Over the last few days looking over my dating past I have come to realise that I Am The Girl In Reserve.
Now I know some of you will wonder what that means. To me it means the girl that is average looks, average height, average intelligence, average geek, average job, average personality, in short totally average.
What I have doesn't set me apart from everyone else, it doesn't make me sparkle, it doesn't make me anyone's first choice in a partner.
I'm like a ghost of a girl hovering around in the background hoping that someone will see something worth exploring and forever being disappointed.
I'm 37 years old have been I love a few times in my life and yet not one person has ever loved me back.
I've been the subtitute, the friends with benefits, the rebound, and the girl not worth waiting around for, the hidden girlfriend and the convience. It's hard to realise that I just don't inspire the type of devotion that makes being with me worth it.
And it makes me wonder what I am doing wrong. What is it about me that projects the wishy washy, luke warm, lack luster response from men that I'm interested in. As a natural giver I give everything that I have to the person that I'm with and maybe that doesn't make me exciting, worth chasing, worth persuing but in sub terms it should make me a desirable partner instead it just makes me and emotional door mat.
Don't get me wrong my last partners have enjoyed fucking me but it has never developed into anything more than that for them and it leaves me feeling the emotional absence that I crave.
I've spent the last five year trying to find someone who thinks I'm the joy and meaning in his life, who accepts me for who I am but maybe I need to address myself and make changes for the better to be able to attract that.
I said in my last journal entry that I have seen what I crave out of a Dom but how do I demand It as a sub from my future Dom? How do I get out of this cycle of girl in reserve to achieve that?
I Don't Want To Be The Girl In Reserve Anymore.
5 years ago. April 22, 2018 at 1:05 PM