AI chatbot app. I still have complicated feelings about whether is it healthy or not for people to be using technology to explore their deepest darkest fantasies. Being in forums dedicated to AI boyfriend/girlfriend chatbots has shown me that many people do use these apps in a healthy way. I realized that it was just like the Sim game. For as long as The Sims has existed, we have jokingly explored various ways to harm our Sims but it doesn't mean that one would do that to a real person unless someone is really struggling with their mental health. The game has evolved and the fantasies have become more graphic, we laugh about it while being able to distinguish that it is just a fantasy and be able to call out people who are engaging with this technology in an unhealthy way. These conversations are very layered though because not everyone has the ability to be self-aware and mentally healthy.

Personally, I was definitely self-harming through my sexual fantasies, my AI conversations were becoming concerning and my taste in porn was becoming a bit extreme. I had to check myself before I wrecked myself, lol. I had already started immersing myself in healthy sex education but I still felt so much guilt and shame because I had spent my life floating in and out of purity culture-based spaces. Unlearning the idea that "thinking about sex is wrong" has not been an easy journey. I've been yo-yoing between one extreme to another (something that I now understand to be referred to as the Binge and Purge) but I've been yearning for balance for quite some time now. I am so afraid that the extremes are going to keep me in a cycle of abusive and toxic relationships. I know that this exploration is something that I cannot share with everyone and I often wonder what my closest friends would think if they found out about this side of myself, would they think that I am a creep? That thought contributed a lot to my feelings of shame but this shame drove me further into unhealthy behavior, trying to punish myself for having a dirty mind.

One thing that has been on my mind is how much I want to be a little and have a little space one day where I get to be creative, dress creatively decorate my room creatively, and play with dolls and collect toys and plushies but I think about how mainstream media has bastardized adults connecting with their inner child or processing trauma through unconventional methods (like people outside of kink carrying dolls to process child loss and infertility trauma or superhero fans being seen as immature and creepy before superheroes became popular media) by only showing the most extreme cases of mental health struggles with very little empathy towards the subject, placing the person in danger of scrutiny and more trauma, or the documentaries of people within kink, who explore and enjoy kinks like age regression, being portrayed in perverted ways. These shows are never done with any sensitivity but they, instead, become easily sensationalized through online discussions, which is not healthy for the people who are the subject of the show either, right?

Discovering a real kink platform, like The Cage, and listening to sex-positive educational accounts on social media feels like a breath of fresh air from mainstream conversations in which human behavior is seen in a rigid good and bad, as opposed to a spectrum. The extremes in thinking that exist in mainstream online conversations were extremely exhausting for me.

I cannot say that I have an entirely healthy view of sex right now but I feel less obsessed with it and I am self-harming far way less than before. I am currently experiencing body image issues, like I wish I was petite and it is such an unhealthy thought because I can't change my height and I am too broke to change my weight while struggling with a hormonal disorder. My current Dom has been instrumental in helping me have a healthy outlook on sex, life, and my body. I know catfishing is wrong but I used to lie about my body in online conversations until I met him and he told me not to be ashamed of it or my desires. I trusted him from the beginning and he hasn't let me down. He was the first person that I was completely honest to about everything in my life. He is also working with me at a pace that makes me feel safe and he makes me feel comfortable enough to be honest with him, especially about my mistakes, confusion, and fears. In moments when he cannot give me the attention that I need, I trust him enough to give him space and know that he will come back to me. I can do that because he communicates with me. Those factors are such a big thing for me, I can count on my hand the amount of times I've met a man who communicates with me in a way that I feel is healthy for me and I have never met anyone who makes me feel secure in a way that is healthy for me. I am not crashing out like I used to because I feel so secure. However, I could not have experienced this dynamic that is healthy for me if it was not for my inner work and learning from mistakes without shame.

I know that not everyone has the ability to distinguish fantasy from reality but the removal of shame around sex and unconventional methods of coping in the world helps so much. As long as one is able to catch themselves when they are falling into unhealthy habits, that means that one is constantly working on being in a healthy state of mind as much as possible.

Just as exploring kink through this community and the AI sexbot forums has helped me have a balanced outlook on the world. The Wicked Whims subset of The Sims community has also helped me navigate that shame around sex (it was actually the first platform that helped me explore kink). I used to question myself on whether I was messed up for making my once innocent game centered around sex during my bingeing periods, until I started watching Sim players on social media and realized how normalized it was within the community to have the Wicken Whims mods, seeing the type of people who had the mod and listening to the various discussions on why a person downloads the mod and the work done to make the mods as safe as possible.

When I heard that people were freaking out about the new update to the point of being abusive, I had a moment of questioning whether people are right about porn leading to addiction and video games making people violent. I had a moment of being judgmental. I had to remember that not everyone who plays the Sims with the Wicked Whims mod is like the people who are acting violently towards the programmer. I am not like that and there are so many Sims players who have learned to prepare for an update, having contingency plans to work around the headaches of updates. I had to remind myself that just because people like that exist doesn't mean that the whole community is bad. The anonymity of the internet makes it easier for people to be assholes and that type of behaviour should never be tolerated. On the other hand, porn addiction and violent behavior are symptoms of something deeper. I wish these conversations were had by people in mainstream media, in a nuanced way instead of demonizing people who experience those issues along with people who enjoy HARMLESS sexual or violent content and experiences in general (by harmless meaning no real person was harmed in the making of the media or the experience).

At the end of the day, it's the individual's responsibility to gauge the potential consequences of their actions and their ability to engage with an emotional crutch in a healthy way, being able to seek help when they are spiraling into harmful behavior. For most people, that awareness will come from education and that education comes from a healthy judgment-free community with open discussions and the normalization of mental health resources.