alaurable's Blog

We need cuddles, but then space, and then more cuddles. Sometimes at the same time.

Eating a handful of Goldfish constitutes as a meal.

We talk to ourselves or to stuffed animals.

We have to sleep enough or we get cranky and stop being functional.

We have to eat enough or we get cranky and stop being functional.

We have to have sex enough or... wait. That one doesn't work.

We can't always get words out coherently.

We can have emotional breakdowns over anything.

We have the potential to fall asleep anywhere, anytime.

We sometimes want to crawl under a giant pile of pillows and blankets. Possibly with a stuffed animal or fellow human.

Soothing nightlights and soft music becomes our go-to relaxation method.

When we're stressed or unwell, we need to treat ourselves as we would treat a little child. Go to bed on time. Eat more than a handful of Goldfish. Find yourself a cuddle buddy (stuffed animal, human, pet) and a cozy blanket. Put on the soothing nightlight and listen to relaxing music until you feel calm enough to sleep. Go bug another human until they make you food. :P

It frustrates me that women are often chided for being less trusting of men. We're told “not all men are like that! Why are you so closed off to men? Why do you ignore messages from male strangers but not female strangers? Why would you consider playing with a female you met online but not a man?”

Because countless men have proven themselves to be threatening to me, and women have not.

If someone gets bitten by a dog, no one is surprised if they are a bit more wary of other dogs afterwards. If you're bitten by multiple dogs, the fear is even more understandable. But this is what it's like to be a woman:

We grow up around dogs that like to chase us, even when we are very young. Sometimes it's just playful, but often it's scary even if they don't actually bite us because they are bigger and stronger. Then at some point we do get bit- sometimes very badly, sometimes more than once. We start to become more wary of dogs in general. We notice every time that one of them looks at us with an aggressive snarl, or follows us down the street. We hear every time they bark at us in a non-friendly way; and they do it a lot. After a while, we learn that even the nicest looking dogs can become very mean if you don't give them what they want. A year ago I was chased by a very large black dog that was aggressive and territorial. That was a first for me. I'm not generally scared of dogs, I love dogs, but after that I learned to be less trusting around dogs I don't know.

Fear grows- a fear founded in tragic reality. We start viewing most dogs with suspicion and even fear until we know for sure that they are safe. Then our friend gets a new dog and is annoyed when we are wary of him. “What's wrong with you? Not all dogs are bad! You're being paranoid and judgmental. You don't even know this dog yet. He's so nice.”

(Note: This is not meant to demean men by comparing them to dogs. It's just the best analogy I could think of that most people can relate to.)

We are judged for not trusting men, even though we have learned that so many of them cannot be trusted and we can't always tell which ones are which. We are called bitches or cunts when we refuse a man's advances, and we are also judged for being snappy and “rude” when we call out yet another man who assumes he has a right to our body, our attention, or our trust and comfort. Why do I snap at men who are pushy or act entitled? It's equal parts pent-up frustration and self-preservation. If I don't put them in their place, I have learned that they will not leave me alone. And if they comment publicly and I don't call them out publicly, then other men learn that it's ok to treat me that way too.

But when a woman says no or is blunt, she is labeled rude or a bitch. We are supposed to be sweet and accommodating to any man's desires, whether we want it or not. If we must turn him down, we are expected to do it in such a way that we don't bruise his ego. “I can't do that for you, I'm dating someone else.” Or, “I'm not playing with anyone right now, it's not just you.” Or, “You're a nice guy but I've got too much going on in my personal life right now.” While these things may often be true, sometimes they're not but we feel pressured to say them anyways. To tell a man no because we don't like him or don't trust him can result in a verbal tirade or guilt trips or, in some in-person cases, even violence. We are expected to take the blame for their desired interaction not working out so they don't have to feel personally rejected. Many men do not handle personal rejection very well, and we often bear the brunt of their displeasure.

Most good men never see the extent of what we deal with because these asshole men often don't act this way when we have male friends or partners with us. They respect other men and see us as your “property”, so they usually leave us alone when we're with you. This is why I'll wear more revealing clothing if I'm with a group of friends, but I wear leggings under my mini skirt and cover up my cleavage when I'm alone at night or in sketchier parts of town. This is not done out of modesty, but out of concern for my safety and to avoid unwanted attention.

