Ophelia under the Nightshade

I constantly speak about my first month on The Cage and how I was searching for instant gratification, then I realized that I actually liked it here and stayed longer. I made so many mistakes that I still feel the repercussions of but also, it has made me think deeply about how I navigate relationships in general. The decisions that were once just thoughts were suddenly important because I needed to know what boundaries to enforce.

In my experience, I am equally responsible for the results. If I don't like the results, I have to figure out how not to repeat my mistakes. That means that I have to introspect. Learning about the BDSM lifestyle has not been easy because there is a lot of information and it can be confusing to enforce. Here are some of the things that I was confused about and how I choose to be different:

1. When does a dynamic actually start?

In my first month, I was chatting to multiple Doms who demanded my submission from our first meeting but internally I thought "This cannot be how a real dynamic starts, right?". I was making agreements that I did not fully understand and was extremely confused at the results of these agreements. I was afraid to ask questions but also, didn't know what questions to ask. I could not fathom giving myself completely to someone that I had just met and could not understand why someone would expect that from me. I assumed that the person that I was chatting to was also searching for instant gratification (which half of the "Doms" that I spoke to were).

In my second month, I learned the true meaning of the relationship between a Dominant and a Submissive. I learned about the collar, that it is like a marriage but also, I learned that there are different types of collars? I am not collared, what does that mean for me? Do I want to be collared? Without the collar, does that still mean that I am in a dynamic with someone because I play with them and call them by the honorific that they prefer? Then I learned that you don't call everyone by an honorific. Oops.

How far does the online BDSM dynamic control my real life? Am I allowed to have an offline boyfriend? I learned that sometimes people have both vanilla and BDSM relationships. I learned that some people have vanilla relationships with their BDSM partners. Do I want a real-life BDSM partner in the future? How do I go about doing that? How do I introduce BDSM to an offline partner? These questions are cleared up by clear communication.

I love the idea of contracts that lay out expectations and durations, as someone on a spectrum I need clear communication. Though contracts aren't a fool-proof solution to my issues in relationships, they should help. I love the concept of negotiation, I need the safety to discuss when I am struggling and need an adjustment as someone who is on a spectrum. And of course, the one thing that I was aware of before I entered the space: safewords! I love the concept of safewords.

A lot of this is still confusing for me but I learn something new every day that makes things a bit clearer, that's a big reason why I focus on reading and community right now. I do not have empathy for anyone who tried to take advantage of my cluelessness. However, now that I am wiser, I would not want to be responsible for someone's broken heart and contribute to discord within the community. One thing that inspires me to be better is seeing how much work is done in education on healthy and safe BDSM practices and seeing the frustration towards people who exploit lifestyle, giving the rest of the community a bad name. 

2. Infidelity and Polyamorous relationships

I am very open to consensual non-monogamous relationships (CONSENSUAL!!!!).

If I am entering a new relationship, whether vanilla or a BDSM dynamic, with someone who is already in a relationship or married, there is a lot for me to consider. The first thing would be whether it is truly an open relationship and not infidelity. Does the main spouse know that their partner is "stepping out" and is she also allowed to "step out" too? Another thing to consider is why the couple is in an open relationship and if it was a mutual decision. I do not feel comfortable with polyamory at the expense of another. If there is no enthusiastic consent to an open relationship then I do not want to be part of it. I've recently discovered that there are couples where both main partners need to be okay and speak to the "side partner" before the one partner starts the side relationship (I don't know the proper terms). That would be ideal but I know it's not achievable for everyone. At least speaking positively about your partner is something that is important to me. I don't feel comfortable when someone appears to despise their partner. I do not care how someone treats me but I do care about how a person treats the people around them. How a person treats the people around them is how they'll eventually treat you.

Karma is real and it has once slapped me so hard that it rearranged my brain. I have unknowingly been "the other woman" in my vanilla relationships and I don't ever want to have that on my conscience again. In my first month on The Cage, I think I was in a situation that was suspicious and I was unsure of how to deal with it. 

These experiences have made me think that I would rather have my future partner communicate with me than go behind my back. I am also not a fan of being told who to spend time with, so I love to have a partner who does not control my interactions with others and gives me the security to have open and honest communication about who I interact with. I love being dominated, not controlled and I value communication.

