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5 months ago. Jun 4, 2020, 12:28 PM

I cant thank you all enough for replying to my blog.  

For your candor to my questions. 

 

I am deeply greatful. 

5 months ago. Jun 4, 2020, 3:04 AM

Hello all,

I need some help. 

I need to speak to an s type of color, perferably with a white D or M type. 

I have questions about race and racism. 

 

Please contact me here. 

 

 

I really appreciate it! 

 

 

 

7 months ago. Apr 15, 2020, 3:59 PM

Have to cancel Through the Looking  Glass 2020. 

 

China is having a resurgence and I anticipate the same thing here. 

 

I am so pissed.

 

I work the covid unit - so I know what this is --

 

That doesnt stop me from being genuinely angry.  

 

8 months ago. Mar 17, 2020, 3:04 PM

This morning I wrote my official goodbye email to my poly partner of 10 years. We a. We haven't spoken since December.

 

We have started to begin discovery for the lawsuit. I can't stop crying. Digging up proof of  all of my broken dreams so they can be evaluated by a third-party as to whether or not they are  significant.

 

 

Fireball died because we didn't have the money to feed him and the hay that was donated to us was the wrong kind. He died because of me and I will never forgive myself. I just kept thinking hold on one more week buddy.

 

 

Angel has been rehomed. I started the process of turning her papers over to her new owners.

 

 

The other day beloved and I went through the board and got rid of all the toys that I can't use anymore. They are too heavy. They make my vertigo crazy. I've got toys on a wish list. But these were toys that I've had for 20 years. There is a braided cat that I put to the side. My beloved insisted that we keep it.

 

 

 

I had to  cancel Saturday's play party because of Corona.

 

 

Do you ever feel like the life that you were striving for is gone?

8 months ago. Mar 8, 2020, 5:34 AM

Hello all!

 

I so weekly  live feed classes sunday morning 1130am. It discusses BDSM topics. It goes for about 45 minutes. 

I need a co host. 

You dont have to be on camera. 

I usually point the camera to whatever is around me. 

 

If you are interested - hit me up! 

 

 

 

11 months ago. Dec 22, 2019, 11:59 PM

Our third has a primary. This person has a personality disorder and addiction issues. Our third doesnt see it. 

 

At its core their relationship is very abusive.  

Often that abuse spillls over into how they act with us. 

When our third spends a lot of time with their primary - their behavior markedly changes. 

They get manic, defensive, fearful. 

Thats what happened last Friday and spilled into Saturday. Their primary went nutz with the drug seeking which ended in a 5 hour drive as they went from dispensary to dispensary. The primary was unfit to drive. 

That being said- its their  choice to stay in the relationship.  

 

It boils down to how much more tolerance I have. 

For right now I am going to keep pulling away.  Keep moving forward. Less time. Less talking. More  working on the self. More filling the time and emotion with change. Get myself strong enough to be able to stay away when the inevitable break happens. 

 

Thank you everyone for listening. 

This has been a long journey. 

 

 

11 months ago. Dec 22, 2019, 3:50 AM

Our third and I are drifting apart. 

Some days I  am really okay with this. 

Today it hurts. Real deep.

  I actively started pulling away about 6 months ago. 

I stopped talking. I stopped offering.

I made myself start focusing on other things. 

They didn't notice. 

Then last Friday  I needed them. I really and legitimately needed them. 

Being unemployed we are bouncing off shit. The neighbors are feeding the horses. Everything is on the verge of being shut  off. 

What little I can scrap from under the table jobs has kept the wolves at bay to this point. But not by much. 

 

I needed to get papaerwork into the unemployment office by Friday end of day. We couldnt afford faxing. Our scanner died. 

Im trying not to have a nervous breakdown as we have no health benefits and the neighbor made a special trip to our place just to say he was going to shoot our dog. 

Add this to the mortage increase of 200$ a month and a debt in escrow to the tune of 900$ due by January 1st. 

My beloved cant stop having nightmares. Which is one thing- because-- and I am taking a deep breath here----  I havent slept in days and the one time I did sleep I attacked my beloved in my sleep. I was deeply greatful that her screams woke me.

 

The next 6 months determine pretty much everything about our lives. Whether or not we lose the house and the horses. Whether Obsidian has to fold. Basically if the accident claims the rest of my life or not. 

 

The stress has been over riding. I needed our third to step up. To say - I  got you. 

I didnt ask for money.  I didnt ask for food. I didnt ask to be saved.  I needed papers scanned to me so I  could upload them to the unemployment site. I was ten minutes away. 

I knew when I  called the answer was going to be a  no.

But it broke me. It broke me deep. 

Then when I found out that  they had spent their afternoon tracking down pot for a friend. Not busy at work like they said. I had no more fucks to give. 

 

I needed this. I needed this badly. 

 

I know its time. Its past time. Its been past time for a while. 

I just havent had the guts or the energy  or the ability.

 

Since the accident I have been holding on trying to fight for a life I dont have any more. 

 

I have always said that a relationship lasts until their is no hope. There may still be love, lust, desire, fun- but when the hope dies its over. 

 

So here I am. Lost. Spent.  Trying to keep my head above water with concrete shoes. 

 

Thanks for listening. 

 

 

 

11 months ago. Dec 13, 2019, 9:56 PM

Hello all! 

 

 

 

I have been offered a job. The extent of the contract verbally last night. Waiting for the paperwork to come through. Thank you all hear on the cage for all your support!

1 year ago. Nov 24, 2019, 8:11 PM

I had such a great time! I teach an instagram live feed class every Sunday 10 AM MST. 

 

Today was poor and proud in BDSM. 

I had the best time!!!! 

 

I talked about candor, how to go to events on no money, how to more objectively look at others dungeons and toys.  

 

I walked around our dungeon and talked about each piece of equipment we have. I talked about our rack and how many of our toys were gifts. 

 

But most importantly I talked about being honest about being poor with others-- and how many times that conversation alone will bond you for life. 

 

I am on cloud 9-10-11!!! 

1 year ago. Nov 15, 2019, 3:14 AM

So. I got fired today. 

 

But I also got published. 

 

Enjoy:

 

 

https://yourkinkyfriends.com/2019/11/11/bdsmmasterbear