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1 week ago. Nov 20, 2020, 10:44 AM

It's been a while since I've written a blog and I mean the "relax and write be heartfelt" or reflective kind of blog. As I lay here on the couch at my client's house (i now do home care), I can't sleep even though I'm tired as fuck, and I have limited signal. I decided to clean out saved pictures from pinterest. As I was reading through some of them, I stumbled across the ones I saved about narcissists. Did this bring back bad memories? Short answer: yes. 

BUT! 

I started to reflect. 

I spent 2 years with something that was never real, that broke me down, was an added trigger to a suicide attempt(no, I'm not putting all the blame on it, but it sure as hell didn't help), and honestly still fucks with me from time to time. I had a point to all this… shit…

Hmm… oh yeah! 

I survived! I fucking survived something that almost destroyed me. How did I do that? No clue. Honest. I spent time feeling worthless and pointless and being somewhat reckless. I told myself that love wasn't worth this bullshit and was just going to have fun. I was done with fear, you all know what I'm talking about. That fear of putting yourself out there again, of opening up, the pain, heartbreak, all of it. I figured if I could survive a narcissist and still stand tall and say "fuck you" that I could and can survive anything. 

I know not everyone can do the same. I know that not everyone can bounce back as quickly as I have and I know that it's not easy. I still struggle, just ask my Master. 

BUT! I'm telling you right now that you have strength in you. Maybe it will take longer, maybe you need help like I did from friends and strangers that become friends but don't ever doubt your power. It's in you. It's finding it that is the challenge. Reach out! Sometimes all it takes is asking someone "how's the skirt chasing going?" To open up the door to someone/something beautiful. Btw that someone/ something beautiful will be 3 months on the 24th. 

I love you, Master Phanes. Thank you for putting up with me. 💜💜💜

 

1 month ago. Nov 1, 2020, 4:13 AM

Happy Halloween my dear freaks and freaketts! My pet zombie and I are having a fabulous time! Took a bit to make my costume  and do my Phanes bloody look. 🤪

1 month ago. Oct 5, 2020, 7:13 AM

The other weekend was wonderful. I got to go with Master to meet some of his friends. Time with them was great, but 8 hours in a vehicle one way was rough. Plus! Master wore the wrong shorts. Do you know how difficult it is to molest someone wearing tight shorts? 🤣 didn't detur me from trying anyways. The poor man had 8 hours there and 8 hours back of me fighting with his damn shorts. 

Meeting his friends was great. I got along with all of them, at least the ones I had the chance to meet so far. We went out to eat and then a haunted house. It was wonderful! I like not being a secret and actually being with someone and a part of their life. 

I got to be the first woman that Master had over for the weekend, meaning the whole weekend, nights included. I definitely am not use to carpet. I hate carpet, but I can agree to a rug in my living room since I want my house to feel like home for him. He's at my house more than his place now and I want him to feel at home with me and my mini mes. We've been working on creative ways to give his kitties places to climb and he's thinking of painting in the next few weeks. 

I see us together for a long time. I will continue to work at being what he truly deserves and needs in his sub, slave, lover, healer, and woman. I will never stop working at being better for myself, my children and my Master. I never want to be a disappointment or unworthy of his time.

I don't relish the idea of job hunting but… the bitch of a DON finally got rid of me. Oh well. 

Things my wonderful Master Phanes is learning about me:

2 months ago. Sep 16, 2020, 6:25 AM

Sunday was my birthday and it was wonderful. My mom watched my boys and got to spend quality time with Master before going out to eat and running to the store. The past two weeks have been amazing although I do believe he'd like to avoid the store with me on occasion since I wander around, finding more than what's on the list, and prone to getting lost. 🤣 neither of us were ready for him to head back to his place for the week and I know damn well we both will be struggling until he comes back home again. Well if he can make it back in a week, that is. With the growing cases of covid in my state, my governor possibly shutting my state down, this could prove to be a problem and cause challenges with meeting his friends in his state. I am doing my best to remain optimistic, though. I can't stand the idea of us being a part for an undetermined amount of time. We couldn't even make it a full week the last time. He wasn't even out of town before we were missing each other. 

