Random Thoughts

Random thoughts to shut my brain off before I go to meet the sandman. First I was thinking about how it's going to rain for a week. And then I thought about why I like the rain and how I like it. I like it when it's a downpour, usually accompanied by thunder and lightning, so I guess in that case I like a thunderstorm. It almost feels sort of cleansing... Like wiping off a slate with a fresh eraser. Just let the rain wash away all your problems, stress and anxiety. Listen to how it sounds and let your mind be still... Good night 

Sometimes I just feel so... empty 

Sometimes I just feel the depths of my sadness floating along the wind and hanging in the air

The weight of it presses down on me

I can't focus, I can't concentrate and sometimes I feel almost breathless

I shut down inside, but I smile on the outside, so no one else has to see my pain 

But sometimes..I just want to cry, I just want to let it all out, I just want to let it go

Sometimes I want to scream, with an echo that can be heard for miles..in an empty valley, so no one else has to hear my cries..

Sometimes..I just want to matter to someone. I just want someone to care...and I just want someone to be there.

Once the other situation ended, my old Gorean Master found me online again. We started talking and eventually move in together for a time. Things went fairly well for a little bit, but then he started to change. He became less dominant and more comfortable with a more vanilla type of relationship. This was okay for me as long as he still kept some dominance..

But then..a while later, my heart broke when he asked me to collar him. Now before you all start trash talking, everyone is different and everyone likes what they like and also, I do not have a dominant bone in my body. When he asked this of me it completely crushed how I saw him. It ruined the image of him I knew, the person I thought he was. And while I realize people change and I did try to adapt, he told me I was horrible at it. We went our separate ways not long after that, but it wasn't easy for either of us. 

He eventually was married to someone as was I..and we kept in touch. Then one day I was trying to find him to see how his wife and he were doing and found his obituary instead. And though we weren't together, when you've spent that much of your time and life with someone, it's surprising to find out own your own later that they're no longer here. 

RIP Max..

And so... since that time I have been unable to find another dominant to fill this void that was formed 15 years ago. But life goes on, and so must I.

In between the going back and forth with my Gorean Master, I was active online under a hidden name. Naughty naughty.. But I was in a living situation that was not good..so I had to leave. I was having a really hard time at this time, and my Gorean Master had decided to use the ignore tactic as a punishment, which wasn't good, so I was unable to get a hold of him. He ignored any and all calls and messages that I sent him.

Let me pause here by saying I do not recommend the ignore tactic as a punishment. Disagree if you will, but it is mentally damaging and if there is an emergency, your submissive cannot get a hold of you. The one person that is supposed to protect her and keep her safe.

When I say I was in a life-threatening situation I will leave it at that without any further details. I met a dom in a chat room on AirG who came to my rescue and removed me from the bad situation I was in. We hadn't been talking that long really, but I was thankful for someone to help me get out of that. So, we moved in together, but he didn't have his own place. Later on, we were able to get our own place, but he couldn't hold a job. So I got a job, besides, I liked to work anyway.

As far as experiences..I wouldn't say this one was that intense. I got away with a lot. I used my clever techniques to get myself out of trouble. Then one day, he brought another girl home. I didn't even know he was going to get her. We hadn't discussed this before. I tried so hard to adapt to this new change, but I soon discovered that I really didn't like girls in that way and I also did not like sharing. This was how I discovered I was not into poly. As you can imagine, even after we had moved, it still didn't work out. Moving the other girl in so abruptly was always in the back of my mind. And even though she eventually left, I couldn't let it go. We went out separate ways soon after and I told him I didn't want to continue our relationship and asked him to release me.

And can you guess who I ended up talking to again after that ended... more coming up on the next post.

I can still remember it as if it were yesterday. The first meeting with my Gorean master. We had talked, argued, laughed and texted quite frequently. I can still remember how nervous I was as I made my way to the hotel room. My heart raced within my chest, my palms were sweaty and at this point I had never really had a real life experience that was consensual just yet. 

