alaurable's Blog

Consider this a late Halloween-themed photoshoot. I had a tube of leftover fake blood so I dumped it all over myself and took photos. Enjoy. ;) 

"I will eat you alive, bitch. And you'll love every moment of it."

Damn my ass is looking good these days. 

"Displease me and I shall bathe in your blood, worthless worms."

I'm known in my local circles as The Kink Violinist because I beat my bottoms with my violin bow in between playing. 😉 Here are some of my most recent photos. 

This song is my muse at the moment. I love it.

They say you can tell a lot about a person by their favorite music. My musical tastes are ridiculously diverse and vary by my mood (Italian opera was my genre of choice the other day), but Halestorm is one of my all-time favorite artists. I listen to their music when I feel like wearing badass heels, leather, and red lipstick. And that happens on a pretty regular basis. ; ) So enjoy this peek into the chaotic diversity that resides in my head.

Halestorm: Mz Hyde

Music video: [

In the daylight,
I’m your sweetheart,
Your goody-two-shoes prude is a work of art.
But you don’t know me,
And soon you won’t forget,
Bad as can be, yeah you know I’m not so innocent

Better beware I go bump in the night,
Devil-may-care with a lust for life,
And I know you,
Can’t resist this
You know you
Are so addicted.
Boy you better run for your life!

Welcome to the nightmare in my head,
Say hello to something scary,
The monster in your bed,
Just give in and you won’t be sorry,
Welcome to my other side,
Hello it’s Mz. Hyde!

I can be the bitch,
I can play the whore,
Or your fairytale princess who could ask for more.
A touch of wicked,
A pinch of risqué,
Good girl gone bad, my poison is your remedy

Better be scared, better be afraid,
Now that the beast is out of her cage,
And I know you,
Wanna risk it,
You know you
Are so addicted.
Boy, you better run for your life!

Welcome to the nightmare in my head,
(My god!)
Say hello to something scary,
The monster in your bed,
(My god!)
Just give in and you won’t be sorry,
Welcome to my evil side,
Hello it’s Mz. Hyde!

I’m the spider crawling down your spine,
Underneath your skin.
I will gently violate your mind,
Before I tuck you in.
Put on the blindfold
There’s no way to be sure,
Which girl you’ll get tonight!

Given my ardent feminism and my love for BDSM, it surprises me to see other feminists saying that you can't be into BDSM and be a "true" feminist.

Firstly, being a feminist means fighting for a woman's right to make her own damn decisions. That means we don't judge women who are conservative or religious, who rely on men for support, who are stay at home moms who like to cook, or women who like being sexually dominated by a man (or any other kind of kinky fun). Every woman (or female presenting person) is different, and trying to fit us all into the same box is exactly what feminism is supposed to be against. Humans are sexual creatures with a wide range of interests and turn-on's, and we should not judge them for consensual, safe activities that are done with other full informed, consenting adults. Who I have fun with and how is no one else's business but my own.

Secondly, BDSM is not abuse. Consent is the core of BDSM; without fully informed and continual consent, it's abuse. If a women doesn't feel she can say no, it's not real BDSM. Every participant has the right to say no at any time, for any reason, and they don't have to do anything that they don't want to do. This is the opposite of how domestic violence works. Abuse doesn't ask permission, it doesn't establish or respect safety or personal boundaries; the abuser just takes what they want. BDSM is about the voluntary exchange of power and control, which is actually very empowering when done correctly. Calling BDSM abuse or anti-feminist shows a lack of understanding of what BDSM is all about, and it demeans the wonderful people who have found acceptance and freedom here.

