A Rough Start

Since I have left my toxic work environment, I have gained so much freedom. But I'm not quite sure if it's a good thing.

My partner and I have recently decided on a transition in my life becoming more me focused. This means my spare time is focused on doing what I want when I want. This is something I've never really had the ability to do....ever. Because of this, my anxiety is in overdrive. 

I have always craved this freedom from an early age and now that I have it I'm terrified. I am scared that my partner has to take on the financial responsibility for both of us. But most of all I am scared that I will fail. 

For those of you that don't know, I am what some would call a creative spirit. With this spirit comes the crafting of many different artistic media. What I hope to establish, with the support of my Dom, is a successful career using these collective skills. But I am so scared to try. 

I do not want to disappoint my Dom or leave us both in a spot that we can not recover from. So for now I take on the responsibility of homemaker. But recently even that has become a struggle. It takes every part of my being to establish a task, let alone pick up a brush and paint. 

I have talked to my partner about the new fear I feel with all this new freedom. I just don't know how to process it. There is just too much guilt and fear attached and I don't know what to do.

*RANT*

While I am not having fun and getting spanked by Daddy, I also have a big girl job. A job that I was very lucky to have during this last few years.

How ever, over the course of time that I have been employed has not been easy.

I initially took this job in order to help out my brother in-law while his uncle was sick. This man was amazing and gave me a new perspective on the generation before mine. We had such mutual respect for one another and pride in our work.

But he was so sick, and was in and out of the hospital for the entirety of the first year of my training. It took a lot of determination and hard work to train myself with very little guidance or help. But I was so proud of that. To see how hard I could push myself both physically and mentally.

Being a woman in a male dominated work space was the next challenge. There were older men who if they weren’t trying to sleep with you, would criticize the way you move. I couldn’t even take a day off without being mocked or criticized by fellow wear house men.

These were the same men that dumped product in large pallets on the printing floor, complain about walking up stairs, hiding things so they didn’t have to put them away and bitched if I asked for help.

That was the first battle of many.

- Sexist/Misogynistic comments

- Limited Pay, while also promises of raises that never took place.

- Belittled for asking for Products to stay productive

- Working the Job of 3 people: upper management confirming this

- Being under minded by upper management

And to top it all off, one of the shittiest Trainees I have ever witnessed in my life! Not only did she not like owning up to her mistakes, constantly argumentative about any suggestions, temper that would flare and the slightest touch and on her phone constantly, hiding, like she was 14! This woman was 54 years old and acted like a toddler!

One day, I had had enough of her shit and tried to talk to her about making some adjustments so that we could have a more efficient working atmosphere. And she blew a fuse!!! I’m talking up in my face screaming at me like a cornered cat. I was terrified and confused….

I had done nothing to this woman but shared my knowledge, patience and even a few belly laughs. At that point that relationship was gone. 

Taking this to management I was given the same response I always was. Talk it out and take on more task. No solutions, no reprimands, just “let it go”.

In the time that I have spent at this company I have never felt more unheard, unseen and taken advantage of. When I would ask my upper management to intervene, I was given bandage solutions or brushed off. I gave them my time, body and effort, and they gave me a kick in the face. I made this job my whole life because I had no other choice. I didn’t want to fail.

Two days ago I walked out of my work without a second glance. But not before getting screamed at by the banshee I called a coworker for the last time. I am so done….

No more dread as I pull myself out of bed, no more anxiety filled drives to work, no more disrespect and lies… No more

P.S. I still haven’t been reached out to by HR and I doubt I ever will.

It has been a while since I have reached out to this community. I’ve taken a step back not only from the BDSM life style, but from the intense play that I use relish.

All for a very good reason.

In the last two years I have started down a path of healing and discovery. During this time, I worked with my therapist digging through my past and working towards the future. Together, we uncovered something hidden. Something I had buried inside for a long time, in hopes that it would wither away and die.

A very important person in my life broke the fragments of my reality and shook my childhood to its core. So much so that I blocked this disaster out for as long as I could.

Now…. It is all that I can think about.

When I am alone, when I go to sleep, and even more so when I play.

I go back to that space and shake in fear waiting for the pain and anxiety to pass. Begging for it to stop, for them to stop. Apologizing over and over again. 

A little girl cowering in fear and pain, simply for crying for attention. I shield her in a warm pink light, watching from the outside.

This is where my mind goes as a crop stings my skin. Jumping as I hear it cut through the air. The very thing that use to send my blood racing with excitement and wet between my thighs.

But now that has been stolen from me. I don’t know if I can ever be in that space again, floating and happy. How do I move forward? Or should I give up the life that I love? 

Recently my Dominant and I have taken a step back from physical play. This more so having to do with issues that I have been having myself. Ones that I have been working through with my Therapist and want to share with you now.

