A submissive's sanctuary

Thank you to all who have commented, read, and/or enjoyed my writings....this is my passion to never give up. These are works of art straight from my heart and they all hold a lesson, a memory, or gratitude for those I have served. I hope that through my writings, people can see the true heart of a submissive and maybe even get some strength from them. Sometimes we need to hear that we are not alone. We are human and feelings are real. I hope that my service, my love and my  struggles come through so that there may be an understanding of what we seek, desire, provoke, in ourselves and the partners in our dynamics. 

she was His good girl. she enjoyed pleasing and obeying Him. The problem is, she is always in a lustful state of mind. her body craves, wants and needs pleasure.

This particular week, she was not permitted to masturbeeing her Sate as she was Sir over the weekend and that was her order...her only one at that. she became overwhelmed with greed and her wanton lust overrode her ability to be a good girl and she no longer could control the impulses that ran through her body like electricity.

she went to her toys and pulled out her magic wand. If anything could manifest an amazing orgasm this was it. she thought of His strong hands as the apparatus was strategically placed between her legs. An intense wave flashed over her body, and she began to moan while the passion increased. her body started trembling. her breath intermittently lost on the verge of pleasure. she wanted to stop because she was told that this was not permissible. she had direct orders, but her lustful greed took over. All she could think about was missing Him and how good He would feel in this moment. she thought of His touch, His smell, His eyes grazing her as He destroyed her and made her His own. Then it hit, an orgasm so hard that all thoughts were consumed as a wave of juices started drooling down her inner thigh. her mouth dry and her breath shallowing, she started drifting off into a much needed slumber.

As if He knew, her phone pinged an incoming message. He messaged her to call. she managed to roll over to grab her phone and in that moment, she feel nothing but a strong guilt and disappointment for her lapse in judgment.

As soon as the conversation began, it ended. The verbal repentance of her wrong doing began as she begged for forgiveness....then the phone disconnected. she knew she had upset Him. "Why didn't I control myself" she asked herself over and over as a tear rolled down her cheek. Seconds seemed like minutes before she heard her bedroom door open with force and hit the wall.

He stood there in the dark. I could feel the glare of his eyes burning through my skin. "Sir, i am sorry" she muffled her words. I know little one, and you have no idea how sorry you will be. You were given illict instructions. I don't ask for much and you were purposely disobedient my horny girl...were you not?" i tried to turn my head away but He grabbed my face so that i looked Him directly in the face. "Answer", He demanded. "Yes Sir, i am s...."

"Get on your back and offer yourself to me now", His voice echoed. i laid there with my arms and legs spread as he began to restrain them to each corner. i had no idea what was on His mind. He was calm, collected and in control. Hid dominance clearly at play but He did not appear mad or aggressive...just firm and demanding.

i went to apologize again and he place a finger over my lips as he straddled my body. He gently wiped the tears that had fallen down my face and He kissed my forehead. "My sweet girl. I understand that you are not perfect but I expect you to listen. I am not going to punish you but I do need to teach you a lesson in obedience. Do you understand?"

"Yes Sir?" It came off more as a question then an answer.

"Here, let me clarify this to you. Since you could not refrain from touching my property, I am going to make this explosive for you so that you may be satiated in a way that you will think twice before you again want to be impulsive and disobedient. I do not want to hear and bitching nor do i want to hear any complaints, Do I make myself clear"?

A whispered, "yes Sir" escapes my mouth as my thoughts turn to fears of the unknown. One would think lying here vulnerable and embarrassed for mymshort comings would be enough...but never for Sir. He had something more devious in mind.

He reached into His bag and pulled out a blindfold and placed it around my head. my body started to shiver. He then places 2 fingers in my mouth and I hungrily fed on them for a matter of seconds before He pried them from my mouth. i could smell the scent of Him as my senses were heightened by the absence of my sight. He rolled His fingers down to my entrance. The wetness still lingering as with the scent of my lust from my escapade earlier. He inserted them until they were wet and then moistened His clit with them which made me jump. I heard him pull something from his bag and then i felt something enclosing the area between my legs and i shifted my body due to the coldness of the appliance. A swift "don't move" immersed from His mouth. He attached a pussy pump to me. i stopped moving and anticipated the torture that was about to be inflicted. All of the sudden, the suction took hold of my clitoris and pulled it in and out of its hood. It hurt as He adjusted the suction and then it burned. i knew better than to say a word but my facial expressions gave it away. Sir moved up to a pillow beside me, "good girl". "I know this is not always going to be pleasant but you will learn that I mean what I say and that there will be consequences to your actions".

