Splashes of Sparkle

I am unsure why i continue to be surprised by people, but yet,here I am. Surprised yet again.

Let me take you back to a conversation I was having with someone today.

Me: I finished my errands.

Him: Now your job is to sit and eat.

Me: umm.....

Him: I can see the results in the picture you sent me.

me. BLINK....BLINK...BLINK...."Did you really just say that? That it is my job to sit and eat, and the results are seen in the picture I sent? GROSS"

Him: Yes. I was only playing

Me: Well, it's not funny. AT ALL.

Him: I can see that. Sorry to offend.

Me: ....ok

Raise your hand if you think I will be continuing conversations with this person....

NOPE. NO WAY! NOPITY, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE! Did i mention NO????

I'm sorry, but maybe I'm just oversensitive. Maybe I am out of line. but, it seems completely inappropriate to me. I'm not sure what planet that would be acceptable to be honest. Surely doesn't make me want to run out and fall to my knees in submission. that would be a big fat NO.

The world would be a much better place if we were considerate of each other...and the HUMAN BEING behind the words being exchanged over the internet.

"I will not be your Dom"

Yes, this was part of an interchange I had here the other day. And while not an unreasonable thing to say (can't be everyone's little subbiest sub that ever did sub, now can I? 😂😂), It DID catch my attention.

But why? I'm sure glad you asked 😉

The reason it stuck out to me was simply that in my own mind I wasn't anywhere near having a conversation with the other party about THAT!

Were we conversing? Clearly. 

Were we finding out more about each other? Well, obviously, Sherlock!

Through conversations one can easily learn a great deal about someone else...their likes, dislikes, their biases and prejudices (we all have them), things that make them smile, their taste in songs, how they view themselves and the world they live in, etc...but again, my purposes in the conversation were not simply to gnab myself a Dom.

However, I was reminded of something. I have a sparkly personality (I know, I know... shocker!) And I try to be nice to everyone. But just because I strike up a conversation with you DOES NOT mean I am trying to wear your collar. If that was the case, I would likely have made my rounds through the crowds of Domliest Dom types and their Velcro collars. My friendliness should not be assumed as flirtiness. (Yes, even on a kink website!) 

Simply put, I am a Sparkly Princess making connections without assuming. One way I learn and grow is through interacting with others.  Collars and Doms and Subs and such should take some time. 

  And while I'm on the topic of assuming-dont assume that because I'm a sub means I will look like "Barbie"-my curves and my body are mine. I realize I may be less (well, ummm...more) than what you would hope for, no worries. I don't want to be everyone's cuppa. But, if you could kindly refrain from making negative and derogatory comments that cut- it would be most appreciated. 💖

So as I am tackling getting healthier, I was sitting here pondering some things. So many different plans. So many thoughts. 

Will you share yours? What worked for you? What are your go-to healthy tricks and tips?  Health tips? Meal plans? Exercise plans, thoughts on building muscle..share your thoughts on losing weight and being healthy. (Doing this for myself NOT because of ignorant people who comment on weight.)

Thanks friends! I look forward to your responses. Write them in comments, message me, or bond. Whichever :)

Negativity and/or body shaming will not be tolerated.

Lies. All lies. 

No sooner did Rose say the famous "I'll never let you go, Jack" .....and then blip, she does EXACTLY what she said she wouldn't do. 

And the audience sinks in that moment. 

(For those of you who may not get the reference...I am speaking of the movie Titanic)

Or when someone says "jump in, the water is great". When really it is freezing, or boiling hot, or you jump in but somehow they drained all the water out of the pool. Crash landing as you break your neck.

But sure, the water is great. 

By now you get my drift. I'm just so completely frustrated at the ability to blatantly lie. Why do people enjoy hurting other people? If you aren't interested, need a change, whatever, SAY SO. Even Daniel Tiger teaches children to USE YOUR (FUCKING) WORDS! Don't encourage people to tear down walls, peel back layers and then drop kick them into the pool with no water. Don't harp on how you are different, tell someone to be honest-then ditch them when they are honest.

Yes, I know I am enough. When insecurities and things jump in, don't reassure someone that you are there, that they are enough, and then kick them. 

I feel things strongly. And right now I just am hurt and frustrated and unfuckingbelievably irritated. Just when you think things will be different...yeah nope.

I haven't blogged for a while, for many reasons really. However, in coming back around here more frequently, I thought I would jump back in.

