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Thoughts of a sub whose seen too much in her young life.
5 days ago. Feb 17, 2020, 11:09 PM

So this weekend I went to visit my mom with my kids. She made me get a heavy jacket which I've really been needing honestly, although I got back to Jersey and it's 60 degrees out. But we went and took pictures of the kids in the snow. Than we went sledding. 

 

I haven't been sledding in years. Last time I remember going sledding was before my parents had split when I was 9 yrs old (they are back together now). But I just let go on Sunday. I went down the hill and laughed until my sides hurt. It's been so long. My mom was telling me it's been so long since she's seen me so happy and free.  It was amazing.

2 weeks ago. Feb 2, 2020, 9:06 PM

Well it is Superbowl Sunday here in the US. Which means parties, drinking and agruing who will win (in my experiences anyway). It's also the day, every year, I realize how different I am from the rest of my family. They always seem to "forget" to invite me to their houses to enjoy the party and see people.

 

This year my father actually shocked me and told me I was invited to my little brothers house for the Superbowl party. "Oh Awesome!" Thanks. He told me that a few weeks ago.  Today comes and he let slip that my brother didn't want me there because I don't like football. Why invite me if all I'm going to is sit around and not enjoy myself? 

 

I'll admit my entire family knows I do not like to drink. It's just who i am. And yes I do not like football. But who said I wouldn't enjoy spending time with other people? So while I had been all excited about going even if for an hour or two now I don't see the reason.

 

Instead I'll stay at my dad's house where I am currently staying with the kids. My ex husband is going and I'll be here with them. It's fine.  It's the normal every year. So I guess I'm saying what's New? They always exclude me when it comes to lots of things. I just need to put on my big girl panties and get over it.

 

Be kind.

Pandabear.

2 weeks ago. Feb 2, 2020, 4:59 AM

So today I treated myself to something. It's been a very long time since I bought myself a new toy... in today's case it's a ps4. The last time I owned a game system was the ps3 that I got 8 yrs after they came out. But here I am now... trying to play a game and I'm absolutely sucking at. 

 

First person shooter games are hard... got one of them and of course I had to get Kingdom Hearts 3 because I mean... why wouldn't I?

 

Dont mind me while I sulk about how much i suck at the game.

 

Always be kind.

Pandabear 

3 weeks ago. Jan 28, 2020, 5:10 PM

As I sit in front of my house waiting for the rebuild team to come in today (was supposed to be here at 8... it's now 10...) I have had entirely too much time to think.

 

Awhile ago I posted about my Little side. How I have been fighting to keep her locked up and not letting her show. Well last night I had a major break down. And it was hard... very hard.

 

I couldn't stop crying. All I wanted was my panda blanket, which unforunately is at my house, and cuddles. I couldn't stop. Couldn't figure out why I had broken down, that is... until this morning.

 

Since my house has flooded I haven't given myself time to be well me. I haven't gone into my little space at all. So for a month and a half now I have fought her off. Than last night I broke. I cried and cried for hours. Woke up this morning with my face feeling crusty and gross. But I also felt tons better.

 

I didn't realize how much my little side has been hurting with everything going on. We can't bake like we want too. Can't curl up and watch all our Disney movies with our panda blanket. She was hurt and confused... I was hurt and confused... 

 

But the release that came from it was amazing. I still fight to accept that side of me. Every day I do. But I think I'm going to stop fighting it. As best as I can anyway. I might just let her free and who cares who sees? 

 

But than I also come to the part where I am scared... terrified actually of others judging me. Ever since I was little (actually young aged) my mother always told me I need to grow up. Those words are very hard to get out of my head. I can't act this way I need to grow up. 

 

It's causing a much bigger conflict than I would like to admit within myself and I have to take it a day at a time. If any other Littles have advice on this I would greatly appreciate it.

 

 

Always be kind.

*hugs*

Pandabear

1 month ago. Jan 20, 2020, 10:20 PM

"We will start the work tuesday!" That's what they told me Thursday on the phone. That they would be in putting my house back together that has been torn apart since the Sunday After thanksgiving. Almost 2 fucking months now!!!