Now, there are some predators and awful people within BDSM. Predators like to take advantage of people who may be vulnerable and unaware that what they're experiencing is abuse. It reminds me a lot of church from my past religious days, actually. Just like some pastors or non-religious youth workers target people (especially young people) for manipulation and assault, some people within the BDSM spectrum take advantage for their own nefarious purposes. But this is not a BDSM-specific problem, it's found in many groups, especially conservative religious groups. It doesn't mean that type of group is inherently bad or unsafe, but it does mean that the group needs to make a conscious effort to educate their members so they are not vulnerable to these predators. In the kink groups I'm involved in, consent and education is a major focus. When I joined the community in my area, the first thing experienced players asked me was if I understood consent and safety. I've actually felt much safer in my local BDSM community than I ever felt when I was using regular online dating, and though I haven't hooked up with people from bars I can't imagine feeling anywhere near as safe in that kind of situation.

I've been in a bad BDSM situation where the rules of consent and safety were not followed. I know how scary it is to have my right to say no taken away. It's horrible. But that's not what real BDSM is about. Since then I've educated myself on proper BDSM methods and I know to watch for predators, and while I'm still learning I'm being well taken care of within the safety of the community.

So for feminists who would like to demonize BDSM as anti-feminist and anti-woman, let's focus on ending actual abuse, where the right to say no doesn't exist and manipulation abounds. That's what dehumanizes and oppresses women, not fully consensual kink play.

I see that look of disgust or shock on your face when you're faced with someone who is "unconventional". But why? We didn't choose to be unconventional. You chose that label for us.

You create a gender binary and then exclude everyone who doesn't fit in it. You've decided how men and women are supposed to express their gender, and judge those who don't fit that narrow mould.

You tell us that only one sexual orientation is natural and acceptable, and anyone who has other attractions is deviant and perverted.

You tell us that monogamy is the only way to express and pursue love and affection, despite history and current families proving you wrong.

You tell us that belief in the supernatural is the default, shaming and excluding those who believe differently.

You tell us that only certain methods of sexual expression and platonic affection are appropriate, and then show your shock and disgust when we break your social taboos.

You tell us that our creative self expression with our hair, clothes, body art, and mannerisms make us unfit for "civilized society".

You tell us that the pastimes and activities we enjoy are weird because you don't personally like them.

We are normal and beautiful people, but you call us strange, scary, weird or perverted because you believe that there is only one acceptable way to be human. You have given us a tragically narrow template to stuff ourselves in, and we have refused to cut off pieces of ourselves to fit within it.

We are outcasts because you made us this way. We had a choice between fitting your mould and being ourselves, and we couldn't make ourselves live a lie. Our potential and beauty is often overlooked because you cannot see past our differences.

But society is slowly changing, and the outcasts are starting to take back their rightful place- no longer outcasts, but accepted, valuable members of society.

To everyone who has been mistreated and ostracized for being different- we are building a better world by refusing to play by their rules, by refusing to hide our beautiful diversity. Your pain is not for nothing; the world is slowly catching up. Keep on being yourselves, and seek out people who understand just how truly valuable you are.

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of filling cracks in ceramic with gold. Instead of throwing a piece of pottery away when it becomes damaged, the cracks are filled with something new. The pot becomes unique; its damage becomes a part of its history. It makes it truly one of a kind, often even more beautiful than the original version. And because it's mendable, it may long outlive other forms of pottery.

I think people are a lot like this pottery. We get broken, or a little cracked. But we hold on and keep growing, and try to become better. Our weak spots can eventually become beautiful as we learn to either overcome them or to live with them. Both options take strength and courage to implement; fighting our demons or learning to coexist with them is not easy. The resulting marks are shining scars of the many battles we've survived.

A wound that has healed will likely always bear a scar, but scars are nothing to be ashamed of. Why? Because dead people don't get scars, because the wound fucking killed them! So that scar means you survived that shit, you badass motherfucker!! And that's impressive, even if it was by the skin of your teeth. ;)

I was taking a BDSM test, and I really liked this:

It's no big deal when things I try turn out bad for me. It's part of the risk and it's a necessary part of discovering what works and what doesn't.

This pretty much sums up my attitude about BDSM play. If consent and boundaries are being properly negotiated and respected, and reasonable safety precautions are followed, then anything else that happens is a risk I take when I play. We are NOT guaranteed to always have a good time in every scene.