There he stood outside, waiting for me, arms crossed and a scowl on his face at my lateness. I had to take a bus and walk a little ways to get there, so it wasn't really my fault. As soon as we entered the room he gave the command. "Strip." His tone was bold, clear, and deep. Being in person was much different that texting or chatting on the phone, and I was rather shy in person. Brooking no arguement, I removed my clothes as instructed.

"Nadu," he said to me, sitting down in a chair not far from me. I dare not look at him, because he had a no eye contact rule. I find this funny, because I have discovered over the years that eye contact tends to make me more submissive rather than no eye contact. But, back to the story. His version of nadu was tailored a bit to him specifically in that he wanted my palms up on my thighs rather than down. He wanted to be able to see the inside of my hands. There I knelt, back straight, shoulders back, head up and looking ahead but not directly at him. My buttocks rested gently on my heels, but I can still remember how vulnerable I felt. What was this feeling? It was also a bit exciting at the same time.

"Collar," he said out loud. His tone was clear. I extended my arms upwards, crossing them at those tiny wrists, and leaned my head down, lowering it. We had already discussed this before, still it was his custom to ask if I accepted his collar. The difference between real life and the World of Gor was that he could not slay me if I did not accept. Although this was rather fun, he took it very seriously. I felt the collar slide over my neck and very reluctantly, with a barely audible sound, managed to force the words through my parted lips. "I submit." I said. It didn't even qualify as a whisper, and he chuckled at this. "You should speak a little clearer, mine," he said after locking the collar in place. He walked back around me to stand in front of me and I moved my arms back down, just letting my hands rest in my lap casually, trying not to fidget.

"You will move to the bed and assume He Sleen. Do you understand?" He asked me. My mind went blank for a moment and I couldn't remember anything, caught up in the whirlwind of it all as he ruffled through a bag. The minutes that passed must have felt like hours to him, yet they felt like milliseconds to me as I was lost in my own thoughts. "Do you understand, girl?" He reiterated. I snapped back to reality with a light blush. "Yes." I said softly. "Yes what?" He probed me to say that word. That word I had so much trouble saying. So hard to get it out through my lips. I much preferred Sir over Master, but this was not the Gorean way. "Yes, Master," I replied with a slight sigh before moving to the bed and assuming the position.

In this position, you cannot see anything. You have no idea what is going to happen next and you are completely vulnerable. My hands were clasped behind my neck and I was on my knees and elbows, my ass in the air. Perhaps that wasn't good enough for exposure, as he commanded me to arch my back more. "You will receive a strike for each letter of the word kajira. Tell me mine," he said as he pulled a thick wooden paddle out of his bag, "How many letters are in the word kajira?" I thought about this for a moment, counting to myself. "Six," I responded. He then waited for me to fix my last response, wanting a Master at the end of every reply. "Six, Master," I said. I had never been in this position before and I had no clue how I was going to react. "Good. I want you to count."

I could feel my breath quickening. I couldn't see what he was doing so all I could do was brace myself for what was about to happen, without knowing when the impact would occur. Adrenaline rushed through my veins. I suddenly regretted all of those teasing, smart alek remarks I had made and wondered if those would go into the aggressiveness of the swing. The first one hit my left ass cheek, and it was hard, and made me startled, and I jumped and cried out at the same time. He seemed to get amusement out of this and he laughed. I scowled at his amusement. "Count." He said again. "One." I said. The next one landed on the opposite cheek, against bare skin, loud. I couldn't help but move again as I reluctantly counted. "A kajira takes this with grace. Stop moving." He commanded me. I remember getting to the third one, and nearly collapsing, my knees trying to buckle underneath me. "You aren't done yet," he said, giving me a moment to get back into the correct position. This took a bit longer than the patience he had, but he still allowed me a moment to recover.

As you can imagine, once he was finally done with this process, he moved to claiming me directly afterwards. This was my first real introduction into the lifestyle, through a Gorean Master, who I continued to torment. We continued to see each other off and on while we could, when we had a chance..and what happens next..will be in my next post. Until then...take care.

After my bad encounter with BDSM, I decided that wasn't normal and I wouldn't give up in finding something real. I joined a social community which at the time was called airg.