 

They get their secretary (didn't even have the guts to call me themselves!) And have her tell me they won't be out until Thursday now. They had a hiccup at another job and now mine has to be pushed back. Like wtf! I've been out of my house for 2 freaking months now. You don't have more than 1 team?! At least put in the cabinets so I can move back home..please?

 

I'm just so disappointed right now. Every time it seems to be a step forward it feels like someone is shoving me back 10 steps... I just want to throw in the towel. 

 

I'll be okay. I always am. I have to be. But today I just want to quit...

 

 

 

Always be kind...

1 month ago. Jan 20, 2020, 1:21 AM

As I sit here with a cake in the oven baking (funfetti of course!) And my kids running around like mad.

 

But anyway as everyone knows I bake when I am upset or lost in thought about something. It's a good way to help with my anxiety (which is at an all time high these past few days). But today baking is bringing me no peace... no joy... Which is sad. I absolutely love baking. Making things for others to enjoy really makes me happy and yet today I can't seem to get out of this dark place. Tomorrow will be better for me. It always is. 

 

I'll be starting a new book tonight and hopefully enjoying some of the cake I am making. But who knows what else. I just can't seem to shake this feeling.

 

My throat is tight and I feel panicky... like something awful is going to happen and I don't like it... hopefully it's just my mind playing tricks on me....

 

As always be kind.

1 month ago. Jan 10, 2020, 2:38 AM

Well today I was having an awesome day that is until some lady flipped out at me in the waiting room for my oldest daughter's therapy. I don't handle being yelled at well. Never have. My automatic response is to cry and hide. I couldn't do that with my daughter there.

 

I'm sure some of you might be wondering what happened that caused a complete and total stranger I have NEVER even seen before (there every Thursday) to flip out on me? Well let me just say... I was helping my daughter with her homework. She has ADHD and if we don't do homework as soon as we get done school it never gets done. In this case means doing it in the therapy waiting room. Mind you we do homework there every single Thursday and have never had a single problem!

 

I was calling her name a lot to get her attention back to her homework today (as I do every single day). I wasn't yelling, wasn't screaming, not even a raised voice. Just a simple *insert name here* pay attention.  This women suddenly turns and snaps at me if we can do put it away I'm giving her anxiety with how I'm treating my daughter. I said no we cannot as we have another appointment immediately after. The women than started to yell at me saying she can't believe how I was treating my child and it was crazy. There are rules and I need to follow them (the list she was pointing out said no hitting others mind you.) 

I asked her to mind her own business and turned back to my child. Omg that was a mistake! A big one! She than starts getting loud with me that I'm in a public place and I brought her into this and it's my fault that this is happening.  I told her once again to just leave me alone and mind her own business. She keeps going off than turned and said something along the lines of "if this is how homework is I can't imagine how horrible her life must be." 

By this point the front office and several therapists are coming in to see what's going on. The scheduling therapist (who is also there every Thursday with me) asked if everything was okay looking pointedly at me. At this point I was near tears telling the lady how rude and mean she was and just to leave me alone. I should also point out that at this point I am yelling begging her to just leave me be. So I turn and tell the scheduler that she won't leave me alone. That all we are trying to do is our homework and she just won't stop! This lady turns out and says straight to my daughter "it's a no wonder your child is in therapy just look at you." I told the lady that she was causing my anxiety to rise and she needed to stop. At that point my child bursts into tears and I turned to my child trying to comfort her. The women leaves screaming and yelling that I need to learn to follow the rules and that I am a terrible mother. I was there with tears streaming down my face.

 

The front office asked if we were okay as I comforting my child and I kinda just nodded. They brought us out water and things to try and help. That's when I started texting Him and started to work on calming myself down. (Thank you!!!) We finished our homework with no more fuss.

