It's All Relevant

 

~Slut

A person of any gender who has the courage to live life according to the radical proposition that sex is amazing and pleasure is healthy.

~Unknown

 

 

 

Relationships end. Sometimes through the willful choice of both partners, other times one may ask for or be released. In either case, the ending of a relationship is painful. In my opinion, many D/s relationships tend to function in a deeper response zone in the psyche. I have been getting numerous letters recently asking me about coping in the aftermath, both from Dominant and from submissives. What kind of aftercare should exist? What obligations continue even after the relationship has ended?

Many people seem to believe that the Dominant side of the relationship 'feels' less than the submissive side. I believe the investment in time, energy, and emotion is at least equal. Being Dominant does not exclude one from all of the emotional states and reactions found in anyone else. In addition, the Dominant tends to invest portions of their ego or view of self in the ownership and control of their submissive. A sudden release (especially if it originates from the submissive) can thrust the Dominant into feelings of self-doubt, (did they fail to meet the needs of their submissive?), embarrassment, (how will their reputation fare over this failure?), guilt, (did something I do cause this?). All of these are coupled with the normal feelings that accompany a loss.

A submissive being dismissed faces equally devastating feelings. Many tend to focus blame upon themselves when in fact the ending of the relationship may not have anything to do with anything they can control. They may feel discarded, used, reduced, and even toyed with. Coping with these feelings, which may also include personal betrayal, can be very hard. A submissive can invest everything in their belief in their Dominant. That investment may be poorly placed in some cases. Coping with all these feelings can seem insurmountable. In addition, some Dominants choose to take away all independence from their submissives, including credit, checking accounts, income, etc. A sudden release can leave such a submissive destitute (sometimes with children). It is my sincere suggestion that a submissive should consider a Dominant who plans for that submissives future to be one worthy of consideration. That Dominant cannot control the possibility of their own sudden death and should promote within their submissive (whom they cherish) a continuity of stability. This means independent credit, funds, income, insurance, medical, etc. Those that do not can be subjugating that submissive and children to a homeless state should something happen. A Dominant should not fear the loss of control of their submissive through these actions. It is a method of inspiring respect. Not the opposite.

The severance of a relationship is a loss. In many people, they experience it much like a death. In a relationship, they may invest their hopes, dreams, desires, expectations, and plans for the future. They probably have invested time, money, and effort as well. Many have made great changes to be 'with' this person and at that point, it may appear to them to have been a waste. In addition, in some ways, the D/s realm contains an inordinate amount of hope. I sometimes call this 'the promise'. When we are young, we create an image of 'the one'. That special person with whom we will find pleasure, laughter, and a shoulder to cry on. With a relationship, we invest in 'the promise'. When that 'promise' breaks, we feel cast away or discarded. These emotions and feelings flow to both sides of a relationship. It is my view that D/s require both people to invest more, trust, respect, accountability, and responsibility.

It is impossible to offer a wide range of 'absolutes' when considering how best to cope with such events. The variables among us are too great for one thing to work for everyone. However, I do believe that the person initiating the breakup should or perhaps must sit down and communicate to their partner in non-inflammatory words why or how they have reached this point. It is my belief that understanding, even when it is painful, aids in healing. It is better to know than to guess. In addition, I think it is important for both people to attempt to maintain a modicum of personal dignity, respect, and care for their ex-partner. It is not necessary for there to be hurtful words, denigration, or disrespect. This is someone you once loved or thought you loved. They may become a lifelong friend or they may move off into different paths. Closure in an adult fashion is the least hurtful to both.

Expect to feel anger, hurt, pain, depression, and sorrow in the aftermath. Expect healing to take a long time. It is important to have friends outside of your former mate to talk to and express your feelings. If your depression is very deep then you should access a competent psyche professional for therapy and help. Consider it similar to mourning a death. It will take time and effort to recover.

