This morning I wanted to send a greeting to someone. I like doing that, to bring a smile to someone's face. I like letting people know that they are in my thoughts. A small gesture that can mean a great deal.
However, I realized something minutes after I sent the greeting.
"Good morning. Happy Thursday"
...except its NOT Thursday! At least not in the timezone I live in. 😂
It was a reminder to me that I need to slow down. I dont know about you, but I can easily get ahead of myself, allowing my brain to spin in unnecessary circles of worry and axiety that zoom into the future. I need to stay in the moment...this moment. Today. Sometimes I have people in my life to help me with that, and I am thankful. I still need to remind myself too.
It is also a reminder for everyone to slow down. Don't get ahead of yourself. There is no hurry. Slowing down may mean less hurts and also more meaningful connections with people. That submissive you seem dead set on catching (ewww...but that's for another blog), that Dom you so desperately want to be with (Here's a secret....that kind of desperation is not a good color on you Darling)...slow down. That feeling of missing something because you don't have a partner doesn't mean you should rush at the first one that wants to swoop you up. I have learned, for me, the best connections are the ones that happen organically.
Happy Wednesday, friends!
I will be back to writing and sharing soon. But this made me smile :)
deep breaths....find the rainbow....there is always a sparkle, sometimes it is just harder to see.
my feelings lately....fish out of water here at the Cage.
Not "thin enough"
Not "sexy enough"
Not "smart enough"
Not "strong enough"
Not "open enough"
Not "thinking about sex enough"
Not "kinky enough"
Not "caring enough"
Or "good enough until better comes along"
Too strong, too modest, too controlling, too fat...too happy, too positive
And on and on and on
Not enough yet too much.
I am a very caring and passionate person. I have a depth that most people don't get to see. I love deeply and I care deeply. I carry the weight of the world sometimes on my shoulders. I have a heart that was created to be submissive. Having said that, I am also fiery and passionate, protective and crazy. Don't let my sweetness or my naive and innocent sides fool you. Poke the dragon too much and FIRE will and does come out!Yes, friends, even now I am frustrated.
Today it was suggested to me that i am not submissive at all. That people who wait for things to go their way or they just pick up the ball and go home are not submissive. That perhaps i needed a submissive to call my own... -
I suggested that a wise Dom once told me if a submissive isn't doing, or acting, or responding how you want her to act, then take time to teach her to be who you want her to be. She isn't a mind reader, she doesn't just know. (Even if you think said things are universal and just expected) I was told "that is advice I give baby Doms". I was called a smart ass. I was NOT being a smart ass, i was simply trying to make a point. It didn't work.
Of course there is a longer story behind this, but I am SO frustrated right now. Sparkly frustration is not pretty. Yes perhaps i should be more like a duck and just let it roll off my back, but instead at this very moment i am fired up.And I am not a duck....and those words are not rolling off! Instead i keep hearing them over and over and over again. I don't need to defend myself. I know i make mistakes too. The whole situation just has me irritated. I would not be any good to have a submissive of my own-I am not Dominant. Yes, I am strong willed and opinionated-yes my life has many unique pieces of the puzzle to make this work-Yes, I am not like all the other girls....but Dominant i am not.
I could let my brain loose down the rabbit hole and ponder the thought that I am not submissive either. That maybe I just need to throw the towel in....but, I know several people here who love me dearly that might have a few strong words to say about that.*sigh* one day these things won't bother me like this. but today is not that day.
I go to the Dungeon tonight, perhaps I will find some stress relief there...
P.S. trash-talking my former partners will not bring the respect you're looking for
Today is my One year Cageversary.
One year ago I set up an account here at Cage. I was so innocent, so sheltered, so wide eyed. I made a decision that I wanted to pop into the chat room fairly early on, I wanted to learn and get to know people. I am so glad that i did as some of those people have become such dear dear friends. And I have seen many highs and lows, walked through quite a bit with some of them. 💖 I have laughed until I cried and then laughed more. 😂
I think about the people that have come and gone in that time-so many. So many relationships and velcro collars. So much life. I wonder how some of them are doing in their life, how things are going. I came into Cage with a sense of wonder and a naive outlook that allowed me to believe the best in and of everyone. I quickly learned that was far from the truth as not everyone has the best in mind. Yet, even now, i still try and want to believe the best in people. People are important. People before Kink!