3. Limits and Consent

I did not know anything about limits in my first month, I did not realize how crazy things can get.

Realizing that I like being a "little" gave me ethical dilemmas that I am still processing today, where is the line between a healthy release and unhealthy coping mechanisms that may encourage harm to others? Degradation has also come with dilemmas of its own. Am I a bad feminist if I let a man call me a slut? I think Phoebe Waller-Bridge's series, Fleabag, especially her monologue on wanting to release control over her decisions to someone else, perfectly encapsulates this dilemma.

Deciding what my limits are happened as I had experiences and was not something that I started with. One boundary that was pushed and has irked me out a lot is expressing that I love degradation and almost getting roped into raceplay. It only happened twice on this platform, but I still think about it a lot.

I didn't know raceplay was a thing until I saw an article on The Cage about it. I'd heard a bit about it before but I didn't realize that it was part of BDSM. I have complicated feelings about it and I felt guilty that I felt uncomfortable with it, I didn't want to shame anyone for their kinks. That was until I read more about how BDSM relationships are conducted, how both participants need to be comfortable with everything being done in play, and the different philosophies such as the 4 Cs.

What solidified my limits was reading a discussion about using sexual assault in play with someone who did not consent to it. CNC is a valid kink but without consent, it's not "Consensual Non-Consent", is it? It can cause lasting damage to a person and re-traumatize someone who has experienced sexual assault in the past. It can be a breach of trust when someone crosses a boundary without consent. I feel a similar way about telling someone, who experiences the world as a white man, that I am interested in degradation and their first instinct is to show me an image of a black woman in a minstrel-style leather mask or call me the n-word, that is so sus to me.

I was chatting to someone on another platform about this and they were trying to play Devil's advocate by saying that when they are engaging in play, they try to use the thing that they know will trigger their sub the most. That makes no sense. Why does it have to be the thing that will re-traumatize them like sexual assault, when they a struggling with their experiences with sexual assault? Or racial slurs when they didn't ask to engage in race play?

Another point of contention that I have against my participation in raceplay is that I'm South African, the n-word or minstrelsy are not mine to reclaim or reject. It does not have the same weight on me that it does for an African American person but I know the connotations that it has. We have our own word that makes me feel like punching someone whenever it's said. A word that's not even legal to speak because our wounds from oppression are still fresh for us. 

From my understanding, both the Dominant and the Submissive should enjoy play right?

4. Endings

I never know how to end things. In my first month on this platform, I was ghosting people as soon as they made me feel uncomfortable. For example, if I tell you that I do not send pictures and you make me feel as though you cannot move on without images, why am I wasting my time chatting with you? It also makes me feel like if this one thing is not respected then how will you respect my limits during play? Do I want to continue with this connection? No! However, this is not always an offense deserving of the block button. I am learning that I could have a conversation explaining why I don't think I should continue with someone instead of just blocking, unless I feel extremely unsettled.

Sometimes the block button is warranted. Such as if someone ghosts me for a month or more, and then returns to demand things from me, what in their right mind makes them think that I will still be waiting for them? That deserves the blocking. 

When I had a connection where I had been chatting to someone duration of over a month, that needed a proper ending. I thought I had done that by expressing that I needed to end the connection. It was an abrupt ending and I felt guilty afterwards. On the other hand, it was a complicated ending that could have been prevented if the dynamic had begun properly, in the first place.

I am okay with my experiences because I did not have the right intentions when I started my account. I, however, still question the impact that I had on others. I always question the impact that I have outside of my inner circle or one-on-one conversations. When I decided to stay, I made it a point to make sure that I focused on learning the intricacies of a BDSM dynamic. I want to make sure that in the next dynamic that I enter, I leave no room for confusion, to avoid any UNNECESSARY awkward conversations. Of course, I cannot account for everything but I can try my best to know the basics and make sure that I have a strong support system to turn to when I need to. Those things are work-in-progress though.

I've been struggling to write because I have a rat king of thoughts in my mind. Every thought intersects with another, feeling tangled and I do not know how to untangle them. During these past few months, a lot has come to the surface of my consciousness and it is clear that I have a lot of unprocessed trauma from vanilla relationships under patriarchal conditioning. Processing it and unlearning toxic ideas has been a journey.

