Cant do this

Merry new year to all and good luck 

All throughout my life I found English language to be fascinating all languages actually poetry in particular the mixing of vowels and nouns and consonants and words in the beautiful phrases and depictions in your mind that can be clearer than even the best TV you can get out of these days I suppose nothing compares to when you actually look at something and can you describe it and somebody else can see that moment through your eyes for one second so I figured I'll do some poetry 

Those looks are like ice very smooth but cold to the touch her anticipation grows she waits my heart pounds more more she submit I didn't know I had this in me but I like it admit Trust dominance caring all wrapped up into one energetic experience I'm young and sure feeling delirious calling guidance reaches me eventually as our exploring grows exponentially begging and moaning after she can barely walk and I can barely talk this began my journey I hope it may not ever pause but remember to care and how to act like a northern gentleman

Moving from the thick cascading trees Northern Minnesota down to the city fill the 10 times the amount of people I've ever been around I feel stuck sometimes how do you know what to do I was in a relationship where I push my partner away and now I'm overcompensating in my new relationship granted she's younger than me I'm not quite sure she even knew she wanted when she got involved with me it's hard to truly believe that there is another person out there a lot of us have experienced loss pain and love I never did get closure for my last relationship she seems happy though so that's good maybe some of you guys on this site have some opinions do you continue looking obviously new experiences is what everybody is about but when you move from Evergreens to concrete you just never know what's going to happen I suppose

Well I haven't been on here in awhile apologies to a few who I may have made uncomfortable but when u feel ur drowning u lash out at everything new experiences and learning about me well I will post again soon

so I have a few people who like my blogs I bet some of u have questions no names no places will be used but go on ask away I’ll answer for awhile if ? Come on here

22so a lot of u have read my posts lately and I’ve been hurt but honestly I forgot about what was important and why i was so desperate and now I feel like that was what needed to happen I was so worried about all other people problems that I completely stoped loving myself now after today I am still lonely as shit and I prob won’t get over the anxiety or the fact that I still love her but I let my goals go I changed myself and I suffered for it I’m back to me and this is what happened to get me there this morning was ok slow start to another day i just had a bad text convo with the only person who has seen my daughter that will speak to me and he had told me before that my child is not being taken care of correctly now today of all days I decide to open an envelope I had for two or three days inside it was a summons to court over three hundred dollars and it had my wife’s name instead of her sisters which I’ve gotten allot of these it’s on there but not this one just my passed wife’s and after being so hopeless and alone wondering what the fuck is wrong with me and sad because on the 22 is my fiancé’s death anniversary now exactly one year after that on nov 1 my father died and after all that the only situation that would bring me home was this situation and the date on the court summons dec 12 two days.before my daughters birthday so I have been hopeless and selfish and sad and haven’t thought of my little girl in along time because of my ex and now I ask for a sign and I get summoned to court in the only way I would be forced home from my dead ex and if she was alive she would petty bitch over 306 dollars after I was just told our child was not being treated right two days before her birthday I got these ridiculous chills and the whole room like froze but I was happy and I found some peace and this is the topper remember I mentioned my dad as well yeah I remember that today this all happened is also my father that passed away birthday blew my mind what do u think fucking nuts to me

i woke up with tears in my eyes today every day I flip on Facebook quick and the memories from these days several years ago grow better good great to instantly a swirling storm of the worst shit anyone could ever wish upon someone only problem is my beds cold I’m alone besides the cage notifications  I have no messages never really do  I try calling a few old friends like suggested and people never answer last night alone the only person in this city who I thought had my back completely turned and took off only person I call family feels like razor blades fixed tied to a blanket cage it’s freezing out so I bundle up aware of the danger but trying to survive I ignore the pain happy to feel some sense of comfort Instead of rain I fell toxic yellow cut thousands of times bleeding mellow yet I reach again for familiar sensation any sense of comfort standing ovations some sense of reason but fall is not my season ended summers of most care free days simple pleasures stress was razed simply by sunbeam rays eyes gleam in silence emotional violence but calm I stay show pain only private ways open up honestly black they take it in and reject it back it’s my issues not yours unrealistic expectations unattainable levels floors and sections hope can flash but only for a moment I try hold on to myself a one winged hornet mad at the world unable to fly for those we hold dear  we fail and forever try even through stained glass windows shattered rainbows of glass fall around me clatter anything makes me panic if it’s about you pitter patter those comforting blankets of blades rest always around me and if I was a lesser man I would continue to rage  but after so much I can only say when u lose it all can’t afford to pay this toll life placed on me everyday yet these tears roll even more these days instead of less darkness  just give me more rays something that shines brings friendship and loving ways because after so long I keep telling myself it ends the same  every time only constant is me so these issues and faults are mine so I dry my eyes of pain and whys steel myself for deceit and lies realize some have none no shoes no feet we’ve all been scum but it’s how i ramble this ones done

