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the alpha pocket sub

4 months ago. May 14, 2020, 5:50 AM

I have the worst poker face. I remember my first Dom would try to train me not to smile in anticipation. I think he thought it was bratty. We would try me listening to a song that would stir up images for me and see if I could look at the camera throughout the song without smiling. NIN - Closer was his choice and man, I could only make it about 10-20 seconds. I'm still like that. It's not because I'm bratty, I just don't have a poker face.

 

I imagine if we spoke via video chat you would likely see me smile alot...but that's just me. I have a hard time...work is the worst. I struggle to maintain a professional face in front of my clients. I have had to work very hard at it because I had to demand respect from them in order to create order and understanding. My subordinates to take me seriously when I'm not smiling, but quite honestly, it's rare. I suppose if I take a minute to reflect, that's probably the babygirl coming out.

 

Since I am separated, I kind of feel single, not dating. No way can that happen right now. But I do notice that I let my submissive side out a little more. I feel like Uncle Joe after Thanksgiving dinner that loosened his pants after Thanksgiving. Being bound up that way to just let loose is very gratifying. I also feel like it brings out the predator in me (I have always kind of felt like a switch deep down). Case in point...

 

My company finally opened it's doors to the public. We have been operating not open to the public but available to services. We have been in the office. Although I must say I have enjoyed wearing my loungewear to work, it was nice to put on a full face and my dress clothes...okok perhaps my lipstick was my favorite. Not only had it been a long time since I've dress for work, but the sexual tension is running strong with me.

 

My Purple Promise (google this, I don't want to say the company name) delivery driver came in. We have had a working relationship for three years. We have gotten to be very good friends. We even exchanged numbers once so I could let him know when I was at the office during the lockdown. He was in the office and we were talking about the virus (refuse to use the full name). We shared conspiracies, I bounced my crazy ideas off him and vice versa. We finished up our talk and out the door he went. Not 3 seconds later there's a ping on my phone, "you drive me crazy". Holy fuck, it was my delivery driver! I totally apologized and stated that I know my ideas are insane and I have a lot of them. But that's not what he meant. He found me sexy!

 

Ok let's stop here. I have never placed myself in the sexy category. People do not flirt with me. My subordinates, yes, but not me. But I'm a horrible flirt so I would likely not even notice if someone was...they would literally have to hit me over the head with a shovel and tell me!

 

Dang, I mean, I always thought he was cute. I'm a sucker for beards and all. He then tells me that I was biting my lip and staring at his crotch. The fuck you say. I went so red, I was so embarrassed. I don't know let Heather (apparently my alter ego) out. But fuck Heather! She didn't have to do me like that. Apparently Heather isn't getting any. I thought, well, at least we have to wear masks so I will just keep it on when he comes into the office next time. I hid most of yesterday, but wouldn't you know it. The Purple Promise showed up today...sneaks up behind me in my office and what happens? Heather stares at his crotch again. I mean...Heather, the least you could have done was kneel! I could barely look him in the eyes...I'm sure I was 1392 shades of red. 

 

But truly, Heather and I have got to have a talk. It's a good laugh tho...oui, the joys, yeah?

 

 

4 months ago. Apr 29, 2020, 4:44 AM

Ok, not my typical but....

Saw this. Loved this.

Reminded me of "The Red Strokes" by Garth Brooks.

 

So...I think I need to do this! Yup yup.

4 months ago. Apr 23, 2020, 7:51 AM

Renegade and rogue. I have been called both over the last couple months. To be honest, the both mean roughly the same thing. In a negative connotation, renegade means a rejection of conventional behaviors or cultural norms. A Rogue is defined as a dishonest person. However, there is a playful meaning to rogue: a mischievous person. I’m about 99% sure the meaning towards me was negative. But what makes you rogue or renegade?


So to me, I don’t really see myself that way. First, when I think mischievous, I think brat. Although there is nothing wrong with being a brat, I am not one. Now I will say, I am inquisitive, witty and a thinker. I am never intentionally being a brat or consuming, I just have a lot I want to know. 


Now, the other side. I don’t feel like I am dishonest, I think I am very upfront with people. I don’t think people hear me. BDSM has its cultural norms, but it leaves so much room for variation and adaptation. My experience is variance and adaptation only occurs after submission. To me, I cannot submit until I feel psychologically safe and that can take a long time. I will not submit to a Dominant that is not mine, do not demand of me. I will not give out my number, let down my wall or anything else I hold sacred to me. I know my ability (time) to submit. I value my due diligence. And this I know, makes me a renegade, a rogue submissive to some. 


I am not saying I have never done wrong. I have. What I am saying is, protecting my vulnerabilities does not make me rogue or renegade, it makes me smart. It keeps me intact from becoming jaded. It keeps me intact for my Dom. 


What do you think?

What's rogue? What's renegade?