And I want to get to know people again. For those who don't know me, most people just call me Sparkles, some call me Sparky. @Alawey used to always call me sparkplug. 

  I LOVE complimenting people, seeing the good in people. So, buckle up, we might be here a while. And I hope no one gets their panties in a knot if I don't mention you. 

@VENIA i am so thankful you are in my life. You have been a rock for me . You have a beautiful soul. 

@WICKEDWAYS you seem to be an encouraging and quiet voice of reason.

@HISPROCLIVITY we may not speak as often as we used to. Girl your are amazing and a firecracker. You taught me a lot and were one of my biggest cheerleaders. 

@KNOTTYBEARNYC oh friend.....I could go on for a while. You came to me in one of my darkest hours. And you did it without a second thought. I care so deeply for you. I'm glad I have gotten to bottom for you, do ropey stuff with you, and share space in my home with you. Looking forward to this Corona stuff to be lifted and you can come stay again. I'm a lucky Sparkles, and you brighten my world so much.

@LAZULI you are a smart cookie. I still keep some advice from you close to heart. If it's not a "Fuck yes" it is not enthusiastic consent. 

@SAVIDA i miss talking with you. You are another smart cookie. Intuitive and not willing to put up with shit. You are far stronger than you realize and twice as beautiful as you will ever know.

@DOLLMAKER you are a passionate believer in doing right. Your blogs are full with your creative eye for DollMaking. I adore how much you truly care for Savida. 

@SENSUALSUBGIRL you find ways to be positive and have handled situations with much grace. You really are sweet. And You matter-big girl and Princess. 

@STASSIA hey beauty queen. Don't shy away from how awesome you are.and you make me smile. 

@MORLEY girl, you are never afraid to be you. To use your voice. And sometimes we write fun poetry...and we get good laughs.

@SWEETSIRRENDERING you shine. You are a gem, a treasure. You are knowledgable and practical. 

@PHEONIXJ you have a strength and resiliency. You have seen dark places. You are a front line hero, and we appreciate you!

I know I am forgetting many amazing people, however I should go to sleep. But I want you all to know, everyone has sparkles of amazingness. Yes, everyone.

P.s. even the ones that you, the reader, might have issue with. Your perspective is yours, you see it through your lens. Even those people are amazing too. In fact, someone somewhere probably thinks the world of them-they are a mom, a dad, a sister or brother, a Love, an Aunt or Uncle, Grandpa/Grandma, best friend, etc.

And just because this song got stuck in my head when I read the title of this challenge: 

  I joined Cage almost exactly 2 years ago. (April 11!) That is totally crazy to me. So much life and time has gone on in those two short years, it is almost unbelievable. I remember immediately coming and getting involved in the chatroom to learn. I had so much to learn! I used to spend so much time in "these halls", yet now i feel like i need a visitor's pass. 

The other day i decided to come and read through personal ads. I do that from time to time because i just like to see what other people are looking for, how they see the world, and how they see themselves.Okay, full disclosure, sometimes I read them because i need a good laugh....truth hurts.

You can learn a great deal that way, to be honest. As i was reading through the ads, there was one that caught my attention. * A female submissive looking for a male Dom. (see, i read through ones that have nothing to do with me or what i would want. I'm not actually looking for myself!) Her ad stopped me dead in my tracks because honestly she reminded me so much of myself in another time of my life and my journey. 

Get comfortable folks. it's story time. You see, when you don't realize your worth as a human being, sometimes that will lead down roads you think you should go on, but really inside it is tearing you apart. There was a time that i believed because i am a very overweight woman that i somehow deserved less than others. That the only true way to find attention, especially in a BDSM community was to believe that I deserved to be degraded and humiliated. And there are plenty of people that will jump on that shit so freaking fast!  Its wicked scary to be honest! You see, there is a fine line there. I AM NOT KINK SHAMING if degredation and humiliation are your thing.

YOU DO YOU, BABYCAKES! 

However, my gut told me there was more to it. So I messaged this new member, just to strike up conversation and be a welcoming person. She responded rather quickly, and i learned it was exactly as I thought. Her ad, her profile, were all written in a way that was terribly degrading NOT because she enjoyed it, but because she felt that is what she had to do and how she had to be. She was crying and pouring her heart out in messages to me about the horrible things people were saying to her in the messages. Rather how she felt with what they were saying. Their responses were possibly appropriate to the way she described herself and what she put out an ad for, how she represented herself. I will choose to believe that some of those people would be mortified if the knew she was crying and sad. Others, maybe not so much-rotten apples in every bunch! However, as a reader reminded me in a message just now, right off the bat those messages are inappropriate. They weren't taking the time to get to know HER. learning HER. So sad when people don't realize the delicate (and sexy) mental tango. 

