4 years ago. Tuesday, November 16, 2021 at 6:10 AM
Someone asked me to describe love, and all I could think about was the way his lips curled into a smile when I said something childish. she asked me to tell her what love felt like, and all I could think about was his arms around me, holding me tight, making sure I didn’t fall apart. she asked me what being in love was like, and all I could think about was sitting in the car listening to him sing and coming to the conclusion that I wanted to hear his voice for the rest of my life. she asked me what love was, and I told her that it was the way your heart yearns for a person, the way your body jumps at the mere thought of the person, the way your eyes shine as you see the person walking towards you. I told her that love is the most addictive drug there is, but that the high is worth it.
"It's strange how your childhood sort of feels like forever. Then suddenly you're sixteen and the world becomes an hourglass and you're watching the sand pile up at the wrong end. And you're thinking of how when you were just a kid, your heartbeat was like a kick drum at a rock show, and now it's just a time bomb ticking out. And it's sad. And you want to forget about dying. But mostly you just want to forget about saying goodbye."
In every new relationship, at some point, the topic of limits will be discussed. What are your limits?
Everybody has limits, in fact. It could be for health reasons, phobias, fear, safety, triggers, or any other reason which is unappealing or disliked. If it is unacceptable, unappealing, and unwanted it will be a limit. There will come a point in a relationship when something will become a limit. Think about this hypothetical scenario; a Dom suddenly decides he wants to see his sub-gang banged by a bar full of guys. Is that perfectly acceptable for him to do this without her consent? With no discussion or thought to her safety and wellbeing? What about her morals and ethics? Still okay with this scenario? She claims she has no limits, right?
For those who are uncertain or confused by what limits are, they are two main types - Hard and soft limits. A soft limit is something that may not be what you think you want at this time, but are willing to try in the right circumstance or with a particular Dominant. Or you would be willing for your Dom to persuade you in a scene if the conditions were suitable. A hard limit is something that should never be done under any circumstance. The line in the sand is never to be crossed. As the relationship develops and a greater amount of trust is established, limits may very well change. What was once a hard limit may become something that is now pleasurable and part of a scene or may become a soft limit. Likewise, a soft limit may become a hard limit. In time, your risk levels will expand. For this reason, limits should be discussed from time to time to establish these new boundaries.
To establish limits and discover what your limits are, discuss what appeals to you and what you find unappealing. Whether or not you like or dislike an activity is a matter of personal choice, taste, and experience. For the new submissive, it’s important to look inside yourself and discover what your boundaries and limits are before searching for a partner. This could be absolutely anything you do not like, want, find appealing or whatever. Maybe you hate your feet being touched? Maybe being enclosed in a tight space because you suffer from claustrophobia? There are also the unwritten or obvious limits that need no written contract, which is anything illegal, animals, minors, etc. which are far outside the ‘moral’ code of human behavior and a D/s relationship. Basically, anything that is of no interest to either partner will be outside their boundaries and will not come into the dynamic and become absolutes.
Pre-arranged limits are different from personal limits. These are mutually agreed upon by both partners before a D/s relationship is entered into. These could include; no third parties allowed into the relationship, the maximum number of people allowed to join a scene, etc. These lines are never to be crossed without a prior discussion at the very least.
Limits are also used to help determine compatibility when searching for a partner. A little may search for a Daddy Dom, but if the DD has a hard limit RE ageplay and that’s your kink… or maybe you don’t like pain and your new Dom has a limit that insists on sadism towards the sub. Again, communication is the way forward.
Limits can also be positive with regards to D/s. For example, a submissive may only enter into a scene (or relationship) with the strict instruction that a lot of spanking is to be included or she is not willing to participate (or enter into a relationship).
In a long-term, well-established D/s relationship there very well may be ‘no limits’ because both partners have established enough trust within the relationship and stay within the boundaries of their dynamic. To them, they play safe, safe, and consensually and never step outside of their comfort zone. They know what is and is not acceptable. They know their own kink is in sync and want the same experiences. There is a level of trust that exists between the two partners that they can say ‘we have no limits’ because every part of their relationship is tried and tested, they are in tune and they know each other extremely well. There is no ‘outside the box to their dynamic, everything remains within the confines of what has already been established. Technically, they both have limits. It’s just that they are so in sync together it just ‘appears’ that they have none.
Never say you do not have any limits. Would you like to be suffocated? Tortured? Sleep naked outside? Maybe have your Doms name tattooed on your forehead? Or branded? Now or somewhere in time, there will be something that you do not want or like or do not want to do. Know your limits and express them to your partner.
For the benefit of the reader. This article was written with the BDSM mantra of SSC, safe, sane, and consensual in mind. It is for information purposes only. Take from this what you will. This is also gendered universal.
4 years ago. Wednesday, November 10, 2021 at 6:04 AM
“But I’m warning you, I’m kind of a brat.” “No, you’re not. You’re just a girl who hasn’t had firm boundaries and desperately needs them.”
