How it started and where it is going

Happy Birthday 

My bedroom was pitch black and the fan was on - I was enjoying a deep sleep after trying out my latest toy and playing with myself until I was exhausted. My husband was working the night shift and wasn’t expected home until 6 am.

I was awakened suddenly by my hands being clasped about my head and my legs around the neck and shoulders of my assailant. I was disoriented and noticed that the wetness of my pussy was betraying my protests as his other hand reached between my legs to rip off my panties. He laughed when I arched myself up to meet him - I could feel his hot throbbing cock pushing down on me. God how I wanted to grind on him!

I turned my head and noticed that is was 2:00a.m. - I gasped when I realized this was not my husband! He snickered again at my realization- “yes slut - I’m your daddy now and you are going to be a good girl” as he shoved my ripped panties into my mouth and secured my hands to the bedpost. He started teasing, pulling, kneading, biting and sucking on my nipples until they ached. It felt so good - I never wanted to lactate more than when his mouth was hungrily sucking on my tits. I groaned more as my body ached to have him inside me. I arched my back once again to grind up against him. He laughed “easy whore, you will get my dick soon enough” as he straddled my chest, removed the panties from my mouth and began fucking my mouth and forcing me to gag on his cock - like a Pavlovian response, even my saliva betrayed how hungry I was for his cock. It was thick and long - easily one of the biggest cocks I have had - he repeatedly thrust himself down my throat making me gag and my body spasm as I tried to relax my throat and take him all in. He pulled out of my mouth just before he was going to cum and denied me my hard won prize. As he climbed off of me I could see that He was thickly built but wearing a balaclava so I couldn’t make out his face. My but his cock was magnificent!

He noticed my bedside vibrator and began shoving it in and out of pussy. Wet and hungry, my pussy greedily look in the vibrator as he continued to suck on my tits and nipples - his hands were so rough!

He continued to work the vibrator in and out of my pussy until I was about to cum and then stopped! “Not yet bitch. I will tell you when you can cum.” His voice rough and growling- he stopped with the vibrator and flipped me on to my stomach- I could feel his cock pressing up against my ass and I groaned again. My ass can’t take that huge cock! I struggled and protested but couldn’t stop him. “Yes whore, your tight asshole is going to take all of daddy’s meat. I will destroy your ass and you will cum while I do it.” I felt him dip his cock into my very wet pussy to get it lubricated and then suddenly felt the head of his cock pierce my ass - I gasped - it hurt - it was huge and yet it felt so good. He began working his shaft deeper and deeper into me - all I could do was lay there and take it - he roughly pushed himself in and out of my asshole. “There’s a good girl sweetie - taking all of daddy’s cock like a good slut. Tell daddy how much you love it” he said as he pulled my head back my hair.

“Yes daddy I love it - thank you daddy,” I sobbed as he thrust himself deeper and deeper into me.

He then flipped me over again - with my legs around his neck and shoved his cock back in my ass. He grabbed the vibrator by the bed and worked it in and out of my pussy while his thick cock continued to violate my ass. At first he alternated strokes as his cock came out, the vibrator went in until he worked his way up to filling my pussy and my ass at the same time. I couldn’t help myself and started to shudder - I was about to have the climax of my life! “Not yet slut! I say when you come!” As he put his hand around my neck and began to choke me - his thrusts got quicker and deeper - at last he let up on his grip and said, “Now bitch! Now you can cum you slutty little whore!” As if a button had been pushed, I came on command as I felt him unleash loads of hot cum up my ass, my already soaking wet pussy writhed in spasms and squirted tidal waves of fluid.

He got up from the bed and laughed - zipped up his pants and told me what a good little slut I was. As he left the room, I noticed the time! My husband would be home any minute and I was still secured to the bed!

When my husband got home, he untied me from the bed and asked if I enjoyed the birthday present he got me as he took me to the shower to clean me up

I am often hyperkinetic and have a difficult time just relaxing- I need to constantly be doing something, learning something, experiencing something, going somewhere, entertained or busy - it makes me feel frenetic because I am constantly aware of my own mortality and there is never enough time - I am not afraid of death, I just want to be a part of everything before I go but sometimes, I wish I could rest 

the occasions when my mind is at rest occur when I am with a Master in charge, with firm direction and clearly defined expectations for 

I am finishing up Letters to Earth by Mark Twain and looking for recommendations- 

I read everything but enjoy sci-fi, fantasy, horror and historical fictions but I love reading recommendations from others regardless of genre - 

what books have resonated with you? 

Female dragonflies will fake their own deaths in order to avoid mating with unwanted males?  

Like,”Ugh! Here comes Carl! Play dead girl!” 

