No Crown

As I've gotten more comfortable and confident with my Dom, I have been allowing my inner brat to show herself. And wow, it is fun! It's been a looong time since I've been able to fully be my authentic honest self with a partner, and to trust that I will not be shamed or degraded for it. Instead, I either get playfulness in return, or suffer the delicious consequences. Both are equally appealing. And to know he loves me, brattiness included. I'm not sure I've ever actually felt this close of a connection, and in the spirit of honesty, while it is liberating and euphoric, it is also a little scary to think of a day where I could lose it. Even though I don't necessarily forsee that happening, I'm a realist and know that anything is possible. To lose this kind of love, with a person who, as far as I've been able to decifer is the best partner/Dom I could ask for in so many ways, could shatter me. I don't relish feeling emotionally vulnerable, it's one of the things I have been working on internally. It has held me back for a long time, and the person I was married to for years prior was never a safe place for me to allow myself to be vulnerable in that way, thus never having this type of connection. I am getting to where those walls are just being demolished, and it's healing and terrifying all at once. He has earned so much trust, and yet in the back of my mind I always have that nagging thought of "what if this falls to pieces?" And whether I'd ever be capable of trusting anyone so much ever again. How do I let go of this hinderance? Or should I not let go of it? Is it a healthy fear? I hate it all the same. I want to get past this mental block. I've been seeing him for several months and there have been exactly zero red flags. Logically I have no reason to believe we will ever part. I think he could be the one. I want him to be the one. My love for him overflows, but the higher you fly the harder you fall. Proceeding with what I think is a healthy amount of caution, but I just want to dive off the deep end!

This weekend with Daddy at my first kink convention went very well! I only wish it could have last longer. I attended several classes on topics of Fisting, Cold Branding, CNC, and Shadow Work. I even got a cold brand! They had the dungeon open both nights. If you didn't see my previous blog, I have never been to a dungeon. The first night we agreed that we'd go down and just observe, no pressure on me to do/participate unless I decided I was feeling froggy and want to jump in. I actually was tempted to try some of the equipment that we normally wouldn't have access to, but my stomach was not feeling the best and I didn't want to start anything just to stop due to cramping. One thing I saw that was pretty cool was suspension in action. I am not sure if we'll ever try that ourselves but it is impressive to see others do it. Anyway, we hung out for maybe 30 minutes the first night and went back to our room. The next night my stomach was better and I knew I wanted to go for it. I was first put on a Saint Andrew's Cross, and then a spanking bench. I enjoyed both! Then back to our room and i experienced wax play for the first time, that was awesome as well. I also made a point to allow my inner brat out without holding back. That made for some fun moments as well. Through all of it, I felt our bond grow even more. We spent a lot of time just cuddling and talking in bed between classes and play time. My only regret is that it was over much too soon.

Leaving in 30 minutes for my first kink convention. Nervous but super excited. Thankful I'm not going alone like I had initially thought when I first bought my ticket, I'll have my Daddy accompanying me, so not nearly as nervous as I would be otherwise. Will be my first time to an event like this as well as first experience in a dungeon. Will be there in just a few hours and I can't wait! 😊

In shadows case where trust does bloom

A dance begins in sacred room

Not chains nor ropes, nor whispered plea

But bond of mind to hearts set free

A Dom a guide with steady hand

Maps a world both fierce and grand

With power tempered firm yet kind

Respect and care forever entwined

The Sub a soul who dares to yield

Wields strength in surrender a sacred shield

In offering trust they rise not fall

A willing heart gives power to all

No crown is won by force or pain

But by consents most gentle reign

A gift exchanged so pure and rare

Two hearts aligned a perfect pair

So win not with might but with care so true

And a sub will rise to serve with you