I woke up at 4:30 in the morning. My heart was racing again. I couldn’t tell you why. I kept looking at the clock wishing it would go back. I tossed and turned, snapping back and forth between pillows. I even sat up; stiff as a board, cracking a window hoping the freezing air would scare me to sleep. It didn’t. But it scared me back under the covers. So I flopped back on my side and stared at the wall. I started to think. Every thought found themselves plastered to white paint in front of me.
“Don’t forget rounds at 11a with Charge.”
“You didn’t eat enough, how many calories did he say you need to take in again?”
“What day was it when I was supposed to get my oil change?”
“Goodnight Babygirl.”
My body started to hurt. Why?
I lay flat now- the ceiling is swirling. Messages and photos flood room.
Why does he cause me pain? But why do I like the pain he causes me. It’s an addiction.
Every meeting is like thorns. They pierce me and never leave. They snags and tear, leaving me bleeding on the ground begging for more. And I want more. I need more. It’s like heroin burning every vein I have left.
He didn’t tell me about the first one. It bothered me but I didn’t care because I love him. He said he cared about me. And that he wanted me. And that He was my teacher, he would guide me all I had to do was follow. So I did.
no matter what I do he was my ending and beginning breath. My ending and begging thought. When I shower, when I touch, when I beg. But it wasn’t enough. It is never enough.
why am I never enough.
Then there was the other. And when I asked I was answered like I was supposed to know.
But I’m still here. I’m still loyal.
I fulfill my tasks.
I journal.
I keep my thoughts and needs to myself.
I don’t want.
I serve.
That’s all I am here for. Is to serve.
But damn you.
Damn you for making me want you so badly.
And fuck you for disregarding me so easily.
It’s not over until every last peice of me is shattered laying broken on the ground- and when that happens? I want you to know that it was done by your hand.
love, babygirl.