He kissed my lips gently and wiped more tears from my cheeks.

"Now, what do you feel between those lovely legs of yours? You may speak freely".

i could not lie, "it is uncomfortable Sir. Sometimes a sharp pinch but the pull is painful".

"Who do you belong to?" He asked as I could His warm breath on my neck.

"You Sir, i belong to You".

"Do you trust me little one?"

"Yes Sir", i managed to get out through the intense pain.

"That's my good girl. Will you disobey me again"?

"i will do my best not to Sir". i wasn't about to say it would never happen again because i know better than to lie to Him.

"Good answer" he stated. "I am now going to turn your torment up to the next level. I can guarantee it will hurt. I want you to know this is for your good and your training. I'm not angry with you...."

i try to hold back the tears that come much quicker now. "I'm so sorry Sir".

He kisses my lips once more and as His tongue enters my mouth a pain shoots between my legs, my thighs now trembling from it. i cry out, but no one hears me. Sir reaches down and grabs my breasts pinching my nipples as my body rocks back and forth trying to find any comfort i can.

"Yes, my good girl. Take the pain and the pleasure I give you and thank me for it".

"Thank you Sir" i cry out. "Fuck it hurts so much Sir". He presses the button again this time causing an intermittently harder suction but His pussy starts pulsating and i begin to feel orgasms that don't stop coming. i am sensitive to every little movement on my clit.

"Are you coming"? He asked.

"Yes Sir" I pant out.

"Does my good girl feel the torment and pain"?
"Y...yes Sir"
"I want you to remember this pain because next time I promise you that it will be worse. Do I make myself clear"?
"OH God"! i feel like I'm losing my mind.
"Sir is sufficient" he mocks with a smile on His face. "Tell me what you're feeling girl".
"i hurt and i need to pee Sir."
"That's not happening until we're done here" he grins maliciously. "And if you urinate on yourself you will lick it up. After that you will be punished".
He is enjoying this way too much.
The area between my legs let off an excruciating pain and i feel numb. i can feel my pussy...His pussy....pulsating between the suctioning.
"Please fuck me Sir" i plead.
"I see you still haven't learned that I do what I want if and when you deserve it".
Once again the pump gets turned up.
"Damn it!" i blurted out.
He presses the button again, this time the pain sends me through the roof.
"Want to say anything else girl?"
"No Sir" i cry.
"I didn't think so". "You have 5 minutes. If you are good, your lesson will come to an end". He walked out the door and left me with what thoughts i could muster with.
After what seems like an eternity, Sir comes back in. He once again kisses my forehead. "You are my treasure". All suction then ceases. He releases me so that i can use the bathroom and get cleaned up. He motions me back to bed.
"You will not get fucked tonight, but I will lay with you until you fall asleep".
i didn't expect anything after my transgression but just to lay beside my Sir and be able to listen to His heartbeat as i drifted off was so generous of Him.

A submissive does not ask to be Yours as she should not be that arrogant...

she is Yours once she offers herself and kneels at Your feet.

she knows her worth and will wait for You to decide to officially make her Yours.

A submissive does what she is told...to the best of her ability

she will require Your feedback if You are not satisfied. she cannot read Your mind.

A submissive will open herself up to You...

she will go beyond and surpass her limits to live for You. she will endure the pain and pleasure for through these things she has a purpose. 

A submissive will subject herself to emotions that she must contain because she knows her boundaries. she knows she is just an owned commodity. 

A submissive needs to be needed. Without this need, she grows weary and gets lost. For this, she will always need You and Your guidance. 

A submissive needs to look into Your eyes...

she needs to see that You truly care and she needs to see if she delights You if only for her own reassurance. 

A submissive needs to be a strong warrior. she needs to be able to withstand Your storm, Your treacherous waters, and Your wrath so that she does not drown but she gets consumed by You. she will expect You to take her breath away and breathe new life into her under Your will and command. 

A submissive will respect You and thank You at all times and for all things wicked or not. For all the pain and pleasure. For all the direction and redirection. For all of the smiles and tears. 