2 months ago. Sep 8, 2020, 3:39 AM

The more I open up to Master about everything that happened in my previous "relationship", the more I begin to realize how dangerous my last "dom" was. It wasn't just mental and emotional that I went through. The sessions my previous "dom" and I had were mostly him working through his anger at his life, himself and everyone in it. Talking about some of the things I went through made it clear how dangerous of a situation I was in regularly for almost 2 years. Realizing that my ex never loved me made it all more real of how many times I could have died. I think he wanted to love me but couldn't because a narcissist can't love someone which added to his anger. Honestly, I don't remember a lot because I would hide within myself when the pain was too much. Master asked why I kept going back. Honestly? I loved my ex. I thought if I showed him that and how I was still there for him, things would get better. I thought I was helping him. I thought that things would get better and he'd see and then love me we came together. I don't know how many times I'd read over his profile and talked myself out of starting a conversation with him again. I kept thinking I'd only be wasting his time even in being friends until the beginning of August when I said fuck it and decided to reach out anyways. After that we talked every day. 

My Master and I are both survivors, lovers, protectors, and would do anything for the ones we love. It took us a while to find someone equal in all of that. Now that we have, we are never going to give that up. 

I think I was created for him and nothing will ever change my mind on that. 

Three positive things:

*different world view

*go against the flow

*loyal

3 months ago. Sep 2, 2020, 10:12 AM

So as my title state's, this will be a bit of a gushy, mushy, and rant kind of blog. So…. Rant first. WTF IS WRONG WITH HEALTHCARE?! I am working at a building right now that should have 11 cnas but nope! We have 7! I am burning out and don't know what the fuck to do. I care about these people, but I am only one person! 

Then there's the whole school bs with drop off and pick up but I don't even know what to say about that. 

I have an amazing and wonderful Master. I'd forgotten what it was like to feel safe and secure with someone. I don't feel anxiety being with my Master. I'm not scared to joke and be me. He loves me for me, for all of me, not just what I'm willing to do for him inside our dynamic. 

We are learning more about each other everyday. Everything is going smoother and I feel less stressed. He helps with my kids and surprisingly hasn't been chased away yet. 🤣 he loves me caring for him but I do expect at some point for him to get annoyed and say "stop fussing over me, woman!" I can't help it though. I love him and want him around for a very long time. I do believe 100% that I have been 30 years in the making just for him. To be his and belong to him. Everything we've gone through in life to learn the right lessons, to bond over similar pain, betrayals, and love. To have us both be ready to move on at the same time in life and find each other. 

3 positives about me:

*hard working

*loving 

*creative 

 

3 months ago. Aug 27, 2020, 8:01 PM

This past weekend I took a much needed mental health weekend. What is a mental health weekend? A break from wearing a mask, most responsibilities, and relaxation. Why? Because I needed it. It's been a rather stressful summer. (and I know I'm not alone in that. I know people on here and off, that need something like that.) I've been craving being down on my knees for someone I could trust and feel safe with. It's something I've been needing for a while now. 

Over the past month or so my dear friend, Phanes and I reconnected and got pretty close. We'd been talking every day, light flirting, and general enjoyment of having each other to talk to. It became clear we both needed something that the other could provide. So…. We discussed it and decided even though we didn't see us forming a romantic relationship, we recognized that we are two "mature" adults (me mature, hahaha🤣) and good friends that trusted each other enough to have a weekend with play sessions and spending time together as friends. If it went well, then maybe more in the future to ease our needs while looking for our special someone. 