I cannot express enough how much I love the forum posts on this platform because they are humanizing in a way that I did not think was possible on a platform centered around sex. It is saddening that I feel this way though. Some of the discussions ought to be common sense but we are conditioned within wider society to accept so much abuse. One is punished when they conform to wider societal norms and one is punished when they deviate. It is confusing to know how to build meaningful relationships, it helps to have someone reminding you that you are worthy of respect and safety.

One thing that I keep pondering on is how much consent is emphasized in a way that isn't done in vanilla relationships.

I love that one is not obligated to send images but I have flashbacks of conversations with a friend about my experiences on Tinder. I didn't have full-length images but quite frankly, I was exhausted of the false starts that come with internet dating. Sending images comes with so many risks in a time of advanced technologies, there is something that gives me the ick about the thought of my image existing on random men's phones. On the other hand, how are they sure that I am not a catfish? My dating profile had at least one full-length image and multiple images of my face and I would send a face portrait image but that wasn't enough. Was all this work of taking a recent full-length image worth it for someone who barely had any real interest in me? 

I have flashbacks of my long-distance sexual situationship that I so badly wanted to be a relationship. He had such an amazing life as a businessman, community organizer, and environmental activist, who traveled the world to attend courses and conferences with organizations and institutions such as the US Embassy and the UN. He was the type of man who would come back after I blocked him and beg me to speak to him, blowing up my phone with multiple calls a day that overwhelmed me. Yet for some reason, this man did not see me as worthy of holding a conversation with or had any real interest in me as a person. The whole relationship was purely sexual, all I was worth for him was free porn and it was so taxing on me emotionally. I hate feeling like an object outside of play. I think the pain from that experience was such a wake-up call for me that I never wanted to engage in that type of relationship again.

Being on this platform felt counter-productive to my healing at first but I laid ground rules for myself and I was ready to lose connections if I had to. My emotional health meant more to me than anything, so I was ready to drop anyone as soon as my "no" was ignored a third time. Three strikes were my limit because I try to be a forgiving person. I refused to feel pressured into something that made me feel uncomfortable. It felt so validating when I finally took the time to learn about BDSM and realized that boundaries are perfectly fine and recommended.

The submissive women in vanilla relationships that are heavily influenced by patriarchal thinking are expected to be quiet, to not have thoughts, opinions, or questions. Every interaction with a man is somehow an invitation for your autonomy to be taken away. When you are taught about consent, it's already late because you have internalized these oppressive ideas about women. It is a sad existence to not be able to create meaningful relationships because your only objective with the opposite gender is to gratify your urges. When I first came to this site, my only goal was to gratify my urges because I was not expecting better. I had never received better in vanilla relationships, why would I expect it in a space that is centered around exploring one's deepest darkest fantasies? Boy, was I wrong!

The BDSM submissive is allowed to have a voice, to express their preferences, and their consent is held in high regard. Of course, I know that it is not a utopia, I have heard stories of consent being ignored and I have had mild experiences of my own. I am just glad that I don't have to be in a space where a submissive person is treated as though their autonomy does not matter because they consented to sex or being submissive.

The dynamic between a sub and a dom is based on friendship and it takes a long time to cultivate. I recently realized that I am demi-sexual. I have always craved emotional connection over physical, but I have forced myself to accept physical relationships without an emotional connection because I desired to feel wanted. I had been told before that "men want one thing" or "You're only worth having sex with". In the past, my desire to feel wanted took over me to the point of placing myself in harm's way. I also felt extremely guilty for the act of desiring sex, that I entered a community that places emphasis on celibacy from a purity culture perspective, that teaches that women are temptresses. I thought that I deserved every bit of punishment, or pain that I received for being a "bad girl'. This is not the pain that I consented to. I had no say in how I would receive this pain and it was not for my pleasure. It was a punishment after all. I felt punished with distance within relationships for expressing my needs. If I was not completely submitted to a man, never questioning him, even when he placed me in harm's way physically and emotionally, I would get discarded. I felt as though I deserved to be discarded because that is what happens to women with no sexual purity.