This is also why many women will wear a fake wedding ring or say they have a boyfriend- often the easiest way to get a man to stop making unwanted advances is to say that we already “belong” to another man. They won't respect us, but they don't want to deal with another man. The man who assaulted me wouldn't stop texting me afterwards, wanting to do it again. I was too scared to tell him I didn't have a good time, he knew where I lived and I was in a very rural area alone most nights, so I felt safest telling him that I'd started dating someone and wasn't looking for casual sex anymore. But even that didn't stop him indefinitely. I blocked him and made a new OkCupid profile, but he found it a month after and assumed I was no longer dating the guy, and he texted me again. He wouldn't leave me alone until I got rude with him, and I only felt safe doing that because I was moving to Vancouver and he didn't know where I'd be living. I literally had to move to another country and change my phone number before I felt safe from him.

The men in my life also didn't see the creepy advances I received online from middle aged men when I was barely 14, or the way older guys looked at me when I was even younger. We are prey to them- and not in a fun BDSM primal play kind of way. They want to possess us whether we're willing or not, whether we're adults or children. Women learn to watch for dangerous men from a very early age.

I love men, don't get me wrong. I trust certain men very deeply. There are countless wonderful men who are unfortunately negatively impacted by the actions of other unscrupulous men. But I can't help how I've been treated, or how society currently treats women. Good men and mistreated women are both affected by this patriarchal rape culture fuckery. If you're a good man, you'll have a lot of extra hurdles to overcome when seeking a woman. It's not your fault how women are treated by other men, but please don't blame us for how we have learned to protect ourselves. As frustrating as this is for you, it's far worse for us. I don't like being mistrusting of people, but I also have to be safe. For me to trust you, I have to see that you are safe. A random fetlife message doesn't even come close to proving that you are a good guy and not a bad guy.

So random men online- unless I've posted something asking for men to contact me for something specific, don't bother messaging me. Even if you sound nice, you're probably not going to get a reply. If you want to get to know me, go to events that I also attend and get to know me casually.

1. New socks
2. Freshly laundered bedding still warm from the dryer
3. Winterfresh toothpaste
4. Opening a new jar of jelly and it's so nice and smooth and jiggly on the surface
5. Saying the word "Gazebo"
6. Stargazing
7. Otters
8. Musicals (including randomly breaking out into song)
9. Chocolate
10. Cats that purr and snuggle me

What are your favorite things?

One of the hardest parts of any relationship, platonic or romantic, is communication. Part of that involves making sure we are speaking the same language in regards to showing each other love. (And yes, there are more kinds of love than just romantic love. But that's another note for another time.) If I do something to show them love, but they don't understand me, they may not feel loved at all.

For example, my cat Muffin likes to nip my hand sometimes. I used to get really annoyed by this and I'd try to make her stop it. But then I read an article explaining how cats often do this to show love. They bite each other playfully all the time to show affection and to get attention, and she would often follow or precede the biting with head butting or purring. Now that I understand her love language better, our interactions have improved. I'm less irritated with her because I know she's just showing love the best way she knows how, and she feels loved in return because her affection isn't being rejected anymore (which must have been rather confusing and hurtful for her). People aren't much different.

There are many ways to analyze how humans show love to each other, and many methods for improving communication. This is just one of many, but it's a really good one that has improved many of my relationships in the past and it helps me a lot to remember it in my current interactions. Like many things in my life it's a concept that I learned when I was religious, but the basic principles apply very well outside of religion. (Just a heads up in case you go to their website and there's a lot of extra religious stuff there; you gotta eat the meat and spit out the bones with this one. If anyone finds a similar thing that's not religious please let me know.)

This is one of my top love languages. I need to spend time with the people I care about in order for me to feel loved, and I show love by trying to spend time with them. Quality time will mean different things to different people, and it will also depend on what kind of relationship you have with them. For me, it means not having to compete with other people (or their phones) for their attention and emotional energy while they're with me. Quality time and group social time can often overlap, but not always. If it's family or platonic friends, group stuff is great. But even then, sometimes you need alone time with them to really connect in a deeper way.

If I'm dating someone, I generally prefer to be alone with them in order to have real quality time, partly because physical touch is very important to me (see next love language). It's hard to do that if I'm mostly seeing a partner in group settings. I also like being alone with them because I can relax more around the few people I trust the most; I'm always a bit more guarded in groups, especially larger ones. Ideally, the bulk of my time with a romantic intimate partner would be one on one, and group setting stuff would be extra. That's not always possible logistically, but that's my ideal scenario.

This is my other top love language. I show love by cuddling, hugging, sex (if it's that kind of relationship), holding hands, kissing- and I receive love this way too. If someone regularly shows me physical affection and then stops or greatly reduces it without warning, it can feel very hurtful and scary for me because it feels like their affection for me has disappeared too.

