My beloved boy Doc passed last night from colic.
I wont be on for a bit.
My beloved boy Doc passed last night from colic.
I wont be on for a bit.
Doing service in public is a completely different animal than in private. The noise, distractions, and challenges make it all very different. I encourage people to practice public service at a public event (BDSM not vanilla). It may seem funny but it absolutely grows confidence and ability as well as allows you to troubleshoot what it is you need to work on.
I have the most adorable Mx. She is new to doing public service for me. At BDSM parties I have her practice her technique. It took a while for her to catch on and for me to be eloquent enough to define what I wanted. This is because My love has been serving me for years and she has it down pat. I haven’t had to verbalize what I wanted in forever.
When I started working with Mx. I found that I was lacking in direction and I had to look at how I was communicating. What I found is that when I wrote down how I saw her service in my head, I could better clarify what I was wanting.
What I wrote contained:
1) outfit approved before party
2) give her a start and end time
3) I want to see her moving around the crowd offering drinks and food (I started to provide her a platter for her to carry. It's not expensive and it's something that she uses to go from person to person, this makes it easier for her).
4) I want her cool, calm, and collected with her focused on putting people at ease.
5) I want her curtsying before my requests and as she is dismissed.
6) Listen carefully to each request and fulfill one request at a time
7) Be graceful and quick
8) Relax and enjoy
I send her this list before each party for her to review and study. We are still working on her overall service but we both enjoy that side.
I have found that when offered a space for public training that people are hesitant to do it. I don't always understand why. Perhaps they don't want to come across as not knowing at all, unpolished, or they don't want to make their mistakes in public. I find value in making mistakes unpolished and in public. It makes service much more relatable and attainable
When Mx. and I first started I allowed things to happen organically. I asked for some things and then sat back watched. I did this for two reasons, one- I wanted to see what she would do naturally, and two- I wanted to add to what she could viscerally do easily.
What I found was she was innately eager, graceful, willing, and wanting. I also found that she didn’t know to come to me for the end time so she would dress down before I knew it (easy fix). Bigger then that she could get flustered in large groups. So I'm working on her now working on her approaching one person at a time, fulfilling one request at a time, and then the next request.
Because in the beginning I wasn’t exactly eloquent she struggled more. As I have defined more concretely what I wanted she was able to grow.
It is still a work in progress and we still learning each other. It will take about another 6 months to a year for her to be right where I want her. The time doesn’t bother me. We aren’t doing this every day and I am long term goal oriented. Not to mention that I want to add things as we go along. Eventually we will add taking coats and doing greetings, serving the whole time from 5pm until 2 am, and more specific ways to serve (what is said, hands, eyes, ect…)
All of this is for things to come, right now I am loving as she is learning and growing—and so am I.
It is not uncommon for people coming into BDSM to use caricatures as a model on how to act until they figure themselves out. These caricatures are sometimes based on our limited books/movies and extensive porn. Other times they are based on a preconceived notion of how someone with “that identity” would act. In the beginning of finding your identity having a caricature can be empowering. It can give you an idea into who you want to be. I remember my caricature as a new Dominant. The caricature I assumed was quiet, calm, and hyper vigilant. It took so much energy that I couldn’t sustain it outside of the public BDSM space, but that is when I felt I needed it.
As I have watched people over the years, I see the same caricature being played out over and over. Overly stuffy, overly stoic, emotionally unavailable, and no sense of humor… For most, over time, they drop the caricature and start being themselves. Goofy, funny, nerdy, extrovert. When people don’t drop the caricature to find themselves, then tend to do three things:
One: pressure others to be a caricature
Two: judge others based on that very limited ideal
Three: drop the identity of Master completely, for one that more easily fits who they are.
The point here is that instead of being the kind of Master that they want to be, they stop identifying as a Master because of how they feel they have to be.
Dropping a caricature means taking a big risk. You risk being labeled a faker, wanna be, poser, or whatever else other people are comfortable with you being.
Make no mistake that risk is worth everything. Being who you are in your Mastery is nothing but joyful and fulfilling.
I have gotten called a lot of things over the years. Daddy, Top, not a Master, blah blah blah. What I have found is that what others call me has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with what they need me to be.