When I started exploring kink, I thought that degradation was my kink. My intrusive thoughts were so loud that I thought that I had to off myself for them to be silent. There's something more empowering about being called a slut on your own terms than when it is used to "put you in your place."  Suddenly these words had no power over me. Internally, I don't feel like I am a worthless slut but in play, my brain knows that this is the tone that I consented to, that it is being done to pleasure me and it's not that serious. Feeling heard is the most empowering and liberating part. Then I feel relief that the world did not fall apart because someone called me a slut. In this time, in this context, I allow myself to be a slut and that doesn't make me any less of a person. Outside of play, I am treated like a person who breathes, feels, hurts, and has a mind.

That is my frustration with existence in general. How one finds safety in spaces that are often demonized and the places that are generally considered safe by society are often the most unsafe spaces or they are only safe for some. Does this count as irony?

It is interesting how much things can change in 3 months. I have outgrown the need for degradation, as liberating as it felt, it was originally intended to be a form of self-harm. These days, besides the existential crisis that is a constant in my life, I am at least not experiencing intrusive thoughts anymore. I am craving more intimacy and gentleness alongside the rough play. I am now taking time to get to know myself.

The ability to change feels liberating too.

Three things brought me to the Cage.

As someone in feminist spaces, there are a lot of conversations about whether kink is actually safe for women. Personally, I am not too fond of the type of feminism that believes that women are incapable of making good decisions for themselves. I decided to start reading different opinions on kink but I never fully grasped the nuances of it until I started exploring kink.

The second experience was watching a TikTok video advising women to become Findoms as a way to make quick easy money. I needed quick money, so I started researching what being a findom is about because the video didn't go into details. Also, I have always thought that dominatrixes are the most amazing powerful women but mainstream media doesn't do justice when discussing the nuances of being a dom. We only see male doms torturing women in porn. We only see female dommes doing what might be perceived as "scamming" because people cannot fathom why anyone would pay someone to make them write an essay, to insult them, or to financially blackmail them, especially in a patriarchal world where men are shamed for "submitting" to a woman or women are shamed for providing services to men. The more I researched what being a Findom is about, the more I realized how risky it is, not only for the dominatrix but for the potential sub. I knew that I have no ability to be dominant and I am irresponsible, I decided that I never wanted to put anyone through that.

My first experience with kink was even before I started researching the practice, I was in a vanilla online sexual relationship with a man who expressed an interest in kink but came from a conservative country. I tried to explore kink with him but it left me feeling very unsettled. We were not doing it right and were not taking into account the complexities of a kink relationship and how it needed a lot of care. I downloaded kink-based mods on my Sims game and that piqued my interest in kink even more and my desire to try new things.

It's been over two months since I found the Cage and I cannot believe how much time has flown by. This platform is my very first experience with a proper kink community and I love the articles, forum posts, and discussions that occur here. Though, my journey in the two months has been bumpy.

When I started my account I was completely clueless and I was honest about being clueless. I see discussions about new subs being bombarded with messages from Doms and that was my experience. I met very genuine Doms who gave me advice, but a majority of the Doms that I spoke to took advantage of my clueless position. The experience was so overwhelming that I went off the platform for a while, which was a bad idea for so many reasons. For the first month, my telegram was an even bigger dumpster fire that I don't want to speak about.

I eventually found less overwhelming spaces to read about proper BDSM dynamics but it was still so confusing until I returned to the Cage and started reading the discussions in the forums.

I made so many mistakes in my first week on this platform. I didn't know that you're not supposed to enter a dynamic immediately, that you're supposed to get to know your potential Dom. I didn't know that BDSM dynamics were just as binding as vanilla relationships. I didn't know about vetting or contracts. I didn't know the basis of BDSM such as the 4Cs. I relied on my intuition and what I was being told by the men I was chatting to.

This is exactly why I love reading about BDSM as a concept because the resources out there to ensure safety within a dynamic are empowering. Practising BDSM though is still very risky.

It was something instinctive for me to focus on building friendships, especially with more experienced subs. That is why I returned to the Cage. This week there was a blog post that advised just that, which made me feel so validated. I'm not sure if it was the same blog post but there was a post about a female sub on another platform who was engaged in a degradation kink relationship that was bordering emotional abuse. I relate so much. I have been admiring how mature I feel lately and my ability to discern. However, if I had explored kink in a space in time when I was more vulnerable such as my early 20s, I would have gotten myself into so much trouble. My relationships in my 20s were already quite toxic. From from teenage years, at 17, I was groomed multiple times and was involved in relationships bordering abuse and emotionally abusive relationships. I am so happy that I never even thought of exploring kink during those years.

