1 week ago. Sun 12 May 2019 12:55:42 PM IDT
***DISCLAIMER: This blog might trigger someone if they've had an abusive past. Please don't read on if this is too close to home***
Ok...so for some reason, this month has been one of the hardest yet.
I keep getting beat up by life. But memories are mingled in there as well.
I go through my days like a zombie, on auto pilot it seems. I wake up in the morning and I'm so in my head, that half the day is gone and its like I can't remember how it passed by and ive seemed to miss it.
Then im guilt ridden because I'm a mom. I shouldn't be missing precious moments with my favorite little human. But I guess our minds do crazy things when they try to protect themselves. I know what its like first hand....
So...I know that what im about to mention isn't a new concept in the bdsm community. Many people struggle with abusive pasts of some nature, whether physical, emotional, mental, or sexual.
So I haven't felt the need to post about it here. Not only because it just hasn't come up to do so, but because im all about overcoming my abusive past without airing it so publicly.
But for some reason, I'm getting road blocked by it and I refuse to allow it to bring me under. Within trying to overcome my emotional turmoil, here's my story...
So, almost 11 years ago to the date, I was 20, at my cousin's birthday party, and got raped by a guy I was dating. He was 28 at the time and was drinking pretty heavily. We had agreed to wait to have sex because we were still so new to our relationship and other circumstances that factored into our decision.
It was late, I went to bed. But woke in the night with him on top of me and holding me down. I remember feeling immediately afraid because I didn't know what was going on. But my brain also felt sluggish. I remember thinking that I must've not slept long because of how slow my brain was functioning. I still don't know if he put something in my drink that night.
Anyway, he sweetened up to calm me. Kissing me and touching me a bit. But there was an underlying fear no matter what he tried first. Gut feelings and intuition are amazing things. Too bad I didn't feel something sooner...smh.
So he basically removed the clothes necessary to have access to do the unthinkable. While im doing my best to shove him off me and saying no, he had his way. He used taunts and his physical strength to pin me down mentally and physically.
The deed wasn't even done yet and I felt overwhelming shame and self loathing. Im strong. Always have been. I wasn't the girl who got raped. Who got betrayed this way by a guy she adored and trusted.
With family members in the house, so close by, I couldn't scream or call for help. I was half naked, exposed and unable to fully grasp what was going on.
My mind went into survival mode and tried to protect itself from the emotional anguish that was sure to break me. I was in denial while everything was going on. I didn't realize it then, but in hindsight, he broke me that night. The unfathomable thing happened to me and I couldn't accept it.
When he finally let me up, I ran to the bathroom and dry heaved for what felt like hours. I washed myself up as best as I could and went back out to him.
He literally looked up at my approach and grabbed me like a lover in pain. He put his arms around me, with his head on my chest and begged my forgiveness. Literal tears coming out of his eyes. I was numb and said in words that it was ok but of course it was nothing but. I was screaming inside.
We didn't discuss it after that. It was the non existent jackhammer that crushed my heart. And my mind kept everything covered in blackness for a year until I could process the reality of who I'd become.
Within that year, he and I stayed together. On and off. An extremely emotionally and mentally abusive relationship ensued. I was the bitch. The cunt. The whore. I was nothing and everything to him. This precious punching bag he couldn't let go of and the powerful lioness he couldn't tame. He was chipping away at my spirit, piece by piece but there was still fire burning within me to fight back.
My family saw the change in me. Years later, I was told that I became very introverted and quiet. I wouldn't talk to my friends and family or even look them in the eye. My physical appearance changed as well because he hindered me from dressing in anything that would make me feel confident or beautiful. Make-up wasnt allowed and clearly a smile wasn't either.
So I walked around with the weight of the world on my shoulders. So much weight on them, that my parents later told me that my body looked hunched over a bit, that I literally had my head down all the time. 😔
It saddens me to think about it now. I was young and vibrant. But was forever changed by that whole experience. I know it stemmed from the rape. His later abuse and insane control over me were possible because of my brokenness from that night.
And I know judgements will be made after reading this. Like why didn't I leave or fight back or do more or something different than what i did? Ive lived with them for years. And from my own family when it came out. They were angry and blamed me. Then blamed themselves for not protecting me. Which then caused me to comfort them and not the other way around. A vicious cycle in itself. I get harmed and I do the comforting. How twisted is that right?
So believe me, nothing anybody could tell me would be something new to what I've been told already.
Im purging all of this here, on the cage, at this time because im struggling. The 11 year anniversary of my rape approaches and its taunting me this year. It could be the progression ive made further into D/s that has triggered something. Maybe its issues with trust in relationships of all kinds. Hurts. Pains. Losses.
So I figured I'll purge it all... right here. Free myself of the initial thoughts so I could at least sleep.
This journey called life is an interesting one. We feel like we've dealt with and overcome something and it rears back up when we least expect it, so we could deal with it some more.
Im being molded and shaped every day. And I can walk away from my situation as a survivor and not a victim. This blog is about strength, not sorrow. So if you understand my pain, I'm sending hugs and love your way. May the Lord's strength and peace be with you as it is with me always. I couldn't get through any trial without my heavenly father.
So thank you all for every ounce of love and support you've shown me. For your friendship. It means more to me than you know. I adore you all my fellow kinksters. My beautiful cage family. God bless you and thank you for listening...goodnight.