1 month ago. February 1, 2023 at 7:43 PM
I wanted to do a follow up on my post AITA. After reading the comments that were there I had a lot of thinking to do. I thought 'this isn't my life and as long as I'm not invited into whatever she's doing then I'm fine'. It took a lot of work to get past being triggered.
I thought OK it's the 1st of the year why don't I invite my friend over for a get together with some other people. We didn't have the get together because a lot of things fell apart at that time -- but she said that she wanted to come up anyway.
I was excited! It was a chance to start over.
We could play cards and talk.
She said that she had gifts for us . I explained that we do not have gifts for her. She responded by saying she wasnt expecting any.
When she came over something was wrong. The anger just flowed off of her. I asked her how she was and she said "I dont want to talk about me, tell me about you".
I started talking - When I told her that we had been in a hotel for 2 weeks she got very angry. She said "I have a spare room!"
I looked her dead in the eye and I told her "we are not safe with around your husband". (He is a ketamine addict and raging alcoholic and we had not gone to her house in years. She knew this.)
Also, K, her stepdaughter, had done a fair amount of damage when she had unceremoniously pulled out from helping with the collaring ceremony. Damage that she has had no interest in trying to repair.
She looked away. I attempted to continue talking but she just got angrier. I just stopped talking. Thats when she said "well ive been in a mental institution."
Which we knew- and this wasnt a competition. But ok- I encouraged her to keep talking.
A lot of what she said didnt make sense- which is a conversation for another time.(I have worked inpatient psyche- so the discrepancies didnt sound right).
Then she said lets go outside:
She showed up in a Uhaul- with a freezer.
To be clear here:
We never asked for a freezer.
We were talking together maybe like 3 years ago --- when things turn around and get better we'll get a deep freezer.
BUT it was not critical and it was not pressing.
The freezer was huge. Which begged the question was it even gonna fit into the house or not. Moreover how it was going to be moved.
I looked at My beloved and she looked me.
Neither of us wanted this, however having told her no before and having that not go well, and her current anger--- we just moved forward.
We are in the living room talking about how to move it and the 1st thing that came out of her mouth is "I have $20, point me in which direction to go ask guys to help us."
I froze. I said no. I said I'm not comfortable with that.
(Side note: We are not close to our neighbors. They are not our friends. We are friendly, but I do not want them in our home. I never talk about them.)
I could feel a trigger.
Finally I said- let me go look at it.
I spent the next 3 hours moving a freezer inch by inch. My cough returned and would not stop. It was nearing dark and the air was getting colder. I knew it had to get done before nightfall or my lungs would not hold.
At one point I was resting and she said
"I need to go get muscle."
I looked up at her and I said plainly "No-- this is a trigger for me. " She said nothing.
I got the monstrosity inside just as the dark hit.
We had to wait 48 hours to plug it in for some reason, and when we plugged it in, it was broken. (Now we have to pay someone 500$ to haul it away. )
The next day I texted her and I said
I need to be very clear here. I understand that you are male centric. However we had it out over this last time. To be crystal clear we do not want you bringing unknown persons in to our home. I was in shock when you thought it was ok to go down the street and ask random men to come into our home. There needs to be an understanding this is not acceptable in our home and this is not negotiable.
She launched into all of the reasons why she was in the right. She refused to recognize the boundary. She did not apologize for causing the trigger.
It devolved into me being triggered all over again and realizing this was going no where.
I ended the friendship.
I am happy that I tried again. I miss what the friendship was. I grieve that. However- it is not who she has become, and I will not put myself or My beloved in danger because of her need for male validation.
Anyone want a broken freezer? Its free....