It's All Relevant

I ask you, what’s more, important than true connection? With it, we have the ability to cultivate a life with weight and girth. A beautifully robust life. Foster healthy relationships built upon trust, respect, kindness, and honesty, but only when we allow the most vulnerable selves to be seen. Open ourselves completely to the energy of another and give and receive without judgment. Trust and feel safe. Connection can be that which gets you through the rough patches, the difficult conversations, and lift you up on days you feel less than yourself. Connection strengthens us. It makes us feel valued. Heard. Connection can also heal. Remind us we aren’t alone; there is nothing more powerful than when someone hears the song inside you.

“When we know ourselves to be connected to all others, acting compassionately is simply the natural thing to do.”

It is a modern irony that we live in a society that has so many ways to connect, so many ways to reach out, and yet we rarely put forth the effort to build connections. We talk, post, blog, and say nothing. Unfortunately, we’ve become increasingly more insular and cut off. Cyber recluses. Connections take effort. They take time. Connections are investments and need to be nurtured.

“Real relationships are the product of time spent, which is why so many of us have so few of them.”

Many things, you’ll discover in time, can be short-lived. Physical attraction, money and success, and the boxes and boxes of stuff we buy to fill our misunderstood needs. Connection can transcend all that. If you find someone that gets you; listens to your heart, your fears, your everything. Someone you can drop your armor with. Be you with. Sees your worth. Someone who shares with you a mental and even spiritual connection. Someone who stirs your soul and inspires you. That is when you will see the greatness of connection. That is when you’ll know true intimacy.

~daily-esprit-descalier

“You’re not really all that submissive.”

This came from a man who messaged me, intrigued by my submissive heart. He said I was clearly a natural submissive—someone who needed it to the core of my being. So far so good… But then he said he appreciated a woman who knows her place. And seriously, fuck that. I felt compelled to correct him. I responded that I am not a woman who knows her place; I am a woman who is seeking to create a place at the feet of a person who has earned it. Then I wished him luck in his search for someone. He was stunned that I would stop talking to him over “something small” like the way he phrased a sentence. He called me rigid, and he challenged my identity. Not really all that submissive.

But the thing is, dating as a submissive is fundamentally different from dating vanilla. There’s a weird duality that submissives must balance. Single submissives must look for someone they want to follow while also maintaining strong boundaries. It’s hard to hold back when you are a person who yearns to please others. But they have to be someone who deserves it—someone who has proven they are worthy of devoted submission. So when I’m dating, I have to hold back. I don’t give up control to anyone until I am overwhelmed by the need to submit. It’s only then that I know I’ve found someone worth following—someone who has inspired me to kneel.

That doesn’t happen often. I am looking for a very specific thing—a long-term relationship with ownership and power exchange at the core, woven into everything we do. I’m looking to build a life with someone. I’m looking for a person to be my person—to sleep by my side, to live an everyday kind of love. That is not an easy thing to find under normal circumstances. With the added layer of D/s, I know I may be searching for a long time.

And yet, I would rather be alone than compromise. It’s because I know the inevitable pain of compromise. I have left a man I loved deeply because he was incapable of D/s. I have been devastated by the loss of a Dom who knew he could never be the everyday love I needed. I don’t regret those relationships, but I’m also not eager to repeat that pain. No, I will not date you if you are married and/or polyamorous with a primary partner. I will not date you if you want a vanilla relationship plus bedroom kink. I will not date you if you are long-distance. I know those roads. They almost never lead where I want to go.

I have been called uncompromising—and as a result, unsubmissive. But I’m uncompromising precisely because I am so deeply submissive. When I give, I give my whole self. I take down all my walls, and I put my Owner’s needs first. I see ownership as all-encompassing and nearly limitless. There is no part of me that my Owner shouldn’t know or see or touch. To build that kind of bond, I have to be careful who I choose as a partner. I can’t compromise what I know I need. If I do, I will never have it.

