Cant do this

recently I was asked why I would post my thoughts and feeling on this site for thousands of strangers to see first well besides the fact that I feel like a freak on Facebook I tend to never be able to express myself except on here and poetry well violence in real life as well but anything that kills us makes us feel alive and meeting people who just might get my emotions and went through similar shit anyway I hurt but I learn I process I build and I never forget to be kind and loving honest and true as much as I can but I’m human and fail a lot but I put this on here because for even just a sec if anyone reading this can feel or see the world through my eyes even a glimpse then I can have hope that a future is still possible and I can be strong and gentle but still be allowed to carry out dark desires in a healthy way but is it possible or even right to move on 

being a dominant man as myself I realize that even though recently my entire life has been turned upside down my dom tendency’s still come out I try to laugh and flirt but where it used to be from the heart it now comes from this dark hollow spot a small echo from times past when I lived a life of self gratification and took from others what I now try to give and now truthfully I have lost more than many people my age have but when I was outright rejected it made me question everything I thought I knew am I in good enough shape most say so I keep clean work pay all my own bills and usually spend most of my free time doing work for various friends company’s while my dreams flounder I’m hurt yes and was alone and lost but someone on here and one other person reached out and stopped me from being very stupid I thank u both I know just as I wake up every day she forgets about me I will try memorize her like the moment we met but I’m trying to move on I’m going to be a better man lover and dom to whoever is next today and I will be even better tommorow because I still love I still hurt but I have been stronger than this and weaker we will see if friendships or loves could be fixed this blog is my only outlet the girl who broke my heart showed me this site this ability to be free and I know I need to let her go I will always be there for her but I dont know if she moved on or I’m crazy and if I am crazy I’m no idiot and enough coincidences mean something happened but again how who what now I still miss her to death but what and how and when to do what...???

that’s all

when I got to an age where I started looking around and realizing the world was actually supposed to be full of love and hope was when the life I have now began it’s a long sad story and true I’ve known only short bits of peace followed by pain and tragedy and loss but somehow I believe some of us were built to handle that certain people were meant to carry the heavy weight of many by themselves  I like art because it’s honest it truly shows everyone else an honest blink of the world through your eyes and in a world that’s so numb those few people who carry this weight everyone has them in there life they bend over backwards for people always smile and then people just forget or decide to not care or maybe had never cared that person who tried to hold so much who only wanted not even people but a single person to look at the world through there pain and say it’s ok I’m here and I still care that’s why I am like that finding others is hard and everyday is a struggle to keep trying it never gets easier especially the way we are as people we open up free ourselves through expression this life can be a piece of art or a copy of all that around u to make others happy while u give yourself up and sacrifice so much while they gain nothing but you still have moments those blinks those memories those flashes of love and even hate and pain the things that make us human those beautiful scarred people that’s life art love all of it we are all perfectly imperfect but it’s hard and lonely and sometimes the words others say have turned ash in my mouth my hands shake and all I can do is hold steady and pray one day that someone can look at me through my life and pain and say your still ok I said I wouldn’t leave and here I am cause life love the way we see the world and art and love if we put ourselves in those positions to try hold on a while longer someone might grab u and not let go but it’s hard to hope silver linings come fewer and farther between sunny days are unfortunately due to Minnesota not even a possibility cause snow sucks and that’s all people know it for but I digress it’s easy to hate but I like other people’s art and love way to much so I’ll just say a knight in shining armor has never truly had his metal tested have they

