No Crown

Reflecting on this year, I feel pride and contentment. I've accomplished quite a lot. I moved into my own place for the first time in my life, I finalized my divorce, I did a lot of inner work on myself and personal growth, found peace and happiness in my submission, I gained several new friends in the local kink community and even started a new group for consistent socializing, I got engaged, I got a raise at work, I was able to provide a decent Christmas for my kids all on my own, I've built some savings, and the future is looking bright. There were a few negatives to the year, but I choose not to dwell on those. Overall it's been a pretty great year. Here's to an even better 2026!

Daddy asked me to marry him a couple weeks ago. It took me by surprise, even though we'd talked about marriage being in our future, in the moment I didn't see it coming. It took a moment to process but I am so happy and want to spend the rest of my life with him, God willing. He is my calm, my peace, my compass, my understanding, and my safe place. We are going to the courthouse next Friday to make it official 😁

In other news, a friend of mine and I decided to start anything new local BDSM group in our area. That has been going well so far. There was a group in the past, but late last year a co-leader passed away and it kind of crumbled from there, as the other co-leader did not wish to continue without her(understandable). Since then there has only been the PLACATE group which is only for Bigs/littles/caregivers/pets/owners. Which I have very much enjoyed events through and made friends, but will be nice to have a broader spectrum group to socialize with as well. The first munch for the new group is in a few weeks so I am very much looking forward to it. 

That's about all the updates I have for now. Until next time! 🙂

I have been working on using my words. It hasn't always been easy. I have to really hype myself up to do it, mostly just when it's either a question I'm afraid of the answer to or if it's expressing negative feelings. In my previous marriage, doing this always resulted in it being flipped on me and being yelled at, often for hours on end. It was never safe to do so. I would have to build up the courage and then when I did, it was met with anger and being gaslit into believing I was the problem. In my current relationship, I had been holding onto a couple negative feelings for months, holding them back hoping it would go away but they didn't, just kept eating at me and being upset with myself for not expressing myself at the time. I swore when I left my ex that any future relationships I'd be as honest as possible, whether good or bad, and the right person would appreciate it rather than punish me for it. I was mad at myself for not keeping that promise. I finally found the courage to bring it up last weekend. I told him I had feelings to share and to make sure I shared them, to hold me accountable so I could chicken out. He suggested I write it down, which I did and it helped me organize my thoughts and make sure I wouldn't forget anything the next time I saw him. The weekend came and he asked me to share. I was hesitant to, but only because he'd had a rough week and I didn't want to make it worst knowing my feelings were bad feelings. I asked if I could save it for another time but he insisted I get it over with regardless. So, I did. Very apprehensively, but I did it. I read what I'd written. It made him feel bad, but he heard me out, recognized his missteps, and apologized. We both cried a little. But it was necessary. I got to get out what had been bugging me, and he got to prove he is my safe space to share my honest feelings without fear of repercussions. Which in my heart I already knew he was. It's just me still unlearning past expectations and rewiring my brain to be more communicative in a healthy way. I'm still a work in progress, but I thank God I have been blessed with somebody who has emotional intelligence and empathy to where I can feel safe to work on these things within myself, even when it's directed towards him. Since last weekend, I have not thought about these things since (up until decided I wanted to write a blog tonight lol). Lesson well learned. I can see myself likely still struggling with this going forward, but I will not allow it to ruminate for so long before addressing it. Confronting it is freeing. I'm upset with myself for not using my words so much sooner; I'd been sitting on this negativity for months and it could have been dealt with immediately and done with. Silly me. 😄 

I have a frustrating situation. While doing the shadow work workbook I have, there was a section about communicating with my Little. I found this to be one of the more challenging parts of the book(I have almost completed it). I keep coming to the conclusion that I know how to BE my little self as I am now. But I don't know how to communicate to that past version of myself, like, at all. It wanted me to talk to her and listen to her response. It was awkward trying to talk to her/ask questions, and I felt no response. It's like I really don't know her. And I'm not sure how to rectify or reconcile that. Maybe I don't really need to but I am sure it would be healing if I could. I'm jealous of those who can. Any words of wisdom on this subject?

The teasing, the back talk, the saracasm...

Comes to a stop when he says "When Daddy wants your pussy, he'll TAKE that pussy"

🤤

All that's left to say is "Yes, Daddy". 

I love it. I feed off it. I go CRAZY for it. 

I love the foreplay, the joking, the bullshitting, the bratting, the poking, the antagonizing--but when it comes down to it, I belong to Him, my body belongs to Him, His desires come before mine. But, His pleasure comes from my pleasure, and mine comes from His; which is why we mesh so damn well. The authority he has over me, how he drives me utterly WILD. 

I recently got a beginner's shadow work workbook, and have been doing it (mostly) consistently for 2 weeks now. I know I'd heard and been told it may not be easy, but man, I didn't think I'd be crying while doing it. It really forces you to confront yourself, your past, your ego, ect. 