 

It just amazes me how cruel some people can be. Why would you cause a seen in front of a child AT A THERAPIST OFFICE?! Than once the child is in tears say more mean things before storming off? Why do that. It's just cruel and plain mean. I even asked my child afterwards if I was being loud or mean or anything that lady was saying and she told me no I was just getting her attention. I was assured that we will never run into her again at the office. That she was only there as a reschedule for another therapist. And honestly if it was that big of a deal start of the conversation nicely. Ask us if we can keep it down a little bit more. Don't immediately start with an attitude making demands from me or my child because I will say no. It's who I am.

 

I also just wanted to say another Thank you to Him. He was a huge help through all of this while it was happening and it helped me a lot. Got my shaking to stop and my breathing to start again. 

 

Always, always, always be kind to one another.

1 month ago. Jan 8, 2020, 3:46 AM

Well yesterday and today I've had 2 complete and total break down. I don't know how to handle them anymore. Before I could talk myself through and assure myself everything would be okay. But instead I'm not. I feel lost and confused and honestly... I feel worthless and useless. That I will never amount to anything more than I am.

 

I know it's not true.  When I can step back and look at it I know it's not. And yet when these thoughts invade I can't stop them. Instead they eat away at me until I am questioning anything and everything. And its fucking hard. (Sorry for the langauge). 

 

Talking to my mom has helped some. Since my ex-husband and I have decided to separate, it's the first time I've really been on my own. It didn't hit me how hard and exhausting this all would be alone. And yet here I am trying day in and day out to do best for my girls. I'm applying to every single job I can that will pay the bills. I'm trying to be the best damn mother i can be....

And yet I still feel like I'm useless, worthless, undeserving of all the help given to me. And it's literally eating me up inside. 

 

Talking with Him today helped. A LOT. He got me smiling and laughing again. Something I haven't done since Saturday (technically 1am Sunday morning) which is shocking for me. It's just hard.

 

But I'll be okay. Because I have to be.

As always be kind.

Pandabear.

1 month ago. Jan 4, 2020, 7:22 AM

So it will be another 2 weeks at least until I can return to my own home with my girls. It is beyond stressful and I can't help but feel like a burden to my dad. Not only that but my sister started to text me today asking when everything is done because she's giving me her old furniture. She than guilt trips me by saying they can't let their dogs roam (I don't see how the house is huge) bc they have the couch they are giving me stacked in one corner of the room.

 

The stress of it all is really getting to me. It sometimes becomes overwhelming. So glad I can talk to Him about it though :) 

 

But on to a different story. My oldest daughter got Luigi's mansion 3 for xmas... I asked her if I could play it because it's one of my favorite games... well I beat it... completely.... in 3 days.... now what am I going to do with my time? Lol. That also doesn't include reading 4 books and cleaning both girls rooms at my house so we can just move back in when we return home.

 

I also got to use tools (whose idea was that anyway?!) And used a sledge hammer to destroy an old captains bed. God that felt good and got out some of my stress and anger.  Than I got anger again putting together my toddler's new bed. But I haven't felt this productive in a long time and I am getting stuff done that has been needing to get done. :)

As always be kind.

PandaBear

1 month ago. Dec 23, 2019, 1:51 PM

Usually I love this time of year. I love all the pwetty lights and the colors.  But this year for some reason I'm having trouble getting into the season. I'm putting on my happy face for my kids. Pretending all is okay.. when inside I just want to throw a tantrum and give up. And yes I mean a literal tantrum. Like throw yourself on the ground and kick and scream until I feel better.

 

I obviously can't/won't do that. But I want to so bad. It was supposed to be our first Christmas in our own home and that got ruined by the flood that happened the Sunday after thanksgiving. So my girls and I are still staying with my dad at his and my mom's house.  It's quiet the adjustment and it's hard.

 

We just did my mom's Christmas for my kids on Saturday before she headed back up to new York. I got a new stand mixer that I've wanted for years but was always told I had to have my own house first.  

 

I'm just stuck in a funk I can't seem to get out of. I'll be okay. I always am.

 

Remember always be kind

PandaBear