There's always a chance that:

• I might not enjoy myself even if the scene was fantastic. Not every scene gives us warm fuzzies, even if we do everything by the book and respect our partners. I might be tired, stressed, distracted, hormonal, my ADD might make it harder to focus on the scene sensations that day, I might not have eaten enough and I feel off, etc.

• I might discover that I don't like that kind of play or might not enjoy it with that particular partner. Heck, that kind of play might even really freak me out and give me nightmares! That's a risk I take whenever I try something new.

• I could get hurt even when we're being safe, or my body and mind might react in unpredictable ways. (Once I passed out in the middle of a scene because I'd been in a hot tub beforehand and didn't know I'd be that light-headed during play.) Accidents and unforeseen medical issues happen, even with the safest play partners.

• Past trauma or current emotional issues might trigger me unexpectedly.

• Communication is fucking hard to get right in any context, but especially in BDSM play. We're going to cross wires sometimes. Or maybe a lot. If this scares you, then maybe BDSM isn't for you. What's important is that we learn from misunderstandings and avoid those mistakes as much as possible, and constantly work to understand each partner's unique communication methods.

This is why we have safe words, and why a good Top/Dom will try to watch their partners for signs of unusual distress (though please remember that tops aren't mind readers!!) It's also why we have aftercare, and why healthy play partners talk openly about how they're feeling. Did we cross wires? Let's address it! Did I get triggered or not enjoy myself? I should be able to convey this without blaming my partner for something that isn't their fault. Tops/Doms do have a lot of responsibility, but they aren't magicians who are responsible for us always liking every single thing we try.

If I try something and really don't like it, then it's a lesson learned. Either I'll try it differently next time, or I'll try something else and see if I like that better.

If I'm inwardly freaking out mid-scene, I need to communicate this to my partner. If I know I have problems with verbalizing safe words mid-scene, I should negotiate additional signals so I can let my partner know when something unexpected is happening in my mind or body. If I don't know I have problems with verbalizing safe words, and my partner doesn't stop the scene because they didn't know I wanted it to end and I couldn't get the words out, is that their fault? Yes, I may have been traumatized, but not because they were irresponsible or trying to hurt me. My brain freezing up made me unable to effectively convey my distress about continuing with what we'd agreed. I would need to address my safe word signals before playing again. I can't expect my play partners to know something that I didn't even know, and that wasn't conveyed to them. (This is hypothetical in my case, I'm personally fine with safe words.)

If we're trying something new, we should take extra safety precautions. As a top in training I know my flogging aim currently sucks, so I don't hit very hard with those tools. There are a lot of things I won't do without experienced supervision until I know I can trust myself to remember all the safety stuff. Any subs I play with know that I'm new, and though I take extra precautions, there is always a risk that I could unintentionally harm them. Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

There are endless reasons why a good scene might not have brought me the enjoyment that I expected. Before blaming my partner, I need to make sure they actually did something wrong. In fact, I may need to reassure my partner because if it's obvious I didn't have a good time, they might blame themselves for something that wasn't even their fault. Tops/Doms are human too; they also have needs and generally want us to have a good time. When we don't, it can cause them distress. Hence why we need to communicate!

Consent violations and unsafe play are serious issues, and I am in no way diminishing the importance of addressing them. Most of you know my no-nonsense attitude towards predators and consent violations, and you may have heard my own account of encountering a predator. However, having a bad time in a scene usually isn't because our partner was a predator or negligent. Often it's because of scenarios like I listed above (which are not complete and of course there are exceptions to every situation.) Yes, we absolutely need to make sure we hold people in our community accountable- but we also need to avoid blaming our play partners for things that aren't really their fault or that we're both responsible for.

I am the embodiment of self discipline and grace. I shall go to the gym and immediately find the perfect workout routine that gives me amazing results with minimal effort. I'll sweat just enough to look sexy and motivated to the other gym attendees. I shall buy cute workout clothes, which will magically enhance my workout experience. I'll stop eating junk food and keep to my calorie count like a fitness pro!