I am enjoying it and also having a hard time with it. I know that's probably part of the point. To face the parts of you that are hard to acknowledge or that you have suppressed. I'm going to continue the journey and see how I feel it may have changed me/my outlook when done with this journal before deciding if I will take on another. 

How to heal from past trauma and move forward in a healthy relationship. I am trying to teach myself this. Sometimes it feels like I'm going against all my instincts, and often instincts are generally not to be ignored but I have to trust my logical side this time. I know much of my "instincts" are fully based on how I had to learn to adapt and survive in a long term mentally, emotionally, financially, and occasionally physically abusive relationship. It takes time to rewire the brain after 15 years of being treated like a brainless worm, not capable of making good decisions, not knowing what is best for me and my life, told I'm the narcissist and having everything flipped on me. The irony, The vast majority of decisions he pushed on me were purely for his own benefit, to keep me down and dependent on him, to be his maid and nanny. The only bad decision I made was staying with him and often believing he had my best interest and the interest of our family at heart, when really it was all about him being superior. I had to learn to adapt, to harden myself when being yelled at, shrink when I was overwhelmed by frustration by the hypocrisy and his ever changing rules that may be one way one day, and the opposite the next, and told I'm heartless and stupid for not following the new expectations when I was never told they had changed. How many nights I would spend hours crying while being screamed at, berated, belittled, how many nights I would get up while he was sleeping to go scream and cry into a pillow in the next room to let it out in private, in peace, wishing nothing more than that I could just disappear and no longer exist because I felt I didn't deserve to exist. If I made this person's life so bad, I would be better off eliminating myself. At one point, I came dangerously close to following through. I had letters written. I had a plan in place. I had thought it out fully. Thankfully, I was able to talk myself off that ledge. And that, that was the point when my perspective began to change. I realized I could not put him above my mental health. I had to stand up for myself and I deserve to be more than a door mat. Life is too short as it is, and I would not allow him to, unbeknownst to him, convince my children's mother to take her life leaving them with no barrier from him. I began arguing back. I called out hypocrisy when I saw it. I started doing things I enjoyed regardless of his opinions. Yes, this lead to more fighting. But I was crying less and less. I began to become indifferent to his anger rather than reactive. I was more easily able to maintain composure. I was tired of giving him what seemed to be some kind of satisfaction of seeing me lying on the floor sobbing uncontrollably, sometimes for hours. I faltered at times, but I was becoming stronger by putting up tall walls. It still took several years, but I steadily grew the backbone I needed to leave for good. And I did. After leaving, my world flipped upside down in the best way possible. No longer was I obligated to listen to his rantings. No longer did I have to tolerate his fits of rage. No longer did I have to walk on eggshells for fear of disrupting the fragile temporary peace. Life was calm; for the most part. I still had to communicate with his about the kids, and the divorce. At times I felt I was being beaten, and like I should give up fighting for anything left. That it wasn't worth the argument. But things changed and I finally had enough and got a lawyer, and then a protection order. Now, with the divorce still pending but (hopefully) to be finalized in less than a month, and the house about to go on the market to be sold, I am so close to being able to have that entire sad, chaotic chapter on my life behind me. 

Amidst the separation, I discovered the world of BDSM, and met my Daddy. We have been seeing eachother going on 8 months now. The night and day difference between what I went through before is unreal. This man loves me for the authentic me. I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not in fear of being shamed or yelled at to force me into submission. I don't have to walk on eggshells. We are able to communicate, and instead of getting emotional and unruly, have calm conversations. He helps me. He encourages me to be the best version of myself in every way. I have never felt so loved, so seen, so accepted, so safe.

And yet, as the saying goes, the body keeps the score. I still often find myself scared; scared of hurting his feelings, scared of making him mad, scared of asking questions, scared to ask for help, scared to make a choice he won't like. My body tenses up, my jaw clenches, and braces for the worst. And he has done nothing to invoke these fears, I know, it is all because of what I was used to for so long. Retaliation in the form of heavy verbal abuse is all I knew for 15 years. I know it will take time yet for me to unlearn that. But also consious effort to recognize when I am being unlogical, and I have to hype myself up to an extent just to be who I am, show my true self, ask the questions, admit I need help, being plainly honest, share my feelings and worries, etc. Things nobody should have to struggle with, for the most part. Things I am still working through but I am proud of myself for doing the internal work. I hope one day I can allow myself to just let go without having to think about it, to just know whatever happens, things will be okay, even in the hard times. That in time, I am simply safe, without having to stop and ask myself that first. 

