Realizing that through submission, and putting my trust in him, that he is raising me up as a woman, as a human, as his partner. His guidance, sometimes his insistence, while still allowing me to be my own person and make my own choices, is in turn causing me to level up. Choosing him, loving him, is the best choice I ever made.
Daddy and I recently took and weekend trip to a BDSM themed vacation rental. It came equipped with a lot of equipment we normally wouldn't have access to, and a proper play room. After all the shit that's gone on in my personal life this past couple months, I was grateful for the getaway.
The first night was fun; light on the impact play, more focused on pleasure. The next day was much more intense. I was forewarned that the play this day would be heavy on impact(we do not typically discuss the coming scenes in detail; at best I usually will be given a vague Idea, but he likes to keep me guessing and I like to be surprised/taken off guard, so this works for us). It started vanilla enough, me riding him, and then as I had been at it a while and began to tire, my brat decided to come out to play.
I rolled off and laid on my back. Him telling me he didn't tell me to stop, and me being tired wasn't an excuse. I decided to commit to the defiance and see what happened. CNC is a kink I've been interested in for almost my entire life, but have yet to explore. This wasn't *exactly* CNC, but just a little taste with him using force as my brat refused to obey orders, and fuck it was hot!! Just some choking and threatening, and then once I nodded in submission, ordered to follow him to the play room. I knew once we got in there, I would likely be bound and not able to physically defy him from that point on, so I took my time walking to it and stopped to eat a candy, slowly, while smirking at him as he gave me *that* look.
*swoon, monsoon*
Once in there, it was exactly as I suspected. Bound and bent over, we now got into the heavy impact part of the night. I took as much as I was able to before safe-wording, and once unbound, collapsed to the floor crying uncontrollably. He had me get up and go with him to the bed. There he held me and I sobbed into his chest. Broken down, FINALLY able to release everything I had let build up inside me from all I'd been going through. This was exactly what I had needed and he knew that. I was and am grateful. I don't know why I let things build up so much inside me, or why it can often take extreme measures to get it out, but this cry while initiated by physical pain, was all pure naked emotion once the swats stopped. And the tears flowed and flowed.
When we left the next morning, I was a new woman, refreshed, recharged, renewed, restored. This was a few weeks ago now but the impact remains.
30 sexy questionnaire
1: When did you lose your virginity?
16
2: Rough sex or soft sex?
Rough!
3: Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes?
Yes, unusual to the vanilla world anyway.
Bondage
Degradation
Breeding
Dd/lg
Dp
Pet
Discipline
Primal
Free use
Praise
Intoxicated
4: Weirdest place you’ve had sex?
In a public lake, on an a/c unit
5: Favorite sex position?
Doggie style
6: Do you like to be dominant or Submissive
Submissive
7: Have you ever had any one night stands?
Yes
8: Sex on the bed, couch or the floor?
All of the above
9: Have you ever had sex in a public place?
Yes
10: Have you ever been caught masturbating?
No
11: What does your favourite underwear look like?
Lacey black and hot pink and crotchless
12: How often do you have sex?
Lately once a week(but multiple times in the same night). Maybe more often now that I moved into my own place.
13: Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with?
Daddy
14: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex?
Not the biggest fan of either, but both have their time and place that can be fun.
15: Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex?
Queefing 🥴
16: A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex?
Not big on putting music on during sex, but for rough or kinky, anything rock/metal would suffice
17: A song you’d listen to during soft/slow sex?
Nothing; if it's not rough, I don't want it.
18: Are you into dressing up for sex?
It can be fun, but wouldn't necessarily say it's a kink of mine
19: Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower?
Shower
20: If you could have sex with any celebrity right now, who would it be?
If video game characters count, Arthur Morgan 😄
21: Have you ever had a threesome?
Yes
22: Do you/would you use sex toys?
Yes, I do
23: Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture?
Yep
24: Would you have sex with your best friend?
Nope
25: Is there anything you do after sex?
Cuddle, drink water/eat a snack, talk, watch t.v., give back tickles, any combination of those
26: Something that will never fail to get you horny?
A stern look or a hand around my throat
27: Early morning sex or late night sex?
Anytime
28: Favorite body part on the opposite sex?
Hands/forearms 🥵
29: Favorite body part on the same sex
Face
30: Do you watch porn?
Yes
So the Little Easter Party was yesterday. I am so glad I went! Many of the people in the local community have been part of this group for quite some time, and I can tell we are becoming accepted into the group. I did not dress full-on little, but mildly so(which is more just a reflection on who I really am and where I am in my journey and comfortability level, as I've mentioned, am am more middle than little). Some there were dressed fully little, which was the first time I'd seen them that way as previous meetings were public and this was our first private event. They're not for me, but it was cool seeing people I've met and enjoy the company of be their authentic unapologetic selves, paci's and all 😊 we did a potluck, socialized, and then an egg hunt. We all got friendship bracelets one of the Littles made for everyone. We did an egg hunt in the dark(eggs had glow sticks to help us 😁). We also got to pick prizes, I chose a light bright. And that was basically it! We have a zoo trip next month. Oh, and I got my Little Scouts sash! So yeah, all in all a good night. Also, lots of candy and little toys from my eggs. I would insert a picture of said egg bounty but idk how 😅
Also, I officially moved into my new home. It's a rental, but it is the first time in my life living on my own, not with family or a significant other. Tonight is my first night in the house, and I'm currently laying in my bed. In MY ROOM. It's ALL. MINE. 😁😁😁 Daddy is helping me a lot, especially with the big things I need, and I have family that has helped me accumulate things I need for the new place too, for which I am VERY grateful. But, I do want to make it my own. I have never had the chance to decorate a home without having to get permission. I am so excited to be able to have it the way I want for once. I already have my bedding picked out, though I'll have to wait for next pay day to order it. I got some pretty curtains, and some cute pillows(a unicorn and an alien), and a Hello Kitty lava lamp 😍 so excited for it to all come together.
