alaurable's Blog

Growth is hard. Personal development is often uncomfortable and exhausting. Becoming a better version of myself, and healing from past traumas and hurts, requires constant vigilance and self-reflection. Some days I get frustrated because I see how often I could have done better, while other days make me smile because I see how far I've come over the years, especially this past year. I've had to analyze myself so much out of necessity that I've become painfully aware of my shortcomings and weaknesses. Facing my fears has become a natural part of life for me. And it SUCKS most of the time. Most people don't really like having to face their demons and closet skeletons, after all.

But it's ok. It's good, even. This is life; this is how we grow and change for the better. The important thing is that we are constantly trying to become the best possible versions of ourselves, and to find better ways of handling what life throws at us. I would rather be painfully aware of my weak areas, but also be confident in my ability to slowly remedy them, than to pretend I'm perfect and never make progress in improving myself.

I used to fear traumas and hurtful people. I still do, but now what I fear most is not growing.

Growing is what helps me survive and find happiness again.

Growing is what makes me more capable of handling scary traumas and hurtful people.

Growing is what takes my past traumas and fears and helps to turn them into compassion for others instead of hatred.

Personal growth is the biggest, badass life weapon I've got, and I don't ever want to put it down. It becomes rather addictive after a while; it kinda feels like a superpower. : P

I've heard it said that the only person we should want to be better than is the person we were yesterday. I couldn't agree more.

I hope that 2017 is a year of unprecedented personal growth for all of us. May we all become better, happier versions of ourselves this coming year. : )

Over the past few years of observing dozens of kinds of polyamorous relationships and talking to people about what they've also observed in their circles, I've come to the conclusion that poly groups (or Relationship Anarchist groups) are only as healthy as the people in them. Unhealthy-minded people tend to be in unhealthy poly groups that are either very dysfunctional or do not last long.

What makes someone a weak poly link? I don't think it has anything to do with physical strength, self confidence, or even being free from mental or physical illness. I think that “poly weakness” comes down to a person's inability or refusal to improve their communication skills, and a lack of motivation to learn from their mistakes and change their behavior. It also involves a lack of willingness to compromise and increase their empathy for all the people involved.

Regardless of how connected metamours may or may not be to each other, polyamory is always a team effort. If one partner is wearing out the shared partner with their unhealthy relationship practices that they refuse to change, then the shared partner will not have much energy or time left to be emotionally supportive for their other partners. If one partner is influencing the shared partner to give into bad habits and stop pursuing personal growth, that will always affect the other partners. One unhealthy-minded person, even on the fringes of a poly group, can have devastating effects on the entire group if it's left unchecked.

Even the most fucked up people in the world can, and do, have wonderful healthy poly relationships. I see it all the time, and it warms my heart to see imperfect people supporting each other and growing as a group. But the thing they all seem to have in common is that they try really hard to communicate effectively, and they strive to learn and grow from each mistake. Those who don't communicate and don't learn from their mistakes tend to lose their relationship stability very quickly because poly is intense and complicated, and there's no place for intentional emotional immaturity.

Poly is hard work, and it requires focused effort from all the participants in order to keep it healthy. Things that people could get away with in monogamy can't be ignored in polyamory because poly requires such a healthy foundation and teamwork for it to function. Unhealthy relationship practices and mindsets must be dragged out of our dark corners and worked on until they are more compatible with a healthy poly situation. This is brutally uncomfortable sometimes, and I inwardly groan every time I have to face my weaknesses in communication, conflict resolution, and mental health management, but facing these weaknesses is absolutely vital to becoming a healthier poly partner.

The point is that we try, and we never stop trying. We learn and grow as a team, and that's how we thrive.

Experienced poly people, especially ones who have been doing this for a long time, what tips do you have for people looking to start their own poly groups or improve their existing ones? What pitfalls have you personally observed in poly groups? Do you agree with my thoughts or think I'm way off? Respectful dialogue is welcome. :)

Compliments that put down other women aren't the kind that I want to receive.

"You're not like other girls." Why is this a good thing? Why are other girls so unworthy of your attention?

"You're so much prettier than most other girls." Are you saying they are all ugly? Why should I respect you for that comment?

"I don't like basic girls, they're so boring and bad in bed. You're interesting." Um...

"Most girls look bad in makeup and wear too much of it, but you make it look good." Ahhh!!! No!!!

"I'm so glad you're not like other girls that dress like a (insert "prude" or "immodest worldly woman" comment here)." How a woman dresses does not determine her self-respect, morality, or ability to be good in bed.

Why do we think that putting other girls down is a good way to build up someone else? It's not, and yet people on both ends of the modesty/body exposure spectrum do it to us all the time. Either we are called prudes for covering up, or we are shamed for showing off our body when we finally overcome our body image issues enough to be proud of how we look.

