My best friend and spiritual advisor are trying poly with a man (John) she has known most of her life. They were both under the mistaken impression that they could do this because they both had the basics, had years of connectivity, and both wanted to try something new. Upon introducing new partners, the man found women who wanted something long term, while my friend kept finding men who just wanted sex. They chose to handle this by attacking what they perceived to be a threat. Instead of conceding ground and supporting their partner while being transparent about fears, partners, goals, and just how much they don't know.
The story continues. John's two partners are 1. an older kinkster who is in an open marriage 2. a younger porn star and socialite.
While Spirit Lady had 25 messages an hour coming in from the Cage, Tinder, and Bumble.
Being the voice for poly in this conversation. I knew this wasn't an equation for happiness.
A stubborn monogamy minded woman + John who just wants people to be happy + a lack of awareness + whoever they might be dating at the time DOES NOT equal a stable poly relationship. That's just a mixed bag of bad vibes and confusion. After the breakup talks, John is visibly shaken and asks "what did I gain from that?" My friend attacked this. Only to realize John asked that question BEFORE they were officially dating. So...now...she's mad, he's emotionally isolated, and the competition is trying their best to get him back.
Better make it a two on two decision, instead of a three on one, women vs men decision.
End result. At my friend's behest, John chose her. BUT upon having a stressful breakup convo with two women, my friend chose to give John an ultimatum. Break up with those two or I'm leaving.
Rewind. If you want a man to do something, then they do it. Is it in your better interests to threaten them with loneliness and isolation if ....what....they don't do what you already asked?
I advised my friend to support her goals. Life is about transactions, what you get, and what you give. She wants this one guy in a relationship where they both try kink. That one guy is doing what she asks and is trying to be in a relationship with just her. Now....the perfect thing to add to this is threats. Clearly.
I further advised: The next time he has doubts, sit in his lap and give him a beer. Look him in the eye and have a positive moment. It could be sex, a walk, reading together. Cement the FACT that you are the better option, instead of angrily preaching the theory of it.
In Leadership Training, my career mentor advised me (when managing people) "Don't be just another source for stress and confusion. People naturally run from stress and confusion." Just paying it forward.
My friend laughs. She hates this. She didn't think she would have to fight this hard if at all, to get what she wanted in a situation where her thoughts of personal worth, connection, and intimacy would be at risk of being fractured, stressed, and/or expanded. We hugged, I told her about my recent bout with monogamy. I told her to OWN her process. The selfish and broken parts of her included. If you're going all in, go all in.
"Keep playing games in these streets, and you will end up under them." ---Uncle David. RIP 2004
She's trying poly and going for monogamy. I'm in a monogamous relationship, going back to my roots in poly.
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I was in a monogamous relationship that ended recently. We met online. She was curious about BDSM but hadn't really practiced it. She had a corporate job, her own car, place, dog, and family backing. Covered everything my mother could drill and burn to the ground (she loves me).
In the beginning, I was a poly dom, working in adult film and casually dating who I wanted. Well...that came to a stop.
As my relationship grew, other things were slowly eliminated. Then a few months later, I was miserable, hadn't had sex in weeks, quit making $$$ in AF, barefoot in my kitchen, texting (while cooking) when she would make it home for dinner. COVID cost me my security clearance, so I'm in limbo until the Fed hires me back.
Her job became more stressful, I got COVID on Thanksgiving, and then hoes started hitting me up to cuff up for the holidays.
I found myself in a mindstate where I was lonely in my house, staring at the floor, telling myself "just don't talk to other women and it will work out."
Which was similar to the mindstate I had on deployment "Just keep my head down and it should work out."
At the time, she had helped me pay rent, got me through the VA case management process, drove me to my rehabilitation appointments, and more. I was watching her dog every day, cooking healthy meals all day, and cleaning/doing laundry. Obviously, life put us here, I didn't aspire to this situation. We had tangible benefits and for a time, had personal and logical reasons to be together.
We were not doing anything substantial to support the inside aspects of each other or our relationship. We were so busy handling the rest of our lives. Which I will note, could be a motivating factor for why people on here are trying to stuff as much of their lives into BDSM. See previous posts.
The breakup wasn't even that. Since the intimacy had died slowly over weeks, this was more of a formality. Which made it easier for us to be friends. I admitted that she taught me some valuable life lessons, helped me through depression, and apologized for overloading her with everything from my job, family, and contractor life at war. She told me to call her. We have plans.
She revealed some things I didn't know before. 1. she never had been in a successful poly relationship, only bad monogamous ones. 2. She didn't like or respect other women much. 3. Between work, her dog, and family, she wants her love life to be easily managed and engaged with. And just doesn't have it in her, at this point in life, to learn new ways to connect/expand, while taking the good and bad of new partners.
Then we both saw I was becoming more miserable, she was becoming more unhappy, and her dog was mad that the river of snacks had dwindled.
I conceded. We made plans to grab beers later. We still talk
I am now reflecting back on all my monogamous relationships. Speaking specifically on the classic Christian monogamy practiced in America. You know the one, with the diamond ring and a legal contract with the state...not God. Always had an issue with mainstream religion. It seems that a bunch of perverts who like to play with kids made laws on who gets what when people sign contracts. Land, slaves, women, money, crops.