I laugh, I fart, I have limited stoicism, and I make mmm mmm noises over really good food. I watch my love with deep love, devotion, and lust. If these things take me out of the running to be called a Master by someone else definition, that’s fine. I am not giving up who I am or what I enjoy just to act in a way that satisfies their ideal.
Abuse can happen on both sides of the Whip.
For this I am defining abuse as:
1) Use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse
2) treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.
A lot of times when a “D” type if considered abusive it is viewed as physical/psychological abuse to the extreme. This can include rape, battery, and/or isolation from support systems and family. Those can be obvious. But there are an infinite number of ways that abuse can happen. So how do we tell the difference between a protocol and abuse? Or a negotiated, consensual, structured relationship and abuse? We could say for the sake of argument, that a slave having no contact with their family as part of the consensual and negotiated relationship between themselves and their Master can actually be a healthy decision for the slave. So would that be abuse?
After watching BDSM and couples for many years I have come to conclusion that an identifier of abuse has nothing to do with negotiation, consent, or even contractual agreements.
It has everything to do with the end emotional product.
Let me elaborate:
An M/s couple negotiates, consents to, and contracts that the slave has both thumbs removed.
After the procedure the slave feels and continues to feel deeply connected to their Master and their sense of slavery. The slave goes on to serve for many happy and content years. They feel that they are able to serve better because of what they have given to their Master.
After the procedure the slave feels coerced and violated. They feel that it was a mistake and instead of feeling a connection to their Master they feel resentment. The resentment only builds. They feel that this decision only detracts from their ability to serve.
Even though the act was negotiated, consented, and contracted how the people involved feel about it determines whether or not it is viewed/experienced as an abusive act.
Take that scenario and replace the concept of amputating thumbs with anything else.
The end emotional produce determines how the actions are perceived and processed.
AND perception and processing determine what is acceptable for one and what abuse is for another.
As far as I am concerned, anticipatory service is the highest level of service achievable. It makes my life easier and speaks directly to my sense of Mastery. This type of service is given before asked and many times before I know what I need or want. For others anticipatory service is considered disobedience. Those Masters believe that if they did not request something then the slave should not assume it. In the assumption, the slaves think for themselves and this is not allowed.
Neither way is wrong. Both ways are rooted in how a person experiences their Mastery. This being said checking in with the Master is important. Are they open to expanding the service they receive? How attached are they to the outcome of what they ask? If the Master says, yes, they are open to it THEN GO FOR IT. I take much delight in how my slave finds new ways to serve me through this type of service. I feel it expands the both of us.
My goals as a Master are simple. I want my life easier. I do not micromanage, I do not hover, and I do not review endless lists of stuff that do not apply to me. This also means that I am unattached from the outcome to a point.
For example, when I say I am going out to spend time with my horses my love lays my clothes out. I do not care if the shirt is brown or black. I do not care if the socks are white or blue. I do not care if the pants are jeans or sweats. As long as the clothes are weather appropriate and able to get dirty.
I am removed from the outcome within parameters.
This allows me to relax and enjoy the service that I receive from my love, and for my love to be successful in the service that she provides.
When I come back from the horses, she has something for me to eat and drink. I do not care what. Lemonade, if we have it, is an automatic. My love will ask me if I want hot or cold to eat.
Again, I am unattached from the outcome within perimeters.
I do not feel my Mastery by micromanagement. HOWEVER, OTHERS DO.
Anticipatory service is easy to achieve, don’t let the idea of it intimidate you. Take it slow and in steps. When the slave thinks through their Masters day, some things are going to be automatic. If the Master is coming home from work, they will most likely be tired, hungry, and thirsty. When they arrive, take their coat or briefcase and keys. Have something to eat and drink ready for them, if possible, by their favorite chair. (We cannot do that because our cats love my food and drink!).
If the Master is grumpy, think- tired, hungry, thirsty, or horny.
If the Masters face is red and they are licking their lips -think thirsty.
Another example: If your Master leaves home about the same time every day and if they wear about the same thing every day then laying out their clothes while they are in the shower is an easy one. When I was working as a nurse my clothing was easy- scrubs. I do not care what color as long as they were clean and included an undershirt.
When I go to services, my slave lays out my clothes and I will occasionally say different shirt or say upfront- short sleeves and button down. You notice I do not say what color. That distinction is important. That is my being detached from the outcome and my separation from micromanagement.