And I'm glad i was able to get the move done this weekend. Next weekend Daddy and I are staying at a BDSM themed air BnB for our birthdays 😄 Super excited for that. And now that I have my own place, I'll be able to spend more time with Daddy in general, and we don't live as far apart anymore as well.
Well, that's about it for updates. I hope everyone else had a nice weekend, too!
I have found myself learning to get to know and embrace my Little side. I have always known I never outgrew my love for certain childish things; simple crafts, Disney movies, my love for colorful decor and clothing, etc., as well as I primarily live in my Middle space, except when life necessitates otherwise. I absolutely loathe adulting, but obviously accept it as part of life. Thankfully not much in my life stifles my Middle, but I am very much relishing the times I get to be in tune with my Little. I still sometimes am having a hard time accepting it, and will often just feel silly, but trying to shut those doubts/insecurities down. It is getting better. Being on this site and reading other's stories has helped, and Daddy has helped as well by being relentlessly supportive and understanding. I also become part of a local BDSM group which even has it's own sub-group for Littles and Bigs. They even have a Little Scouts group which I just recently joined! I was recently invited to a private Easter potluck for the Bigs/Littles and at the end the Littles get to participate in an Easter Egg Hunt! Which I am unexpectedly stupidly excited that I get to pick out an Easter basket and do an egg hunt again! I am very much looking forward to it! And then in May we have a Littles Zoo outing! 😁
As for the close call, it is simply the fact that I almost missed out on all of this. Leaving my past relationship for good was the best thing I've ever done. While yes, it has brought on it's share of turmoil, I would have NEVER found out about this whole community, or met the person I now love and who makes me happier than I could have ever imagined possible. I would have never learned to love myself for who I truly am, which I am still discovering and layer by layer, unearthing. The thought that I may have gone my whole life not having these experiences makes me sick to my stomach and grateful that is not the reality. Only goes to show that growth and progress often requires a leap of faith, scary as it may seem at the time. I do feel braver, though a long way to go, I am working on it and finding my voice and the confidence to be myself without regard of what others think. And to those who can't accept it, GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE. 😁
Does every sub have the same problem with decision making as I seem to?
In the vanilla world, I have some issues sometimes, but not nearly as bad as I do behind closed doors. In the real world, I am able to be more decisive and while sometimes I do, I rarely find myself having such a tough time that I am frustrated by it.
The other night visiting with Daddy, I was instructed to go to his toy bag and chose a toy. Ugh!!! Every fiber of my being screamed "NO!" It felt wrong, unnatural, and like I'd just been told to stick a needle in my eyeball. In fact I think that would have been preferable than choosing a toy. At least I'd have a clear directive, lol.
I expressed my frustration by this request, but I did try. I looked over everything, while squirming with anxiety on the inside. I don't think he intended this feeling within me, I think he just wanted me to choose my favorite to have a good time with, and also maybe to get insight into what I like best, but in this moment being put on the spot, I decided none. I chose to forgo any toy and just have him. Which is ultimately my favorite anyway, and while the toys have their time and place, and can be quite fun, being given the task of choosing one turned my stomach and made me suddenly repulsed by the site of them.
I'm not sure if this is a confidence issue, or a fear of choosing "wrong", or what.
I have seen TikToks about the community/lifestyle/whatever you want to call it and several of them have suggested that it's not uncommon for a Dom to order their sub to Dom for the day.
To that, I say *insert Michael Scott* NO, PLEASE GOD NO, WHY, NOOOOO.
I hope and pray this is never suggested because if so, I will be the least dommiest Dom that ever didn't Dom. I can't even fathom being in that head space with my partner. I don't want to be the one making decisions. I do not like being out of my comfy little comfort zone. It's nice here. 😌
That said, mad respect to the (good)Doms. It's a lot of responsibility on your plate, in your role. I always find it so fascinating to imagine a person enjoying that side of the slash, but I'm sure glad you exist!
Things have settled down, just a little, since my last blog. One issue, which is probably the biggest, is now in track to be resolved. It's still going to be a process but a major first step towards progress is being made, which has taken a HUGE weight off my shoulders. I still have other things to deal with, but I don't feel as burdened any more. I can breath again, just a little.