6 months ago. Feb 25, 2020, 6:13 AM

The Green Mile...I think its one of the greatest movies (we can agree to disagree). The fascination with empaths and healing really bloomed with the idea of taking something from someone and healing them. Taking pain, suffering...whatever it may be. If you are unfamiliar with the idea, according to the dictionary, an empath "a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual". Fixing it or taking it back as John Coffey would say throughout the movie. We are all given our gifts.

 

I often see Dominants as empaths and healers. For me, a Dominant takes away pain, anxiety and emotional stress and replaces with calm, structured thought. Sometimes it's through touch, meditation, or a calming voice. As a result of this gift, so many have, I think they carry the emotional weight of so many. What a heavy load! Imagining caring and putting yourself out there are often to be there for someone.

 

I think this is why I say with the sincerest of hearts, we, submissives owe it to all Dominants to be careful and cautious with our Dominants, in any capacity. As we are treasures to them, they are treasures to us. I am reminded of the grateful behavior of all the characters when John Coffey "takes" from them. We should be as gracious to our Dominants who "take" from us. 

 

I sincerely apologize for not being gracious. I promise to move forward with the respect, kindness and graciousness for the kindness that has been bestowed and may be bestowed upon me.

7 months ago. Feb 10, 2020, 10:06 PM

When people meet me at work, I am assertive. I say no. I am often labeled a pit bull or a bitch. My relationships with my clients are very intimate. My position often puts me in a place where I become their confidant. I would say about 50% of my clients have met my children. They are in the office more than I would like to admit.

 

For the last 10 days, I have had a new client I have been working with. He is very direct and appreciates immediate responses. We have spoken on the phone numerous times at length. I will admit that I was struggling with the phone conversations. I have a really busy office, I'm constantly interrupted and I have been struggling to meet all of my obligations. So today, this client was at my office before 9am. I was receiving text messages from my assistant "hurry up, he's here and has questions". Today, I was running late. My daughter slept less than 2 hours last night. That means I slept less than one hour. This means that a tortoise is moving faster than me. This also means that I haven't gotten my head right for work today (something I have to do to survive work).

 

Most of my interactions can be shortened in to 30 minutes. This interaction was 3 hours long! We had talked about a lot of things. But I had stated something like, I'm not typically the aggressive one. Then BAM! He went off on this tangent of always being a Dominant, has been since school. He starts using the words submit and submissive in my office. Unconscious things happened. One, I lowered my head (didn't even recognize it). Two, my hands were placed on my thighs, palms up. Three, I became all flushed and very attentive to my surroundings. 

 

So....lately I have felt like I wasn't very submissive. That I have misread all of my behavior, needs and desires. But you know, I think I'm right on target.  And that feels pretty good.

 

 

watch him be on this site....

7 months ago. Jan 23, 2020, 10:27 PM

2020 - New Year, New You...so that's what the email said from my boss yesterday. I don't like that statement, I don't want to be a new me, just a better me. It was brought to my attention that none of my BDSM relationships (or any relationship) had ever worked out, I decided it was time to do some reflection. It has been about 90 days since my last blog or really any activity on the Cage. I took time and really thought about what is going on with me.

 

REFLECTION. Boy, it's that the pits. People have called me superwoman for years. I overextend myself but always achieve success. For someone like me, I am compound stress connoisseur. If you are unfamiliar with compound stress, imagine it like this: any piece of stress, whether physical, psychological or emotional, you ignore. I purposefully keep myself in a high stress job and add to my responsibilities outside of work so that I am emotionally unavailable to anyone, including myself. This can be felt in physical ways, my left shoulder and neck always have tight muscles that are never released. I fight constant anxiety attacks. This is because the emotions I refuse to let myself feel, will make me feel them anyways. I suppose nature will always have its way!  

 

DISCONTENTMENT. My marriage has been a source of discontentment for years. I have been married 15 years, 5 of it I was truly unhappy, 10 of it  I was miserable, 14 of it I felt I made a mistake. I did what I have been wanting to do for years, I moved out and I'm filing for divorce. Since that has happened, two things have occurred. One, I finally feel free and relieved. I can live my life as I choose and I can make my own decisions. The second thing is, I am an emotional wreck! It never dawned on me he didn't want to be married to me (I always thought it was one sided). All the hurtful things he has done to me and all the hurtful things I have done to him weigh heavily on my mind. This has caused me to become, for lack of a better word, a recluse. 

 

THE RECLUSE. I have found that I am pushing people away. I've always held people at a distance, fearful of abandonment and acceptance. But now, it is unlikely I would share even the mundane parts of my day with anyone. I feel like I am an emotional whirlpool that is harmful to everyone. I find myself burying myself deeper in to my work and my children, thus begins the cycle of compound stress (again). I have people who are constantly asking how I am doing, not because they are concerned about how I am doing, but concerned on progress of the divorce and child support. I avoid the notifications on my phone, I avoid being in settings where I may have to have small talk with people. I am not myself...this is not me.

