the alpha pocket sub

2020 - New Year, New You...so that's what the email said from my boss yesterday. I don't like that statement, I don't want to be a new me, just a better me. It was brought to my attention that none of my BDSM relationships (or any relationship) had ever worked out, I decided it was time to do some reflection. It has been about 90 days since my last blog or really any activity on the Cage. I took time and really thought about what is going on with me.

REFLECTION. Boy, it's that the pits. People have called me superwoman for years. I overextend myself but always achieve success. For someone like me, I am compound stress connoisseur. If you are unfamiliar with compound stress, imagine it like this: any piece of stress, whether physical, psychological or emotional, you ignore. I purposefully keep myself in a high stress job and add to my responsibilities outside of work so that I am emotionally unavailable to anyone, including myself. This can be felt in physical ways, my left shoulder and neck always have tight muscles that are never released. I fight constant anxiety attacks. This is because the emotions I refuse to let myself feel, will make me feel them anyways. I suppose nature will always have its way!  

DISCONTENTMENT. My marriage has been a source of discontentment for years. I have been married 15 years, 5 of it I was truly unhappy, 10 of it  I was miserable, 14 of it I felt I made a mistake. I did what I have been wanting to do for years, I moved out and I'm filing for divorce. Since that has happened, two things have occurred. One, I finally feel free and relieved. I can live my life as I choose and I can make my own decisions. The second thing is, I am an emotional wreck! It never dawned on me he didn't want to be married to me (I always thought it was one sided). All the hurtful things he has done to me and all the hurtful things I have done to him weigh heavily on my mind. This has caused me to become, for lack of a better word, a recluse. 

THE RECLUSE. I have found that I am pushing people away. I've always held people at a distance, fearful of abandonment and acceptance. But now, it is unlikely I would share even the mundane parts of my day with anyone. I feel like I am an emotional whirlpool that is harmful to everyone. I find myself burying myself deeper in to my work and my children, thus begins the cycle of compound stress (again). I have people who are constantly asking how I am doing, not because they are concerned about how I am doing, but concerned on progress of the divorce and child support. I avoid the notifications on my phone, I avoid being in settings where I may have to have small talk with people. I am not myself...this is not me.

If we had spoken several months ago, you would have found me super outgoing, friendly and witty (probably came across as bratty). I'm intelligent. I like to challenge my mind. I like to be protected. I love being a baby girl. I love giving my troubles up to my Daddy. I love pleasing my Daddy. I miss subspace. I miss cathartic release. I miss playtime. I miss my titles. I want cuddles and cummies. I want spankings. I want a safe place for all of it. BUT...my fear is that I don't think I am a safe space for a Daddy. I feel like I am too wound up, a powder keg, a juggernaut.

Is it just me? Or do you feel it too?

DISCLAIMER: This is not an invitation to have anyone try to "take me on" or think I'm some sort of pet project.

Simply stated you needn't

Fall in love, be my light

You needn't take my hand

Determine my boundaries

Develop my strengths

Build upon my weakness

You needn't invest and be patient

Be my anchor or my savior

The rock which I throw myself upon

The guidance I need

No, you needn't.

But, don't you want to?

Don't you strive to find that perfect fit

The challenge of a mind

The cherish mouth of passion

To be with someone who you feel so deeply, you sense their energy, emotion and being no matter the distance.

No you needn't let go

Tear down your walls, open your heart.

But what if you did?

What if you gave yourself what you need, you never knew you could find?

What if you surrender to fate

Then....

You needn't ever to feel alone. 

Punishment. Babygirl. Brat. 

One more than one occassion, I have had people say to me something along the lines "since you are a babygirl, that must mean you are a brat." I would argue against that entirely. I am not bratty, I do not misbehave to get attention, positive or negative. 

Punishment is a word that strikes deep into my core. I know there are funishments which can range from flogging, spankings, edging and many more other  creative options. Then there are punishments that are more severe. Punishments can vary from physical to psychological. Any punishment I have recieved has always been psychological - abandoment or silence. These two ideas will send me over the edge, past the effectiveness of punishment. They create anxiety and fear. I imagine I am not alone here. I have recently had a thought regarding this.

Punishment is a sign of affection. If you were not being punished for doing wrong, does your Dom truly care? Determining punishment takes time, control and consideration. When my mind goes straight to punishment equals abandoment, I must recenter my thinking. It is hard. I have had this creeping anxiety within me for a long while. Perhaps you have too.

If you are like me and next time you are faced with punishment, look to see if your Dom is standing beside you. Breathe and know that his/her affection for you is emense and enduring. Show your affection towards your Dom by accepting their punishment without spinning out of control. It is a lesson to be learned not an action of destruction. 

It started small, a pinch in my chest, which meant it was just a thought that concerned me. It grew with each fleeting thought along with it. It grew, it became this monsterous thing...I couldn't even swallow. I don't dare share it because it would never be understood. I say to myself, this is not you. You don't do this. You have never done this. Your thoughts and fears are irrational. But yet here they are. 

This is where I have been broken...my mind, my thoughts, my feelings. As much as I have tried to repair them, it is not working. So tomorrow, I will begin again...trying to keep my alpha persona flaring to hide the crippling anxiety growing within me. 

