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A Great Many Things

This is basically about things whatever comes to my mind. Thoughts, feelings, life, lessons learned, and so on. Also i name them weird because i can. The title doesn't normally relate to the content. Thats boring.
59 minutes ago. Mon 18 Feb 2019 01:24:50 AM IST

So i recently fucked up with my Master. I don't know if he'll forgive me any time soon, but honestly i don't want him to right away either. I don't want to rush through any of the process because forgiveness and apologies need to mean something. I wholeheartedly regret what happened and how i went about it. I don't feel i deserve forgiveness right away if he will forgive. I hope he will, but breaking trust can cause scars. No matter how we feel, a mistake will always be remembered. Forgive but never forget is a powerful phrase that i think everyone should remember. I have apologized to him, but as he's said saying sorry only makes me feel better when in truth it doesn't. I am 100% sorry for what i did and will not do it again. I have been mentally punishing myself for it and my stupidity. I hope that I can earn back his trust in time, grow and move past this. I will never let myself forget it because of how i hurt him.

With that said I want to apologize on here. I apologize, Master for hurting you. Please forgive me for my stupidity and mistakes. I love you and I never want to cause doubt in our relationship again.


We fit, we fit in our own unique way. Is it prefect? No. Nothing ever is. Will there be bumps? Of course. There's always going to be when two people are working to build something together. Whatever that something may be.

6 days ago. Mon 11 Feb 2019 05:44:42 AM IST

The other morning I woke up to a message from my Master telling me that he was sick and everything he described told me he had the flu. I made suggestions on everything that would help like soup, fluids, and cough medicine. Since he doesn't get sick often he didn't have really any of it. Between not being able to sleep and being worried about him not feeling good i decided that I'd get everything and come to him. He originally insisted that I not come because he didn't want me to get sick and I had to work that day. (He's an hour drive from me) but I i kinda won that. I ran the errands that i had to and went over.

He looked almost like death curled up in bed. It was upsetting to see him so miserable. So I quickly gave him the Gatorade and cold medicine. We laid there for a bit. He was restless and told me how every hurt so I started to massage his muscles to help ease the ache. I may not have been able to do too much, but it did seem to help. If I wouldn't have worked today I probably would have gone back after work so that he wasn't alone. I don't like him suffering and if I can't help with the pain and discomfort I'd prefer to at least be with him. It sucks not being able to be there when i should be.

1 week ago. Fri 08 Feb 2019 09:06:29 PM IST

I have realized there is something wonderful and amazing when i know I'm able to help my Master. Recently he was having a bad couple of days but I managed to convince him to come over since it's never good to be alone when depressed. I should know. When he got to my house and we were just able to cuddle close to each other. I think we both felt better after that. Sometimes that's all you need.

2 weeks ago. Wed 30 Jan 2019 03:22:04 AM IST

I don't know. Seriously. I am at a loss for what my deal is. I'm angry, but I'm not all to sure why. I'm sad and i know why. I'm lonely which seems to be the big one and I'm frustrated. Maybe that's the main one. I'm fucking frustrated which is causing some of these emotions. Lonely is all the base, so frustrated is the second one. What's frustrating is the fact that to quell my obnoxious loneliness is attention from the right people and there lies in the frustration. I'm so over trying to make conversation when there's not much response and i don't even know why I'm blogging about this. Probably because I'm feeling angry about it and wanted someone to know. But with me? Who freaking knows. I want to cry but can't. I want to reach out, but won't. I need to scream, but have nowhere to do it. So here I am ranting to all you fine people. Debated going into what defines loneliness but thats not really what this is about. So i don't know. I give up. Bottling it isn't healthy and is 100% exhausting, but at the moment letting it out is pointless. But it's all good.

Also gotta share this song because well its fun. 

 

3 weeks ago. Tue 22 Jan 2019 03:53:00 AM IST

The more time I spend with my Master the more I want to submit to him. It's scary how easy I could lose myself to him. I won't though. It's not something either one of us want to have happen. It could be so easy though. It feels so natural to do so.

So…. This weekend was unsettling. I went into some detail with 2 coworkers about my experiences with my Master. Honestly this wasn't unsettling so I started that wrong, but anyways, there were a lot of laughs involved since we were all being so light hearted about it. The night went well and was very fun. It was the following day that kind of threw me off. I had a resident ask permission to grope me. I of course said no and reported it and can no longer go in his room. It was unsettling though. I enjoyed talking to him before this. My whole rest of my night was off. I felt uncomfortable since he decided to linger in the hall to run into me. He normally would hide in his room.