A window of opportunity for me to make this happen (i have kids and don't want to rush anything and risk them getting hurt) much sooner than we had been planning. After having a play session on video chat, I was more than happy to speed up my weekend with Phanes. Definitely could feel my need to submit and his craving to get his hands on me. Plus he made it clear by telling me a hand full of times. 🤪 

The extent of our plans were play time, walks, me cleaning, (fuck my disastrous house, man) and quality time as friends. Ground rules: 

*I was to submit to the best of my abilities for the weekend 

*Phanes was to be my dom for the weekend

*we'd still be free to talk and look for the right person for ourselves 

*after the weekend we'd be back to friends and possibly discuss more sessions if the weekend went well

Sounds simple enough, right? We adults with clear understanding, 100% honesty, trust, and respect for eachother should be able to handle that just fine. We got this! What could possibly go wrong with a fool proof plan like that? Heh…. How wrong we were. Let me explain how i saw the weekend going. 

*Phanes coming here

*some awkward chat and nervousness 

*easing through out Friday night to get a feel for each other while working through our anxieties of what we could and couldn't do with eachother 

*Saturday start dipping into actual play 

*good conversation and gaining better comfort to open up better and get what we needed to fulfill our needs

*Sunday being about the same while still clinging to our guards and walls

*Monday morning a good hug, maybe agreeing to meet again when we had the chance and parting ways and back to being friends. That is so not how it went at all. 110% wrong and I'm not wrong often and especially not wrong on an epic level like that. Let me explain. Also from this point on I will be calling him Master Phanes or Master. It's been killing me not to do that from the start of this blog, taking a lot to not fix that and call it a brain fart. 

All I felt Friday when Master was on his way was excitement and the little bit of anxiety I had was to do with watering my plants. (Don't laugh, dried up plants is a real problem!) I felt relief flood me when he got out of his truck and had to give him a hug and kiss right away. I'm going let you in on a little secret that he doesn't even know until he reads this, I already had the urge to drop to my knees right there and beg him to accept my full submission. Since I have neighbors that already think I'm fucking crazy and it seemed a little much to do in the first 5 minutes of meeting eachother, I went with us needing some cuddles and a nap. The cuddles happened, the nap did not. 🤣 All it took for me to get hot and bothered was us going to my room and feeling him against me. Do you have any idea how hard it is to fight your own hips when they take on a mind of their own? Or sleep when they are constantly bucking, rotating and grinding? I seriously was shaking a few times throughout the weekend to try and calm my ass down. Then gave up. No sense in fighting what my Master owns.

Either way, there was no hesitation. I felt his dominant energy through that first touch and knew I was done for. Originally I wanted to hold myself back at least enough to keep from the kind of attachment that could cause problems. After all, this was only suppose to be a weekend of fun, play and time spent as friends. 

We were up late exploring each other after he got the chance to watch me excercise and stretch. I was (still am) relishing that I didn't hold back or resist what or how I wanted to touch. I wasn't concerned about getting in trouble for not asking permission. I could feel his need for me to give him attention whether it was sexual or loving, it constantly shifted but I kept up with it. I knew for sure that I was going to be working on his physical pain. I promised I would when he told me about his shoulder. I was more than happy to have him pick an essential oil and mix a body oil for him only to use on those knots. I seemed to surprise him how well I could find his aches and quickly work them away. I think that helped him actually sleep well. 

Saturday we ate breakfast and spent quite a bit of time outside. It was wonderful out. We talked and just enjoyed eachothers intellectual company before showers, supper, more stretching for me, and heading to the bedroom. Throughout it, I kept my inner monolog of "enjoy the weekend then let it go" but that faded pretty damn fast when I brought up a potential photography/play session. The reaction I received (he tried to hide it. Adorable, just saying) proved that was not okay with him by any means. I made a mental note to do away with that idea. I was not going to allow myself to cause this amazing man any problems/pain/drama/damage. It's something I could tell he'd been through enough. I didn't want to become another regret or wasted investment. That was a sure sign I was already in love with him. 

