Inside a Toxic Mind

I know I haven't been on much lately to chat, but life events have kept me away. I just thought I needed to share something that had me utterly disgusted.

I was scrolling through Facebook when I came across a video of a DDLG couple, and my first thought was "awe, cute!" Admittedly age play is a hard limit for me, but it warms my heart to see couples like this, knowing there are people out there willing to work with each other and be that comfortable around each other. 

So I watched the video, and it was actually super cute, but then i read the comments.

Has me literally nauseated to see all these comments. It doesnt affect their lives, but of course they have to put their disgusting 2 cents in..

Where is the love and support for this couple for having the courage to put such an intimate part of themselves out for the world?!

I have none. 

My brain is like a keg tapped dry.

You would think, all things considered, I would have a lot to express.

Guess I'm just a blank book right now.

I guess I have a lot of thoughts to be let out today...

She had fallen down, plummeting into her hole. She got up, broken, bleeding, squinting through swollen eyes. She was trying desperately to get out. Her foothold on the wall crumbled beneath her, her hands slipping off every grasp she had. They stood at the top of the hole, peering down with alabaster faces. " Just climb." They said.

With each peace of the wall around her that fell off, a leak came through. Small drops at first, but with each break the water came faster. Her nails were bloodied, tears streaming down her face.

The water was rushing in now, quickly filling up her little hole. She was frantic, screaming, as it quickly reached the level of her head. Every time she opened her mouth to breathe, another burst of water shot forth, choking her. She pleaded with them, peering into her hole. Eyes burning, she couldn't tell what was tears and what was water. "Please, help me!" She screamed. Her lungs on fire.

The alabaster faces gazes down at her, "Just Swim." 

She  gave up, exhausted. Her will taken over by unabated exhaustion. Her limbs were heavy, and she was numb. No longer did she feel the broken bones, no longer did she feel the fire in her lungs.

And she sank, down to the bottom of the hole.

First of all, I would like to thank everyone in The Cage community for being so welcoming. It's appreciated more than you know, and I quite enjoy the thoughtful messages and the distractions in chat. 

Early on I was posed with a question. "What brought you into this lifestlye?"

It's an innocent enough question, and an interesting one. One that I would like to ask others if given the chance. 

But here in lies my fault. When I was younger, I had a Tumblr. (*cringe*) I hate to think back on all the things I posted there, permanently on the internet. But one post in particular sticks out in my brain.

I remember it was around 3 in the morning, the witching hour for my brain, and I was thinking about all the fucked up things that got my gears going. I had already realized that I had fetishes that lied outside the vanilla realm, and up until that night I hadn't quite realized why. 

As I was growing up, I experience many years of trauma and abuse, I am not saying this to get pity mind you, I'm trying to paint a picture that I can see in my head and feel in my heart.

But that night as I thought about it realized maybe that's whast brought me into this lifestyle? Maybe the years of being beaten down into a pulp made me crave the need to please? It kind of makes sense to me in my head. All those years of what I went through, making me want to submit, making me want to make others happy. I don't know, it's hard to place into words exactly what I'm trying to say. Hopefully this doesn't come off as jumbled rambling.

Just some thoughts I needed to get out of my head.