This one isn't a huge deal for me, but it is for a lot of people. And this is where conflict can easily come in. One of my ex-husband's love languages was acts of service. He wanted me to clean and take initiative with stuff as acts of love, and when I failed at those things (thanks to untreated ADD and depression) he felt unloved and unappreciated. I, on the other hand, was trying to show him love through my own love languages, physical touch and quality time. I didn't understand why he felt unloved, because I thought I was showing it to him constantly. And he didn't understand why I felt unloved because he was doing acts of service for me when what I really wanted was more cuddling and hand holding. I wasn't interpreting his acts of service as love, he wasn't interpreting my physical affection and time as love, and neither of us were getting our needs met. (Eventually we did work this out, though there were other issues that were unresolvable in the end unfortunately.)

Words of affirmation will differ from person to person. It can be saying that we appreciate them, we love them, we want them in our life, they make us happy, they're a good person, they're sexy and smart, they're doing the right thing, etc. This one is important to me too, largely because of anxiety and trust issues stemming from many hurts inflicted on me by others. It takes a lot for me to trust and open up to people now, and even when I do trust them I sometimes need to hear them reaffirm how much I mean to them, or that they want me in their life. And change is often hard for me (anxiety really sucks), so if there are changes happening I often need a little extra verbal affirmation in order to feel safe and loved. If I'm dealing with anxiety or depression flareups, words of affirmation can help a lot because I'm not always open to hugs or being around people in those moments unless I'm extremely comfortable and trusting with them, and even with those people I occasionally need space.

This one isn't a big deal for me either. Don't get me wrong, I love it when someone takes the time to pick out a thoughtful gift and I would absolutely feel loved and appreciated, but I don't need gifts in order to feel loved. Some people do, though. If they don't get flowers or chocolates regularly, or if they get the wrong gift on a special occasion, it can make them feel unloved because they feel that their loved one has not been paying attention to what they really want or need. And if they take a lot of time to pick out an amazing gift and their partner just blows it off, it can be devastating because that was a deep expression of love for them.

When I was still religious, I remember hearing about the pastor's wife and her attitude towards her husband's gifts. He got her a set of dishes for Christmas, and she got very upset and put it out on the porch because it wasn't what she wanted. His gift was unacceptable to her, so she rejected it. I don't understand that. Even if I didn't particularly like a gift, the fact that someone took the time to get it for me means a lot. Material things just aren't that important to me.

***

It's pretty much impossible to go through life without needing to speak other “love languages”. Whether it's family or friends or a partner, people all show and receive love in different ways. Some people really screw with your head and show love differently than they receive it. But none of them are wrong, it's just a matter of learning how we each communicate and show affection and appreciation.

We not only need to learn to show love in ways that they can understand and accept, but we also have to learn to accept love as they show it. Like with Muffin. I can't make her change how she shows love, but I can accept her love as she offers it. Now when she nips my hand I feel warm fuzzy feelings instead of irritation. Our relationship has improved not because either of us had been doing something wrong, but because we just weren't understanding each other.

His fingers traced lightly over her misty mountains as she squirmed in her bonds on the bed. He loved to explore her crevices; her body was an exciting adventure that even the bravest of hobbits had not yet explored, and he wasn't sure he ever wanted to return home.

But what he really wanted was between her legs. The sweet scent of her moist Chamber of Secrets called to him. His wand was hard and pulsing, ready for a magical encounter that only she could give. He mental rehearsed his Leviosa pronunciation in case nervousness caused his wand to droop.

He slid a finger inside her, noting that her dripping pussy was bigger on the inside than it looked on the outside. It would be just barely large enough to accommodate his throbbing sonic screwdriver.

She squirmed in anticipation. Her arousal was driving her crazy. "Help me, Obi Won Kenobi! You're my only hope for a decent orgasm!" He chuckled and pushed his fingers deeper, pressing against her G spot and making her gasp with pleasure. But his lightsaber wouldn't be satisfied with finger play for long; her holes were begging to be filled. "I love your cock!" she moaned. "I know," he murmured, hard as carbonite.

He flipped her over so she was in a doggie position, her hands still cuffed in front of her. He pulled out a golden cock ring which was beautifully decorated in a mysterious ancient script, though strangely it was only visible when his cock was warm from intense arousal. He slid it on, then teased the edge of her hobbit hole with his hard wizard's walking stick, growling with his lustful intent as she pressed her body closer to his. "You are mine, little hobbit. Your holes are all mine." He thrust deep inside of her moist opening and her cries of pleasure soon drowned out all other thoughts.

(This is intentionally very cheesy and silly, in case you couldn't tell. 😜 Talking about naming my boobs in a random conversation got my imagination going and I wanted a good giggle.)