Last night, I went for a much needed night out with my Daddy and my best friend. Was able to have drinks and let loose and forget my problems for a few hours. When we left the venue we stayed at my best friend's house. No play time obviously, but I would say it has been my favorite night with Daddy so far. We laid down and almost as soon as he held me, I began to cry. Not from everything going on in my life for a pleasant change, but from the overwhelming love radiating between us. The feel of his arms around me and my head buried in his chest, him telling me to let it out. It was almost too much. I had a feeling about it before, but last night left no doubts; I have never experienced this kind of pure, unbound love with anyone. I didn't know this kind of love was possible. I thought I'd experienced the highest kind of love in the past with my first serious boyfriend, and I did love him a whole lot, but without it being reciprocated it never came close to what I have now. The fact that Daddy loves me back in the same way, that he provides his patience, understanding, protection, and guidance, has allowed my heart to blossom and thrive in our relationship and feel free to be my purest version of myself with him. I truly don't know how I got so lucky to have met him, or what makes me deserving of the happiness I've found with him, but I am grateful beyond words.
This may seem corny, and/or maybe many people aren't familiar with the 2000's music group called S Club 7, but I loved their show back in the day. For some reason, they randomly popped in my head on my way home from work tonight. So I searched them on YouTube to see if I remembered any of the songs and this was the shows theme song. I did remember it(mostly) but I didn't expect it to hit the way it did when I listened to it. It was EXACTLY what I needed. And sure, it's a cheesy early 2000's pop song, and on the surface may not seem like it's anything special, but with the day I've had, every lyric spoke what I NEEDED to hear. This whole day - this whole week - hell, the past 6 months - have been some of the hardest times in my life for so many reasons. I could list all the things I have mounted on my plate right now, but the long and short of it is that I have so much pressure on me from so many people, and it is finally catching up to me and I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. And I do not think of myself as a mentally weak person. After 15 years with my soon-to-be-ex-husband, and the mental and emotional abuse I endured and learned how to cope with, I have had to learn to rise above and live with extreme stress. But this, today, I have just been beaten and feel so beyond defeated. This song triggered simultaneously the tears I needed to get out and new resolve to rise above. I played it on repeat the whole way home, dancing, smiling, and sobbing uncontrollably all at once. When I got home, I laid down in the driveway and cried at the stars for a good 10 minutes before coming inside. Came in, and hugged on the dogs as they comforted me while I continued to cry. Writing this has finally gotten me to calm down some to where I'm no longer crying but just shaking. I will get through this. It won't be easy by any stretch of the imagination. But I won't let my circumstances break me. I will prevail.
Easily the best Valentine's Day of my life. We celebrated on Saturday since I worked all day Friday. We met for an early dinner and then went to our hotel room with a Jacuzzi tub. We exchanged gifts; I got him a nice frame with a picture of us from our recent cruise, a card, and showed him the new flogger I ordered for him with silicone falls that I knew he wanted(unfortunately it has not shipped yet so the picture was the best I could do this day). He got me a card, brush tip pens, a coloring book, a stuffed T-Rex, a babydoll dress, and best of all, 2 beanie babies I'd had in my childhood that I had told him were my favorite as a kid; One is a pink Poodle named Bridgette and the other a German Shepherd named Sarge. In my childhood imagination, these two beanie babies were a couple, lol. And is so funny because I now have a Poodle, and he has German Shepherds. I legitimately cried when I saw them, he remembered what I told him and why they were special to me and made the effort to track them down to get them for me. I know they're just beanie babies, but I don't think anyone has ever gifted me something so thoughtful, they mean so much more to me than just stuffies.
After food and gifts, it was play time. I'd expressed recently that I was interested in more authoritative and degrading play. I tried so hard to stay in character but each time he slapped me I couldn't help but give a big smile; it was ecstacy. He was rougher than usual, and a little more sadistic. Also, and idk if he intended this originally, but fear occurred when he went to cut through the saran wrap he had me mummified in at one point to free my nipples. I was genuinely scared, and tried to fight it knowing I did trust him, but the sensation and seeing the scissors where they were I kept seeing my nipples being cut(even though they weren't). Also experienced e-stim for the first time, which was interesting. Not bad, quite enjoyable at times.
After 3 hours of play, we ran a bubble bath and cuddled and talked in the jacuzzi. Then laid down and watched Stepbrothers as I fell asleep in his arms.
The worst part is always the goodbye the next day. We typically only get to see each other once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. I woke up Monday with my heart hurting that he wasn't there. One day that will change, but until then, the separation is so hard. I ache for him all the time. We text all day, every day, but that does little to ease the longing. All in good time, I tell myself.
Hands that take mine in their hold
They give me giggles, make me fold
They keep me steady, keep me calm
And brush their fingers 'cross my palm
As hands run up along my arm
They tickle, tease, with gentle charm
Hands graze sweetly on my cheek
They make me blush, they make me weak
Hands move slowly to my throat
I tilt my head, my mind afloat
They wrap around my neck so tight
The pressure makes my heart take flight
My world goes black, no sound to hear
Built trust ensures no need to fear
Gradually emerged from daze
I gasp for breath, my soul ablaze
I reach for him, a need so pure
For loving him, there is no cure
His hand meets mine, clasping tight
Two hands entwined, our hearts alike