If you are a submissive who has asked for release. Even if this is your decision you will feel all the same emotions of loss and anguish. You may know your reasons and have considered everything thoroughly but you will still face emptiness and a hollow feeling of abandonment. As I have noted elsewhere, a submissive and a Dominant 'bond' to each other in ways beyond love or even a vanilla marriage. This bond may or may not end even when you make the 'mental' decision to leave. You may still experience the same needs and desires. You may find yourself vacillating even though you know that the relationship is not forward-moving for you or positive. A Dominant can feel these same connectors. In addition, many will feel a continued obligation to 'protect' submissives long after that submissive has moved away into other relationships. The linkage may never truly end and that is something that both sides need to be cognizant of especially if their relationship moves into one of friendship. It can be easy to slip back into familiar roles later on when other traumas occur in their lives and they look to those they care about to help them through it.

Maintaining access to old relationships is a dual consideration. It can be harmful if that access in any way disrupts or is destructive to your current relationship. It can be positive if the people involved are able to reorient their language and behavior so that it becomes neutral.

Perhaps the hardest relationships to cope with are those that are based on flawed understanding. People tend to hear what they want to hear and ignore what they do not want to hear. They can build up a new relationship into something huge when it has not earned the right to be considered that way. For some, this may be meeting someone once or twice then nothing. Contact ends or responses become short and unemotional. At that point, the person will feel that they have been used. It becomes obvious to them that 'their' perception of the nature of the relationship was very different than the person they invested in. This creates huge feelings of self-doubt in their personal judgment. These types of things cannot be completely avoided as we are not telepathic nor can we always discern lies from the truth. However, whenever possible both people should proceed slowly. There is no rush to play. If a person is real, time is a friend. If they are into 'getting their needs met', there will be intense pressure to play quickly. So, avoid that pressure. If that pressure is coming from you, examine to see if you are being honest with your partner. If you are being pressured 'to play right away, step back and see if that meets your ideas or goals. If you are into short-term casual play state it honestly. There is no shame in wanting what you want. There is shame in lying to get what you want at the expense of other people's feelings.

Mistress Steele~

 

 

 

 

 

* Greetings From Asbury Park ~ Bruce Springsteen * (Hard to Be a Saint in the City)
* Blond On Blonde ~ Bob Dylan ~ (Visions Of Johana)
* Let It Bleed ~ Rolling Stones * (Gimme Shelter)
* Wildflowers ~ Tom Petty * (Wake Up Time)
* Rubber Soul ~ The Beales ~ (If I Needed Someone)
* The Song Remains The Same (Remastered) ~ Led Zepplin ~ (The Rain Song)
* August And Everything After ~ Counting Crows * (A Murder Of One)
* Busted Stuff ~ Dave Matthews Band ~ (Captain)
* Tidal ~ Fiona Apple ~ * (The First Taste)
* Saint Of Circumstance ~ Grateful Dead (Live) 6/17/91* (Eyes Of The World)

The First Taste ~ Fiona Apple

I lie in an early bed, thinking late thoughts
Waiting for the black to replace my blue
I do not struggle in your web
Because it was my aim to get caught
But daddy longlegs, I feel that I'm finally growing weary
Of waiting to be consumed by you

Give me the first taste, let it begin heaven cannot wait
Forever
Darling, just start the chase - I'll let you win but you must
Make the endeavor

Oh, your love gives me a heart contusion
Adagio breezes fill my skin with sudden red
Your hungry flirt borders intrusion
I'm building memories on things we have not said

Full is not heavy as empty
Not nearly my love
Not nearly my love
Not nearly

Give me the first taste, let it begin heaven cannot wait
Forever
Darling, just start the chase - I'll let you win, but you must
Make the endeavor

 

 

 

 

My mind is, in my opinion, my most valuable asset. My submissive soul and the hardwired need in my core to serve and please mixed with the depths of my imagination provide endless opportunities for exploration. Most men can make a woman’s body respond and elicit orgasms, but the rare man with the insight and ability to lead and control her mind will own something much deeper

*Unknown

 

 

 

With this lifestyle having so many different styles of relationships, types of people involved, and so many different viewpoints there are numerous ways people can grow and develop their partnerships. While there is never one true way, there are some things that I feel are sometimes misunderstood or myths pushed about the lifestyle. Some of these I believe come from well-intended places, others come from places of ignorance or lack of educating oneself on the lifestyle, and a few even come from places of hate and abuse. So I want to share some of the misconceptions that are popping into my mind today.

