The house is empty. The neighbors have put their kids to bed. It's Christmas Eve with clear blue skies and the sun is shining well past 4 pm.
It's late winter, but I am going to count my blessings while I have them.
Everyone is out flying around the country, deployed for jobs, or visiting family. I have no plans and no company.
Just enjoying the still quiet that is only interrupted by the oven and the dryer.
I decided to skip buying Christmas gifts. As the weeks to Christmas ticked down, I watched people devolve into greed, stress, debt, and conflict.
An astounding amount of people hit me up in November.
Cousins.....who I have never met.
Exes.....freshly single and feeling nostalgic.
Friends....eager to drown sorrows and memories in alcohol.
New Interests....sending one-word texts with a pre-formed response that they were waiting for you to hit them up.
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There is a difference between emotional depth and emotional capacity.
If emotions were physical strength. I'm talking about the difference between a tai chi master and a bodybuilder.
**I light my pipe. Dani brought me some tobacco leaf from the Amazon. I mix it with cannabis and enjoy the feverish kick that hits my face and lungs.
Two texts have my phone light up my face in the afternoon shadow of my living room. It's Teresa. She apologizes for ghosting me. I delete the text before reading the rest. The second text is from an old Army friend. We talk for a bit. The Rough Rider Group after 5 years. Two dead, one is an addict, the strongman is deployed in Iraq, I'm injured, and old Moon Dog is still in the Army about to be a Drill Sgt. I tell him I'm proud of him. He was always the best of all of us. Not in a superior/inferior standard of meaning, but in that he just learned from our life lessons and continued to be friends after his success.
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Letting this entire battleship of festive holiday experiences pass me by on the waters of time and creation.......has let me fall in love with the idea of peaceful days. The oven beeps, I'm baking sweet potatoes in maple sugar and cayenne pepper. Looking out the window, couples are running left and right into the nearby park. A young couple splinters into a quiet argument. I can't help but notice the woman has a very nice ass. To which the guy points and shouts something. She walks off.
I open up my Macbook over the kitchen counter and let a couple of motivational videos play. I like to boost the vibe while I cook.
It's usually trap hip hop, a speech music video, or jazz.
I fire up... the electric face stove, prep, and oil the skillet, then threw in kale, eggs, butternut squash, cabbage, rice, and Brussel sprouts. On my life, I never thought I would willingly buy, cook, and eat Brussel sprouts. But I have eaten my body weight in sugar the past couple of weeks so blood sugar control is on the mend. Apple cider vinegar will be next up.....AFTER desert. It's Christmas Eve, best believe I'm going HAM on this apple pie.
I want coffee. I decide to have a smoothie. Orange, banana, and strawberries. Seems like plants would be more compatible with plants.
.....I stop. The Devil on my shoulder sits down, and says "Bruh...coffee is a plant."
Mind....BLOWN. I nod in humbled silence.
The angel on my shoulder replies "So is this." Then lights a blunt (Willies Reserve Green Caffeine) and hands it to me.
A balm and solace against the burn from earlier.
I hear the neighbors screaming at their kids from the car that they are going to be late. Traffic is BOOMING. You would swear one of the most impactful diseases known in American history....wasn't lurking around every corner.
I had COVID on Thanksgiving, recently tested negative again. Even though there are rare cases of reinfection, I can feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. More than a few contractors had to admit that they are at high risk. Which in turn lost them their job opportunities. Case and point, usually you can't deploy as high risk or immunocompromised. If you test positive, it's 60 to 90 days for the test results to reach the recruiter, corporate, on-ground management, flight team management, and more. So to recap, I lost my job, clearance, spent most of my savings, helped out a few people along the way, and now I'm pending cases and applications.
Ok...good pep talk. Enough about work. The holidays just have me reminiscing and getting the itch to go out and make some money. I'm still waiting on my workman comp claim. Now reading articles that say it took a minimum of two years....before COVID. So.....fuck. Going to have to go back to college, but I have a math placement test tomorrow.
You know what? I'll turn this into a self-development day. ALL DAY tomorrow, I'm gonna study math. Then take that stupid test. Probably bomb it and then get whatever degree I can. Damn, that's nerdy. I take a hit of Green Caffeine and toss a CBD treat in the air. Took 3 weeks but I mastered Jackie Chan's gumdrop wall toss.
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My spiritual advisor is 5'4, long black hair, compassionate alpha type, raised in a temple before immigrating to the states. All she does is eat right, meditate, and work out. She fine AF. If there was an opportunity to date this woman, it would be scary at first, but I would take it. Even knowing it was doomed to fail after 8 months. My thoughts go back to BDSM. My spiritual advisor calls to ask about canceled plans. She advised against me downloading the Co-star astrology app. In the middle of it, I cracked a joke about how she broke my heart a few days earlier. We went soaking in the hot tub downtown, she invited a female friend.
In the half-hour we were alone (before a said friend arrived), I decided to tell her straight to her face. The truth. If those cheeks can get clapped, let me give my standing ovation. She tells me what I already know. I boldly replied: "Give me the top 3 reasons you think it won't work (for 8 months), I'll see what I can do."
She sits back into the hot tub wall. Her pose is confident and compassionate. She looks like she's about to tell me that even though she knows I have kids and a sick mother, she has to lay me off from the company.
Number 1: You're a man.
The bedrock of logical thinking in my heart takes a heavy impact. Fractures are evident. Internal damage most likely.
Number 2: We are not fully compatible. She's a rebel vegan spiritualist. I'm a former US government contractor.
Internal temperature is critical. We are losing this fight. Mayday. Mayday.
Number 3: ......
Ego defenses activated. Trauma blocked.
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Thinking back to BDSM. I watch the cannabis smoke sneak out of my room into the hallway. I got a Molekule air purifier. So it won't make it far.
For all the messages, blogs, comments, and chats that I typed and read, I feel like I missed out on something. Something complimentary in value, but vital in the market of dating today. I skim through another set of blogs and forums that are filled with frustration and disappointment. There are a couple of gems to smile at, I send a message or two. I think back to the spider battle. Anna, my sub at the time, would probably just grill me and then let her imagination free roam on the strings of delicate and deeply personal questions.
I make some tea and tuck myself into bed. The kitchen is clean. This is so fucking nice.