🤣

This behavior is called sexual death feigning.  They just crash themselves mid flight and I am not sure how I feel about that 

For anyone who feels like everything they are currently doing feels soul-destroying, please see this as a sign to pause, reflect, and realign. Life isn’t meant to drain, it’s meant to inspire, even in small moments. Take time to find what truly feeds your soul … not quite sure where to start 

I used to die a 1,000 deaths going into an adult bookstore - worried about what other people thought…not making eye contact, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible - not this time though… I was excited and this store did not disappoint! It had something for every kink and fetish

He bought a vibrator, a butt plug, a spiked fur mitt and some slutty lingerie

There were many other things he was interested in purchasing- suction cups for nipples and the clitoris, an electric box with pads and a probe, and a tail. Without trying to top from the bottom, i told him i would gladly stretch my boundaries with him - i only ask that he understands how to use such equipment safely before experimenting on me.

There were no video booths at this shop so on our way to the car, he pulled up my skirt, bent me over the back of the car and inserted the new butt plug in my ass as I gasped in surprise. I was told to keep it in until he says I can take it out - so I am just trying to act normal like my pussy isn’t wet and there isn’t a butt plug in my ass and I can’t concentrate on what anyone is saying much less carry on my part of a conversation.

It was a great weekend 

I said “no!”

He said, “ok”

Worst night ever …

Last month when I came back to myself, I joined Fetlife - I was looking for a community similar to what I have found here - to my chagrin, I even paid for a membership and started journaling.  Less than a month in I received a notice that said,

“ Verify you are you!

We’ve received reports from other members in regard to your profile and I order to unlock your account, we will need to verify your profile.

If we do not verify your profile by Sunday, January 12, 2025, it will be permanently deleted.”

I thought this odd because I had not interacted with anyone and only browsed the site and made journal entries. (Those entries I will post here at a later date to keep consistent with my journey.) Nothing in my profile indicated that I was interested in connecting with anyone. The message seemed strange…

I went to verify myself and they asked for a photo ID. Not only did they want me to upload a copy of my ID, they wanted me to take a picture of myself holding the photo ID!  Red!!

Fetlife was hacked and has a vulnerability that exposes the platform to a potential exploit, allowing threat actors to gain unauthorized access to sensitive user information.

Obviously I am not providing any website that kind of personal information- it seems strange that they would require information that could lead to identify theft or reputational damages to the website users. 

I have heard nothing back from the site regarding the return of my membership fees 

lesson learned 

Back in the day, I had a wonderful and thoughtful Master. He was creative, imaginative, curious, caring, intelligent and a bit of a sadist. I loved being owned by him. He loved pushing my boundaries and I loved submitting to Him and stretching my boundaries- he literally paid attention to every single detail of a scene and me. I was well cared for but it was a secret secondary part of my life. It wasn’t something I could surrender to 100% because I had a life, a career and children to raise as a single parent. My reality was incongruous with the life I wanted to live. I ended up moving from the area, relocating to a different state and eventually getting married to a very nice but extremely vanilla man.

I have mentioned my proclivities with my spouse and they were met with little to no interest on his part - sex isn’t terrible but it is boring and eventually I lost interest in sex as women of a certain age have a tendency to do and I would rather not have sex than have bad sex.

My husband fucks like he is like a teenager - lots of hard, fast, sweaty pounding and completely unsatisfying. I told him it was me and the physiological changes my body has been going through - which was mostly true. Sex just stopped appealing to me - I stopped masturbating and fantasizing - just not interested at all which is tragic if you knew what a slutty, whore I once was!

Which brings me to the present day. Four months ago, I started bioidentical hormone therapy. It took awhile to kick in but when it did … oh my mother fucking god! Maybe they gave me too much?!? I feel like a bitch in heat. I am ridiculously horny all of the fucking time - to the point that it is distracting but also, I really enjoy feeling this way. I get myself off at least twice a day. My husband is very excited to see me this way. I came out and told what I need sexually (something I have never done because I was worried about what he would think of me). Also, I don’t want to top from the bottom - i tried explaining this to my husband and he has sort of tried - we have cuffs and a collar. The first night he put that collar on me, I was instantly wet and let him know how much I loved it but he has not brought it out again. Same with the nipple clamps, the sensory mitt or any of the other toys he bought. These were used once and then cast aside. I started to realize the last several times we fucked, he would put cuffs on me and then fuck me like he has always done 😥 one of the other things he does is he likes to roughly finger bang my pussy until I squirt - he won’t commit to using his entire hand and it hurts where the rest of his hand stops. It isn’t horrible but it definitely shouldn’t be an opening move if I am not turned on - because when I am turned on, I want him to shove his entire fist in me - but that would freak him out.

Clearly not everyone can be a Dom. I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t want to. I am a literal freak - blow jobs at will - love anal - I am excellent at cock worshipping. I am mostly obedient and love to be spanked and am down for almost any kink - I don’t want to give up the hormone therapy because I really love the way I feel but don’t know what else to do -

This is a journal entry mostly for me - shouting out into the void and gazing into the abyss but if someone reads this and has any advice, I would appreciate hearing from you