• D/S relationships still require compromise. People should be uncompromising when it comes to finding the right person or persons for their relationship but within the relationship, there still must be compromises. A lifestyle partnership is not all about what the d-type wants and the submissive acquiescing to every whim they have. One of the biggest facepalming moments for me came in a discussion a few years back I had with a dominant who lamented that they could not develop a lasting relationship. I remember asking them what they liked to do vanilla-wise \when they were dating someone and they are all things the dominant enjoyed, so I asked them to tell me something that they discovered they enjoyed because they did something the submissive wanted. The reply, “You mean I have to do things ‘they’ want?” Facepalm, yes you dolt. Compromise is still part of a lifestyle relationship and dominants you still have two things, vanilla and kink, that your partner enjoys and wants. The more a d-type gives to their submissive, the more the s-type will crave giving to their dominant.

• Submissives have voices and in a relationship, they need to use them and dominants need to respect them. All d-types are human, which means they are going to make mistakes and bad decisions. Dominants must always listen to their submissives, especially when the submissive says I do not think this is a good idea. While a dominant leads, they need to have and respect their submissive’s thoughts, ideas, and opinions.

• Since we do not live in a lifestyle utopia, the vanilla world will touch every aspect of a D/S relationship. No matter how masterly master Matt is within the lifestyle their relationship will still need to have vanilla components and function in the everyday world. I feel one of the hardest skills to learn in the lifestyle is how to balance D/S with the vanilla bean world that surrounds all of us.

• Lifestyle relationships are still relationships which means people still have to click as people. There can be no simple checking off boxes on a BDSM checklist to decide of a prospective partner is a match. Even if people find that their lifestyle desires align perfectly, they can still come to discover they despise rather than adore each other.

• This might ‘cum’ as a surprise but kinktastic sex does not have to be part of a lifestyle partnership. So often what is expressed about the relationships and the lifestyle is kinky or ‘rough’ sex acts. The thing is many people involved in the lifestyle are asexual and there are even people who are involved who are virgins and not just nineteen or twenty-year-olds. Several people are choosing to leave sex out of their relationship equation. Additionally, some still believe in the old fashion notion of making love in addition to or coupled with kinky coitus.

• Submissives can end a relationship at any time they want and for any reason. Being committed to a dominant does not revoke a person’s right to say this relationship is not the right fit for me, it’s not you but me, or just say goodbye.

• Submissives have all the control and ‘power’ in a D/S relationship because they can leave anytime, they choose, and most importantly they can say no for any reason. When a submissive says no, that does not mean the d-type can just continue or ignore it because this lifestyle is all about consent and no is revoking that consent.

• Many dominants will bust their butts to earn the submission from someone special and that is a great thing. The problem that I have seen over and over again is that once the submissive decides to give the gift of submission, the d-type plops down in their mental easy chair and stops with the hard work. Earning the submission from an s-type is no easy work but the real work is just beginning when a submissive agrees to follow a dominant's leadership because every day the d-type must labor to continue to earn their gift of submission.

 

©TLK2020

 

 

 

 

 

The ache builds and squishy sounds fill the small space. My cheeks are hot with fear that someone in the other room will hear. They’re talking, so surely no one will notice. My clit throbs as my finger graze it on its way through my slick folds and back into my needy hole. My hips buck and a little whimper escaped. My shirt is up, my bra pulled down, my nipples hard, and puckered. My eyes close and all I can see is the image of me squirming and grinding on his lap, his breath on my neck as he praises and instructs me. A compliant, eager toy in his hands. I’m facing away from him and I writhe at his words. One of his hands reaches around and his thumb is pressed into my mouth and I suck eagerly at the privilege. The feel of his hard cock against me drives me wild. Oh, how I want it. To swallow his need. Taste it. Feel it inside my hungry cunt, pounding and greedy. I am so close to cumming. I open my eyes. My fingers smear my need around and when I lift them to look at them, a silver string stretches between them and my cunt for a moment before breaking. Taste, he’d said, and I do, sucking as if he’d offered them to me. My fingers move back to grip my hard clit between them, teasing, cunt making a small smacking noise as it clenches the air. Empty. Aching. Oh god. My knees clench together and I tremble, hips bucking in protest as I fight against going over the edge. Hands fist and I twitch with need. I want it so much. My skin prickles and the sound of my heartbeat roars in my ears. Fuck. Arousal still burns in my veins. Need. I pant quietly, slowing my breath. I close my eyes in silent gratitude, and it defies reason, it really does, and yet the only phrase that repeats in my head is thank you. For the honor of giving you, my pleasure.