I met a lot of like minded individuals there, each with their own unique and interesting personalities. I became friends with other subs, dommes, doms, Masters, Mistresses, Freewomen or whatever they called themselves. There were people from both Gorean and BDSM backgrounds there.

I had a few online only experiences at first, but my sharp wit and playful tongue was no match for online doms and they soon gave up on me. Also, I was rather the amateur at the time.

Finally, I had my first real life experience with a Gorean Master. It was an on and off again type of interaction, and still I felt myself crave how strict and demanding he was, and laughed every time I thought about his reaction to me breaking a rule.

We didn't live together, and he travelled quite often, at the beginning. He also saw other kajira, and that was where I learned I had a very bad jealousy streak. He had the most extensive set of rules I have ever had in my time in the lifestyle, many of which I broke and some of which I followed. It really just depended on my mood that day. Sometimes I was just too tired to be of any trouble and I would be on my best behavior.

One time another Master taunted him by saying we were flirting, but in fact we were not. But this made him very angry and he demanded my logins into everything. I gave him those logins and then created new ones as I was not to be online without permission. Haha. Those were fun days. 

More on that story another time...

This is about a past experience I had long ago. Some of you might find this disturbing, so if you are sensitive to graphic content please do not read this. No comments necessary, I have moved on, learned and grown since. This is what I felt right after it took place.

We met inside of a public place where you introduced yourself with a million dollar smile

You seemed so kind and caring, charismatic with a light splash of charm

Over to your place I was invited and the walk wasn't too far, about a mile

I was very naive but in my newfound experience I never thought you wished me any harm

The parking garage was dark and desolate and you stood there waiting for me

Why were we meeting there I wondered and why couldn't we go inside into the warmth of an amber light

I could not fathom what would take place as you chose what you wanted me to be

And even if I said no, you didn't care how hard I struggled or if I put up a fight

My tiny frame was no match for your power as you stole what you wanted that wasn't offered to you

I could taste the salt from my tears as they ran down my cheeks and across my lips

Then I was afraid and didn't know what to say, where to go or who to turn to

As I walked into the night to get back home I could feel the marks your hands left in my hips

Alone I thought it was my fault and I blamed myself

But now that I'm older I realize you're the monster that put me through that hell

*I fully believe that all actions should always be safe, sane and consensual. Even if you have a fantasy, that should be agreed upon by both parties in advance. Respect and love one another, always*

I want to get close, but I always push away

Every time I think I want you the most, past thoughts lead me astray

My subconscious eats away at the sadness in my soul

Won't you come back to me again and make me whole 

Forgive me for telling you I didn't want you anymore

Forgive me for letting you walk out that door

Forgive me for everything I can't be for you

But please give me a chance to prove what I say is true

-What I write is random, off the top of my head, and does not pertain to any one person.

Does anyone else here ever have deep thoughts? By deep thoughts, I mean very thought provoking questions, that you really have to think about, but don't have the answer to. Maybe it's "Where do I see myself in a year?" or "What is this really?" or "What if..." What if's are always the most time consuming questions. And I don't mean what if in a negative connatation. I mean it in a situation like "What if I find a better paying job with my degree; where will that take me? What will my life look like?" 

Again, not lifestyle related, but, I tend to go through a lot of thoughts throughout my day. I realize I am an overthinker, as they call it..maybe I do think too much. Sometimes I wonder..if there is anyone out there that would ever just hold me in their arms..tell me they love me and actually give a damn. Then other times I think I'm too old to find anyone. Because yes, whether you believe it or not, that kind of love is possible in a dynamic.

Well, enough rambling for me today. I need to get up and busy. I hope you all have a wonderful day!

So today was interesting, to say the least, but instead of sharing personal details about my life I suppose I should keep things lifestyle related only. 

My body is laden with a layer of exhaustion, yet I cannot sleep

The seconds that go by seem to feel like hours filled with a winding tension

But these ongoing late night hours I must not continue to keep

My mind is a vast place yet it is with much apprehension

The darkness appears to take over when in the depths of my subconscious it starts to creep

It is with great regret that I reluctantly must mention

I shall surrender to the deep

Just something bad and random off the top of my head ? Good night.