That night we had our first session. He laced me up in a corset, put on my cuffs and I was completely his. It took very little time for me to start to read him and his desires. Most of it didn't require thinking. I reacted and needed only a few commands/reminders. Not to mention I was/am very addicted to his cock. Anytime he pulled it away I chased it or whimpered. That was a new thing for me. He finally had to stop me. My jaw was aching and I still wouldn't stop. So… for my own good he told me no more. Btw I wasn't happy about that.

I wasn't afraid of the pain either. I was more than happy to feel his joy in letting out his sadist side. He didn't push me to a breaking point and made sure I felt pleasure in the process. Honestly the masochist in me was gradually starting to surface again plus the slave in me has come out completely. I was feeling off the happiness I was creating in him. Every time he'd look at me with that glimmer of excitement and gratitude, I warmed with happiness. 

Sunday morning was not a happy morning for me. 

One- me and mornings do NOT get along

Two- I didn't like the idea of spending hours of our time together driving to run errands.

Three- I felt bad that this amazing man that I was falling in love with and just met was going to wind up meeting family right away.

Putting that aside and getting it done, I still ended up cutting into our time because I didn't intend to talk to my aunt for 2 hours. I still feel guilty about that. We ended up losing more time than either of us wanted. We agreed 2 hours of sleep isn't enough and thought we'd nap before meeting my dad (yep that's right, day 3 of being together and he ended up meeting my dad) "My" hips and pussy had different plans which involved claiming my spot on him and us chatting. In fact most of our conversations were me straddling him so he could feel how things he said affected me. 

We went and switched vehicles with my dad, who wanted to know if Master Phanes was my new boyfriend or not. I told him just a friend. No not hiding him, at that point things were still in process. We got back to my house and I kept us from being in the bedroom because i knew we'd forget to order food and not walk the dogs. By the time that was done and we ate, an unexpected video call popped up. Now I'm going to make it very clear, I was not jealous. I understood that he couldn't just ignore someone he cared about when they were in need. What I did have a problem with was watching all his happiness drain away and become agitated and frustrated at the individual to who he was talking to.  That killed me. My Master should never feel like that with me. 

When we finally got back in the house, I knew he needed to vent and let out all that pent anger, pain, sadness. It took a bit but once I figured out the right words and loving touches, he opened up to me. He opened up completely. I was able to get past his mask and armor. Something he'd never done with a sub before. This cemented our bond. We knew we'd found everything we'd been looking for, craving, wanting, needing. Those recent relationships that broke us down leaving bitterness, anger and regret became something we could be grateful for. Without those, we wouldn't have been prepared to be together and be together the way we are meant to be. 

Monday morning was hell. We had to part ways because I wasn't ready to bring my kids into the mix yet. When I say hell, I mean gut wrenching, soul sucking misery. I kept from sobbing but still cried. I didn't want to make leaving harder for Master. I couldn't do that to him. That goes against every fiber in my body. I want his light to come back, not dim more. 

Since he left that morning, my body, mind, and soul has been screaming for him to come home. I feel empty with him gone. He belongs with me because I am his home and I am his on every level. I am whatever my Master needs and wants me to be: submissive, slave, slut, toy, lover, protector (yes a sub is fully capable of protecting her dom, mostly from him self), healer, his muse, home, and most importantly…. His missing piece that allows him to feel complete. 

I love Master Phanes and belong to him in every way. He's managed to become one of the most important parts in my life. My life that is now his and I will spend as much of it as I can bringing him happiness, serving him, pleasing him and being whatever it is that he needs me to. 

Sorry for the long post, but come on! Alot of unexpected amazingness happened in such a short period of time. 


3 months ago. Aug 11, 2020, 12:32 AM

a bit of a regression on my part. Still trying to work through it. 

 

I'll get there. 

3 months ago. Aug 7, 2020, 3:31 AM

This one is for fun because why not? Hehe

 

This one... well seems to fit. When at the end of it all... i think it's my favorite by them. 

And this one... yep everytime it looks like what he drives, my anxiety goes through my roof.