~daisies-in-thedark

 

 

 

 

She feels safe and protected. Whereas some might view the bars of a cage as being confining, she sees them as a barrier constructed to keep out all of the negative and destructive influences of the world. Her cage is a cocoon in which she nestles as if in a warm blanket on a cold night.

Her needs are anticipated and taken care of. How wonderful to think of the one who possesses her as thinking ahead to all of the things she might need to make her healthy and happy…and then making sure those things are all readily available when she needs them.

She is no longer responsible for making endless decisions. As part of the outside world, she is bombarded constantly with the need to make decisions… some small and some life-altering proportions. Within the confines of her cage, she need only worry about singing her song and with that voice letting her Master know she is content to live within his power and control because she knows He thinks only of her well-being.

Being owned means also being chosen above all others. And that sense of belonging to one who really wants her is a powerful feeling not easily replaced. Having his pick of all the singing birds in the land, her Master selected her to place within His home…and His heart. She feels honored to be so chosen and sings freely to show her devotion.

Freedom is a relative term meaning different things to different people. To this bird of song, the true freedom to pursue her dreams and desires could never be found outside of her captivity…captive in a home specially prepared for her by the one who considers her His greatest possession. Her captivity by Him sets her free.

~gingerpowerserotica

 

 

 

“A woman is sexy, not because of the shape of her ass or the size of her breasts. Regardless of what she wears or doesn’t wear. It has nothing to do with the taste of her wetness or how tight she’s around you. Her appeal comes from the way she thinks and moves and acts. How she expresses her needs without shame or fear. It comes from a confidence in who she is, even if she’s battling hidden scars or perceived flaws. The outside can easily change, but the inside will always shine. Having said that, a great ass is a nice bonus.”

Copyright © Dirty Romantic

 

 

 

 

One of the things that I love about this lifestyle is the open and accepting nature of the majority of people who call the lifestyle home or have stopped by to explore as well as learn. With the lifestyle being diverse and welcoming people tend to be more open about their sexual orientation among their lifestyle peers than perhaps they are in the vanilla world, plus under the umbrella of D/S there is a plateau of roles. Recently, on my podcast, I chatted about why I think it is important that people who are newer invest time in learning before deciding on a role and this started my gears turning because there are so many different orientations and roles what do they all mean. So, I want to take a few minutes, this will be a touch long, and do my best to define many of those that come to mind.

Before I get started, there are four things I want to state upfront:

First, this is not a definitive list of orientations and roles, so please do not take it as such.

Secondly, I believe people are not the sum of the labels used to give an overview of who they are. Individuals should not be evaluated by how they identify but by who they are as a person.

Thirdly, understand that how I define things is my opinion and no more. I feel that the question of “What does this mean for you?” is a query that is especially important in the lifestyle. Never assume that how you define an orientation or role is how someone else does.

Finally, people can and do often use more than one of these identifiers.

With that out of the way, it is time to get down to business. Keeping with the saying that “sex sells”, and with this ditty is getting rolling, I will start with some of the identifiers people use to describe their sexually and with the word sex appearing near the top of this, it might entice a few readers to hang out, reading more than normal.

 

Androsexual – Is being attracted to maleness. It is important to understand that this is an attraction to masculinity, not biology. In other words, it does not require a penis to be masculine.

Asexual – This is one of the identifiers that I am seeing most commonly used and people who describe themselves this way do not become sexually attracted to others, no matter the other’s gender. Just like in D/S both D and S types are large umbrellas under which there are many different ways to self-identify there is here as well. For example, someone may identify as an asexual bisexual. It is important to not assume that an asexual person is not interested in a partnership just because they do not have an interest in sex. Also, some asexuals will use the term ‘ace’ as a self-descriptor. Because asexuality is an umbrella term, here are some of those items which are commonly found under it:

Cupiosexual – Someone who does not feel sexual attraction however they desire sex.