 

If we had spoken several months ago, you would have found me super outgoing, friendly and witty (probably came across as bratty). I'm intelligent. I like to challenge my mind. I like to be protected. I love being a baby girl. I love giving my troubles up to my Daddy. I love pleasing my Daddy. I miss subspace. I miss cathartic release. I miss playtime. I miss my titles. I want cuddles and cummies. I want spankings. I want a safe place for all of it. BUT...my fear is that I don't think I am a safe space for a Daddy. I feel like I am too wound up, a powder keg, a juggernaut.

 

Is it just me? Or do you feel it too?

DISCLAIMER: This is not an invitation to have anyone try to "take me on" or think I'm some sort of pet project.

11 months ago. Oct 12, 2019, 11:36 PM

Simply stated you needn't

Fall in love, be my light

You needn't take my hand

Determine my boundaries

Develop my strengths

Build upon my weakness

You needn't invest and be patient

Be my anchor or my savior

The rock which I throw myself upon

The guidance I need

No, you needn't.

But, don't you want to?

Don't you strive to find that perfect fit

The challenge of a mind

The cherish mouth of passion

To be with someone who you feel so deeply, you sense their energy, emotion and being no matter the distance.

No you needn't let go

Tear down your walls, open your heart.

But what if you did?

What if you gave yourself what you need, you never knew you could find?

What if you surrender to fate

Then....

You needn't ever to feel alone. 

 

 

1 year ago. Nov 29, 2018, 9:15 AM

Punishment. Babygirl. Brat. 

 

One more than one occassion, I have had people say to me something along the lines "since you are a babygirl, that must mean you are a brat." I would argue against that entirely. I am not bratty, I do not misbehave to get attention, positive or negative. 

 

Punishment is a word that strikes deep into my core. I know there are funishments which can range from flogging, spankings, edging and many more other  creative options. Then there are punishments that are more severe. Punishments can vary from physical to psychological. Any punishment I have recieved has always been psychological - abandoment or silence. These two ideas will send me over the edge, past the effectiveness of punishment. They create anxiety and fear. I imagine I am not alone here. I have recently had a thought regarding this.

 

Punishment is a sign of affection. If you were not being punished for doing wrong, does your Dom truly care? Determining punishment takes time, control and consideration. When my mind goes straight to punishment equals abandoment, I must recenter my thinking. It is hard. I have had this creeping anxiety within me for a long while. Perhaps you have too.

 

If you are like me and next time you are faced with punishment, look to see if your Dom is standing beside you. Breathe and know that his/her affection for you is emense and enduring. Show your affection towards your Dom by accepting their punishment without spinning out of control. It is a lesson to be learned not an action of destruction. 

1 year ago. Nov 19, 2018, 2:28 AM

It started small, a pinch in my chest, which meant it was just a thought that concerned me. It grew with each fleeting thought along with it. It grew, it became this monsterous thing...I couldn't even swallow. I don't dare share it because it would never be understood. I say to myself, this is not you. You don't do this. You have never done this. Your thoughts and fears are irrational. But yet here they are. 

 

This is where I have been broken...my mind, my thoughts, my feelings. As much as I have tried to repair them, it is not working. So tomorrow, I will begin again...trying to keep my alpha persona flaring to hide the crippling anxiety growing within me. 

 

I know how to fix this, I know what I need. I just won't give myself over to it. Submitting entirely, soley and without question.

1 year ago. Oct 7, 2018, 2:59 AM

Most people know what Stockholm Syndrome is. If by chance you may not, it is a syndrome were hostages form a psychological alliance with their captors. This causes them to defend the actions of the captors. In criminal cases, hostages will not press charges or testify. Now, let me apply this to what I feel these days.

I have loosely applied Stockholm Syndrome to myself. I have been hurt by a specific person, repeatively, and I defend their actions. I defend their words. I don't let people speak ill of this person. I saw a meme once that was like fuck her in a way that she will be ruined for anyone else...of course, I can't find it. That is what happened to me. I feel ruined. 

In the last week, I have heard things said to me that I cannot explain the depth of pain associated with it. Some of these things I needed to hear. I needed to look at myself in the mirror to review the pain I had caused...the destruction that occured due to my behavior. However, I lacked the ability to fire back. There were things he needed to see and hear. However, the only thing I could think of was: I didn't want to add to his pain, I wanted to help heal his pain so he can move on with his life. I listened. I acknowledged. I took responsibilty. IT HURT. 

I defended his pain and did not add mine to it. I defended his actions and denied his wrong doing. I did not have my pain acknowledged or vindicated. I defend his actions and words. I feel like a hostage to him and I don't know how to change that. 

Maybe this is the result of the power exchange. Maybe this is the result when you hand yourself over and melt together with someone. Maybe this is the true cost of submission for me. Maybe that is why submission is so hard for me.