Calugula in exile

So i get a call this morning from the insurance agency that's been denying me a med necessary for me to get a lung transplant for 2 yrs. They set up a meeting w my pulmonologist and tell me to bring my family support and a power of attorney bc they now want to give me the meds and set up the transplant. I've used lung disease as an excuse to stick a needle in my arm and then quit once they dangled a transplant in front of me like an award for sobriety. The problem comes now after 2 yrs of basically preparing to die i cut off all family and friends like an old dog that went to the woods to die. They let me go, and had to. I tried to kill myself through banging dope again and again knowing what lay ahead if i didn't. Now it's actually happening. Ive stayed sober and even work at a detox to remember how bad it gets.  I lived a full life until i got sick but destroyed my soul along the way. 2 years of doing right and preparing to die w shrinks and drug counselors who both prepared for the worst.  Now the guilt of why me?  Why do i get to live and some other poor bastard die. I used that as some bullshit noble gesture to myself to aid the idea of my death. Still i fought for this. I cried myself to sleep like a bitch over it. My whole life ground to a halt physically when i got sick.  Sex sports even the simplest tasks like walking have become difficult. My pussy isn't sore. I took it all like a champ and never stopped.  I still go to work every fucking day bc i know if i don't I'll bang a hot shot and end it now. This has been the most fucked up story I've ever seen play out and i had to live it out of my car for 2yrs a rehab for 2yrs homeless shelter for 1yr and the last 2 in a court ordered rehab which has become the only home i have. I'm off papers and free to do as i please so here comes the only question that counts. How in the fuck do i go back to a mentality of security?  Ive had a black cloud chasing me for 7 fucking yrs. Odysseus was a pussy. But again how does one give in to the idea that all is fine. I've embraced the shit world we live in out of the pure spite that it'd all be over soon. It will be one way or another but i don't know that i want it. I walked from everything i had and embraced indifferent solitude. I'm like the sad fuck who married his high school sweetheart who got fat and unfun 5 yrs later. I'm stuck w a reality I'm not sure i can or would ever want to change. People who know me treat me like I'm dying,cause i am, but now what. I've leaned on this broken crutch for too long. It's who i am now. Don't get me wrong i still have bullshit dreams but the reality is if i get this i still have a shit life, a crappy job i settled on, and a mind u can't just reprogram. In short sometimes it's better to just let dying dogs die. I try to be happy but i can't. What the fuck do u do when u let go of everything just to die right and they come in and say no 20 more yrs of this? My mind is fucked worse than sasha greys pussy. What's gonna happen? Who knows, we'll see.

I take back what i said last night bc there r some great ppl here. As far as those who feel the need to control other's seek help. Bdsm is what it is but psychologically if ur dominance reaches the point where u tell someone who to talk to and when to do things ur just a controlling insecure cunt. U can insult me all u like but i tend to respect women. What happens behind closed doors is what it is but if u think for even a pussy hair of a second that ur insecure bravado translates to me being intimidated nice try. Come w ur best bc at the end of the day u couldn't get laid if it werent for this lifestyle. Help is out there, seek it. And as big as my cock is I'd still prefer if u got off of it. 

Fuck it i tried. Guess i dont fit in here bc women r more than objects to me. That's fine. Good luck w the down syndome sharks here

A wise person once told me writing on places like this was cheaper than therapy and u get the same results, which is true so back down the rabbit hole I go. I'm not sure what I come here for. I've met some great people but my motives were fucked up from the start. I didn't and still don't know which is more of a turn on dominance or submission but i just stopped trying to figure it out. The real question i face is what i want out of this. My whole reasoning for coming here was the idea that there was no emotional attachment involved. W the passing of time though the reality sets in that i will never be one of those people. I need a connection for there to even be interest. The robot concept just seems to me to easy of a copout when it comes to any relationship. More power to ya if u can pull it off but i feel disingenuous when i try it. When i found out i was sick i made the conscious decision that i would never let anyone close to me for the simple fact that it was a burden. People change when they hear that.  Every woman goes from a woman to a want a be nurse and then everything changes. My life isn't that different i just need to pace myself. I don't breath as well but I'm still capable of most things. Regardless it brings me back to wanting to stay away from emotions. Shrinks have argued and agreed but there's no set standard for how to handle such a situation. If i don't get a transplant i die young, basically out of my hands at this point but so is life in general. BDSM is more of a turn on for me bc of the erotic nature that comes w the unknown. So many focus on the pain but those r the ones who can saya safeword and make it stop. I get to live through it all day. Physical pain may be intriguing but once u couple up w it constantly it's not as fun. I never got the desire for it but to each it's own. I'm in such a mind fuck at this point that I'm not sure I'll ever understand exactly what i want.  Still the search keeps on and as it gets longer so do certain facts about myself that aren't able to be simply fucked away or ran from. This portion of my life has been one of patience and acceptance but through that a lot of my animal instincts have been building up or maybe just frustration. Never the less I know that there is someone who will match up at some point so i keep looking. Hope is a funny cunt. Enough ranting for one night and if ur looking for a point to this there is none. Then again the point to anything could be argued on a basic level. So keep creating pain for urselves but remember u get to stop it at anytime. Bunch of pussies if u ask me. 

Truth is i can look high or low and never find whar it is I'm after. I haveperfected method in which i can say i don't beling. A simple defense mechanise but safe. I don't need new languages or inside jokes i just need people i can trust and share a common interest w. Probably in the wrong place for that