I know that in this process my own insecurities have waved their sparkly flag. I have hurt some. I have been hurt deeply by some. I have cried more tears than I would like to admit. I have been blocked by some. I have blocked others. I allowed my insecurities to be the filter that i responded from regarding blogs. (being blocked I cannot even write an apology or even open communication with the blog poster) I am truly sorry to anyone that I have hurt or offended in this process. I love people too much and i never want to be hurtful. I really do want the best for everyone. I run from drama. It hurts my heart to think that I have hurt anyone or caused distress, but that is all a part of life, isn't it? People on people on people...life on life....iron sharpening iron.
I have had some wild adventures here at Cage as well. NEVER would I have imagined that any relationship would come out of my being here. I didn't come here for that, I came here simply to learn more about BDSM and kink and try to figure some things out. i did quickly find a home, a community full of humans. If last year at this time someone would have told me I would go to Italy because of a relationship connection made and formed here at Cage, I truly would have laughed so hard. Truly. Yet, last month I was in Italy with him.
I have learned that because I am a relational person, it can give a false sense of connection. I am easy to relate to and connect well with people, but not all of those connections lead to giving my submission. Not at all. In fact, i have learned to be even more careful. I am always afraid I will give a bad impression or lead someone on, when really all i am doing is having a conversation and sharing my thoughts on a particular topic(s).
Though some would say I am still 'adorably innocent' (and others would say I am annoyingly innocent...or just annoying) I have definitely grown in this year. Due to conversations here in chat, I got brave and went to my local Dungeon. Now, I can be found there almost weekly. I'm not sure that i would have ventured into that had i not had the encouragement of my friends here! I still have so much to learn and experience, and there is no hurry. I know i don't see things the way "all the other girls" see them. I don't experience (or have the same experiences) as all the other girls. And sometimes, I allow my head voice to be stronger, and convince me that because i do not instantly think with 'gutter thoughts' or even always understand what is being said...or..or...or...that I am somehow 'broken'. (I'm not. Neither are you!) Sometimes I even venture down the rabbit hole thinking perhaps this isn't the place for me. But, you know what, it really is ok. I am unique and sparkly...I am me. And even i can have a place here too. Everyone enjoys a different flavor of pizza or ice cream, and I am certainly a flavor all of my own 😘 and in the eyes of the right person it will be the perfect flavor for them. In the hands of the right teacher, I am teachable.
And i hope that I have contributed to this community in some sparkly way <3
I still have so much more growing to do.... learning about myself, learning about others, learning about kink.....guess I will stick around for a while :)
It is finally here. Seeing as I booked this trip in July 2018, there has been plenty of build and anticipation leading up to this moment.
I remember when i booked this trip, we all joked about it being like a pregnancy. (Or at least almost that long.) And just like pregnancy there have been many moments with more questions than answers. Many many growing pains along the way.The time felt like it was never going to arrive, yet...here we are.
I have had MONTHS to prepare for this- yet I am SO nervous. Unbelievably nervous and scared and worried and antsy and excited. We BOTH are. We have grown to know each other on a very close, intense, personal level. Thanks to modern technology and video calls we know facial expressions. We know when the other is shutting down, know hurt in each other's eyes, when we are holding back or hiding something. We know the good. We know the crap....yet, even knowing all these things we still have insecurities popping up like crazy.
"Will you still like me after you meet me in person?"
"What if you think I am ugly?"
"What if we don't click?"
"Can I actually do this?"
And a whole host of other things. And honestly, its ALL normal. And exciting. And frightening. And happy. We are both excited and giddy to finally meet...in person....without the computer screen. To finally get a hug...a forehead kiss...to hold a hand...
All day I have felt like i am walking through a dream as I completed my packing and boarded a plane. In moments I will board the next plane....and then tomorrow we get a new chapter. :) I will close my eyes and hopefully sleep. And dream....