In the past, I had a parental figure who was extremely abusive to me. And because of this controlling and abusive relationship, I have been terrified and ashamed of my appearance for as long as I could remember. 

I am tired of being in denial and hidding the fact that my Mother, the very person who was sapose to protect me! Was my abuser. Just as her mother was before her. And because of this fact I am terrified to have children, I am afraid to share my emotions with others and I am terrified of ever getting hit like that ever again. Not a hit of punishment, but hit of pure rage! She was a monster.

My Dominant has NEVER hit me out of anger and never will. But there has been times that punishment becomes a terrifying reminder of what that woman did to me ..... And I have to pull away. 

At this moment in time, I can't help but question if by me choosing to persue this lifestyle was my way of coping with my past. And I'm not quite sure how this will effect my future. But as for now, my Dominant and I will be standing together hand in hand not matter what.

* I apologize in advance if the statement I made above has upset anyone, I just needed to be able to share it with others who truly understand this lifestyle and can possibly shed some light on it *

Being a brat, I tend to get a rush out of teasing my Dom and being put back in my place. Recently however, I ended up taking it to far and playfully lied to my Daddy to see what kind of response I would get out of him. This led to an apology letter, corner time, sit ups and spankings.... and not the good kind.

Normally during my punishments, I take them in stride. But this time was different. No my Dominant wasn't angry with me at the time. He never punishes me when he is upset. This was more due to something that was triggered while I was being spanked.

In my past there were times when my mother would spank us for everything...  and I mean everything. And it wasn't normal spanks, it was rage induced and hard. There was even a point where I was struck across my face multiple times for crying to much.

In that moment of punishment coming from my Dominant, brought to the surface something that I had been thinking about for weeks.... and it broke me. It was by no means my Dominants fault, and we spoke about it soon after. (I also got lots of cuddles and Disney Movies.)

But that isn't want this post is about. It's just me dealing with something that has messed me up emotionally for over 10 years now. It's something that has been  coming more into focus as I continue my therapy and try to unbury my past and the painful memories that come with it.

One of them many joys of this cite is getting connected to like minded people. But with being on here, there runs the risk of running into horny little men just looking for his next free sexual fix.

The most messed up part is that they act so sweet and innocent, wanting nothing more to just be friends. But all they are just naïve little wolves in sheeps clothing. Disrespecting boundaries, begging and bargaining, asking you to stay and be there's. Doing nothing but making us feel cheep and easy. 

Yes, we submissives know that we tend to be unresistable. But just because we choose this life style doesn't make us just anyone's whore. We are people first and give ourselves whole heartedly to who we choose. So the next time some horny little boy decides to come on this cite, either come here to learn or go fuck yourself. Literally

So just recently my Dom and I were able to go to a large convention humorously called Spanksgiving. And I have to say! It was a great experience and very much opened a lot of new doors for me. 

While I was there I met a lot of friendly new faces. One pair in particular that really peaked my interest was this other plus size couple. The woman was a switch and her partner Mr. Beast was still discovering his stance when it comes to BDSM.

But! That is besides the point. What fascinated me the most was the fact that these two was that they are part of a swingers club. A thing I have heard about but had never really explored myself. Being that I have only ever slept with one partner I couldn't help but be curious about this dynamic. 

My Dom and I have talked about adding another person to our dynamic, but obviously have some hesitations to the idea. But after talking to our new friends, I think I have more of an open mind when it comes to adding another to our dynamic, even if for only a night.

Of course this is something that we would both have to agree on, but I can't help but want to try. It does also help that I find both of our new swinger friends very good looking. Who knows? Maybe one day.

But going back to opening doors! I was given the opportunity to top that weekend as well! Only for a short moment, but something about that interaction made something happen.

Not going to lie, it was kind of nerve racking at first, being that I wasn't quite sure what to do. But once I was given a little power and was able to rub a mans face in my ass, it was actually kind of fun! It had me giggling like crazy, especially after the man who I was topping adjusted himself after.

Whether he was joking or not, I rather enjoyed having the power to turn on a man while slightly degrading/teasing him at the same time. This is definitely something I will have to look into more.

I would love to hear from some of my fellow subs and have them share their topping experiences! If you have a story to share please comment below!

For those of you who do not know, I have been struggling with body dysmorphia for about 20 years now. To help give a better understanding of what this is.

This... Is a mental illness. A mental illness that makes everything flaw, every wrinkle, pore and fold of skin disgusting. So much so that some days, you can't even look yourself in the mirror due to how revolted you are by your appearance. 

For me, this comes from a traumatic past. A past that I have been running from and trying to bury for years. But not anymore. Over the last couple of months I have been taking part of a performance arts class. 