Libidoist Asexual – An asexual with sexual desires taken care of via masturbation.

Non-Libidosist Asexual – Has no sexual desire and/or lacks a sex drive.

Sex-Averse – Are very apathetic in sex.

Sex-Favorable – In certain situations or moods, they may feel sexual.

Sex-Indifferent – Just like it sounds, they are unconcerned about engaging in sex.

Sex-Repulsed – A cousin to sex-averse but disgusted with sex or sexual desires.

And with that unexpected and repulsive news, the asexual umbrella is put away, for now.

Autosexual – If you enjoy sex in cars. Kidding, this is someone who finds sexual attraction in themselves, and spending time self-pleasuring yourself does not make you an autosexual.

Bicurious – Someone who is interested in or has limited experience with having sex, a relationship, or both with people of different genders.

Bisexual – Just like bicurious but someone who has experience or is confident in their decision.

Closeted – I know this is not a sexual orientation nor a lifestyle role with many reading this thinking of an LBGTQIA+ person who keeps their sexuality hidden for a variety of reasons. For me, I believe that many not only in the LBGTQIA+ but in the D/S lifestyle as well are closeted. There are not many within BDSM that are open with everyone from co-workers, family, as well as friends about their lifestyle choices. So I just wanted to add this into the mix here as a little food for thought.

Demisexual – Someplace demisexuals under the umbrella of asexuality but I disagree. For me, someone who identifies this way needs to build an amazing connection with another before developing a sexual desire.

Fluid – This often means that a person’s sexuality or behaviors can and do change as time marches on or different people can bring out various desires. In my opinion, everyone is fluid with their sexuality as things change based on experience and unique people can bring out certain desires.

Gay – I do not think this is news to anyone reading this but this refers to people who are sexually and/or romantically drawn toward those with the same/similar gender.

Graysexual – This is another asexual umbrella term but just like demisexual, I think it can stand on its own. These people do have sexual desires however they are often not as strong as the average person.

Gynesexual – This is the opposite of androsexual with the attraction being to femininity and please remember that femininity does not require matching anatomy.

Heterosexual – The orientation for the closed minds of the world. The easy way to define this is the attraction to the contrasting gender, such as a male being drawn to a female. The following is an after posting edit: The comment about closed minds is due to the fact that intolerant minds sometimes spew hateful messaging about anyone who identifies as anything but heterosexual. There is, in my opinion, absolutely nothing wrong with heterosexuality, being heterosexual, or the like provided those with different orientations are respected and loved.

Homosexual – It is time to mention that this term is one that in my view needs to be deep-sixed. Many, myself included, think it is both long past its expiration date and offensive. So, if this word is still part of your lexicon, kindly remove it.

Lesbian – A person who is or identifies as a female who is attracted to the same.

Monosexual – This is an individual who is only attracted to one gender.

Omnisexual/Pansexual – Someone who is not attracted exclusively to one gender or orientation.

Polysexual – At first blush, some reading this might think this is linked to those who practice ethical nonmonogamy but it does not. This is an ‘umbrella’ term meaning a person is attracted to different genders with bisexual, omnisexual, and pansexual falling underneath it.

Pomosexual – Sorry perverts, read that again. It is pomosexual, not pornosexual. So, this is not someone attracted to porn stars. What this is are people who refuse to have their desires labeled or someone who does not feel connected with one.

Queer – When it rains, it pours and it must be a downpour because we have another of those umbrella words. This covers anyone who is not heterosexual and for some, this can be an offensive term while it is not for others. This means that queer should be used with common sense as well as courtesy. If you are unsure how someone feels about this word, do not use it or discuss it before saying it.

Questioning – Is just like it sounds, in that a person identifies this way is investigating their sexuality and or gender identification. It does not mean they are indecisive, waffling, or anything negative but I believe it to be an amazing positive because the person is in touch with who they are but they have not decided on what their fit is.

Sapiosexual – This has to be one of the ‘hot’ new descriptors that people are picking to self-identify with. It is great that many people are discovering that brains are sexy as H E Double Hockey Sticks, especially for a nerd like me but I do believe it is important to understand the rest of the sapiosexual story. The experts, those who are professional word definers, also add that a sapiosexual values brain power over sexual desires as well as set genders.