I find it odd that him asking permission made me more uncomfortable then when residents try the more aggressive route and start grabbing at me. But then again I scold them and tell them to cut their shit out.

It still bothers me too. I don't know why.

1 month ago. Wed 16 Jan 2019 07:49:24 AM IST

1 month ago. Sat 29 Dec 2018 03:06:40 AM IST

I know that I'm constantly talking about how lucky I am for my Master, but it's hard not to. Yesterday my children and I got to spend the day with him before he left. He took us to chucky cheese where we played games and had some quality time together. It was the first day we were together and it didn't involve anything sexual. Safe to say we get along outside the bedroom too.

We went out to eat afterward where my youngest wasn't being the easiest, but my Master helped me. I am so very grateful to have a Master that is willing to help with my kids.

When we had to end our day together it was bittersweet. I'm still happy we spent that time together, all 4 of us, and I'm looking forward to hearing about the fun he's having while he's gone. I'm that it will probably be two weeks before I get to see him again. Between him being gone until the 4th and me working that weekend, it's simply be a while. I hope one of these times I'll get to go with on an adventure with him and yes i call his trips adventures because I can.

Anyways I felt the need to ramble and give an example of how truly blessed I am to have found my Master. The Goddess is smiling on me giving me each day I have with him. I will always strive to serve him and be a positive in his life.

 

(Side note, I had no clue that bittersweet is a plant. Seriously and it's another name for woody nightshade which seems to be different from other nightshades. Anyway, that was a fun random fact. Moving on.)

1 month ago. Tue 25 Dec 2018 10:26:11 AM IST

Go head and think that this is gonna be a holiday theme but I can assure it is not. Well, okay maybe a little. I dislike this holiday. It's never really been something I look forward to. When I was a kid i was shuffled around because my parents are divorced and I with a past event on this holiday, I dislike it even more. It's much hype for 2 days. It also became very lonely for me when my mom worked. Luckily i had friends whose families would invite me for the night, but I cried a lot on this holiday. This year is a little different though. I spent last night with my Master which was fun and calming and amazing and I can not say how happy I am to have found him.

 

It's funny how he fits a lot of what I found attractive when I first started getting interested in boys. Someone fun, adventurous, loving, musically inclined, dominant, funny. Someone who could see the world in a different way and not how society wants us and trains us to see it. It's safe to say that I love him. I trust him more than I've trusted anyone and let him in deeper than anyone before. I know it he's go deeper, it's only a matter of time. Is there a level of attachment? Yes, not gonna lie. How can someone not get some kind of attachment to the people they care about?


Anyways I was trying to lead up to connections. How sometimes you just click with someone.  My Master and I clicked rather quickly. I mean I was kind of reckless in our first meeting. I got lucky and I know it, but it's not just with him. It's also connections with others. I've made a couple of friends on here that the conversations just lead to almost a click. Whether dom or sub personality. I think you know how you are and I just want to say how grateful I am to have found all of you and to have found this online community. You all have helped me realizing that there is so much more out there. And I should thank my previous master to a point because he brought me into this world. He may not have been good for me, but he was a stepping stone to all of you.

2 months ago. Mon 17 Dec 2018 08:15:49 AM IST

So anybody who has read my profile and my blogs know that I'm a cna. It's not an easy job, but there are some fun things. Plus with dementia you gotta go with the flow. An old farmer might think they gotta milk the cows at 4 am. Don't worry john doe, i did it already. Or I've got to get breakfast made for my kids. Its okay sweety, they are fed and off to school. But I was thinking about it, what about us? You know the BDSM community. Could you imagine what it would be like for a Dom to be told what to do by a CNA? Or a sub’s reaction? I don't even know where to start with that. What do you say to someone who says ‘you're not my Sir and he's the only one who can tell me what to do’ i don't know. Me randomly thinking about odd things I guess.

2 months ago. Tue 11 Dec 2018 04:29:16 AM IST

I'm unsure what to really say. I'm at a loss in so many ways right now and I don't even know why. Is there really even an event to update about my life? Meh, maybe. Lost another resident but it wasn't as hard since she wanted to go. That always makes a difference. My kids genuinely seemed to miss me so that got me cuddles. Which I really needed. A few days ago I was missing my Master in a rather intense way. I always miss him to a degree like he's in the back of my mind kind of way but Saturday was different. It's passed now and is back to the norm.

I'm feeling just lost right now. I don't know what to do. I have tedious things to do that will busy me physically, but mentally not so much. I find this uncomfortable.