I am personified grace! I am invincible! This machine is so great! I can do all the things! Oh that cute guy just looked my way. Better amp up the speed on this skiing machine that obviously makes me look sexy. Who wants to use 10 lb free weights when the 20 lb weights make me look so much tougher?

(A few minutes later)

Man, that's a lot of sweat on my face right now. Am I breathing really loud? I can't tell through my headphones. I hope I don't look or sound like an asphyxiating walrus. That would be really embarrassing. I think these weights are too heavy.

(A few more minutes)

My legs and arms are like jelly. Surely I must have worked off enough calories to have a six pack by tomorrow, right? Right?

I AM DYING WHY DO I DO THIS. SEXY ABS ARE NOT WORTH THE AGONY OF POST WORKOUT SORENESS.

I will make it feel better by eating pizza and cookies.

Hmm. I have muscles and I really like how my body looks. And I feel better now that I'm eating better and being more active. I guess it was worth it.

But I still hate the gym.

I saw an article on this topic on my Facebook feed, and it got me thinking about the positive ways dealing with mental illness has affected me. Don't get me wrong, mental illness sucks. A lot. But as with most things, there are two sides to every situation. There may be a lot of cons to having a mental illness (or two or three), but that doesn't mean there can't be some pro's in there too.

I'm more self aware.

Self awareness doesn't come easily for me, I've had to consciously develop it over the years. And with mental illness, I've had to focus on it even more. Although I was already used to dissecting my thoughts about things, I wasn't used to closely monitoring my emotions, mental state, and physical condition prior to (knowingly) dealing with mental illness. Now I have to, and it's a good skill to develop.

I'm learning to accept my imperfections and limitations.

Getting worked up over my imperfections and limitations doesn't make me any better. We will occasionally fail, make mistakes, and say the wrong things no matter how hard we try. We won't always be strong enough to handle things we feel we should be able to handle. And that's ok- even if depression or anxiety tells us it's not. Sometimes we have to consciously remind ourselves of the truth when mental illness is telling us something else.

While we shouldn't use this as an excuse to not try or grow, it's important to find a balance and to not hate ourselves for being human. No one is perfect.

I'm learning the balance between self-reliance and asking for help.

I used to be very dependent on others (in part because I was raised to be that way), then I found my own strength and became very independent to the point where I don't like having to rely on anyone for anything anymore. But even the most self-reliant people need help and support at times. We do need to ask for help when things get hard. Even though we may be able to tough it out on our own, sometimes we'd be much better off letting others support us instead. Even Xena Warrior Princess had to rest and let others help her when she was wounded.

I'm prioritizing self-care.

Prioritizing rest, proper nutrition, exercise, and stress reduction can be difficult for many of us. It's so easy to neglect our own needs and wants, seeing them as luxuries instead of essentials. It's especially complicated if mental illness makes us feel like we don't deserve to have our needs met. Effectively dealing with mental illness forces us to acknowledge our own needs and make sure that they're not being regularly neglected. Pushing ourselves to the breaking point may feel productive at the time, but it can backfire and set us back long term. Prevention is often the best medicine... taking care of our minds and bodies daily can often reduce how bad our mental illness symptoms are, and how often they flare up.

I've had to challenge my inner stigmas.

Mental illness is not weakness, shameful, or rare. Asking for help and seeking therapy or counseling is responsible and a sign of strength. There is nothing wrong with taking medication when we need it. Being vulnerable and emotional in safe settings can be a very good thing, it's not weakness.

I understand other people better.

I'm naturally a compassionate person even when I don't understand, but understanding makes it easier for me to support others in more effective ways. I can see past masks that I couldn't see past before, because now I wear them too. I've heard many people say that mental illness has helped them be more compassionate towards others.

It's a source of creativity.

How many songs and books and pieces of art have stemmed from mental illness? A lot. Creative circles are full of mentally messed up people. Perhaps it's because we're more in touch with ourselves than others, or because we see life differently. For some (like me!) creative outlets are like therapy. Mental illness can very often be channeled into creativity of some kind, and it doesn't have to be writing or art or music either. There are many other ways to be creative that we might not immediately think of when we think of "creative types".

