The Inner Workings of A Serial Submissive

I have been doing some inner construction, measuring, cutting away, adding to, feng-shuing. As with most everything, I need to see it in writing. Things get jumbled up in my head and I lose track of where I am in the process or what I was working on. I need to be able to go back to it and reread it. I need it in black and white.

Habits to change:

1  Being afraid to say no to people. They do what I allow them to and only I can set and keep my boundaries.

2  Being afraid to walk away. Not everyone is made to fit into my life. Waiting for them to become what I need is a waste of time.

3  Being afraid that I don't deserve good things or good treatment. I deserve to be important and loved, and made to feel those things without question.

4  Being afraid that I am not enough. I have some very wonderful qualities that make me a great person. 

5  Being afraid to be true to myself and not conform to what others want me to be. I will never be happy if I am not truly myself and always have to play a part. 

Why do I do these things?

I noticed that each one started with "being afraid". I am afraid to hurt other people's feelings and not worry about what it does to me. I feel guilty for upsetting or inconveniencing anyone no matter how it affects me. I am worried that people will see that I am not worth the time and effort that I need, so I don't give them the opportunity to get close.

What happens if I change these habits?

I will attract the right people for me, the ones that will be proud of me for this. I will have true friends and loved ones that will respect my boundaries and love me for who I am and what I offer to the relationship. I will be freely given the same love and care that I give. They will build me up and help me when I stumble. 

I will lose the toxic and fake people. The ones that prey on my weakness will tire of me and move on. Their true nature will shine through and I will see them for what they really are. I am so much better off without them anyway, so why worry about pissing them off. 

So here it is. I WILL NO LONGER LIVE IN FEAR! I will stand my ground and love with my whole heart. I will allow others to really see me and decide where they fit into my life by their actions. I will allow others to love and care for me as I deserve to be loved and cared for.

I had a dream last night that we were in one of those big garden mazes. We were in separate parts, but close enough to talk and laugh. You would sound so close, like you were just around the next corner, but I could never get to you.

I would run, expecting to turn the corner and bounce into your arms and feel your strength and warmth as you kissed me. I desperately wanted to be with you. At first it was fun and a game, but then the mood changed. 

My delight turned to frustration and frenzy. You began toying with me, on the verge of being mean. I felt upset and on edge. The more I asked to end the game, the more harsh your words became. If I was good enough, I would find you. If I tried hard enough to please, I would get what I wanted. If I was enough, you would stay.

I found myself in the middle of the maze alone. I sat down on a bench and started to cry. As I listened, there was only silence. Where had you gone? Would you really leave me here by myself, lost in this maze without your guidance?

Now awake, the feeling of the dream still lingers. 

Sheets of glass in many colors sit in my shop waiting to be broken and shattered and melted down. Some forms of beauty cannot be attained or achieved without destruction. Each cut and break is for a purpose. Each degree hotter causes more pliability. Even pieces that are broken beyond use can be melted and repurposed.

     We are like glass. Life can break and cut. Daily pressures can bend or smash. The beauty is in how we deal with it all. The more intricate and colorful the subject, the more beautiful it is.

I was looking for things to do to stay busy and to stay out of the way of a very pissed off surgeon, while I waited for my patient to head back to the OR suite. The patient was a total train wreck and the anesthesia team was having a difficult time in deciding exactly what they were going to do with her, but that is a different story for a different day.

 I walked to the next set of bays over and asked a fellow nurse if she needed any help. She said that I could start her patient’s IV for her while she asked the medical questions. I walked into his bay and introduced myself. He had a quiet, calm air about him. I briefly explained what I was going to do so that I wouldn’t disturb my coworker as she did the talking. 

I always pump the cart up when I start an IV. I want the area close to eye level as I sit on the stool so that I don’t have to bend over and strain my back. I had pumped the cart up and was basically kneeling at this man’s side as I was holding his hand and looking for a good vein.  This was when I began to notice the pattern of the sleeve tattoo that he had.

The pattern was quite detailed and ornate. Right at eye level to me was a line of small BDSM symbols hidden in the pattern! Now that I had seen them, they popped right out of the sleeve like they were the main focus. I was mesmerized and before I could stop myself, I reached up and traced a finger down the line of the symbols. I could feel his eyes on me and looked up.  He knew!   I could see it in his eyes, he knew that I knew what they were and what I was.   

I continued on with my job and put the IV in. As I was finishing up, he looked at me and said, “Thank you, little one.” It was quiet and no one else heard it but me.   I didn’t know how to respond other than to lower my eyes and back out of his room.    

I have thought of that all day. I was surprised by the whole experience, by how it made me feel, by how I am still thinking of it. It was a brief connection, but a connection nonetheless. 

With great power comes great responsibility" was originally written back in 1793 by Voltaire.

As a Dominant, you request that a submissive give their power to you willingly. That is the thrill of it, as I understand it. The willingness to do so is the ultimate act of submission. It is a submissive's way of showing that they trust you with their body, heart, and well-being. This is the "great power" part. Dominants give rules and routines that must be obeyed and adhered to or there will be consequences. We submissives do understand that these are in place for our own good and for your pleasure. 