Freedom in submission. Surely we have all heard this before. To most people outside this lifestyle, it is an oxymoron. And taken at face value, it is easy to draw that conclusion. But as most of us in it know, the point is that in the submissive's position, it is how we let go, how we get to cast away our anxiety by allowing another to take the reigns and do the steering for us, whether that be in our every day lives 24/7, just a scene, or somewhere in the middle. We do what works for us in our own dynamics. Finding that balance can be tricky when starting out, as I learned when I entered this world last year. My first, short-lived dynamic was essentially 24/7; being new and naive, and going through what's called sub-frenzy, I did not know much about the process and how to negotiate, or how many different types of dynamics existed, or what kind would be best for me. I was eager to try it all. The first Dom I entered into a dynamic with was experienced, but experience doesn't always equal good. Now, he was not necessarily a bad guy, or to the point of many "fake" Doms. He had a certain level of respect and understanding. But, what he failed to do was go over what he expected of me before asking to be exclusive. I found out over the few weeks we were together that he essentially wanted a slave, and did not like brats. Which, on our first meeting I did tell him I was a bit of a brat. That right there should have been enough for him to decipher that this wasn't a good match. I think he had just been without a sub for so long that he was willing to overlook it and over the weeks we were together, he would get upset when I bratted, and in these instances I was not consciously bratting, I was just being myself which is a playful and joking. As my current Dom knows, there is a difference between me playing around as just part of my personality, and intentionally bratting with a purpose. When we first met we did go over things like safe words and limits, but that was about the extent of it. To be fair, I did express that I was open to almost anything as I was still trying to learn my likes/dislikes, however, again, I was ignorant to how dynamics worked as a whole. I wasn't even aware 24/7 TPE dynamics were a thing. But I soon found out as the days went on, that is what he wanted. Which should have definitely been explained to me as a brand new sub before asking for my submission. Over the few weeks, he would start giving me orders, daily tasks, and even demanding I do things while at work at the drop of a dime and if I didn't comply would be upset with me. By the third week or so, I realized this was causing me much stress and anxiety and is not what I wanted, and so I ended the dynamic, much to his displeasure. He urged me to reconsider, but I would not. It was clear to me by that point he expected that he would be able to mold me into the type of submissive he wanted, and not what I was comfortable with. Even if he would have been willing to bend, I knew he would not be happy with me fully, and I want my partner to be as happy with me as I am with them. And besides all that, while we generally got along, I did not feel a strong chemistry on a personal level. It just was not a good match, and you would think being in the lifestyle as long as him he would have understood that from the jump. Anyway, that made me rethink things a little, as I started wondering if that is simply what a D/s relationship is; Master/slave. I found this site, and learned there are many different ways to have a BDSM centered relationship. Therefore, I continued my search for the right one for me. I talked with many Doms over the following weeks, had some interesting conversations, and found my heading. I learned things I liked and didn't like through conversation rather than physical experiences, though I still had much to learn in that way as well. But I vaguely knew what kind of dynamic I wanted. I then met my current Dom/Daddy. We didn't start out that way though. Initially, it was more or less a standard D/s, which still being new, was fine with me. I continued learning more on here, on TikTok(yes, there are some well spoken and knowledgeable people to learn from on there, don't laugh :D), and within the local community with whom we began attending munches with and in a chat group. Over time our dynamic has evolved into more of a DD/middle, but still maintaining general D/s protocols. It is not a 24/7 TPE, but it leaks out some into our general lives with him helping me become a better person, pushing me to make and chase my goals and realize my potential in life. This is what works for me/us. Your dynamic should be bettering your life and mental state, not harming it. And what works for one may be torture for another(and not in the fun way). All this to say, for those new to this, don't be afraid to try something new or scary; I have learned some things I thought I would hate I actually love. And if you are trying something and it's not working for you, speak up. Especially as a sub, don't let that title put you in a position to submit to somebody who is not making you happy just for the sake of being a "good submissive" because that is not how it works. You should be happy to submit to the person you are with, and if that's not what's happening, do something about it! There is absolutely freedom in submission, and in the same hand, it should be making you feel empowered within. Because once you find the right situation for you, it is euphoric. 

Something that has plagued my mind for years is the very polarizing opinions on whether dressing skimpy(showing cleavage, leg, or even posting nudes on sites like Fetlife) equate to either the strong belief that this person is either highly confident, or highly insecure. On one hand, I personally believe you would have to have some pretty high confidence to be putting that out there. But I can also see the argument from those who say they are just seeking validation. 

And then in the same vein, people will say somebody insecure will wear baggy clothing to hide themselves, while others say a person with high self esteem doesn't feel the need to show off and will dress modestly due to that.

So I guess I just want to hear other's thoughts on this. Which is it, do you think? Is it both depending on the person, and if so, how would one even decifer that? And if you can't, and it is something only the person dressing/acting this way can truly know, is there room for anyone of us to judge one way or the other?

Break me down 

Not brick by brick

But with dynamite

I want to be destroyed

Shattered 

Made to feel worthless

Less than human

Push me

Pull me

Hurt me

My will no longer existing

Pleasing you, pleasing me

My tears mean nothing

Cries are ignored

Take what you want

Ruin me

Use me to your heart's content

And not a moment less

Than what satisfies you

I need to gratify you

Tear me apart

Until I am nothing

Then

Piece by piece

I become renewed

Touch now gentle

My mind afloat

No thoughts exist

No words can be formed

In this moment

I am only your pet

Take me 

Into your arms

Squeeze me

Kiss me

Baby me

I am your princess

Talk sweetly 

Affirm me

Building me

Bringing me back

Forming me to what you see in me

I want to be perfect 

For you

I want to be

The potential you see