In the beginning I was terrified. How am I going to be able to do this? Why did I pick a class that my body is the main focus? How am I going to make art like that when all I want to do is crawl out of my skin? Well I will tell you, it wasn't easy. But I knew of I ever wanted to be happy I had to face my fears head on. 

The first day of class we were asked to explain what we wanted to get out of being here. After a long period of silence, I finally spoke up. When I shared my reasoning for being there I couldn't help but break down and cry. I was so ashamed of how I felt about myself. So ashamed to cry in front of complete strangers. I waited for laughter or maybe even harsh words. But nothing but kindness came from the others in the room... I was shocked. And from that moment on, I wanted to share more.

Over the next few months I was able to preform a piece dedicated to my past and the people who had caused me so much pain.

In this performance, I wore layer after layer of clothes. Some were used to represent the times of deep depression, others bought to hide my " trouble areas" as it was so lovingly put. And I hated them. I wanted them gone. Just like these clothes, I no longer wanted to carry the memories. The memories of pain, humiliation. I wanted them gone! I hated them, almost as much as I hated myself..... So I began to shred. 

Buttons flew as my anger came out. No longer wanting to feel ashamed, no longer wanting to feel not good enough. No longer wanting to be afraid. And as all the clothes fell in a pile around my feet.... I was free!

I was naked.... excepted.... seen. And  finally.... Finally, loved me for being me.

I will say, the process getting to this point was not easy. There were many of nights where I would shake, cry and relive the memories that I had barried for so long. But I was lucky enough to have my Dominant there to cradle me and keep me safe. He was just as much involved in this process as I was and I am so grateful for that. I don't think I would have every had the courage to deal with any of this on my own. He is and always will be my rock and I his.

But the real reason why I wanted to share all of this with you is that I wanted to let you all know is that you are all beautiful! And don't EVER let anyone else make you feel any less self worth. I love you all and I hope you get the chance to reach out, seek help and grow to be the better you. Because you are worth it.

Recently I was asked what I see in my Dom that I don't see in another. And I won't lie when I say that I was very much thrown for a loop when I was asked. When was the last time you sat back and really admired your Dom and all that he is? Well I can tell you this, that I very much take my Dom for granted and I am ashamed to say so.

But after a series of events that took place this last week, I finally sat back and really though about what this man means to me. But before that, I would like to share how we first met.

It all started on this very website. I was very new and having a lot of ups and downs with online Doms. I was getting tired of it so I decided to try to find local people so that I was able to get introduced into the local BDSM community. That way I could meet more people in person. 

I came across a person who ended up not only being in the same state, but city as well. I was extremely excited and contacted him right away. I was really only looking for a friend at the time. Nothing more. But over a few months, he and I chatted and got to know one another and decided to meet up and talk about possibly being play partners. He was actually the one to give my my first toy, and I about freaked out by how excited I was from just holding my new crop. 

Time passed and we played together more and more. We both were not planning on this happening, but as the months past, we realized our feeling were so much more than what we had anticipated. So we entered a relationship along with the promise of a possible collar in my future.

What I see in My Dom Vs. another Dom is someone who will support me in everything I do. Someone who sees the beauty in his submissive, even when she can't see it in herself. I see a person who will do anything to make me a better verson of myself, and inspires me to do so. I see a strong man who has been through as much shit as I have and still never wavers. A man full of compassion, strength. A man who can lift my spirit even when his is broken. He is my best friend, my lover. My everything. And that.... Is why I chose to submit to him. And only him. 

Submission is no mere gift, it is a total devotion. To give yourself to someone completely. To trust them with your soul, body and mind. To let them do what they wish with you, with your best interest at heart. 

And with this man, I gladly submit my all.

This past weekend, my Daddy and I went to our first play session in many months. Normally I would have been very excited to go, but this time I was completely on edge.

The reasoning for this is that we would be playing for the first time in public. And the idea of getting naked, even partially, is terrifying. Having my every flaw on display, every mark and fold.

Body dysmorphia, the monster I deal with every day. But lucky for me, I have an amazing Dom who helps me defeat this with reassurance, his touch, and hungry gaze.

So I faced my fear. I took Daddy's hand and walked out onto the dungeon floor. Locking eyes with Daddy, and focusing completely on him. I dropped my dress to the floor at his command and took my place on the play rack of his choice. And that is where the really fun began.

On full display, I hid my face in my hair. But soon as the first hit grazed my skin, I jolted out of hiding. I could feel the gaze of others trailing my skin as my Daddy struck me again and again. It wasn't long before I was flying high and letting my sounds of pleasure escape my lips.

But like all good things, our play session sadly came to and end. But this time, instead of quickly covering myself in shame. I floated across the floor, bear and calm meeting others gaze. 

I had never felt so comfortable in my skin as I did in that moment. And all I can say is thank you, to the amazing man that is my Dom. I am proud to be yours, and thank you for being as amazing as you make me feel.