Skoliosexual – A person who desires those who have non-cis identities.

Spectrasexual – This is not someone who finds members of the fictional crime organization Spectre from the Bond films attractive but someone who finds varied identities or sexes desirable but it does not mean they find all attractive. I believe the singer Morrissey’s quote is a good fit here, ”I am attracted to humans. But, of course, not many.”

Straight – Just another way to say heterosexual.

As I said above, this is not a complete list but I have reached the end of the list of sexual orientations I am going to talk about here and now it is time to dig into labels that are used as identifiers in BDSM. Please remember this list is not the end-all and be-all, never assume things about another based on the terms they use as self-identifiers, always ask what they mean to that particular person, and people will often use multiples of these terms to describe themselves.

Ageplayer – Most commonly thought of when someone enjoys taking on a younger age than they are in real life but it can also be a person who enjoys acting older than their actual age.

Babyboy – Where one partner role plays an age-regressed male child and the other partner plays the role of Mommy or Daddy. This does not mean role-playing and having sex with one’s real-life Father or Mother but allows the ‘child’ to be freed of responsibility which can be very liberating for those involved.

Babygirl – Same as Babyboy except one partner takes the role of an age-regressed female child.

Big – A person who takes the role of an older person, often an adult during age regression play. Often the dominant partner.

Bootblack – Most always a submissive who enjoy providing the service, often to their dominant partner but not always, of cleaning and polishing their d-types boots.

Bottom – During BDSM play the person in the submissive role. For example, the bottom would be the person being spanked in a spanking scene. It can also mean someone who enjoys a submissive role during play but not being in a D/S relationship.

Brat – A submissive who takes great pleasure in pushing their dominant’s buttons, often looking forward to the accountability that will result from their playfulness. A brat does not ‘push the buttons’ of every dominant they encounter, just theirs because the brattiness is a symbol of the respect and devotion they have for their dominant.

Bull – A role in a cuckold relationship. They are the third person brought in to give pleasure to the female because the bull is often viewed as having superior sexual skills than the permanent male partner. Humiliation may or may not be part of this type of play.

Caregiver – This is becoming more used than the traditional daddy dominant and little girl/boy because it is easier to understand and it does not have a connotation that causes non-lifestyle people to think of incest. It can also mean a person who plays the role of grown-up during age regression play but is not the lifestyle mommy/daddy of the personage regressing.

Cuckold – A person, typically the husband/boyfriend role, who takes pleasure in their partner having sex with others, which is done as means for the other partner to assert control over them. This is typically the male designation.

Cuckquean – The female designation of cuckold.

Daddy – Often a dominant who prefers to lead with a more parental style rather than a traditional dominant with a more service orientated approach. Age play is often mistakenly assumed to be part of what a daddy is however this is a myth. While some do enjoy this, it is a mistake to make this assumption.

Disciplinarian – A style of dominance where the d-type creates a structure to educate their submissive on what they want and hold them accountable. Do not let the role fool you, while a disciplinarian does uphold accountability, they are not furious screamers enraged when their s-type missteps but they do believe accountability is required to help their submissive grow.

Doll – This is a submissive role where the person wishes to be objectified or perhaps altered by how they dress, makeup used, and, in some cases, surgical measures.

Dominant – A simple way to define this complex term is the person who has been given power in a relationship or scene by a submissive. Some also use this label as a person who identifies as male in this role.

Dominatrix – A female-identifying dominant who engages in BDSM play, often for financial gain.

Domme – Used by some as the female-identifying dominant.

Drag King/Queen – Often performance artists dressed as their opposite gender during a show. A secondary meaning is that a drag queen transitions at a younger age with drag helping them address their gender while a drag king is someone who revisits their gender identity because they did/are doing drag.

Evolving – What all of us are doing all the time that is changing. Within the lifestyle, people will adopt the evolving label often when a significant event(s) has them rethinking their role within BDSM or perhaps their involvement in the lifestyle.

Exhibitionist – Someone who enjoys the attention they receive for showing off their body or performing BDSM and/or sexual acts in front of an audience.