All women have beauty. All women are worthy of love and respect, no matter what we wear or how pretty we are or how "basic" we are.

So if your compliments involve putting down other women to make your partner feel good, then may I suggest that perhaps there is a level of disrespect and judgment towards women in your mindset? And perhaps, just maybe, it's ok to compliment the women in your life while still acknowledging the value of other women?

I'd like to hear compliments that DON'T involve comparison. Things like:

"You look so beautiful in that dress, I just want to look at you all day."

"I love that you are just as beautiful whether you wear makeup or not."

"I'm amazed by your compassion and intelligence."

"Your commitment to personal growth is so admirable."

"You worked really hard today. Thank you."

"Damn girl, your ass is looking FINE today. I'd tap that. With your consent, of course."

"I'm so glad that our personal values and interests are compatible. Thank you for being someone I can relate to and confide in."

Do you see the difference? Instead of putting other girls down for not being like your girl, or for not being a good match for you, why not just focus on what makes her amazing to you personally?

Note: This also applies to other genders, not just women.

One of the lessons I've learned in the kink and LGBTQ communities is that not everyone here is accepting of others. In fact, some people here are just as judgmental and belittling as vanilla people often are.

While I don't expect everyone to personally understand or relate to every aspect of my life and I value diversity of opinion, there are some levels of non-acceptance that I will no longer tolerate from people who want to be actively in my life. I consider these my hard limits for relationships of any kind, even friends. These hard limits are also my personal standard for how I accept others.

I don't care if you don't also like cats or Star Wars or Disney movies, just don't imply that I'm stupid or annoying for having these interests. My methods of expressing my quirky interests may need adjustment at times, but not the interests themselves.

"Your kink is not my kink, but your kink is ok." As long as everyone involved is a consenting adult with a reasonable knowledge of what they are consenting to, there should be no judgment about it. It's cool if you're not personally into rape fantasies or kitten play, but don't put other people down for getting off on them.

You don't have to understand why calling myself genderqueer is important to me. Just accept it, and cherish me as I am. Don't put me down for it or act like it's an attack on your own gender identity (it's really, truly not!)

No one should ever be made to feel less-than for who they love. I've been put down for being bi/pansexual by other LGBTQ people who said I couldn't make up my mind about being straight or gay. I've been denied access to certain queer groups offering support for women who like women because I don't ONLY like women. Nope, not ok. My sexual orientation is just as valid as anyone else's.

While I'm always striving to improve my communication and methods of expressing my ideas, and I admit I may need educating to accurately understand what other people believe, my beliefs are precious to me and I expect the people in my life to respect me as I am.

This is probably the most important one on this list for me.

I can't help having anxiety and depression, or having lived through so many major life traumas that have made my mental illnesses worse. I didn't choose to have ADD. The only choice I had was to get counselling, start meds under my doctor's supervision, and to take personal responsibility to constantly work on these areas of my life to improve my ability to cope with them.

While I am open to respectful, caring assistance from my friends, and I will sometimes seek or accept advice from people I trust on these matters, I have been crushed and humiliated at how some people have treated my mental illnesses. Being called childish or weak for being triggered, or implying that my therapist and doctor's glowing reports are wrong and I'm still a failure at managing my mental health, is incredibly discouraging.

People who haven't lived with severe mental illness do not understand how devastating these comments and non-supportive attitudes are to the mentally ill. But even other mentally ill people do this. Some judge others for not coping like they do, or for experiencing mental illness differently.

If you don't have something kind and supportive to say about someone's mental illness, please keep your opinions to yourself. You're just causing them more pain and may actually set them back even farther in their recovery by dashing their self esteem that they've worked so hard to build up. If they're already getting treatment and you can see that they're working on themselves, be supportive! Or be quiet and let them recover at their own speed! But don't play doctor with them when they haven't asked for your help. Just offer your support when you can, put up boundaries if you need to for your own mental health, and respectfully direct them to mental health resources and professionals if they're truly falling apart on their own.

Don't be unaccepting under the guise of expressing your opinions. If your opinion says that someone else is wrong or foolish just because they are different than you, and they aren't hurting you with their differences, then I recommend this old saying:

"If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."

He sat on the ground in front of me, naked, his head bowed in submission. His hands and feet were shackled in leather cuffs, and a dog chain hung from his leather collar. His cock was dripping in anticipation of the torture yet to come.

"May I worship your feet, Mistress Laura? You have such beautiful feet."

I smiled and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look up at me. "Only if you beg for it, my little bitch. And not until I've thoroughly punished you first. Foot worship must be earned."