Thank you friends for sharing this with us. (Some of you have been in our corner since the beginning....still blows my mind) Whatever happens, I am so thankful. I know so many on here dream of being able to do the same-sometimes possible, and sometimes not. I don't take this big huge leap of faith for granted. Be happy in and enjoy what you DO get to experience and feel. I celebrate where you are. Your grass is yours to water and mine is mine....i hope my grass comes out sparkly. I don't care if it is greener 💚
Well folks, boarding has started... See ya on the flip side 💖 for now...i must remember to breathe ☺😉
****I have SO many songs in my head right now, and for so many different reasons. At least one one level they all feel different, yet, like so many things in our lives they are intertwined and intersect in strange ways. Instead of many different blogs, you just get the random shuffle of my thoughts and even some dedications go out tonight with the tunes. So sit back and enjoy the show! ****
Let me also simply address that for those of you who have gotten to know me, yes, there have been some changes. Centi is still in my life (I leave for Italy on Monday to see him...holy moly!), but we have made some big massive changes. IT IS OUR STORY AND IT IS WHAT IS RIGHT FOR US AT THIS TIME. Please don't go bugging him asking him about it! Having said that, what you are about to read isn't about him. I don't want the assumption train to derail there. Remember, there is ALWAYS more to someone's story, to their journey, than meets the eye.
To start, i have been singing this song all day. I was with small children, so i sang the clean version! This song is dedicated to a Treasure among us. You are valuable. <3
It can be so hard, believe me, recent events in my own life have this song in my mind as well. I don't always believe this about myself. I often need reminders. (And even then I have trouble always truly believing) Deep down, I know I am amazing. I really do. Sometimes though, being amazing and being perfect (or any other lovely descriptive words you want to add) to someone is simply not enough. What a weird situation! Welcome to a different variety of mind-fuck! 🙈
Like Cinderella's step sisters, even though they tried, (and i would go to great lengths to try!), some things just don't fit in this moment, in this time, in this space. And you can't make them! No amount of tears, no amount of heartbreak. Or pleading. Or desperation. Or lack of understanding. Or...or...or...
*This isn't a dig against myself, I know I am an amazing woman. I am NOT downplaying my importance in general or in the specific situation. 💗 *
But back to Cinderella's sisters, of course, this came to mind:
Now that you are done laughing, at least I am😂😂...*please note, i don't think of ANYONE like that. I see beauty in everyone no matter who they are 💖
So moving on to the next tune through my journey in my mind, when I am hurting, as i know with many of you, the range of emotions can just be an exhausting roller coaster ride....its true.
I wish i could say I was always ✨ sparkly, but raw and real isn't always sparkly. raw and real is simply that....from my heart, from my gut-often unfiltered and brutally honest.This song definitely hit close to home, although really it ISN'T about winning or losing. (I'll get back to that in a bit.)
This next tune is part of the emotional rollercoaster as well. The highs and the lows. And I just like the song.
Now that I have given you a recent tour through my head, I close with a final song. This is the song that truly summarizes my feelings in all of these situations. I am TRULY thankful for the gifts I have been given, the relationships I have in my life, what is yet to come. I am so lucky to have lessons learned, lessons I am learning, and ones I have yet to learn. (And the ones that are just on a repeat loop because I haven't quite conquered them yet!) My heart is big and feels emotions (both mine and those of others) in really big ways. And YES, I may go round and round about feeling like I was/am less than, or not enough, or wonder what I could have done differently...but at the end of the day it DOESN'T matter. It ISN'T about winning or losing. It's not about what I feel. Not really. Yes my feelings are valid and real and important- of that there is no question! But I love, give and serve sacrificially. This is NOT meant to be the cry of a victim nor am I trying to play the part of a martyr, it is simply the REAL cry of my heart:
And I chose this version because I LOVE her sparkly dress. I know...total shocker!
It's true. To See you Smile 💗, To know you are happy.... 💗 and I would do it all over again! I wish you well. 💗 I can't wait to see what is up ahead. 💗
I think i shall end the DJ Sparkalina shuffle for now. It's been an emotional time writing this (and rereading and editing and reading AGAIN...repeat...i have probably done this 25 times tonight!) Maybe another installment of Night Serenade with DJ Sparkalina will come after my trip to 🇮🇹 Italy 💖
Friends, thank you all for being a part of my life. Thank you for showing me reflections of myself. Thank you for sharing bits and pieces of you. Thank you for a space where I can be me. Keep your head up, add positivity and be uplifting where you can.You never know who your kindness will reach 💖