Exploring – This is in my opinion the perfect role for people who are newer to the lifestyle. Even if a person comes to the lifestyle believing a role to be ideal, by taking the exploring label I feel it helps keep one’s mind open rather than seeking preordained solutions.

Feminizer – An individual, often a d-type, who enjoys ‘making’ a submissive male do things or act in ways that a considered female.

Fetishist – A person who has a sexual fetish. So, odds are if you are reading this, you are indeed this. This also typically implies that the person is looking to enjoy/act on their fetishes but may not seek a lifestyle partnership.

Furry – People who have an interest in drawing, creating, and even dressing as animals with human characteristics. Often, it is non-sexual, however, it can also have a sexual side. This is a realm that blossomed because of the internet.

Gorean – This is a kink-related lifestyle based upon novels by John Norman. These relationships typically have what is best described as a master/slave theme and many of those involved in the Gorean lifestyle do not think of their lifestyle as being part of BDSM however some do. Because of the similarities, those who practice this lifestyle often find a kindred community with BDSM.

Handler – It is often a dominant who has learned a set of skills where they enjoy playing the role of caretaker or owner of a person who enjoys role-playing the part of a pet.

Hedonist – Within the D/S community, it is typically people who often enjoy the fetishes and kinky fuckery of D/S but do not wish to have a lifestyle partnership. They are involved in the community to explore while enjoying their pleasures.

Hotwife – A married/attached woman who enjoys adding additional males to their bedroom shenanigans with the consent and often involvement of their husband/partner.

Kajira – The role of a slave in the John Norman novels. In these books the slaves were female who essentially had two tasks, take care of the household chores and be sex slaves.

Kinkster – Another word for hedonist where people enjoy their kinky fuckery but do not want or are not ready for a D/S relationship.

Kitten – Kitten play is a role-play or part of the D/S dynamic where the dominant is not only a d-type but also the owner of their cat, which is also their submissive. In these relationships, the submissive will at times roleplay in kitten mode. Additionally, it is a generic pet name for a submissive.

Little – Typically a submissive who enjoys age regression play typically ranging in age from infant, which may include diapers, to the age of eleven or twelve.

Masochist – A person, often submissive but not always, who enjoys receiving either physical or mental pain. This torment is often sexually arousing and/or a release for them.

Master – A person, often a masculine role, who has displayed mastery of a lifestyle skill. For example, they make Indiana Jones look like a newbie with a whip. It can also be a title conferred by a community to someone who has shown great leadership and dedication to their community. Finally, if a dominant is in a relationship with someone who identifies as a slave, they may also have the title of master. Use of master is one of the biggest red flags in the online lifestyle as many takes master as their title yet they have not shown a superior lifestyle skill, lead a community, and they are unpartnered. So, a word of warning, when you ‘meet’ a master online, be extra careful.

Middle – Linked to a little, the middle is often a submissive who enjoys age regression play where their preferred age is eleven/twelve (ish) into their teen years.

Mistress – The feminine version of master and just like its masculine counterpart, often a red flag.

Mommy – A female-identifying equivalent of daddy.

Pain Slut – The masochist’s best friend forever, often a submissive but always someone that craves pain consensually inflicted upon them.

Pet – A person who enjoys role-playing as a household pet, often on the submissive side of life. Just like a kitten and also the same as above, a generic pet name for a submissive.

Pony – Just as some enjoy playing the role of pets and other animals, there are those, once again often submissive who enjoy playing the part of a pony with the d-type taking the role of owner, horse trainer, or jockey depending on how the dynamic works for those involved.

Primal - People today will often tell you that they can be coarse or perhaps unfiltered is a better wording and, in the lifestyle, there is a place for these folks and this is the primal role. A d-type who calls themselves primal would typically mean that at times they are without filter or animalistic. Immediately, I believe that most will associate roughness or hardness with primal but I have learned that it can also be softer and surprisingly loving. Those unfiltered feelings can indeed be rough but they can also attach to animalistic expressions of love and affection.

Primal Predator – Traditionally a dominant who also identifies as primal.

Primal Prey – The submissive flip side to a primal predator.

Princess – This can be a pet name for a submissive and it can also be a style of submission. The princess submissive wants to be cherished and pampered in exchange for the gift of their submission. There is nothing wrong with pampering and cherishing, but d-types beware, some princesses are not princesses but those with pay-to-play schemes.