I can’t give my submission to just anyone. I have to give it to someone who needs the bond of ownership as much as I do. I have to give it to someone who shares my dreams and my vision for the future so that when I let them lead, I can follow with my whole heart. So yes, I am uncompromising—right up until the moment when I give everything. And I will settle for nothing less.

~Author Unknown

* 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover ~ Paul Simon ~ Still Crazy After All These Years
* My Sweet Lord ~ George Harrison ~ All Things Must Change
* You Can't Wrap Your Arms Around A Memory~ Johnny Thunders ~ So Alone
* Fade To Black ~ Metalica ~ Live At Nimes
* Jane Says ~ Janes Addiction ~ Guitar Center
*.Gallows Pole -~Page and Plant~Unledded
* Don't Speak ~ No Doubt~ Shoreline Amphitheater
* Every Rose Has Its Thorn - Poison~ Open Up and Say... Ahh!
* Angie - Rolling Stones ~ Goats Head Soup
* My Hero~ Dave Grohl ~ Howard Stern Show in 1999
* Don't Look Back In Anger~Noel Gallagher on the Howard Stern Show in 1997
* Motherland~ Natalie Merchant ~ NPR Small Desk Concerts

"Jane Says"

Jane says
I'm done with Sergio
He treats me like a rag-doll

She hides
The television
Says I don't owe him nothing,
But if he come back again
Tell him, wait right here for me

Or
Try again tomorrow
I'm gonna kick tomorrow
I'm gonna kick tomorrow

Jane says
Have you seen my wig around?
I feel naked without it
She knows
They all want her to go
But that's O.K. man
She don't like them anyway

Jane says
I'm going away to Spain
When I get my money saved
I'm gonna start tomorrow
I'm gonna kick tomorrow
I'm gonna kick tomorrow

She get mad
and she start to cry
She take a swing man
She can't hit
She don't mean no harm
She just don't know (Don't know, don't know)
What else to do about it

Jane goes
To the store at 8:00
She walks up on St. Andrew's
She waits
And gets her dinner there
She pulls her dinner
From her pocket

Jane says
I ain't never been in love
I don't know what it is
She only knows if someone wants her
I wonder if they want me
I only know they want me

She gets mad
And she starts to cry
She takes a swing man
She can't hit!
She don't mean no harm
She just don't know (Don't know, don't know)
What else to do about it

Jane says
Jane says

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”

― Anaïs Nin

“She’s the kind of girl That misbehaves… And she knows it. Struggles with it. Bathes and even taunts you with it. But she’s strong and independent. And sharp-witted along with it. But don’t think for a minute that she doesn’t want to be taken, possessed, and, put in her place. To be backed up against that wall. Choked and kissed above all. Pinned by your ard/or squealing her thrill. Submitting and bending to your will. She will fuss and fight, on dark days with all her might. But she just wants your overpowering affection. So fist her hair and spank her right. Discipline her late into the night. Her longing to be obedient isn’t just a want… She longs to be put in her place after a taunt. A bondage bunny that you flaunt. Deserving those spanks on her greedy lil cunt. A complex girl of contradiction isn’t for the faint of heart. She needs a man of conviction, one that can appreciate every paradoxical part. So deliver her into loving subjugation, even though it's no walk in the park”

— Original writing © ThePoeticSir 2016

(Written from M/Dom f/sub pov… YMMV(your mileage may vary…)
I chose to simplify much of this and I know there will be pitchforks raised, but I wrote it mostly for the people that are trying to learn and are continuously cockblocked by their own missteps.