For You....her Master and dominant....know what she needs before she does.

she is frozen in time as she stands in her corner free of the chains that she once proudly wore. for one day, she wore His collar until the next day when it no longer meant what it should. those words that were spoken broke her heart and spirit that day and has had a profound effect on her insecurities. she feels vulnerable and ousted by her own hands and blames only herself. She knew this day was inevitable, but what she didn't expect is the profound effect it would have on her. She has been unleashed by her own conscious decision. She tried to subside the pain that was in His eyes, only to destroy herself in the process. her purpose has always been to put Him first and to make His life easier. A promise she kept. Now, she tries to manage a wrenching hole in her heart that aches beyond imagine. she waits and holds on to a hope that never existed. she finds herself angry (at herself) over that which could have been avoided.

she feels ashamed and unwanted and the dark is now her home again. she knows that this is her life, the life she chose but it never gets easier. she is left with an emptiness and sadness that overwhelms her soul and takes control. She is left with memories that imprison and hold her whole being captive. An unrelenting torment that she can not run from. Its a pain like no other. she now has to save herself because no one is going to do it for her...she is alone.

He was her world, for whom she lived to serve, honor and obey. she opened her soul and innermost feelings to Him. she does not know that man any longer. His eyes no longer danced and the way he looked at her when they were together....has been erased. His smile can no longer be found. His words dictated by demons and He is unrecognizable to her. His words guarded by His own fears and by His own making. His laughter never to be heard again. His body, forever etched into her mind, will not be erased. His strong hands that embraced her head will never be forgotten. she reaches for Him and the peace He once gave her in the middle of the night...He no longer can be found there, so she closes her eyes to find Him. Each passing day His silence gets stronger and the distance gets wider. she hates this, the not knowing what is to come of this bond, the friendship that developed between them. "Has she lost Him forever?" she wonders. she wonders what will become of her secrets, her deepest thoughts..."will He protect those"? she can only hope that the trust she gave Him, stays with Him for she does not open up or trust easily.

What she does know, the only thing she knows....is that if He can never again be His authentic self and unguarded around her, it can never be again and she must leave it in the past. she must leave Him in the past. she is torn up inside and cries at the thought. she cries because the magic they shared was undeniable, unexplainable. They had connected and her submission, intertwined with His dominance, manifested into something so amazingly beautiful. she cries because she failed by the hands of another. she cries because she misses Him, He was her everything, the very essence of her being. He was her Dominant and her friend.

she knows that if and whenever He needs her, she shall be there with open arms. she has nothing but respect and adoration for Him. she knows that now, she needs to grieve the loss of Him and the memories that take her breath away...she knows that she needs to protect herself once again, putting up her walls higher and stronger than before. she cements herself in, giving up the battle waging inside her heart and head vanquishing all her thoughts, feelings and subtle nuances. she succubs to the blows that were given her.

she lay in her nakedness, no glory, no resurrection of what she once was. she has been damaged but will not understand the extent of that until she can find herself again. she has to find a way to forgive but she will never forget. she has learned a lesson and for that she will be grateful. she learned that she is worthy of someone/something better, someone who deserves all she has to give without judgement or insinuations. she is worthy of one who will take her submission and her heart, hold it close and protect it, never to take it for granted or destroy it.

This once vibrant, flourishing angel has cemented herself in, encased in a protective barrier not knowing if she will ever trust again or let anyone in.  she is brokenhearted. she will shed her tears taking responsibility for them
until there is nothing left but numbness and emptiness. As she begins to drift off, she remembers how He used to be. she knows that He will forever have a special place in her heart and for the very last time....she whispers, "Thank you Sir".

she will slowly regain the quietness of her soul as she waits for the one who can free her of this deep dejection bestowed upon her.

One will never know how profoundly an effect a D/s relationship can have on the people involved. There are good times and then not so good times. It's a process of learning and making mistakes along the way. It's about respect, adoration, love and communication even if it fails. It is difficult when anything beautiful has to come to an end. we must not let it define us (submissives/slaves), but we still need to grieve in our own way and we will. we just cannot let that grief consume us. Take time to yourself and regroup. you and i are worthy of happiness in the sweetest form called submission. Perhaps it just wasn't meant to be? we cannot let it destroy our trust for another if that is to be our destiny.
Just remember this...our gift of submission is beautiful in the hands of the right person. Wait for it and don't give it away so freely. Do not let anyone destroy beautiful memories. Hold them close to your heart for they are sacred, they are yours and NO ONE can ever take those away from you

Love ❤️ to all going through a hard time.
~Bella

And then one day she woke up...
She was broken 💔
Her pain manifested from hurt and disillusion
The sparkle in her eyes gone without a trace
The joy she expelled, now a distance memory
Unbeknownst to her, her fate was determined long ago but she never thought it would be you.
The equivocation in his words made her believe again just to have her world fall apart like it has so many times before.
She cannot escape such paradoxical thoughts of who she was and who she is
Her desires diminished without hope in sight
She finally admits defeat in a ruthless world as her soul was stolen in reckless reverie
She watches as the glass around her shatters and you silently watch from the comfort of your surroundings.
She screams out begging for mercy but no one listens, no one is there to stop the madness.
No one cares about the price she had paid, not once....but twice.
She falls to her knees as silence from the storm passes. She is tattered and torn lying naked in a pool of blood beneath her.
She lies motionless as she chokes on her own liquid
She feels nothing, she hungers no more
Her mind has ceased its racing, she expects or wants for nothing. Time has stopped....and so has she.