I used to have many conflicted feelings about how I looked. Part of me wanted to be stereotypically girly and wear a lot of pink and sparkles, while the other part of me wanted to wear baggy jeans and leather and look... Well, not feminine. I was shopping in the men's section at Fossil once years ago and was embarrassed when they thought I was shopping for a boyfriend. I used to avoid cute bows on headbands because I felt it was too stereotypically "girly" and I didn't want to fit in the box of extreme femininity that I was being pressured into by my social circles.

Because I was very insecure about looking androgynous or masculine, it caused me to also feel insecure about looking feminine. My appearance rarely felt 100% authentic, no matter what I did. I was constantly trying to stuff myself into their tiny little boxes that left no room for anything outside of their narrow worldview. But now that I'm starting to accept the rest of my gender identity, I also feel much more at home with looking feminine.

I used to hate "the box" of femininity because I saw it as a restrictive role that was expected of me. So I threw out the box altogether in exchange for glorious creative chaos, and I'm much happier now. 😄 Femininity is just one of many sides of me, not a set role that I must fill for others. I'm just me- gender details may vary. And I'm ok with that.

Feminine:

Masculine:

And my usual favourite, somewhere inbetween. And Canadian. :) 

I enjoy pain sometimes, but I don't consider myself a hard masochist.

I love sensation play. The more the better. Massages, head scratches, cuddles, being blindfolded while being tied up with rope, combining pain with pleasure... I love it. It's apparently what gets me to subspace. Pain alone doesn't seem to have the same effect, though on rare occasions I might get an endorphin high from it.

For me, pain is just another kind of sensation. It's one of many that I enjoy. But I don't like pain just for the sake of pain. I just like how different sensations make me feel. Sometimes I want to hurt and get lots of marks, or to have my tense muscles be beaten into a looser state. Other times I want the sensations to be soothing and pleasurable, especially if I'm blindfolded.

But more than anything, I like variety and the element of surprise. It makes me feel alive and excited. I like not knowing which sensation I'll feel next. Being blindfolded and having my hearing slightly muffled by a large blindfold can help me tune out distractions and focus on what my body is feeling, and that seems to help me reach subspace.

And when a power dynamic is added into this mix... (Melts into a little pile of happy goo). Even if I'm not particularly in the mood for pain, if I'm submissive with someone I want to be bent to their will. (I'm not active with this right now but I do crave it. It's an itch that needs scratching eventually.)

It's interesting how masochism can be so different from person to person. Some people seem to just want pain, pain, and more pain while for others it's just one little piece of the sensory pie. What does masochism look like for you?

This was a term I heard back in my religious days, describing a Christian who dated a non-Christian in the hopes that they could "save" the other person. These relationships rarely worked out very well, as you can imagine.

But the basic concept applies to any relationship. We can't "save" anyone, especially partners. All we can do is stand by them while they fix themselves.

There is a danger to this, though. People always rub off on each other, but it's easier to be influenced by bad behaviour and attitudes than by good behaviour and attitudes. In other words, if you have a toxic partner and a healthy partner, it's usually the toxic person that influences the other person the most.

Think of it this way. If you're standing on a chair and offer your hand to someone to help them up next to you, which is easier? Being pulled down off the chair, or pulling them up to where you are?

Getting people to change their toxic mindsets and actions is really, really hard. They have to want to change, and be ready to make the tough changes. It's much easier to be pulled down by someone who isn't good for us than to get them to not be toxic anymore.

I'm a caregiver. I want to help people. But over many years of watching dysfunctional relationships in a variety of social contexts, I've learned that unbalanced relationships with toxic people rarely end well. Healthy relationships require BOTH people to be healthy partners. Relationships aren't 50/50, but 100/100. One person cannot bear the weight of an entire relationship for very long; it will fall apart and the once healthy person may not be so healthy anymore. Both people have to give their all, and be heathy enough to successfully navigate relationship pitfalls.

And when we're talking poly this is even more crucial because now even more people are at risk from the toxic person's influence and actions. Poly is only as healthy as the group's weakest link. Choose your "links" very carefully.

(We don't have to be perfect, and of course we need to help each other grow and there will be moments when we need to carry the entire load for them when life stuff happens, but this is different than being paired with someone who is toxic.)

When someone is toxic, they need to fix themselves before they can be in a healthy relationship. If we get too close while they're still unhealthy for us, we will likely cut ourselves on their broken pieces and become a needless martyr. We may also unintentionally enable them to continue as they are, since they already "won" us and now have little motivation to change. We need to let them change on their own, and become capable of handling a healthy, mature relationship BEFORE we get closely involved with them.