There are many ways of doing anticipatory service. How often does the car need gas? Does the Master travel? If so, what suitcases do they need and when? Does the Master have a special day of the week? As in the end of their work week? On this day, do they like to go out to dinner or sleep most of the day? How can the slave accommodate those things? How can the slave contribute to make these things easier or more satisfying?
You will be amazed at the many ways to do this type of service and the affect it has on your both. I find it heady. I can relax quicker and I feel cared for and served not just on a surface level but also deeply and viscerally.
Before we can be healthy in our M/s relationships, we need to be healthy balanced people. This does not mean that everything is always under control. It does not mean that you do not have mental illnesses or physical disabilities. It does not mean that you are a perfect person. It in no way means that you do not fail. It in no way means that you are a financially set before you can be a Master or slave.
That is not what I am saying.
What I am saying is that to be healthy in our relationships we need to be healthy inside of our own selves. This means that sometimes we do things that are seemingly opposite of our identities.
I strongly believe that a person’s BDSM identity cannot be the only thing that fulfills them. This idea creates the expectation that an identity encompasses the entirety of a person’s being. That someone should have complete fulfillment because the drive to lead or serve.
We are all complex multifaceted people. Being a Master is a huge part of my life, but not my entirely. The same with my love’s slavery.
My slave and I have different interests, hobbies, and desires. These differences do not make us grow further apart, instead they allow us to refresh and come back to each other better.
I am not intimidated by her ability to create. It in no way takes away from her service to me. Instead, she thinks of new ways to serve me. My love makes bath and beauty products. This inspired and awakened her. It ignite a passion that pushed and challenged her in ways that I could not. I viewed my job, as her Master was to support her at every turn.
Now I have the best homemade soaps, lotions, and magical items at my fingertips.
I love my horses. My love does not “do” horses. However, she supports my being away from her when I am with them. My love does not pout, emotionally punish, or withdraw service or affection when I spend time with my horses. (Which is critical because I spend time with them daily.)
I come back refreshed and better able to listen and lead because of my time with them.
Some say that a slave punishing a Master is 1) not real 2) avoidable or 3) controllable.
I say this is the real world. In addition, in the real world there are emotions and consequences.
I accept that fact that my slave’s identity is not enough to fulfill her completely. It is a requirement that anyone who serves under me has to, in some form or function other than his or her job, serve outside the home. They have to be on a board somewhere, organize meetings somewhere, and/or volunteer.
What they do is their choice. That they do is mine.
What started out as a passion has turned into full-blown business.
In addition, I reap all the benefits.
AND I am so deeply proud of her.
When I first started in BDSM, I was asked the question:
In an M/s relationship who drives?
Does the Master drive?
Does the slave drive?
In addition, what does each result mean about service within that relationship?
I pondered that for a little while. Then I realized that the end product does not always determine if something is an act of service or an act of control.
BUT the request does.
What I mean by this is:
If the Master says “I drive” then the slave gets to be the passenger.
If the Master says “the slave drives” then the Master gets to be a passenger.
It is not the end product that determines if the service was done, it is the Master’s request.
I was in a car accident in 04/2017. I have been on long-term disability since 09/2017. My slave has had to pick up the slack when I have not been able to do things.
This does not mean that she is topping from below or leading out of her place. It does mean that outside eyes can easily misinterpret how she serves.
For example, I was at an event and I got confused. My slave took my hand and led me down the hall out of the fray and said “sit here and I’ll get you water.” Because of my confision. I needed short sentences.
Did that mean she led inappropriately?
How did that look to others?
For me, she was not leading inappropriately she was instead in service to me and working towards my comfort.
When a Master gets their own plate of food. Is that because the slave refuses to get the food? Is it because the Master enjoys getting their own food?
How is each thing viewed differently?
For us, my slave walks in front of me most of the time.
For others the slave must walk behind two paces and off the dominant hand.
My slave walking in front of me is my choice. That is where I prefer her. I love watching her walk and I feel that I can better keep her safe when she is in front of me.
It does not mean that she is walking over me, or that she is leading from under. It is that she is doing what I want and need her to do.
Therefore, as we look at how dynamics play out it is often easy to say:
That Master does not have the slave in hand.
Or “---“ is not a slave, they run all over their Master.
When really that is not it at all, because what we see does not entail everything that they feel.