I will give a mild content warning for the description of being violated & having my boundaries crossed. I am clarifying now; I was not a victim of SA or SV.
I’ve spent the last two years learning what it means to be a dominant; never overstepping established boundaries, having open dialogue about my sub & I’s combination of sexual interests, being more confident in taking charge, understanding that my sub needs me emotionally, what aftercare can look like, dom/sub drops, safe zones & so much more.
But it didn’t come from a pleasant and steady realization after spending plenty of time experimenting with responsible and caring doms. It was the result of dealing with someone who did (almost) the opposite of everything I listed.
Before forcing myself to face the reality that I was dominant rather than submissive, I had an encounter with a man that completely disregarded my boundary in terms of how things were paced due to the existence of a contract. I unfortunately let him manipulate me into believing the contract was what started the scene. Which I should’ve known was a red flag given that the contract had several sections allotted to him being allow to “override red safewords if he feels like it.”
I however told him explicitly that I didn’t want to do anything sexual until we had spent some time cuddling due to my sexual inexperience & general preferences. I need time before the vibe feels right.
I was essentially thrown into the storm without any preparation or time to be comfortable. I get into bed & move myself closer to him to hug him so I can properly rest in his arms. He claimed I “put my neck near his mouth” & that’s why he bit me immediately but I froze up. Didn’t safeword out of fear that I would’ve been seen as whiny from the jump. It was overall a pleasant experience with an introduction to impact but I was not at all happy with the way he threw away my non negotiable pre play cuddling time.
I learned what BDSM wasn’t supposed to be - taking advantage of a sub’s trust & not expressing care for their experience.
I can talk for ages about how I want to meet a sub that’s my type but it’s never a matter of want, it’s a matter of what I can bring to the table. I feel as if a grasp on that starts me somewhere.