I pulled him up to a standing position, directing him to lean over a chair so his ass was in full view. I made him wait while I took my time selecting my instruments of torture, finally settling on a thin wooden paddle with a nasty sting.

"Are you going to be a good slut for me today?" Whack "Because I have lots of punishments lined up for you if you aren't." Whack "I can do this all day if I feel that your attitude needs more adjusting." Whack

"Mistress Laura I'll be a good slut for you. I live to please you. I want to OW! please you with my OW! pain. Please use me as OW! your OW! toy." He yelped again as I grabbed his balls and squeezed hard.

"On a scale of one to ten, how much pain was that one, my little slut?"

His legs were shaking, but he managed to squeak out an answer. "It's about a 9, Mistress Laura. I love it when you hurt me."

I giggled sadistically. "Oh good! You're going to love my next toy, then. It's extra stingy." He looked scared and excited all at once; my favorite response.

I walked over to my wall of toys and selected a silicone paddle. "This one stings like a motherfucker. Nasty little whores get the extra hurty ones. Tell me how much you want me to beat you with this." I leaned over him, brushing my corset over his bare back and letting the paddle sit on his left butt cheek. "Oh please Mistress Laura I want to try the paddle OWWW!"

I smiled maliciously. "Oh, that was delicious. Shall I hit you again?" Whack "Yes ple-OW!" Whack whack whack whack

After a few more beatings, I pulled out one of my favourite toys- a long strip of white elastic designed for sewing into waistbands. I love it because I can wrap it around almost any body part and snap it as hard as I want. It's like a huge rubber band, but much more versatile. "I think it's time for my little bitch to get some lovely red welts. Don't you agree?" He nodded as I stuffed a ball gag in his mouth. I wrapped the elastic around his thigh, holding the two ends in my left hand and snapping it hard with my right. He squirmed and yelped as I snapped it, leaving red welts in a horizontal pattern. "Had enough yet, slut?" He shook his head. I laughed and switched to his other thigh, this time focusing on the tender inner parts. His balls had been neglected too long so I gave those a few more squeezes too, causing his legs to shake and shudder again with pain.

Then I removed his gag and pulled out my other favourite toy- a slingshot and gummy candies. I instructed him to stand on the other side of the room with his hands on a piece of furniture. "Ready to be my target practice, bitch?" He nodded excitedly. "Yes Mistress Laura, I want to be your target practice so bad! Please shoot me with your slingshot!" Pulling back the slingshot with a gummy bear inside, I yelled "Fire in the hold!" I watched his butt cheek jiggle as the gummy candy hit it. It was very amusing, so I shot another one at his other cheek. "This is so much fun! I'm going to try a few more and give you some polka dots." Red spots started to appear where the gummies had hit.

Once my arm was tired out from all the beatings and target practice, I let out a big sigh of satisfaction and sat down on my chair, instructing him to kneel in front of me. I stroked his hair and smiled. "Now you may worship my feet, my little sissy bitch. You've earned it."

(This is a story based on my many real scenes with awesome bottoms. Not based on any play partners in particular.)

There's just something about shoving large toys in a big guy's ass that's so much fun. It's also fun with people of other genders too, but I particularly like doing it with cis men. I think anal training and CBT with cis men is becoming a fetish for me.

I've had countless negative experiences with cis men who have pushed or broken my boundaries, or generally made me feel uncomfortable around them. Being in a position of power over them, and doing something to them that makes them so incredibly vulnerable with me, is really fun. I call the shots; I control their pleasure or lack thereof. I still enjoy this power dynamic with people of other genders, but it's especially meaningful for me when dealing with cis men. It's like I'm regaining my confidence and learning to stand my ground against the very demographic that has caused me the most fear and self-doubt. Shoving things up their ass while squeezing their balls and calling them a sissy bitch is rather therapeutic, in a twisted maniacal way. ; )

And what could be more interesting that testing someone's limits with what they can take up their ass? Especially men that usually like to call the shots and be in control? I'll be the scientist today... you can be my guinea pig. Hehehehe.

Seriously, what's hotter than a petite femme getting to wear a massive silicone dick and mercilessly pound a tough guy's butt with it? Not much.

Doing anal play with someone who has a 'virgin' asshole is a big responsibility. I have to not only concern myself with consent and safety issues, and potential cleaning issues, but I must also make sure that I take things slow enough so they have a good time and don't get hurt in ways they don't want. I do want to push them out of their comfort zones, but only as far as they've agreed to go. Watching body language and listening for barely-audible safewords is vital, as is checking in with them after the scene to make sure they are ok with the pace and intensity that was used. Anal play is not just about the domme's power lust, as much as I enjoy that part. It's more important to ensure that the bottom (pun intended) also has a good time, and above all that their consent is respected at all times. Doing intense anal training forces me to stay on top of these things so I'm always prepared to be a safe, consent-minded play partner.