January 31st, 2024

She falls into the sea from the sky

with broken wing and soul to die

Up from the waves she crashes upon shore

   full of hope and happiness no more

She gazes into the moon as she transcends

   tears glistening in the moonlight

like bright diamonds

Tears flowing like the waterfall before her

  Her moans of pain radiate a blur

The distraut winds carry her cries into the night

  stirring up a dreadful fright

A gasp beyond the universe

  her fate, now her curse

Her soul uprooted to never know

  pain burnt into a flesh ever slow

A reflection in the sea tells of her story

  both madness and sadness in all of

its glory

A tear stained face, tattered and worn

  her feathers dismantled, her scales

now torn

A heart slowly beating

  A mind barely fleeting

Her voice no longer echos her once beautiful song

  Amidst the sky and the sea where

does she belong?

She no longer trust in those who surround her

  for time and again disappointment

has stirred

A love that she had freely given

A love bruised and never forgiven

Forget her name, forget her face

  she just lived in your memory, now

gone without a trace

You broke her heart and shred it to pieces

  your words cut like a knife in all of

its creases

Hold her close in your memory, a girl hard to forget

There will not be another like her, in

Your mind let that set

Do not seek that which you vaguely remember     

  for she is not to be found again...

ever.

He took his place on his knees and looked lovingly into my eyes. The sun was coming in through the windows at just the perfect angle, I knew my eyes were sparkling a glow of greenish amber. I felt sultry and sexy in this moment, knowing this man, on his knees before me, was all mine. I felt like there was another presence and energy that came over me and possessed my body, my soul. I was certainly bolder than normal in this place. I let him take me right there without any hesitation or second thoughts.

He gently began kissing my exposed legs from my ankles up, then grabbed my waist and kissed away any hesitation my body was exuding. There wasn’t much, but in that moment when his tongue gingerly touched the inside of my thigh, ecstasy took over, and I gave in to every pleasure he was about to evoke.

His tongue was warm and wet, and I braced myself against the wall and let him have full control at this moment, within these unknown but familiar walls of the abandoned mansion we happened to stumble upon. Almost like it was calling out to us. It was calling to me, whispering my name while this man set me free.

TM2023

she wonders...how can she tell if a Dominant is right for her? she will always naturally submit to a Dominant. That is who she is and what she does. It's not only out of duty, but out of respect for those above her. It will be determined at any given time if that particular Dominant is deserving or not. The gift of submission should not be given away so freely.

So, how does she know if she finds the "right one" or the "one" for that matter? she can vet for however long she chooses or until it feels natural and "right". Vetting can take days, weeks, months...don't just settle for something that appears "perfect". There is no perfect in this world....but deception can be hidden under that perfection that you see in your eyes.

i am naturally submissive, i use honorifics as a "respect" for any Dominant. It doesn't mean that i am going to be that Dominants submissive by any means.
i do find myself wondering.....how does one know that a Dominant is right for them besides the obvious vetting and spending time/sharing space together (not necessarily in a sexual way either) to determine if there is easy communication, a mutual attraction, some common ground.

Can one just feel how right it is? i have been a submissive for over 20 years and yet i still have to ask. i, like most everyone, have been in dynamics that i thought would be a great fit. They ended up horribly. So much for my intuition right? Things i have learned through this process are:

1. Never assume someone calling themselves a Dominant is a true Dominant.
2. Always vet and don't do it quickly. Ask the tough questions. Never compromise your wants and needs (any dynamic takes 2 people).
3. Be aware of red flags. Some are easy to recognize whether it be a sinking feeling in your gut, be in a flat out disrespect of you or your limits, or it can be how someone talks about their previous submissives. Some are not so recognizable.
4. Good things comes to those who wait and persevere. The Dominant you need will find you through your true self.
5. I have learned to try to have patience through the process (i am not a patient woman)
6. Don't use insecurities as an excuse to not be vulnerable and try new things.
7. Don't let anyone define your beauty. 8. Don't let society make you feel that you are not worthy. Beauty is how a Dominant looks at you and calls you "good girl". Beauty is found in the beholders eyes. Let them dictate how they see you and then try to see yourself the way they do.
9. There are no guarantees in this life. We cannot expect a perfect world without flaws like we cannot expect things will always work out like we want them to. The key here is to just go with the flow naturally and hope for the best but expect some bumps in the road.