I know how to fix this, I know what I need. I just won't give myself over to it. Submitting entirely, soley and without question.

Most people know what Stockholm Syndrome is. If by chance you may not, it is a syndrome were hostages form a psychological alliance with their captors. This causes them to defend the actions of the captors. In criminal cases, hostages will not press charges or testify. Now, let me apply this to what I feel these days.

I have loosely applied Stockholm Syndrome to myself. I have been hurt by a specific person, repeatively, and I defend their actions. I defend their words. I don't let people speak ill of this person. I saw a meme once that was like fuck her in a way that she will be ruined for anyone else...of course, I can't find it. That is what happened to me. I feel ruined. 

In the last week, I have heard things said to me that I cannot explain the depth of pain associated with it. Some of these things I needed to hear. I needed to look at myself in the mirror to review the pain I had caused...the destruction that occured due to my behavior. However, I lacked the ability to fire back. There were things he needed to see and hear. However, the only thing I could think of was: I didn't want to add to his pain, I wanted to help heal his pain so he can move on with his life. I listened. I acknowledged. I took responsibilty. IT HURT. 

I defended his pain and did not add mine to it. I defended his actions and denied his wrong doing. I did not have my pain acknowledged or vindicated. I defend his actions and words. I feel like a hostage to him and I don't know how to change that. 

Maybe this is the result of the power exchange. Maybe this is the result when you hand yourself over and melt together with someone. Maybe this is the true cost of submission for me. Maybe that is why submission is so hard for me.

Polaris, nests at the end of the handle of the Little Dipper. Called the Northern Star for being one of the brightest stars in the northern hemisphere. Used to guide so many for centuries, it a beacon in the night, like a compass. A strange fact about Polaris, it’s really the 50th brightest star, but that doesn’t matter here. Polaris is guidance and stability. Polaris is strong and reliable.

I often cannot find my way, I am typically lost. I will sit here and watch as others find their destinations. I watch as they go through their path in awe of their strength and resilience, they are their own Northern Star. My experiences say you should be my Polaris. You should be the guidance, stability, strength, and reliability in my life. You should bring me together, you should watch over me. I should be able to find you within me, shining brightly leading me to my fullest submission.

You are my Polaris. I offer myself to you. You need only lead me.

I have never been a fan of Pink Floyd, I actually dislike the song a lot. But for the last couple weeks I have been thinking about that pesky little thing: the wall, the emotional wall. I have a crazy imagination and visually see mine made of pieces of brick, glass, metal, rebar and cement. Some pieces are loose; some are in there so tight, I don’t know if they will ever be moved. I see it between you and me. I see it building and it scares me. I am helpless to stop it.

I’m in the throws of my master’s program which will lead me to research insistently. So naturally, I’ve been formulating my thoughts on the wall for a bit. Researching why, how and what to do. I read an interesting article that talked about four reasons emotional walls are built: control, defense mechanism, living in the past and legitimate pains (I’m struggling not to cite my source in APA format, right now). Vulnerability, vulnerability, vulnerability, vulnerability. That’s what I read.

So, I hand my bricks to you, breaking down my wall for you.  You hand your bricks to me, lowering the distance between us, trusting each other.  Together, we build a wall around us. Together we build a fortress for us. We protect each other, trust each other. Neither is stronger than the other as we each build strength in each other. As I had each brick to you, I believe you will take my vulnerability and make is something beautiful as I you. Beauty is between us, not for others to judge.

Ultimate tensile strength is the maximum stress a material is able to withstand. Ultimate tensile strength refers to any amount of stress such as pulling or pushing. Interestingly enough this theory of construction applies to the lifestyle of BDSM. My immediate thoughts regarding ultimate tensile strength went to limits within BDSM, upon reflection, they extended. Ultimate tensile strength is all the aspects of life pulling at oneself. How do you increase ultimate tensile strength? Strength building metals, for example, requires temperature treatments and even the creation of alloys. Of course, this is crude explanation.

I can only write to you about my ultimate tensile strength. It has been explained to me that I am a type: an alpha submissive. I take on the world. I am aggressive and often referred to as intimidating. For all intents and purposes, I am a dominant woman. I like feeling empowered! Being an alpha sub does not mean I am not submissive or that I am difficult. My alpha is a barrier to protect myself from my environmental factors; I often feel as if I am extremely vulnerable being an alpha. I hide my submissive needs and characteristics for most of the day; it breaks me down little by little. I know I will break. I know I will fall apart. 

I fall hard into my submissive role. I want and need the things that make me feel safe (more than I want to admit). I like to be called by my title, the one that stops my madness and centers my day. I want to call you your title, that one that makes me feel secure. Test my limits, push me to be more, do more, try harder. Add to me, give me knowledge, challenge my mind. Tell me when I'm doing well, tell me that I'm patient. If I'm wrong, correct me. Let me serve you, use me, let me please you, let me be yours. Hear me when I say my strength is only built from you.

Alloy metals are a combination of metals that on their own can only yield a certain strength. Combine metals with contrasting attributes and something strong, desired, wanted, utilized. Each day, add to me, help me to continue build my strength. I am not weak, but I am stronger with you. I am better with you.