I've noticed that people (mostly men) seem to respect me more now that I present myself as a domme and not as a switch. As a switch, I would get messages from (again mostly men) latching onto that one tiny mention of my potential submission. That, to them, seemed to be an indicator of 'weakness' that they could exploit. But now that I present myself as a domme, there is no wiggle-room in there for most men to try to take advantage of me anymore. And as a domme, a bitchy reply is almost expected, so I feel more confident being blunt when they are acting inappropriately or asking me for sexual attention or discussion that I have no desire to give them. And unsolicited advice about my appearance or interests? They don't stand a chance anymore. What would be deemed rude from a submissive is expected from a domme.

But, I still crave submission. Not to random people, but with people I know and trust. It's something I don't do much of anymore, but it's always in my fantasies.

Submitting as a domme is not easy. Not only do I have to find people that I am comfortable enough to submit to, but they have to be on what I would consider equal standing with me as a dominant. I can't submit to someone if I feel that they don't know what they're doing. It's not a judgment about their abilities or lack of experience, but a matter of comfort and ability to let myself go. I know how much responsibility is involved for tops, especially when a power dynamic is involved, so giving that control away to someone else is extremely hard for me now. And even if I do trust them, I then must have the right chemistry with them as a person and with their play style.

Finding a dominant as a domme is difficult to say the least. But, I no longer feel that I need to be actively submissive to be fulfilled as a person. I will always be looking for it on some level, and I'll always fantasize about it, but I'd rather be patient and wait for the right situation than try to force a connection just to 'scratch an itch'.

In the meantime, I'll practice my skills on the other end of the dominance spectrum, and occasionally let very close friends top me. Therapy paddling is fun now and then.

I may update this if I'm able to live out some of these fantasies or when I think of more kinky shit I want to do. Enjoy.

• Be worshiped as a goddess by many subs at once, all on leashes, bowing at my feet begging for a beating. I may agree to beat one or two of them, if they beg hard enough and serve me well.

• Have a line of subs lined up for me and other dommes to fuck their asses with strap-ons.

• To have a blue and black stunt violin and bow specifically for my kink musical scenes.

• To learn to dance like Lindsey Stirling, and then do an erotic kinky violin dance in fetish-wear.

• Learn to dance, then choreograph a dance with a submissive showing kink power dynamics in a sensual, beautiful, artistic way.

• Play violin while suspended upside down in rope or dangling from silk scarves.

• I want a domme throne. A fucking massive chair with velvet and carved wood and all that fancy shit.

• To wrestle with a primal wolf and win.

• To be the consensual 'victim' of a gangbang where I'm treated as an object.

• To be brutally ravished outside up against a tree late at night in a consensual-non-consent scenario.

• Get a kink-themed tattoo.

• A Star Wars themed dungeon complete with Lightsaber floggers and a Sith domme outfit. The Darth Vader theme song would play as my majestic domme highness entered the room to begin the beating.

When does talking about somebody else cease to be necessary or helpful and become gossip?

In the kink community, vetting is an essential part of our community safety. If we don't share some relevant information with each other, that can potentially put others at risk for being harmed or manipulated. But where do we draw the line? I think there are some criteria to consider.

Would the lack of this information potentially cause harm or distress to the person you're talking to?

Are they directly involved in the situation that's being discussed? Are you directly involved?

Are they trying to ascertain someone's safety or trustworthiness, or what the person's community reputation is, and you have firsthand or other reliable knowledge that would help them make a more accurate decision?

Is the purpose of the conversation to help someone be informed about things that could directly affect them, or is the goal to unfairly discredit or belittle someone for the speaker's own personal agenda?

Is the person upset because someone else has harmed or distressed them, and they are trying to process what happened by talking to a trusted friend?

I think the answers to these questions aren't always going to be black and white, but I think they may be a good place to start. I think motive and relevance has a lot to do with what makes something gossip versus necessary communication, but it's sometimes very difficult to judge motives in others or even in ourselves.

Human communication is pretty screwed up at the best of times. Add in BDSM and LGBTQ issues, mental health complications, emotional responses, past abuse and triggers, and it gets really hard to navigate communication issues.

I think what's important is to actively try to make our communication methods as helpful and ethical as possible. But, it's important to note that we are almost certain to disagree with others on what is helpful and ethical and what is not. I think giving each other the benefit of the doubt, while also standing up for ourselves and others when needed, is important too.

I welcome respectful dialogue on this. I'm trying to improve my own communication methods and this topic is something I'd like to be better educated on. What do you think makes something unhelpful and gossip? What kind of shared information is ethical and necessary given the risks and intensity of BDSM involvement?