At this point we have about 38 more hours together before he has to leave again. Im having very mixed emotions... I want to enjoy every second of the these last hours...I can feel the sadness and the dread sinking in. I don't want any of that to come out over the limited time we have together...
How do you express how much you are going to miss someone and not make them feel bad? I don't want him or myself to feel bad or sad...but those emotions are very real for me. I want him to know that I will miss him so much when he is gone...but I want him to know this because I Love him. Is that a female thing? Because he is much better at this than I am...I mean I think some of the emotions that I have get on his nerves...I don't know if it's because he doesn't know how to respond or if he really doesnt want me to miss him?
Either way I get perplexed as to how act sometimes... Do I show my emotions so he can see how I feel about him and know how much I want to be by his side at all times? Or do I keep the happy face all the time and not let him see that side...just let everything be wonderful all the time? My face gives me away for how I am feeling most of the time...so that last part is extremely difficult.
Today he placed my new collar on me...and I love it. It is absolutley gorgeous. This a discrete day collar that was specially made for me. He placed it around my neck, latched the tiny heart locket and secured it with a tiny key. This has to be the most precious thing that has ever been given to me. It truly shows that I am bonded to him. I cant explain the pride I feel with this beautiful gift around my neck.
Somehow this symbol of ownership does show me how he feels as well...even though he is doesn't express his feelings in words quite like I do...he does in other ways. One of them (and one of the most precious to me) is how he does exerts his ownership of me...and this beautiful collar around my neck will remind me everyday of how he feels...especially when I need it most when he is gone.
I can easily pretend that this tiny lock around my neck is for me to keep all of these emotions that bind me to him inside of it...along with the emotions that I think he has...and smile knowing that it holds inside of it what drives our passion. This will help me keep a smile...not to cry so much when he is gone...and remember why he gave it to me and be proud that he chose me.