That was her very first day on Cage. It was also her last day. She deleted her profile. She may be back, i hope she does come back. If she does, i hope she can be her authentic self. Girlfriend, it doesn't matter if you are thin or really really really large, you are a person first! If humiliation and degredation aren't your thing, they NEVER EVER have to be a part of your journey. If you want to, hey,the world is your proverbial oyster, have at it!

I have seen some pretty amazing degredation and humiliation scenes at the Dungeon. I continue to toy around with the thought in my head, but it isn't likely. I am so sparkly and sensitive, i think it would just hurt my heart. However, i'm not closing the door completely.....time will tell!

Stay sparkly, friends. 

Hello darkness, my old friend...

Well, not darkness, exactly, but I have definitely been feeling "some kind of way" about some things recently. Its kinda been messing with me. And I don't like it! Things have stirred up feelings of inadequacy, feelings of hurt and frustration, and more.

As I told a dear friend just this morning, the feelings all seem to coexist, yet it doesn't make sense in my head.

"Like on one hand I am happy for the "happy" that someone else is experiencing, yet...I still want to scream. Want to punch something, want to puke, and fall into a puddle and cry! It's ridiculous!"
She responded with truth. Her response rocked me to the center of my being, because she was right. She said 

"That's not ridiculous at all. It's actually the most truth I have heard in awhile. And I believe everyone feels that way, but never admit or accept it. If that makes sense?"

Yes, it most certainly made sense. A GREAT DEAL OF SENSE. And then about an hour later I saw this posted on facebook-

I think I will also add that it doesn't matter if the other party/parties involved understand or whether they think you "have right or reason" to be upset, respond the way you do. 

My friend also reminded me that for people like us, we are overly sensitive and have big hearts. We feel deeply, and all of those become a part of WHO we are. It's so true. I feel BIG....not only my own hurts, but the pain and hurts of others. It also makes me fiercely protective of others. Although, just because my experiences include getting run over by a proverbial semi-truck, doesn't mean the same will be true for the next person. (And perhaps that is better for a different blog, another day...)

These moments that make me "feel some kind of way"-I may not like them. I may not enjoy the brain tornados of feeling inadequate and small. I certainly don't like feeling "not so sparkly"- however, then I remember that the sparkle is not simply a happy, cheerful,optimistic persona. The SPARKLE is authenticity and being REAL 💖 the Sparkle is even in the anger and the hurt. the Sparkle is me....all the parts, all the pieces, all the emotions...

I stated in my profile, I would do it over again-EVERY time. And I mean that. Relationships are worth it! People are worth it! 💖

**I must also add, all of these things not only impact me. They impact me and therefore impact the way I relate to other people. My collar tag says I'm currently under consideration with a Dom. And this DIRECTLY impacted him and I'm thankful that he didn't let me work through this alone yesterday when the brain tornadoes were at their highest. He allowed me to give words to what I didn't want to give words to. And I'm very thankful 💝

It seems that I'm on a roll with blogs about numbers of words. Maybe it's because they are important, 🤷 or maybe it is purely coincidental and you probably don't care about this part, yet, here we are. 🙊😂💖

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

I recently had a play interaction with someone. It was a bit of online fun, or so I thought. However, the very last words from me were  FUCK YOU!

Yes, part of my sparkly charm is that I am strong willed, strong minded and passionate. I care fiercely. (it's true, don't believe me- try me!) But those two words, that particular phrase...is something I use rarely and with caution. 

A little bit of storytelling. 📚

Like many people, I have areas of insecurities- some much bigger and stronger than others. (And that is OKAY!) I have one particular area that I am so sensitive about. Long story short, the other person knows and has known this. They demanded something, poking that insecurity in the center, I got overwhelmed and upset, and they said "What's wrong wussy?!"

(WUSSY?! Are you 10 years old?! Pretty sure that's the last time I ever used that word!)

once I picked my jaw up off the floor, fiery passionate Sparkles came out. Days pass, I confront them again in a calm manner, asking how they could do this to me?! Why?I thought perhaps if I understood their thought process, I might gain a better understanding. But...no. *sigh*

"I'm done. I don't need someone who swears at me like that?"

Well buddy, guess what.....

