I was reading a recent interview about a YouTuber I watch…
She was asked about one of her greatest fears in the kink realm and something about it really resonated with me.
Her fear was to give too much of herself that she looses all meaning.
Being honest, at first, I didn’t understand what she meant. I mean being submissive, that’s almost our job right? To give and be molded into something usable? To be reconstructed time again maybe with some funishments along the way…
But then I really thought about it. And I thought about the past, as well as the present too; and I thought about how I had allowed myself to be molded and locked to the cuffs of destruction. I allowed a silent chain to be bounded around my neck, dragging me to my next emotion/ my next feeling. And I liked it. It was exhilarating. To play this game of cat and mouse, getting the gift of attention in return.
I can’t help but think; what was I doing? What was this lie that I was feeding about myself, to myself? Why was I constantly running and throwing myself into shark infested waters?
Was it shame? Was it insecurity? What exactly was I missing from my life that forced me to throw myself at others, but still toy back… teasing my way into a corner just to be left with dust.
But like all things grayed, color and vibration bled into me again. I was stuck in turbulence becoming accustomed to debris and clouded judgement because I, allowed my judgment to be clouded.
I allowed my confidence and thoughts to be choked, because I liked to be choked. I liked broken but not any more.
Even now, as I stretch for my next scene, looking at all the new possibilities, I leave that door closed and another open. Welcoming future and fun, hopefully with hot wax along the way…
Nice to see you again!
Bunny 🐰