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A Great Many Things

This is basically about things whatever comes to my mind. Thoughts, feelings, life, lessons learned, and so on. Also i name them weird because i can. The title doesn't normally relate to the content. Thats boring.

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1 day ago. Tue 23 Apr 2019 06:28:12 AM IDT

1 week ago. Sun 14 Apr 2019 04:32:40 AM IDT

So new hair color kinda but the bottom didn't turn  out quite how we wanted it to. I think I might go for the warmer colors next time depending how these rinse out. 

1 week ago. Sat 13 Apr 2019 08:20:21 AM IDT

So I was scrolling through facebook, as many of us like to do and stumbled onto an article that was titled "11 things that are making people less attractive". I figured why not take a look? As I'm reading it, some of it i agreed with aome of not so much. Yes, basic grammar when chatting online is a thing. Yes, I agree about the facial hair. I didn't agree with the smile part because honestly a man with a great smile that touches his eyes and lights them up, is very attractive to me. It shows something. Depth maybe? Kindness? I don't  know,  but I love it. 

Anyway, I was getting a kick out of this article until I got to the part about someone who has a passion is viewed as more attractive which hey I get, but it got me thinking. What am I passionate about? I struggle to even give favorites. I mean I have a favorite color, but not food. Yeah I have books that I wouldn't mind rereading or movies I can watch over and over again. Not favorites.

I use to be passionate about things. I use to write all the time. Poems to start, a few short stories, and I started working on 2 different ideas for books. I researched a bit on the topics. I use to dance almost every day and stretch before, sometimes even after. I use to read constantly too. Just over a year ago, I was working on being more creative and making things for my kids or myself. I saw a beautiful world of color that was always changing and morphing into what I wanted to see. Now? Nothing. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm alone. 

Where has my passion gone and how can I get it back? I don't understand what happened. I refuse to believe that coming into this lifestyle snuffed up the fire that use to burn in me, but maybe it was the first person who introduced me to it? 

 

Heres the article. Ya know, incase youre curious as to what brought this drama thought on. 

 "Here Are The 11 Things That Are Making People Less Attractive". View it here: https://www.healthyway.com/content/here-are-8-things-that-are-making-people-less-attractive-according-to-science/

 

Yep

2 weeks ago. Wed 10 Apr 2019 11:21:42 PM IDT

2 weeks ago. Wed 10 Apr 2019 07:34:36 AM IDT

The Goblin King. 

First crush, ladies and gentlemen. I will 100% admit that I use to dream of this man taking me away. Okay, okay not use to. He's still totally a bit of a fantasy. Weird right?

2 weeks ago. Wed 10 Apr 2019 04:55:01 AM IDT

As I said in the blog before that there would be gushiness, well here it is. 

 

I had a wonderful weekend with Master. I got to be a part of some of the things that he loves and it was great. I love how he looks when he talks about the things that make him happy. I got to give some helpful tips with his new dog that I think helped a little. It was great seeing the trails he likes to take although I'm confident I can't ride a bike on them like he can. I hope one of these nights we can walk the trail at night. Maybe play out some of the things he and I have talked about. 

Being tied up and at his mercy was exquisite. I felt at home feeling him around me, knowing he could do whatever he wanted to me. Not that I've really said no to something he wants. I do get pleasure in pleasing him. I'm slowly going to get back into the things im suppose to be doing. I don't want to be a disappointment. I learned many things this weekend and I believe it'll help me to be better at serving my Master. =)

2 weeks ago. Fri 05 Apr 2019 08:29:24 AM IDT

Alright, this is gonna be a gushy, probably short blog that might be followed by another gushy blog in a few days. I'm super excited for the weekend. I don't have my kids starting about about 3.30 pm on Friday and have off the whole weekend. A weekend that is going to be spent with my Master away from my house. My house of stress and tension. I can't wait to see him and get wrapped up in his arms. My mood is lifting already. 

2 weeks ago. Thu 04 Apr 2019 06:55:31 AM IDT

I'm kind of getting to a point now, where holding on a little longer just strips me more of my hope. Hope that fighting for something I want is worth pain. I'm so tired. I keep reaching for things that would help me better my life and my kids life just to be reminded that I'm stuck. It seems dumb but this is honestly about a job. I thought for once I'd act on something and get my hopes up and they are crushed. I have another call to make tomorrow but i highly doubt its going to have the answers i want to get. I am feeling so trapped. I thought i was doing better at filting and finding the good. Right now theres no oxygen in the water and i can't even come up for any. I know that I'll be fine but right now? Not so much. So I'm going to listen to music, finish my lovely pity party and sleep. Something good needs to happen soon. I can't keep up my fake smile forever. 

 

 

 

3 weeks ago. Wed 03 Apr 2019 10:53:57 PM IDT

3 weeks ago. Mon 01 Apr 2019 10:24:41 AM IDT

I have thought a lot about it and i thrive on chaos when it comes to work. Maybe because i am very much a take charge kind of person there. I have a time limit on getting these people washed up and into bed and no matter what happens, I'll succeed because damn it the others I'm working with will do their jobs. (Tonight i was with good staff) i goal is to help these people. Whether it's seen that way or not, I am. Yes, i work in a nursing home and their lives will end there. You know what? Me coming into that room with my bright colored hair, welcoming smile and the ability to make them feel like they are all that matters while I care for them? That's helping. Them knowing that I care that they are clean and dry and that I will listen to them while I care for them is helping. 

Why am I like this? I don't really know. Probably because Ive never felt like a priority since a child and don't want others to feel that way if I can help it. I don't fake caring. Granted I'm only 28, but I've loved, lost, been hurt and dished out pain. When I was 17 I attempted suicide.

The summer leading to my sophomore year was rough. Well rough for a teen. My circle of friends that I'd known since elementary school abandoned me. I so I spent that summer making online friends and walking my cousins dog. I felt alone but the connections I had online helped. 

When school started, i made a few friends, but still was closer to my online ones. Over the winter break, my online friend who I was attached to ended our friendship which seems trivial to an adult, but he was my lifeline for months. This pushed me over. I swollowed a bottle of aspirin which btw is nasty to puke back up. Well my new friends started to distance themselves. I think this was a major turning point. I stopped trying to breathe in air only to take in water. I decided that I'd simply learn to live in the water or pain, but I'd do my try my hardest to make sure that I'd help others to keep them from feeling that pain. 

I struggle to ask for help because I'm scared to be a burden or push them away because of the "drama" of pained emotions and yes I know I have people on here that are willing to be there for me. Thats not the point of this blog. Thank you though. I do appreciate each of you. 

The point of this is, I am who I am because I don't want others to feel that they are alone. You're not. There are people who care and want to help. I don't want to bring people up for air though. I want them to learn to handle the pain so that isn't all they feel.

You can't drown a mermaid. Filter through that water and find your oxygen. Just remember what you find joy in others might not, but does it matter in the end?