10. Have no expectations at the beginning of vetting. You are there to learn and determine if there is a connection.
11. Pay attention to red flags! This could be in the form of insults, mental abuse, aggressive behavior, not being able to speak without being shut down. Please listen to what your intuition/gut is telling you. It could be a blessing in disguise.
Submission is supposed to bring peace and not destruction.
12. MOST IMPORTANTLY! If you are questioning anything, take heed of that and realize this dynamic may not be for you. Simply count your blessings and move on.

i personally struggle with wondering if i am a good enough submissive (even though i know deep down i am). i struggle with wondering if i am pretty enough or if i am smart enough. We can not know what a true Dominants like or perception is until we meet them. we hope and pray that we are simply enough.

i have been vetting a new Dominant for over 5 weeks now. i am not ashamed to say that i have been doing this cautiously. i have asked questions...so many i am always afraid to ask more....but He welcomes them and he answers them within an appropriate time frame. i think He could be the one...how can i know for certain? He says all the right things. He takes time to hear what i have to say and how i feel about things. He encourages communication. He enjoys my sarcasm (which is not disrespectful by any means). He encourages me to be my authentic self and nothing less of that. He lives by 24/7 Dominance and submission and He knows what he wants. I have seen Him and He has seen me through video. W/e have spoke on the phone multiple times.

i have been thinking about so many senarios. i have been thinking if i have covered all my bases and asked all that i needed to. W/e are preparing to meet and "spend space together" just to determine the compatibility and get to know each other. You can learn so much by social interaction and how others react to those around you. i am overly estatic about the meet but with trying to remember that there are no guarantees. i am feeling pretty good but only time will really tell if it is sustainable and "right". Just the other day, i was alone with my thoughts and realized that when i am in this mans presence, i would absolutely fall to my knees in front of Him. i am drawn to His presence and what He stands for. He makes me smile. i am choosing to get on my knees and submit, it won't be forced or demanded. Will He be the "one"? How will i know?

What i do know is that He has brought a passion back into my world. One that was extinguished for some time now. He has given me a chance once again to believe in something i thought was dead. He has brought back my hope in people. He has made me realize that all the wanna be Dominants i had were not worthy of my service or my submission. i know that i am deserving of something better....
But how will i know?

So as i go through my writings and post them, I go through a multifacet of emotions.  i get very sad or for a brief moment a smile curls across my face. my sadness comes from the absence of a dynamic in a lifestyle that i treasure.

i look back and see all the experiences i have had and the joy they have brought me. i desire to have all that back. But through many disappointments, i struggle with continuing on and then without notice, something pulls me back in...the need for discipline (without it i do not maintain proper head space), the desire to service (the answer is always "yes Sir") and the want to give that to someone so deserving of my submission. For being a submissive, i need to have and fulfill that purpose for without it i am nothing. 

So, where do i go from here? How do i find the perfect Master for me? i am not perfect by any means, no one is. But i desire to learn to be/do what a Dominant wants and needs before He does. 

i am "old school" submissive.  i am respectful, obedient and playful...but not demanding nor am i a spoiled brat.

i am independent, yet i know my place is at a mans feet. if my Dominant is out there, and i believe He is, i am waiting patiently for You to find me.

i  know i am not alone here. Someday it just feels like.

💛bella

He weighs on her mind every waking second
she longs to give herself freely
Time passes slowly and she tries to distract
herself from the thoughts that never end
is she everything He is looking for?
is her expectation of Him what she has imagined?

she needs to take in His essence
He has become the drug she yearns for
she cannot explain this hold he has on her
all she knows is that it binds her together
what will He ask of her?
how far will she let herself go?

she longs to serve and obey
she lives for moments like these
her mind, soul and body never in opposition
desire drenches every inch of her
will he see it in her eyes?
will she let her guard down and become vulnerable?

she envisions beautiful submission
she needs His strong hands and Dominance
she shall show Him what He has been missing
she will not be perfect but hopefully be perfect for Him
will He accept her, take her as His own?
how easily will she accept her fate?

April 13th