JustJaz Thoughts

This shit is hard. Confronting your core beliefs. Believing you’re worthy. Confusing yourself. Reading. The endless reading, research, journaling, self reflection.

It’s fucking annoying. It’s all consuming.

It became an obsession to learn everything. In the fray of the frenzy of education.

But when I finally understand, when I experience the material for the first time it’s majestic.

Then comes the aftermath. Should this newfound understanding be even more confusing and devastating? To finally get exactly what you asked from someone who’s fucking great but still feel out of sorts? Back to the reading, the journaling, the self reflection.

Taking time and adjusting. The uncomfortable adjustment of taking space.

I want to give up. I want to give in. I want the attention. I want space. I want everything. I want nothing at all.

The consistent advice of being told to take one’s time. Come sit in my head for a fucking day and tell me again to take my time. One night feels like an eternity.

I hate how hard this is. But I never want to leave.

And rightfully so as it wasn’t the right time

It was really no time at all

The temporary station we’d taken

Where you picked me apart and I allowed it

Where I fell to pieces and you walked around me

It was for my benefit

I’m not ready but I’ll never be

Not for the things I don’t understand

Not for things I’m looking for you to show me

Maybe I’m looking for a mentor in a chimera

You’ll wait for the ephemeral piece of me

Why when it was returned so carefully

You ripped me from my reality and cradled me in your care

You shined a light on me to destroy the shadow you built

Spiraling into my habit of immediacy in a world that revolves around taking it’s time

Maybe it’s only temporary

Maybe it’s only casual

Maybe I’m looking for permanence in cursory gazes

All I know is I’ve been returned

Sometimes it’s excruciating the wait

The timing between learning and doing

Being ready and underprepared

The temptation of giving in

The haze of navigating communication

The despair in between action and inaction

Sometimes it’s necessary to wait

Retiring from the fantasy to live in reality

To learn the lessons

Experience the journey

Grow into something substantial

The joy in satisfaction

The ecstasy of fulfillment 

It was like a fantasy come true

My desires fulfilled by the sensual stroke of your mindful words

Your intensity provoking mine

Wanting to be your fantasy

Pulling away from mine

The wanton ache for you to be the one to fulfill my needs allowed me to ignore my own voice

This trap of choice ensnared me in the ardent focus of your voice

You consume me in ways I want to be consumed

Hypnotized by you, following blindly in the bliss of being seen, the joy of being heard

That I stopped listening to my intuition guiding me to be slow and steady

Meeting you has been so heady that the rush has me drunk on our possibilities

Only after a few days does reality return

Settling me right back in my place

Facing this internal journey to prepare my reality to mix with the fantasy

Disillusioned that the fantasy does not meet the reality

It was all in my head the submission I wanted to see

The fact that I’d barely even scratched the surface of

The wants and needs that felt like an ache

Are persistent reminders that

There’s more than just me involved in a dynamic

The true meaning of that word which seems to be ignored

No change or progress to account for

Many have reached out to control, fuck, and mindfuck

What’s the point of a conversation if every vulnerability that has been interrogated is picked over to find what matches your libido?

Three questions in and my submission is demanded

I still look forward to the journey

A slow progression to understand and experience what I’ve always dreamed of

A true dynamic in every sense of the word

Give & take, more & less, Piece by piece

The bricks of our words, thoughts, desires slowly stacking up

Hints of submission spread their essence among our presence as you tease your dominance

Our similar kinks that links us to this time & space

This feels like a good pace

Nice & slow getting to know more

Precipitating a connection that feels like a soft caress across my mind

Let me get to know you

No not the beautiful Dom mask you present to me

Let the true you shine through to see the beauty that lies beneath

The shine that dims when I feel you try to improvise a teasing mimicry of the Dom I expressed I need

Express to me the person you are

Will you be the one who unravels me?

Let me get to know you first

Get to know me

Not just for my need to please you on my knees

Know my mind

Not just to manipulate it to appeal to the image in yours

The real me who comes with all my questions, doubts, fears, heart, trust, tears, smiles, joys

Make friends with me

Setting the foundation that leads to my submission

I know you want to fuck me & my mind

But don’t seduce my intentions

My needs are mine, my wants are mine

Get to know them

as ours may intertwine

This new world is overwhelming

All the shiny & new gathered in information

piles right in front of you

Sub frenzy ensures

Insecurities, doubts, fears take over

Once the shine wears off

so many questions to reflect on

So much room for growth

All the possibilities are endless

Endlessly revolving thoughts & regrets

The fun, sexy & new quietly overshadowed

Fading to the background

How to wade through when you’ve

cannonballed into the dark murky black 

So many hands lay hidden beneath the surface

grabbing, pushing, pulling hoping to be the

Dom to save you

Wanting your submission while missing your true mission