All flavors of the right side of the slash are people. People with memories, experiences, desires, goals, and standards. There are many more common traits, but for the sake of this lesson, we will just address those in sets. Coincidentally, each set sort of builds on the last, and I will shed light on that as well…

Part 1: Who she is…

As humans being, we are the summary of our past. So, you really should make an effort to know what she has experienced up to this point, but remember that each experience she relates to you was from a time when you were not in her life, so she will be telling you what she did with other people if you start getting upset about this, or already know all you need to know about her just from reading her fetish list, jump immediately to Part 3. (go ahead, go!) Those of you still reading, smart lads. You want to know about the people in her life before… learn what they did right (ride their successes) learn what they did wrong… (she is not with them anymore… don’t repeat their mistakes). Listen (or read between the lines) for what happened, why they liked or disliked it, and how it made them feel… the “who” is not important unless there was abuse involved… “When will we” is never a question to ask… “are we there yet?” is not cute in a Dom. Take the time to know her past, at the pace SHE is willing to share, learn her issues and her triggers, memorize the path. Because at some point you will be moving on instinct, and missteps can not only end a scene early, they can also destroy trust. (potentially ending relationships)

Part 2: What she wants…

Some people jump to the assumption that a /sub only wants to please their D/… if that is you… Congratulations! jump to Part 3 (it’s just down there… Below a few words you won’t remember anyhow). Again, those still reading… Good for you! Your knuckles don’t drag. Desires and Goals are not something I can speak of with total accuracy simply because every sub is a different person. Their desires are equally diverse. Yes, there are some generalizations. Yes, there are levels of depth. YES, there are layers… like an onion.. or Parfait… (bonus points for getting the reference) But the important thing is that YOU take the time to get that knowledge. It matters to her that you have her desires in mind. Desires are right now… present tense. But, Goals… Goals are another beast entirely, goals are the future. Goals are what relationships are built on, or not… this is why it’s important to find out… Is she wanting LTR?, permanence?, Family?, Marriage?, A farm in Nebraska with well-trained ponies and dogs? (good luck getting that image out of your head now) The important thing is to know how compatible your mutual goals are and make sure you are on the same page… is this just a “…thing” or is it a “Thing” or is it a “THING!!!” Be on the same page or you will look like an ass.

Part 3: What she will accept…

What she will accept is based on her Standards:

Her sense of self-worth,
How she feels her needs and desires will be met,
how what you offer compares to what she wants,
all play a huge part in this.

If you jumped directly from Part 1, the only standard that will matter is her self-worth, if you don’t care enough to even know her history, she knows it, and she may still be willing to do the crapshoot and just hope it will be different this time… (…the last 6 must have been bad luck)

If you jumped from Part 2, she will recognize you as a player… some skills and some decent potential for fun, her knowing that you at least have some of what makes her tick. you care enough to know your way around her body and/or problems.. but you are not a candidate for anything deep.

And Last, you read everything, you asked all the questions, got all the answers…

…or did you?

then reality kicks in… (interlude)

This is not me telling you a magic kinky formulae… I just described the VANILLA courtship ritual. If you have followed what I laid out 9/10 times you would have realized partway through Part 1 OR 2, that the of you may not be right for each other… and depending on the mutual goals in Part 2 it may not matter… But If you are half the leader you claim to be, YOU should be pointing out where the problems are, what the issue is, and don’t be a douche and gloss them over just to get your kink on.

Part 3b: …back to standards.

Let's be realistic, we all have different tastes, interests, and motivations. A sub will choose a mate that fits what she feels she wants to be coupled with what she feels she deserves. If you have taken the time… scratch that… if you invested the time to get to know her to a level where you are almost finishing each other's thoughts… then a wonderful thing has happened, you have captured her mind. That is the best possible scenario. I wish the of you much kinky-fuckery and please invite me to the wedding.

Always remember. Until she chooses you and lets you into her heart, mind, and soul… you are a visitor in her life. If you assume authority over her or treat her with disrespect. You look foolish and you will not be invited to stay.…

Grymjahk~

Sifting through all the words, trying to find the place I went wrong. Tricky bastards, words. Stack and string them as gifts. Lace them with poison and they become weapons. I sat picking through the spillage and realized how exposed I was, seeing just how quickly you stripped me. It had been so long since I had allowed anyone close enough to see past my smiles, that I didn’t recognize what was happening. Until you were gone again. The soul-deep loneliness that had been eased by you, was choking me, twisting me inside. You asked me for the words and I gave you all of them. Word by word, creating the stories that gave you the key to me. I dumped all of the words, useless and broken into a box. The lock snapped with a click and the box was shoved back into place.  Words that can hold such power, are sometimes the most useless things of all….