one thing that bothers me a lot probably is people telling me they see her and where and I know I’m being avoided but is it my fault am I that toxic of a human u have to change all your routes and where u stay eat go out drink I would probably go catatonic if she even saw me I wish I wasn’t educated and I wish I was smarter at the same time to me mistakes and flaws are part of us scars and lord knows we all have some need to just like in real life have to be cleaned talked about and taken care of if it’s ignored and others allow that by not wanting to tell you the truth and what u need to hear cause they love u as protectors they will think they can help but these are things we need to deal with with professionals and our partners the person u love who’s your best friend who you know will tell u the truth and be with you the whole way I have always loved more than I should even as a kid and even if I can’t stand to look at those people I will sacrifice and stay with them even when they don’t think I would or even should always care and fight enough that even though You push people away You love enough to stay no matter what and help sort through and get help for the things you and they need and deal with the frustrations of you don’t all that poison spreads slowly through u day by day and then it’s when your hurt by something or someone that if u don’t deal or fix things that pain is used to hurt even unknowingly the people that care and love for u the most I may burn bridges cause hurt people hurt people but If I even heard u call my name he’ll and high water I will be there don’t change yourself or life or fav places and routines I’m not that important I feel like I caused u so much pain and trouble I hate hearing these things from people and this feeling of regret and heartache for missing you I miss u but I won’t make u feel like u have to stay or use fear all I have is love even though I’m very hard to love sometimes I can promise I’ll be there till the end but till then I’ll wait here for awhile by myself waiting for a distant call

deep down I have never felt free like I have while exploring this with my recent partner it hurts when u feel ur not enough as a young man I’ve always been upbeat and hard working I’ve been on my own for years and done it mostly by myself and with the help of others I helped when I could I never thought I could be brought so low and feel so small several weeks ago I was one of the most confidant positive people I was happy I had a best friend who was my lover and I found that this life was amazing for me with her though I just want to know and the thing that bothers me the most is I know people say it gets easier but having struggled so long I feel I’m not built as strong as I thought I just  am sad that most everyone says it’s gonna get easier and I smile and agree but maybe some of us aren’t built like that I know many young adults my age and younger might be able to let go that easy but when the word love comes out and in the end u question everything about yourself down to the core because u never actually know if it was love or a joke or if u were ever worth anything to them u feel small like a burden confidence is replaced with insecurity’s and for some pain gets easier every day and For some who have had to deal especially alone over and over again to meet someone who opens your life and desires and reignited my hope of. Pos future won’t even talk to u look at u u weren’t even worth talking to about your feelings and actually fixing things so for anyone on here who isn’t doing these things for any of the right reasons the pain hurts and my opinion is it never goes away we just naturally numb up to survive and cope but how is it possible to move forward why try even though I know u can’t make someone love u you can’t make them stay or trust you but never forget some of us that say we love really mean it to the core and it might take awhile and even myself I get hard to love but don’t abandone anyone never leave them alone even if u hate the sight of them we make choices everyday to sacrifice for those we say we love I feel like I’m just crying. On here but truthfully I only had this blog to talk to my love never fades if I say I love u I will always try be there even if it’s been years or they did me bad or I did them it doesn’t get easier for me I just refuse to let my issues bother others because when I talk about it at all that does is make people I care about worry and I just needed to talk my heart hurts and I don’t know if or even how it’s possible to open up again but deep down i know that love was there in this thing we did and got to experience together I just wish I knew if trying again is worth it or if I was just one of those people that wasn’t meant to find happiness and if I do I mess it up eventually but sometimes hopes hard to come by difficult to see I just hope I can find some hope sometime soon

i am a young widower I lost my fiancé four years ago on the 22nd of oct it took me almost a year and a half to smile again and three years of being lonely till I connected with a beautiful girl that made me think a future was possible we were just starting out and honestly I was a shit boyfriend I flirted with others and fucked around at first we met on tinder on my birthday I soon fell absolutely in love with her she has an account on here I doubt she reads these but she had gotten me to open up and try these new things made me feel like I was wanted for who I was but because of my own issues I neglected her and when I was actually ready to commit fully the damage was already done I scared her and it hurt me so much that I feel like she hates me and now I wait everyday anxious I have anxiety attacks when I see our fav types of movies food places music and ropes collars cars that look like hers make me so nervous I puke I have never in my life been like this I  messed up and I just want her to know that I miss her and want to apologize I called over thirty females in my phone that due to my dominant self I pressured while I knew they were with others to cheat and I apologized in tears to them and there significant others I then have reset and deleted almost five hundred people from all my social media and phones plus emails I wish that I would have taken care of her more I know I could have but it seems I never learn.

good bye