I may be sparkly,I may be overly optimistic,

I may try seeing the best in everyone, but

Enough!

This kind of behavior is not ok.

Humiliation and degradation are NOT my kinks. If they are yours, great! You do you, Babycakes. 

Sure, help me grow past where I ever thought I could be, but I already feel broken in that area. Breaking me more is not the answer.

SO to all those who act in deplorable ways to others- (non-negotiated of course), to the narcissistic, to the liars, to the ones who use and abuse, the cheaters,  the ones who get close to others and the disappear, the heartbreak Kings and queens, the ones who keep others as dirty little secrets, the wannabes and instadoms, and so many others....

FUCK YOU!

*May we all deal with far less asshattery in this coming New Year.*

And to those genuine people out there, don't lose heart. You are worth far more than you know! You are a sparkling gem- I see your beauty. And thank you to those who help pick up the messes in the aftermath of crap like this.  oneThe The protectors who help us lift us back up. The ones who seek to repair the damage. To you, I have two very different words- 

THANK YOU! 💖💖💖

i am a much bigger fan of THOSE two words!

Before you get all excited, or roll your eyes, I am not talking about I LOVE YOU! Although those are great words. 

I have been having conversations with someone recently. I quite enjoy it...a great deal actually. I mentioned I was suddenly very sleepy.

He responded with "Go to bed."

But...but...but...

I would have LOVED to keep chatting, however, one thing I appreciate is that he doesn't mince his words. He says what he means and means what he says. His words are chosen carefully and with purpose. I am fairly confident that any protests to stay up, any response involving anything but going to bed, would not have been the correct response. 

So, I did!

I thanked him, said goodnight, and signed off the Cage. I don't normally sign off, I simply just stay logged on and go about my business. Yet, with those three words off I went.  

Yes, those are the three little words. That's it. Three words that were on my mind when I woke up. Three words that are still on my mind now. (Perhaps because this is the 5th time I have attempted to write this blog, but thanks to glitches in the Cage Matrix and the world of the internet...here I am)

Three words...7 letters..

What the heck?!

Wait...wrong three words...😂

Now we all know it isn't simply those three words. And if those words came from anywhere else, the power would not have been there in that same capacity.

Connection is a beautiful thing....one that I seek, and crave. One that I feel happy to have found. 

Here is to more connecting.  💖🌹not sure where this is going for sure, but I am thankful In this moment.

some may have noticed, some may not but I've been relatively absent around here. It can become really easy to feel like no one notices if you're gone. although I know that's not true! there are people who have noticed and people who do stay in touch. Yet, I drift further away...

I feel like I'm slowly and aimlessly drifting... downstream? Or is it upstream?! I don't even feel like I know anymore. I know it's just a phase and I know it's just a Time, but it feels a bit crazy. It's relearning about yourself. It's relearning about your relationship with other people.

It's also a time of questioning almost everything. Things I once thought I knew, I need to relearn. Even within the scene, at the local dungeon, things that have brought me joy in the past 18 months, are not necessarily bringing me joy anymore.

My interactions with many Dom types have led me to a space that I question what I'm even doing here. Sometimes I really wonder if I'm trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. (Me, of course being that square peg.) I used to guard and defend so heavily who I am within the scene, but now I just feel like I'm not so sure.

I am definitely not fond of this time and space, yet, there are Sparkles to be seen even in the midst of it. Beauty can be found anywhere as long as we're willing to open our eyes.

*About now my blogs normally would have a cute graphic or picture, but this time has also led me to simply being a basic member here on Cage. So that means you can use your imagination for the graphics that would normally go here ☺️*

Honestly I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. Maybe it's just an outlet. Maybe it's because some of you out there can understand. Feeling adrift can often also lead to making some decisions that might not be the healthiest. I feel such a strong pull to communicate with someone that I have previously communicated with and tried to make it work with before. I couldn't be who he wanted, and his last words were that he didn't even know if I was worthy of his time. Yet I want to reach out again. It's definitely not the wisest of decisions for my heart.

I think maybe I see through sparkly colored glasses and am looking for rainbows and butterflies. My brain would like to tell me that is where the problem lies and perhaps reality is more soul crushing...

And I drift further...it's a recurring theme actually- me not being able to be who They wanted or needed....or being what and who was wanted, yet still not...

It's a bit lonely, this drifting...alone, yet not alone, yet alone just the same. Honestly not sure where this drifting will take me. I wonder if it will take me away completely out of the scene....or is it just a refining time.