Being alone for so long and fighting others battles for people that never cared in the first place actions speak louder than words I just can’t take another hit cause I don’t think I will make it this time so fuck the cover yell at the sky real pain and lies post traumatic episodes I diagnose bi polar and others bro trying just to like myself but once I was a con now I’m nice grew a concence try do things right but what glitters is not gold as I fight to stand gasp and hold reaching again  a slow death but one I know 

Damn I had just finished a post now I realize that sometimes thoughts make u act wrong and think without knowing it I enter every relationship with the thought I will fight to see this person personal issues didn’t matter while love fell in my life so why would I allow that to affect how I treat or see a person and any relationship I had where I already had expectations or limits or rules it was really heavy scars stuffed emotions and a closed mind I understand being cautious and that shit gets really hard even if u don’t want to look at them I remember that the love we had even if it seemed dim to me it might have lit up the others life but my previous expectations made it impossible to me to not compare my other to someone or something else and I hurt so many people thinking I was in the right or I was a burden either extremes then I felt or remembered  when I started to really understood and say I myself say love only to people who touch my life in a way that makes me be there no matter what if they call and love lasts for me forever I ruined so much with not seeing that maybe the person I’m with yeah they don’t add up to those things perfectly no ones perfect what one person may lack in they might excel in others and I never noticed because I was to busy making a list of compromises I already had to do for them since they don’t add up so now there is resentment and distance cause I was to focused on dulling my world and dealing with my own pain and issues that as soon as it wasn’t convenient or got tough one time I already had the excuse it’s me not you but I set those rules they didn’t meet I didn’t look for them as themselves because when u do that u open up and could get hurt and another lighted heart dims with no one noticing and in a society where another one another possible is so easy to obtain or think about why would anyone fight for love anymore that’s hard that takes feelings and caring and love it’s just impossible to keep wanting to try when u feel or make people feel neglected which I did or useless and worthless wondering what she did to me and I get it it’s what I’m used to I think others posts are to me secretly from u seeking what a way to make me feel better or get closure I enjoy the connected ness of the internet but the dull shine on peoples take on love and what it means to care and try keep even one person around has made it hurt so much worse because all it was is that our light and love for each other shone bright at different times and being different people that happens it’s waiting and showing you will try and showing up day after day doesn’t count do something anything to show love exists from you to them because being alone and empty well personally I always feel cold these days I make myself hard to live with or even love but only for a bit it’s rough but love I thought I was worth waiting to pick up and keep but like a rock at the bottom of the oceans heart I feel dark and cold secrets and twisted reasoning and excuses people use for there own guilt and justification it’s all the shit I did over and over till I decided to try love again I’m not that important if I was I would have been worth the fight but I’m the only constant factor in my life and I have never had anyone friend family or romance anyone who said they love me struggle to keep me always and forever always promises be damned either pass away or just get up and walk away because why I don’t know I made it that way they say no but like I said people love and struggle happiness is paid for through tough times love and hard work it just breaks my heart that no matter what I was there would be but I wasn’t worth more than a I’m sorry I just can’t then ghost love yeah smile at ghosts of memories I don’t my heart pounds and Aches I blame me over and over again but I just pray harder for you and build my walls high alone slowly and strong because I will refuse to bend again rules like I mentioned are made in life only because someone ruined it for someone else think on it if anyone I ever said I loved wants me I’m here I apologize and just want people back in my life I don’t want anyone to ever hurt at the thought of me and figuring out I did hurts me so much worse so that’s just my thoughts they don’t matter much just ramblings of a lonely hurt kid that will get over it eventually people think because that’s how it is now that we all are like that no not true some of us are strong for everyone but hang on by a thread new rules for anyone I’m looking for you would tell me not to do that it’s not fair to this person I say I love but when u point and tell people things three fingers point back at you not only telling yourself that you should look at yourself three times to the one You point at your saying that it’s not ok for them to be hurt push people away and justify it so easy but wait isn’t that what u did what I do what happened wasn’t that it couldn’t work it’s that love is hard work tough scars and knock down drag out trails but some people like me are just so easily forgotten and thought better off I can try after so many times I’m strong so strong for others and myself mostly myself I just get tired so fucking tired 

people say get your mind right and I try I mentioned before my story is a long sad one I was actually at the store and I smiled at the gal behind the counter just being nice her coworker made a joke and says nah son she’s taken I said oh I’m good I’ve been hurt recently and I was only being nice normally people let it go but she insisted I explain call it boredom or whatever but by the time I got done telling them it was dead quiet in the entire place and every single woman and girl in that place was reliving either what was done to them or what they did to someone else now I felt like shit so I apologize for it and go to leave the girl I smiled at in the beginning looked at me grabbed my hand and she had pain in her eyes she told me don’t worry it will get easier I answered honestly and said I want to but don’t believe u she whispered I don’t believe me either and I walked away now growing up I’ve been through just a ridiculous mash up of bullshit and adventures travel and experiences but I never have people around long even when people say they are for me no one has proven different and that’s why I was hurt so i put this stuff on here but anyway I will see if people want to hear my thoughts anymore so lmk 

figuring out how to move on again after so many tries message me if any ideas