Every interaction and discussion on this platform could mean the difference between someone feeling shame and not knowing when or where to seek support or someone feeling empowered enough to seek support when feeling confused or unsafe.

On my return to the Cage, my inbox was not better but I was, at least, more equipped to handle it. In my first week back, I had Doms speaking to me under false pretenses of friendship but then attempting to manipulate me into a dynamic that I stated that I didn't want. I had to state that I don't want a dom because I already have a dom for people to leave me alone. I also had someone trying to spark unnecessary drama.

I felt stupid because what was I expecting from a site that is centered around sex, then I remembered that consent was one of the basis of a BDSM connection and I also noticed an emphasis on non-sexual connections and boundaries in the conversations within the forum posts. That empowered me to make more informed decisions on how I conduct myself on this site. I also had to be more aware of how I speak to people that I do not lead anyone on. It's something that I am very open about now, that I am strict with my interactions because I do not want to lead anyone on.

There are still corners of this platform that I find to be not conducive and border shaming others. When we are not having nuanced conversations about human behavior, we risk failing those who are vulnerable.

My experiences are fine for me because I am mature enough to handle them, to see and to learn from my mistakes. However, I think about younger people who enter BDSM spaces and might take a longer time to learn how to be healthy. I think about vulnerable people who may struggle with mental illness, who may have unprocessed trauma, or who may come from a cultural background that makes them vulnerable to abuse. There are so many horror stories out there of people being hurt badly because they engaged with someone who was not practicing properly and they were not able to discern the difference between what is healthy and what is harmful.

People say that the sub holds all the power but does the sub know that they have the power, how to yield that power, or how to safely give that power away? When we take into account that we are all conditioned into patriarchal thinking that takes a long time to unlearn, does a sub really have power? (both men and women can be harmed by patriarchal thinking) 

I don't think anyone, dom or sub, should be shamed for not practicing properly, unless their actions are life-threatening in one way or another, including mental health-wise, or if a person is incapable of being self-reflective, even after advice. I do think that empathy is important because a person may be on a rocky journey. A big factor in steering me in the right direction were Doms who saw that I was a mess, gave me advice, and then left me alone, or the dom who is taking the time to know me. I still had the responsibility of taking the advice that I received and doing better. I pray that I will deal with my future interactions with the same level of empathy that I received (Doms deserve empathy too).

Things are still very confusing for me but at least, I am better at navigating through my confusion.

I think doms, whether male or female, have such a big responsibility to ensure that subs are safe and are learning proper safe practices. This is especially true for the male doms who offer to be a "supportive person that you can come to for advice" to new subs or those who offer to "train" subs. On the other hand, subs also have the responsibility to arm themselves with knowledge. But doms, especially those with experience, should not be taking advantage of a sub's inexperience or naivety. I think online spaces are safe-ish to explore kink but I think about how improper practice in real-life play can mean life or death. If you are not listening to someone telling you no in online spaces, are you going to listen to your sub during real-life play? Also, if subs are not learning the proper practices from doms, what does that mean for their next connections when things don't work out with the first dom?

It's so important that everyone, whether dom or domme or male/female sub have a safe space to have these conversations and seek community support when feeling confused or unsafe but with awareness that your words and actions have an impact. Empathy is important in a space that places people in vulnerable positions such as a kink community because safety is dependent on empathy.

You know when someone complains about people around them but in the short space of time that you spend with said person, you feel what everyone else is talking about? If the person is not listening to the people around them, is it worth pointing out that the criticisms are true?

There are many common beliefs that I never thought I would subscribe to, one being that "If more than one person is telling you the same thing, maybe there is some truth to the feedback". There is so much shame associated with the idea of being flawed, but not all flaws are necessarily bad. I also strongly believe that people deserve empathy but there's a difference between empathy and the savior complex. How does one find a balance and the ability to discern? I have been collecting thoughts on these questions.

A person without self-awareness is exhausting when they constantly place themselves in a position of victimhood. I have never believed in the concept of the perpetual victim before, I have always felt like this concept was dismissive of people's struggles. I still believe that the concept of the perpetual victim is sometimes weaponized against vulnerable people but sometimes pointing it out is warranted.

When you are actively harming people around you or harming yourself with self-destructive tendencies, your behavior should become a cause for concern.

