*I share this because maybe I am not the only one experiencing this headspace. Maybe these musings of my own, given what I am currently experiencing, help someone else find comfort or a solution. Not necessarily looking for advice, but respectful input is always welcome, of course. Thank you in advance for your time. *
Sometimes, I wonder if you know how much the silence bothers me these days. I never used to mind when you were quiet for stretches of time, but that was when it was once in a blue moon. Now its everyday. Every day, there are multiple messages from me, and one from you. It’s tearing me apart. I hate it. I feel like I don’t have an owner anymore. I certainly act like it right now. I feel like you aren't concerned with me. I realize it's a sign of trust; the lack of constant check-ins to make sure I’m in compliance is a positive step in the relationship, and it also shows that work and obligations keep you too busy. I wish that didn’t mean I couldn't talk with you as much.
I never thought I would feel neglected. I have concerns: I worry am not seeing the flags for what they are, and I need to prepare for something I don’t yet see coming. I’ve always known this dynamic would require patience. I’ve always been willing to wait happily. You were always there, though. Every morning and every night began and ended with words from you. You turned those moments into rituals of worship between us. Then you stopped having time to keep those appointments. I have mentioned the strain I feel in our bond. This seems to yield only minor results over short periods. But you’re a busy man….
A slave should not demand attention from their Master. I hate even thinking about approaching the topic, especially since lately it feels rather repetitive. I feel out of line even for saying, "I want more of your time." Yet, I do. I used to have a considerably larger amount. My headspace depended on you, and it still does, and I'm exhausted keeping a constant without fuel. The inner dialogue in my head tells me this is just a test of endurance. Life will slow down once more in time. I just have to make it through, and for a while now, that’s worked. I’ve managed to get this far, but I find myself contemptuous. My attitude is out in full, and everyone is a target. I am in bad sorts overall; the bad days are stacking up. I am letting this get to me, even if I wish it weren't.
I have asked you so many questions over the last few weeks, and you have answered none. I am not sure you even read the messages containing the questions. Again, I message all day because you used to enjoy it, but now those messages just stack up and look decidedly one-sided in the chat. I usually go quiet until you say hello again, to avoid looking even more desperate or crazy. I know it's just from a day’s worth of communication, but so many thoughts going unread and unanswered give a girl a complex.
I ask myself: when is the right time to consider whether this is still working? How do I know if I need to speak up more or if there’s nothing more talking will do? I ask myself if the demands of life for both of us are becoming a divide we can’t fight against. I wonder if this is just natural and things like this happen all the time, and it’s a part of the lifestyle I haven’t experienced yet. You are the first Master I’ve known…… I’m happy, I’ve been happy since the day you took me into your mentorship and service. While I am happy, I don’t know if I feel fulfilled or seen anymore the way I used to. I tell myself I’m complaining and giving it too much focus and thought. I compensate and feel shame for even thinking any of this. I am… so lost while trying so hard to be strong.