~Wandersoften

So, I was having an exchange with someone the other day, and we got into a conversation about our "Top Five." For me, this is a very hard challenge.  I am a music junkie and mainline it every day. I'm always listening to new stuff, but I have the comfort albums that I always go back to. I would really be interested in seeing what people are listening to. So with no further ado. Here are my Top Five Albums I'd take with me to a deserted island. In no particular order.

* Bob Dylan ~Blood On The Tracks

* Led Zepplin ~Houses Of The Holy (Remastered)

* Fiona Apple ~ Tidal

* Tom Petty ~ Wildflowers

* Singles Soundtrack ~ Various Artists

They are my comfort albums. My goto's when I'm sad (mostly) or happy.

*The Photo Is One I Took Of A Beautiful Sunrise.

I adore the internet. It’s a way to connect effortlessly with people who share a part of my life so few know about. I’ve been able to learn and explore things that would otherwise have been difficult to come across. But the internet has done its fair share of harm too. It’s easy to get lost in the glamorous images and sexy stories posted, and before long the grass looks a whole lot greener on the neighbor’s side of the fence.

It’s a constant effort to remind myself that these are snapshots of people’s lives, not complete images. And they’re photo-shopped, carefully chosen, edited ones at that. I have to be vigilant to be sure I’m not fooled into believing everything I see. I need to constantly remind myself that what I see isn’t necessarily a reflection of what exists.

Not every woman practicing BDSM is a size 0.

D/s couples disagree. Sometimes they fight.

The people in those pictures suffer from depression, PTSD, and anxiety.

Not every sub is female, and not every Dom is male.

Sometimes shit happens. (Quite literally, if you enjoy anal play.) Sometimes a position hurts, heads bang together, legs give out, or you end up roaring with laughter and not release.

Bondage doesn’t just happen. There’s preparation, and safety precautions, and chaffing. Those don’t show in pictures.

Not every sub can deepthroat a 9-inch cock.

For that matter, not every man has a 9-inch cock. (Shocking, I know.)

People have bad days. Dom's cry. Subs forget and act out.

Whether or not you enjoy anal, or humiliation or bruising isn’t what defines you…on either side of the slash.

There’s nothing wrong with being a Top, or a bottom, and not wanting that dynamic to leave the bedroom.

And, on that note, Dominance and submission are not about kinky sex. You can fuck in the dark in the missionary position, or not at all for that matter, and still be in a power exchange relationship.

So I try to step back. I look at the photo of the woman, with the perfect hair and flat stomach, kneeling before a man with a pristine suit and a three thousand dollar watch on his wrist, and try to remind myself that the reality is better. The messy tearful days, the laughter over a queef at the wrong moment, the note left behind on a busy morning, and the run in a stocking on a soft chubby thigh… those things are perfect too.

~pleasurewhore

POSSESSION

By Sarah McLachlan

Listen as the wind blows
From across the great divide
Voices trapped in yearning
Memories trapped in time
The night is my companion
And solitude my guide
Would I spend forever here
And not be satisfied

And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And after I'd, wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear

Through this world, I've stumbled
So many times betrayed
Trying to find an honest word
To find the truth enslaved
Oh you speak to me in riddles and
You speak to me in rhymes
My body aches to breathe your breath
Your words keep me alive

And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And after I'd, wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes, dear

Into this night I wander
It's morning that I dread
Another day of knowing of
The path I fear to tread
Oh, into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
Nothing stands between us here
And I won't be denied

And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And after I'd, wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear

I'll hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And after I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes