Chaos Cutie Musings

He is gravity

And I am the apple aching towards the ruin of his pull

He witnesses the violence of my wanting—

As I build entire worlds between the push and pull of his name

 

I yearn to be something he reaches for

There is a quiet tragedy

in the way he effortlessly beckons me—

While he remains unmoved,

And I drown in devotion in his orbit

 

I want to be his lips

To taste every syllable that escapes from them

I want to be his eyes

To unlearn my world and see how it bends in his presence

I want to be his arms

To know the weight of holding everything he touches

I want to be his hands

To shape myself to his desires.

To feel what pleases him

I want to be his lungs

To empty and fill at his command

Until all that is left of me is him

 

But instead, I am here—

Drunk on a feeling that has no home,

hopelessly devoted,

shamefully obsessed

On my knees begging for a word,

A glance,

A fragment to obsess over

 

He owns my dreams

He haunts the edges of my every thought—

An agonising constant presence

That I cannot touch

Still, I live for him

My decisions are shaped in his shadow,

My choices made for approval

He never offers, never withholds—

Because he was never holding me at all

 

So, I crave to become

The very thing he desires—

To stop orbiting,

And finally, be

The apple that succumbed to gravity

I have this urge to split my thoughts,

To sort, label and shade every feeling

I know it says a lot about me

It's too controlled, planned

and suspiciously revealing.

 

Every thought sits in a labeled file

Every memory sealed tight,

Every restless fear pushed to the back

To keep it out of sight

 

Every story rests comfortably in it's own book,

Every painting in its designated frame,

Every coat hangs on its numbered hook,

No wondering at all.

 

The world should keep its careful shape,

It's people should stay still,

A face should not become a mask,

That time can bed at will.

 

No lover swearing they will stay,

Should just dissolve into the air,

A vow once carved out in ink,

Should stay exactly there.

 

Friends I knew in childhood streets,

Should stay where they began-

Like landmarks fixed and bound to the map,

Not drifting because they can.

 

The children I once sat beside

In rows of wooden chairs,

Should live forever in those halls,

Not greet me unaware.

 

The smiling ones should stay alight,

No brightness from them should ever fall,

The cheerful should not learn the dark

That waits to greet us all.

 

But my mind is an archive

That trembles deep into the night 

The draws begin to slide apart,

The labels lose their bite.

 

Folders tear

Records fade

The cheerful order slips

Old grief leaks through the brittle seams

Of once secure transcripts.

 

My shelves collapse

My papers fall

My system comes undone.

For feelings are unruly things

That scatter when they run

 

And the world feels wildly broken

When your mind demands control

 

But I know it was you.

You who rattled all my careful locks,

Who sunk your fingers in my spine

You loosened every careful thought,

Every opinion and belief that I called mine

 

Darkness poured through my every fracture,

As you made me crawl

through the chaos I had cast,

yours to hold,

yours to last.

 

There are many baffling things we encounter in life. Yes, often we are confused by what we do not understand.  I admittedly don't understand a lot of things. And I find that trying to understand too much is a bit exhausting. However, my mind can't help but wonder... 

1) Why some people are so completely fine with not being on time. Do you not experience a crashing wave of anxiety? Do you not apologize 10 times to the person for being late? Do you not feel terrible when  someone has to wait for you? Genuinely some people are so fine with being late... how? Some people arrive somewhere an hour late and are shook when they are called out.

2) Why people who you know for years and years don't communicate issues they have with you. I mean we are not 13 on the school playground whispering about each other. If people have an issue with you (especially people you concider friends) why is it so difficult to talk to them about it? I would rather be butt hurt about it for a few days... think about your perspective, get over myself and move on than spend MONTHS being super upset because all of a sudden the person you've been talking to about me has come forward telling me about issues we could have communicated about years ago. I really hope you guys don't do this. Please even if you know they are going to be upset or angry... rather talk about it. 

3) Why cats choose humans. I mean sure we feed them and pet them and that's enough reason to come back... but my cat drools on me because she gets so happy when she is with me. That's pretty damn weird. And it's not even like I'm the one feeding her most of the time. I'm also pretty sure she thinks I gave birth to her... that might be the answer to my question. 

4) Why self motivation is so fucking hard. My mother told me once "you're the most convincing person you know, you convinced yourself to make all the bad decisions you've ever made" ( I'm pretty sure she didn't come up with that though but I don't know where she got it)... damn. Then why am I so bad at convincing myself to do things that are actually good for me?? Like can we not carry the 1 over? 

5) How people have truly meaningless sex. I mean the fuck and leave the next morning and never think about them again typa sex. How? Even if I don't even like you that much it will spin around in my head and I'll have to speak to the person afterwards. Hell, I've kissed strangers and I want to talk to them again... and I'll get butt hurt if they don't want to. And no, I don't necessarily think I need a relationship to come from every kiss I have ever had... but I do think it's a strange concept. Am I weird for this?

6) Why some public bathrooms don't have locks. Ok... yes they must have had locks once upon a time. But do you know how disgusting it is to have to put my bag on the floor to stop the whole world from seeing me pee? I think it should be added to bathroom inspection lists. 

7) How I can have a whole conversation with someone in English and they won't understand what I am saying.  I forget how much slang we South Africans can throw into our speech. But although I understand the why... it's just confusing to think that some people don't speak that way. 

8) The way some of you people fall in love so quickly. One week in and some people are a couple, 3 weeks later moved in together, and 6 month later some crazy people are married. I do not understand this. I need more time to concider some people friends than you do to be pooping with your partner in the same room.

9) People who bite food at the same spot as someone else. Ok mind you I know when I learnt about germs when I was 7 it was the end for my parents.  I wouldn't even drink out of the same cup as my mother. And when I was in my 2nd year of uni a guy wanted to taste my drink and I pulled a face and he laughed and asked how I ever kiss men... and yes this is a fair point BUT to be completely fair it did take me a while to warm up to the kissing thing... and I have worked on it a lot, I now let my thirsty friends who I like take a sip from my water bottle (and sometimes other people but then I don't drink from that bottle for the rest of the day so I don't think that counts) but you people that hold out a chocolate bar or sandwich for me to have a bite from the same spot you just bit... na ah please no. (Ironically after having said this I will admit that it is a bit hot to think of someone spitting in my mouth which is arguably much worse... but I do still think thats disgusting as fuck... maybe that is what makes it hot?) 

10) People who are the victims of every circumstance. Yea we get it life sucks... I'm sorry shit happened to you. And yes I know I definitely have cases where I embrace victimhood so I am a hypocrite. But guys... please can we calm down on this front. If we had to list everyone's shit they've been through we would be here for eternity and we would walk away feeling victimized for having to listen to all that. And yes I'm sorry, and no you didn't deserve that... but can we actually start taking a bit more responsibility in life? No, it's not your fault that happened to you... but you know what? Maybe we should do better with how we respond to these things? 

 

 

Anyways that's all I have to say about that... for now.