ProDom – A dominant, often male, who charges for their services.

ProDomme – A dominant, often female, who charges for their services.

Pup – The world has gone to the dogs and just as there is kitten play, pup play is the doggy style of this play. Since I did just make a sexual reference, I should note, often role play in the lifestyle that is animal-centric is not sexual.

Rigger/Rope Top – A person, usually but not always a d-type who enjoys tying up others with rope.

Rope Bottom/Bunny – Often although not written in stone, a submissive who enjoys being tied up with rope. The phrase rope bunny is often used although it is not a gender-specific one but rope bottom has become more popular as a replacement for the bunny.

Sadist/sadomasochist – A person, often dominant, who becomes sexually aroused through giving pain. Most people assume it is a physical pain but some enjoy mental torments more than physical ones.

Sensualist – A person who enjoys lifestyle activities but often in a softer, more carnal way.

Sissy – A submissive, who is male-identifying, during play takes on a feminine role, manners, and dress.

Slave – This is a submissive who has made the decision, willfully, to surrender their power to their dominant, thus making the d-type a master/mistress. While I understand the differences between slavery in the lifestyle and human trafficking, I wish as a lifestyle we could find another name for this role. If only I was king of kink for the day.

Slut – Traditionally this word, I am sure everyone is aware, was a derogatory one but thankfully within the lifestyle and related communities it can be a liberating role. It is a freeing word, mostly in lifestyle, because here a ‘slut’ chooses their relationship(s) as well as erotic pursuits based upon what works for them rather than what society expects.

Spankee – No, not your favorite Little Rascal but a person who enjoys being spanked. Typically, this is a submissive role but as always, not always. Plus, some enjoy being spanked but that is the extent of their lifestyle desires.

Spanker – The opposite of spankee and still not a member of Our Gang but mostly but not always a d-type role where the person enjoys inflicting spankings. A spanker can be fully involved in D/S or just like the spankee, there for a little whoop-ass and nothing more.

Spanko – A person who likes to spank or be spanked.

Stag – A male who enjoys/encourages their partner to have sex with other men but unlike a cuckold, there is no humiliation or submissive games involved.

Submissive – A person who chooses to willingly give up a certain amount of control to their dominant partner.

Swinger – An individual or partnership that ethically engages in as well as enjoys recreational sex.

Switch – Someone who can take the dominant or submissive role in lifestyle play or a relationship.

Top – This can be another word for a dominant, someone who enjoys the role of dominant during play, or a playmate that is a d-type but not the submissive’s dominant.

Toy – This can be any marital aid you enjoy playtime with but in BDSM, the toy also references a submissive who enjoys being their dominant’s toy. This can include sexual or non-erotic ‘games’ but in this role the s-types consent to being played with however their d-type wishes.

Undecided – Goes along with exploring and is a great label for someone newer to the lifestyle to self-identify with. Instead of wondering if you are dominant, switch, or submissive, simply focus on learning and growing. When you have invested in education and you are prepared, deciding the role that fits will be a natural progression.

Vanilla – Simply put, anything not lifestyle or perhaps kinky. One of my favorite corruptions of this term is my use of vanilla bean to describe friends who are kink-friendly or accepting but they are never going to be onboard for exploring the lifestyle.

Vixen – The partner to a stag who enjoys having sex with others while their stag watches, joins, or encourages.

Voyeur – The flipside of an exhibitionist, a person who enjoys watching people engage in lifestyle play, bow-chicka-wow-wow, or both. One of the glorious things about the internet is that everyone can be a voyeur and/or an exhibitionist.

 

I know this was a long read but I hope that there might be a few nuggets in there for both the less experienced as well as some of the more experienced. I will conclude with my reminders that the thoughts/definitions are mine alone which means none are the perfect answer since I am imperfect, always ask someone what a term or role means to them because one of the great things about BDSM is that the lifestyle is very individualistic so people can often have varying views, never make assumptions about others based upon the labels they self-identify with because people are so much more than the sum of labels, and very often multiple labels only begin to describe amazing people here in the lifestyle, so making connections is so much more than reading a label like at the grocery store.

©TLK2022