Our job is to make ourselves as healthy and mature as we can as potential partners, and also to wisely choose who we get involved with so we do not hinder our own personal growth or that of our other poly partners and friends. Choose your partners wisely; they will always affect how effective your own personal growth is.

It's an inevitable part of human nature to become like those around us. It's easily noticeable for those who travel a lot; we tend to pick up on new accents and mannerisms without even realizing it. As humans we want to be accepted by other humans, so we subconsciously (or consciously) try to become more like them. This can be hilarious at times, such as when I catch myself imitating a Southern drawl with my dad's relatives in Texas.

This imitation becomes a problem when the other people are exhibiting behaviors or attitudes that are not healthy for us to emulate. Although most of us can keep ourselves “on track” despite a few distractions, we are still very susceptible to the example of those around us. This is why racism, sexism, homophobia, and other negative attitudes are still so rampant: The people who hold these views tend to create their own “social bubbles” where they mostly associate with people who make them feel justified in their current attitudes. Or, at the very least, people who will not call them out on it.

But if we want to grow, then we have to get out of our comfort zones. We must pay more attention to what influences are affecting us the most, and make changes when necessary.

If you want to be a better Dominant, surround yourself with mature, experienced Doms who will be a good influence on your abilities.

If you want to be a Submissive with healthy communication habits, surround yourself with experienced Submissives who have these traits.

If you want to be better at polyamory, seek out people who are successful at managing multiple partners and metamours. Spending time with them will rub off on your own poly groups.

If you want to grow in emotional maturity, surround yourself with people who are more mature than you are, and don't be too proud to let them lovingly point out areas that need improvement.

If you want to manage your mental health better, spend time with people who understand you and who will encourage you to develop healthy coping skills.

What often happens, though, is that we surround ourselves with people who are hindering our growth and then wonder why our lives are so chaotic and unhealthy. Instead of being influenced by people who will encourage us to better ourselves, many of us spend our time trying to win over people who do not really value us, or who don't care about bettering themselves. Instead of becoming better, we start to lose momentum in our own growth because our closest influences are telling us that it's ok to stop growing; it's ok to give in to our unhealthy habits and negative attitudes. This stifles our personal growth and makes it much harder to increase our own emotional maturity.

So how do we balance all this? Obviously no one is perfect, and limiting our circle of friends to those who are “good enough” is not exactly a healthy thought either.

I think what's important is that we are simply aware of how our closest influences are affecting us so we are not sacrificing our own growth or stability for their sake. I think it's not so much about cutting “bad people out” as “bringing good people in”. The more emotionally healthy, mature people we have in our lives, the better equipped we will be to help those who maybe can't be a good role model for us right now. These good influences can also help us recognize when we are being taken advantage of, when we're being an idiot and need to be reigned in a little, or when we are overreacting or lashing out. It's uncomfortable, but accountability from those we trust is important if we're going to become better friends, partners, lovers, Dominants, Submissives, etc.

By building a close inner circle of people that will help us grow into our best self, we can then help others grow too.

Facebook memories reminded me that I officially came out as bisexual (now pansexual) two years ago today.

I've never regretted coming out as LGBT and supporting equality, even though I've dealt with a lot of judgment and abandonment for it, and society can be a very scary place for us sometimes.

I'm so much happier now that I can just be myself, without feeling terrified that these feelings for people other than men somehow made me "broken" or "disgusting" or unworthy of being treated with respect and admiration. I used to be so scared and humiliated to even admit these feelings to myself because I thought they made me a bad person. I also had the fear of Hell when I was religious.

Trying to convince myself that I was "normal" resulted in even more anxiety and depression. Coming out of the closet, and getting involved in a community that adores and respects me just as I am, has helped me SO much.

Although I still have anxiety and depression, it's getting better every day, and I know that being able to openly be myself has been a huge part of it. So thank you to everyone who has supported me as LGBTQ, and who has supported LGBTQ equality, because you guys have helped me a lot these past couple years. I needed your support and acceptance while I was figuring myself out and healing from life traumas, and you came through for me.

I'm still quite stressed about some money stuff, but even that is getting better and my anxiety has been manageable despite it. Some days I feel almost giddy because my cheerful happy creative self is back, and I'm slowly regaining my physical strength as well.

2017 is going to be a fantastic year. I have decided. It shall be full of music, art, kinky shenanigans, geeky everything, and hopefully healthy friendships and relationships. And lots of kitty snuggles. And probably copious amounts of chocolate.