Are you misplacing your anger on people who didn't consent to receive your anger and who have less power than you? Are you taking advantage of your authority over those who are vulnerable?

Are you possibly single because you do not listen to your potential partner and would rather try to manipulate a relationship to your benefit? Are you incapable of taking no for an answer?

Are you constantly stirring unnecessary drama?

Are you really difficult to love or are you a bottomless pit that cannot be satiated with all the attention and love in the world? Are you overwhelming?

Are you an avoidant person who doesn't allow others to get to know you and hence cannot form proper connections?

Are you superficial and measure the respect that people deserve based on your ability to be sexually attracted to them or how they fit societal standards of a "respectable person"?

Are people telling you that there is an elephant in the room that is your harmful behavior and you are adamantly denying that there is an elephant in the room? How do you improve if you are choosing to wear blindfolds of pride? If you choose to close your ears with the fingers of shame? If you block out the advice with words of ignorance?

Obviously, the idea that one is a perpetual victim does not apply to someone who has a marginalized identity and is constantly being discriminated against. Discrimination is a real thing and the struggles of a person being discriminated against are very much valid.

There are many reasons why you may not be getting along with others. You might not be everyone's cup of tea but rather coffee. It is still your responsibility to find out why you are repeating harmful cycles.

There are times when you might find yourself in a space or situation that you do not fit in or may be harmful to you. The pressure from that harmful space may bring out the worst in you. You may feel like a cat in a corner that pounces when feeling threatened. Even though your reactions may be valid, it is still your responsibility to get yourself out of that situation or speak up to seek support. The pressures of society are not worth your sanity.

The best advice that my former therapist has ever given me was to "go where you are celebrated'. This should be common sense but when you are taught that you are worth less, you believe that less is what you deserve. You end up knocking on doors that are shut especially for you and no one gives you the code or you try to learn elaborate rituals to enter certain doors. You won't need to struggle for the right doors to open for you. You shouldn't have to beg people to love and want you.

Self-awareness is still important to help you find the right people to surround yourself with, even when you accept that you aren't everyone's cup of tea. You need to know your needs, to be able to communicate your needs, to help others can accommodate and support you. You need to know what makes you feel loved, to allow people can give you that love. You need to know your vices, so you can reach out for support and help when needed.

I used to constantly feel like a cat in a corner because I stayed in situations that were not healthy for me. I thought I was hopeless and evil until I found people who didn't bring out the worst in me, who listened to me and validated me but could still widen my worldview and tell me when I made a mistake. I felt safe. On the other hand, I still had to do a lot of work to make sure that I was a safe person to be around and was not draining the people around me by being an insatiable bottomless pit begging for love from those who cannot give it to me.

I never thought I would be a person who says "No one will save you but yourself", but I don't mean it in the individualistic tone that is often used. I believe that even when there are saviors, which you will meet many, you still need to know yourself enough to know the issues that you need the most help to fix and what methods work well for you.

If you are in the position of being the support system, you cannot help someone who is unwilling to do the work or is incapable of seeing what they need to change. 

No human can be entirely harmless but a true test of a person's character is not only how they treat the people they like but rather how they treat everyone especially those who are vulnerable, their ability to own up to mistakes then find solutions, and the ability to be self-introspective.

I am turning 30 today and I don't feel like I am where society expects me to be or where I wanted to be and yet for the first time in my life, I am happy to be alive.

A few weeks ago I had a chest infection that left me unable to breathe for a few hours. I had experienced this before. I remember the first time it happened, 5 years ago, I was not listening to my body and hurting myself to make everyone else happy. When my chest started closing up, I was still refusing to listen to my body. My mind convinced me that I was being over-dramatic, weak, or imagining things. I had told myself that maybe I had forgotten how to breathe, that if I didn't hyper-fixate on my body gasping for air then maybe I could be able to breathe again. I was waiting for everyone else to tell me whether I should take it seriously enough to go to the hospital or not. Crazy, I know. On the next day, surprised that I had made it through the night without going to the hospital, I finally decided to go to the doctor.

When it happened again recently, I at least knew what to do and to take it seriously. But there was something cathartic about feeling my body fighting to stay alive through the breaths that it was forcing in. How instinctive it was for me to be conscious of my breathing, instead of whatever I was telling myself a few years ago. That signifies so much growth for me.