But is this submission free? Do submissives require anything in return? This is the  " great responsibility" part of it. Our submission is never free and we do require quite a bit in return. We require our Dominant to live up to the fundamental rules that have been set up by us. If you expect an open and transparent relationship, we expect it of you also. We expect you to lead by example.

It is respect in it’s purest form. You ask it of us and we give willingly, but only when you give it first. Without that, it feels like a double standard and can cause resentment or hurt feelings. Treat us as you as you would want to be treated. Always keep that in mind.

We submissives need to take an active role in this as well. We need to give constructive feedback and reassurance. Ask questions and set boundaries, and keep in mind that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes

This great responsibility is no easy feat and none of us are perfect. It takes lots of communication and understanding. It takes evaluating the situation and finding ways to make it better. Done properly, the responsibility part shouldn’t always feel like work. Sometimes it can be the fun stuff.  

I came upon a new acronym for me today.  SAM or smart ass masochist.  Maybe you have heard of this, but I hadn’t. Needless to say, I have been down a rabbit hole and I am still not sure what to make of it.  Some, like the article in Kynk101.com, use the words SAM and brat interchangeably. Their only separation of the two are as follows…

yet other sites and forums such as this B.D.S.M. forum on FaceBook has this to say about them…

I admit that I have a playful, sassy side, and I love to joke around. I’m not sure that I would consider myself a SAM, but it’s definitely been food for thought today.

I have thoroughly enjoyed my relaxing day and now working on the delicious snacks for tonight’s celebrations.  Football has been on in the background.  I have giggled more today than I have in a long time. 

Who knew that I would have such good luck in my new red bra and panties!  Maybe there is something to this superstition thing…..just sayin’.   😁

When I was beginning in this lifestyle I had no idea that subs were the ones with the power and control and that we give our gift to a worthy Dominant.  I never asked questions, for fear of being rejected or deemed too difficult. Now I know that is so unwise as it is unsafe.   I ran across this article and thought that I would share it with others who might be new and not know that it’s not only good to ask questions, but their right.

It's quiet this evening. The only noise is the radio playing softly in the background. We are in the shadows but close enough to the fire that I can see the flames dance in your eyes, or maybe what I see is your desire for me. The cool air kisses my bare skin as the heat of my need burns me from within. 

You are positioned in the corner of the sectional and I am straddling your lap. My wrists are bound in my cuffs and fastened together behind my back. I am at your mercy. I have been wet for hours with the plug that I wear for you.

 Your pace has been slow and sensual, teasing me to the edge. My nipples are hard from the cool night and your attention to them. I see your face change. I know that look of hunger when the restraint has worn thin and you need to take instead of give. 

Your hands become vices on me as you thrust up into me, slamming into the core of my need. Laughter bubbles up out of me as I arch my back and cum. It pleases me to know that I bring out the beast in you. 

As I cuddle into your chest, you slowly trace a finger up my now sensitive back and it makes me giggle. You tell me that this is one of your favorite times with me. You say that you love my giggle and my ticklishness. 

I am so content at this moment. How could I not giggle from happiness.

Today is my anniversary of being introduced into the D/s world. 13 years ago I was dating a very nice gentleman that had a very high profile career. He was confident, charismatic, and definitely what I would consider to be dominant in his every day life. I had just ended a practically sexless married and was enjoying myself immensely. 

     He was romantic and intoxicating. He would light candles and have soft music. The foreplay was incredible. However the longer we were together, something started to feel off, like we weren't on the same wavelength any more. When I finally got up the courage to ask if he didn't find me attractive any more, he apologized for making me feel that way and opened up to me what the problem was. 

    He began to tell me that he was a submissive and enjoyed being spanked and humiliated during sex. I was shocked! How could this powerful and influential man want these things? He then asked if I felt that I could do these things for him. I asked for some time to think about it all and he said that we had all the time in the world. 

     The night was set and I went to his house dressed for the part that I was to play. I had on a black silk bustier, stockings, and a red lace thong. I had no real idea what I was going to do and I figured that I could wing it. I mean really, how hard could it be to spank a guy and say mean things? It was much tougher than I thought!

     After our normal foreplay I laid down on the bed and told him to take my thong off using his teeth.  I then told him to strip in front of me and put my panties on. His eyes lit up and I could see that he found this new play a turn on. I propped up on my elbows and watched this strong, dominant man follow my every command. I laughed as he stood before me wearing nothing but my panties and the embarrassment on his face. 

 I laughed because I was nervous and at a complete loss as to what to do next, not because I was trying to be humiliating to him. Things went downhill from there. I had mean words and sentences pop into my head as we continued playing, but none of them would come out of my mouth! I was embarrassed to say them and afraid to make him angry or hurt his feelings. This was all so foreign to me and I was bombing badly.  

     The night didn't end the way either of us wanted. At the height of my attempt of dominance and humiliation, "red isn't your color" was the worst I could utter. Even the crop felt wrong in my hands. I couldn’t keep the feeling of being a phony out of my head.  I think I was more embarrassed than he was. 

     It wasn't the best way to introduce kink into my life, but it did make me start researching into this D/s lifestyle. I have the utmost respect for Dominants and the work they put into scenes and the way they handle the care and nurturing of submissives. The more I read, the more I want. I want to be the one to get the spankings and the tasks. I want to feel submissive to someone and to feel deliciously used.

     And I can't put on red panties without giggling about my time as a Domme.