I appreciate things more.

You know how you don't appreciate your clear sinuses until you get a bad cold? Mental illness can be the same. We often don't realize how good we have it until we don't anymore. Then the little things that we used to take for granted become more appreciated and meaningful.

If we have to endure mental illness anyways, we might as well make the best of it and try to look for the positive side when possible. Having these issues can help us become better people, if we handle it that way. Getting professional help and having support can help greatly.

I've seen a lot of dicks. I've fucked a lot of dicks. And while I do love to play with a nice hard-on, I'm not really interested in looking at a stranger's penis unless I'm attracted to them or it's being used to fuck someone and I get to watch (yay porn!) I'm much more interested in actually having a cock “handy” to do things with- and unless you've sufficiently earned my trust and comfort, that ain't gonna happen.

Now, there's nothing wrong with dick pics. I like it when a guy (or anyone else with a penis) is confident enough to have a photo or two of their junk among their fet photos. It's certainly not necessary, but they can be very sexy if it's someone I am interested in. Even if I'm not personally attracted to the person, I don't care if those pictures are in their photo section. It's just bodies, after all.

But I don't like it when they're a profile photo because then it's the first thing I see when a new person messages me. When a random stranger messages me with their dick pic in my face, my usual mental response is probably the exact opposite what most of these men are hoping for. Why?

Leave those shots in your photo album where I can browse for them if I find you interesting enough to want to see more. Don't make it the first thing I see when I open your message; let me look for it if I'm feeling the chemistry. Trust me, if a girl is really into you and you have a dick pic among your photos, she will look at it and probably fantasize about you fucking her with it.

Otherwise what am I fantasizing about? It's rather ridiculous how many dick pics have no body or face pics to go with them. I'm not going to fantasize about a floating penis penetrating my vagina. I have my dildo for that. At least my dildo vibrates.

What if you do have other photos of yourself and I'm just not attracted to you? That is a risk you take, but it's the same risk you take when you try to seduce someone in person- if the rest of you isn't creating the right chemistry, then what you've got in your pants is not of interest to me either.

Unless the person you're messaging is interested in sexting with strangers that they wouldn't fuck in person, you're not going to change this situation just because you're messaging them online.

A dick by itself is not very impressive for me, regardless of size. Good PIV sex requires a LOT more than just a hard cock- seductive kissing, foreplay, using your hands, trust, the right chemistry... without all that, your penis isn't any better than my dildo. A random photo of your penis tells me nothing about what you can do with it. It's what you can do with it that releases the floodgates in my panties... or makes me drier than the Sahara.

Think of the lighting, the angles, the pixel quality! If you want your dick to look good, then at least take a decent photo of it.

A cock's proper place is in my pussy, making me squeal and act like a whore while you fuck me in all the right ways. It should be shooting cum in me so it drips out while I'm lying on the bed gasping for breath after a mind blowing orgasm. THEN I will be drooling over those dick photos as I masturbate later.

If you're a random guy on fet, what I just described ain't gonna happen for you. I don't play with strangers, and talking online does not negate your stranger status. Come to events and get to know me as a friend, and if the connection is right MAYBE we can talk about your dick in my pussy. But it's not likely because I'm a very selective slut, so don't show up with expectations and then get upset if my pussy gates are not opened to you. I'm a genie in a bottle, you must rub me the right way. Throwing your dick at me does not count.

So put away your dick profile pics. You want me to want to drool over your dick? Then make me want you first. If I want you, then your cock will be like gold for me. If I don't want you, then I couldn't care less about what's in your pants because you'll never get near enough to fuck me with it.

End rant.

Note: This is not intended to be judgmental to anyone on my friends list who may choose to have a dick profile pic. This note was inspired by the many messages I get from random men online who seem to think that messaging me with their penises in my face will make me less likely to immediately delete their messages. These general concepts may or may not apply to people of other gender combinations too; this is just my rant based on my personal experiences and irritations, which in this case involves men with penises.