This was quite some time ago, in my baby sub days. I had been kind of bratty in past relationships, but this Dom was not one to tolerate it. I worried he wouldn’t like me. But it turns out that he was right about me. I had always been bratty because I had a deep need for a structure that had never been met. I was bratty because I was clawing for boundaries that weren’t there. I teased because it felt like the only way to be thrown down and ravaged. I intentionally broke rules because it felt like the only way I’d feel that tight control closing in on me. I wasn’t a brat; I was a submissive who craved deep and unrelenting dominance. Ownership.
Now that I understand what I need, I can mostly quell those bratty impulses. When I need to feel my Dominant’s control, I say so in a metatalk. I ask how I can serve. I ask permission for things (and sometimes hope for a “no”). I give my Dominant opportunities to lead. I find ways to feel those firm boundaries within my role, rather than stepping out of it.
But part of me thinks there is still value in brattiness—not in outright disobedience, but maybe in close calls. You approach the electrified fence. You hear the hum. You use something to test it. Maybe you get a quick zap, just to know it’s there and working. But you don’t barrel through the fence. Gently testing the boundaries can be a comforting reminder that they are there and strong. You are submitting to something, not just making it up in your head. A little brattiness can also signal confidence in the dynamic. It’s only when you know the leash is there that you can tug on it a little.
That’s the key—a little. There’s a rush of connection from being put back in your place, but it wears off. And then you’re left in a worse place than when you started. It can be tempting to push the boundaries, especially when you desperately need to feel them. But brattiness is not giving your Dominant opportunities to lead. You cannot disobey your way to firm boundaries and deep ownership. Playfulness is one thing, but intentional disobedience is toxic to the dynamic. Instead, you lean in. You ask permission. You have open, honest conversations about what you need and what is missing. Brattiness may make a spark, but it’s rarely enough to build a fire.
It has taken me some time to figure it out. But no, I’m not a brat. I like to say that I’m a good girl…96.2% of the time.
I'm so tired of playing Playing with this bow and arrow Gonna give my heart away Leave it to the other girls to play For I've been a temptress too long
Just...
Give me a reason to love you Give me a reason to be a woman I just wanna be a woman
From this time, unchained We're all looking at a different picture Through this new frame of mind A thousand flowers could bloom Move over and give us some room
Give me a reason to love you Give me a reason to be a woman I just wanna be a woman
So don't you stop being a man Just take a little look from outside when you can Sow a little tenderness No matter if you cry
Give me a reason to love you Give me a reason to be a woman I just wanna be a woman It's all I wanna be is all woman
For this is the beginning of forever and ever
It's time to move over It's all I wanna be
I'm so tired of playing Playing with this bow and arrow Gonna give my heart away Leave it to the other girls to play For I've been a temptress too long
* Here Comes Your Man ~ The Pixies ~DooLittle * Superstar ~ Sonic Youth~ If I Were A Carpenter * New Speedway Boogie ~Courtney Barnette ~Day Of The Dead * Peace On Earth~ U2 ~All The You Can't Leave Behind * Not The Same ~ Dinosaur Jr.~Where Ya Been? * Prove My Love ~Violent Femmes ~ Violent Femmes * Common People ~ Pulp ~ Now That's What I Call Music! * Who Loves The Sun ~ The Velvet Underground ~Loaded * Effigy ~ Natalie Merchant ~ Ophelia * Doesn't Remind Me ~ Audioslave ~Devil Without A Cause
~New Speedway Boogie ~Courtney Barnette
Please don't dominate the rap, Jack If you've got nothing new to say If you please, don't back up the track This train's got to run today
I spent a little time on the mountain Spent a little time on the hill Heard some say, "better run away" Others say, "better stand still"
Now I don't know, but I been told It's hard to run with the weight of gold Other hand I have heard it said It's just as hard with the weight of lead
Who can deny? Who can deny? It's not just a change in style One step done and another begun And I wonder how many miles?
I spent a little time on the mountain Spent a little time on the hill Things went down we don't understand But I think in time we will
Now I don't know, but I was told In the heat of the sun a man died of cold Keep on coming or stand and wait With the sun so dark and the hour so late
You can overlook the lack, Jack Of any other highway to ride It's got no signs or dividing lines And very few rules to guide
I spent a little time on the mountain I spent a little time on the hill I saw things getting out of hand I guess they always will
Now I don't know, but I been told If the horse don't pull you got to carry the load I don't know whose back's that strong Maybe find out before too long
One way or another, one way or another One way or another, this darkness got to give One way or another, one way or another One way or another, this darkness got to give One way or another, one way or another One way or another, this darkness got to give
To have a loving look, look for the good side of people.
To look skinny, share your food with the hungry.
To have beautiful hair, let a child cross it with his own fingers once a day.
To have a beautiful poise, walk knowing you're never alone because those who love and loved you accompany you.
People, even more than objects, need to be fixed, spoiled, awakened, wanted, and saved: never give up on anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a hand, you'll find them at the end of both your arms. When you become old, you will discover that you have two hands, one to help yourself, the second to help others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, in her face, or in her way of fixing her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes because that is the door open to her heart, the source of her love.
The beauty of a woman doesn't lie in her makeup, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the tenderness that gives love, the passion that it expresses.