My 20s have been such a disappointment,but in these past 6 months, I have been feeling positive about the next stage of my life. 30 feels like something clicked in me. On the other hand, though I have tried my best to unlearn ageism, I also find myself grieving my youth despite it not being over.

These past few years have been a period of me being conscious of my body and her needs. My 20s were a disaster because I was not listening to my intuition unless I hit rock bottom, which constantly got me into trouble. As I enter 30 and not feeling quite like a winner in life, it feels very instinctive that I keep my head above the water to not drown from the weight of society's expectations. 

These past few years have been a period of reflection, where I started rethinking my identity, future, and relationships. I am a very spiritual person, though I tell myself that I am not a religious fanatic. Spirituality forms a big part of my life but it has also taken over my life in an unhealthy way that distorted how I view myself and those around me. My recent awakening is so closely linked to my sexuality, that feels so counter-intuitive when I've spent my life in spaces that have a heavy emphasis on purity culture and I am committed to these spaces. It's a conflict that I have been experiencing my entire life.

I have never really had good sexual experiences because consent has always been murky and I was guilt-ridden in the end. Not even celibacy-based spiritual spaces could save me from coercion and my dangerous impulse to please or the desperation to feel wanted. I realized that I might be demi-sexual. Despite having a high hormone-driven sex drive, I still value connections above the physical act of sex. I've been celibate for 5 years and I don't think that I like the actual act of sex when I do not feel safe or loved, when it feels like a chore or a demand. It was so important for me to get to know my body better. It was so important for me to be able to say "I am most sensitive in this part of my body" or "I don't think I can only have sex for procreation, I still see sex as an important form of bonding between a loving couple."

Being on a journey to figure out what I like during intimacy has been interesting. Exploring my body without physical sex has been the best experience that I have had in my life. In the past 3 years, I have learned that I am on the spectrum and I have a hormonal disorder that makes me either infertile or makes childbirth difficult. These are just two, of the main events, that forced me to start making decisions based on what is best for me. I have known that I don't fit in the world, I just wish that I didn't waste so much of my time trying to fit in. 

Purity culture becomes so entrenched in someone's psyche that one believes that the mere action of speaking about sex is wrong but how do you have a relationship with someone without having a conversation about sex? I found that there is liberation in me realizing the importance of the ability to communicate what I like and do not like, standing firm when I feel uncomfortable, and leaving when my intuition tells me to.

When I first stumbled upon this site two months ago, I was not sure what to expect from the BDSM community and I was such a mess. I didn't take BDSM seriously as a community but my intuition told me that I might actually feel at home here. I was praying that I might get relief from the mental torment that I was putting myself through. I've always wanted to try BDSM and have spoken about it with a long-distance situationship that I had last year but I didn't have the correct information about the community. I am so glad that I can try this in a space where I am empowered with proper information. 

Learning about BDSM as a practice has given me so much life and made me believe in relationships again. I love how communication and consent are emphasized in a way that is not done in vanilla relationship advice. Though I give my power away as a sub, I still feel empowered and safer because there is such a wealth of advice and research online.

In a patriarchal world, vanilla relationships feel like one person is giving all their power with little return and another person is just taking. Whether it is the woman who submits to their partner no matter what and doesn't have her emotional and sexual needs heard and met, or the man who treats the woman who doesn't like him like a Princess, sacrificing himself for her approval and the approval of those around him. There are also so many rules in vanilla relationships that seem to contradict the basis of building a relationship like trust, partnership, and communication. It's so confusing.

Of course, online interactions with people are not the same as getting to know someone in person. My experiences of BDSM have mostly been through the imagination and online conversations as I was deciding whether I would like to make this part of my real-life experience one day.

Through my exploration, I am learning that the BDSM community in its entirety is not perfect. It makes sense. That where people from different walks of life come together, there will be a misrepresentation or misunderstanding of an idea or practice. However, I know from exploring different spaces, from religion to political ideologies like feminism, that just because something is practiced imperfectly doesn't always mean it's bad.

I am glad that my intuition led me here to help me deconstruct some ideas that I was struggling to unlearn.

I am 30 and I am learning to be flirty (lol). I have a string of pearls of wisdom that I hope to add to throughout my journey in life.