Messages from the bottle

So this content comes with a warning. I am a recovered addict. Of most things anyway. I still keeps some hardcore addictions (I’m serious). Cigarettes and sugar. I’m a diabetic and I can’t quit sugar. It’s terrible. I’m allergic too sugar as well it makes me itch on my hands and feet. Very weird but yet I can’t stop. Anyway I tell you that to tell you this. I have found great therapy in being able to talk or even fantasize about my previous addictions to alcohol and cocaine.  Now hallelujah I’m blessed to be free of those toxic substances. However there’s a catch to this processing of emotions towards drugs and alcohol.  Like with everything I love I love it too much and that gets me into trouble. But I found that I can romanticize about it and make up fantasy after fantasy of ways I could/ would like to experience life with drugs.  Why because after the fantasy ends so does the actual craving to go to crazy things in real life. So that’s essentially what kinky drug soaked tales are my therapy. Do not assume I still do these things. As I do NOT. It’s just a story. When I tell the stories I feel some sort of honesty come out of me that seems under important in my life right now. My truth in my journey to true sober freedom in bdsm. This is one of those stories dong dong!!

When we met I was a fireball for danger. I saw you at the bar of the casino. That was my favorite place at the casino too I thought. So I picked a seat opposite of him rather than beside. I wanted to catch his eye contact. He looked into his drink.  Then shot it real fast and quickly. His handsome face got bartender attention immediately of course!  But he was respectful to them. I was already jealous.

As usual I was trying to outrun my own trauma from years of mental abuse  I felt like my time clock was ticking  like I had stayed in a train to long and passed my stop hours or even days ago. I too looked into my drink wondering why it always ended up empty eventually.
 Looking at him was inspiring.  His movements were few and relaxed.  Even on a barstool  he looked tall.  Taller than me!  He had sandy colored hair that looked sweaty from a long day at work  His boots told the same story.  a large hood gathered around the back of his neck and his jawline was masculine and clinched whenever he wasn’t taking a sip of his drink  

To my surprise he notices me right away  I’m used to just floating around inserting myself in other people’s excitements but not this time.  This time someone gave me direct eye contact.  While look right at me I noticed his forehead and eyebrows where heavy with deep thought  but his eyes connected with intention.  He ordered another drink and then got up.  Thinking my eye candy was leaving to my surprise he was coming over.  Ok now I’m nervous.  His presence in my orbit was a powerful one.  His smell was intoxicating  it was earthy and real.  No aborcrombie and fitch about it!  He began talking long before my ears caught on to the sound    I snapped too and remembered his words like they were a dream.  But he went on “are you down with going to the club?”  

“The strip club?” I said , “ haven’t been there in awhile, sure!”  I delightfully agreed to this change in venues completely claimed by his voice already.  His energy was intense and his grin dangerous as he led me out of the casino.  I wanted to drive.  He wasn’t having it!  He called an Uber for us to both get a ride to the club.  That was thoughtdul and insightful I thought!  It made me feel secure I suppose that he was feeling responsible despite his bad boy energy.  I didn’t know where all his confidence came from until the middle of the next morning when I finally sat up in that hotel bed next to a real pretty stripper.  Wow I hope I did not sleep with a stripper, again!  Ug  I slid my legs to the right and planned to stand up when I see a rose and a note on the night stand.  Come down stairs for breakfast! 
No name or nothing which I now fully realize I never asked!🫢  None the less how can I refuse such a beautifully made and direct order.  So I flutter down stairs trying to answer questions about what occurred last night to myself.  Nothing is there after we started doing lines off the strippers neck.  She would hanger her delicate head off the stage and stretch her pretty neck out as mystery man lined her with that pretty white stuff  Together we bonded across that girls neck.  At times we would stroke her hair   He put his fingers deep in her hair tight and pulled her neck back  exposing it  to me for my licking enjoyment.  Our eye contact was intense without words.  I remember us kissing her and us kissing.  It was nirvana and like that nothing!  Blackness!  The memories stop.  When the elevator opens to the first floor I smell the air to find the dining area.  I follow it all the way to him  there he is eating something.  I’m instantly relieved.  He stayed and he had a plate set across from him for me I guess  We said little.  It was a peaceful silence.  Eventually though my curiosity got the best of me like it always does!  So I asked him “what all happened after the club now?”  His grin made it look like he just won a secret trophy.  “Wouldnt you like to know” his confident voice challenging my sobriety and cognitive abilities at that time and he knew it.  I shrugged.  Almost blissfully unaware of my trip down sadist lane.  I don’t want to know   Lord knows I lose my religion sometimes!  I better repent right away!  But how? 

If I feel like a pittbull off its leash does that count as pet play?  Feeling like a bad bitch lmao

Funny funny

So you ever love someone so much you let them get away with murder around you?. Ug I have to stop allowing that. Idk. It’s extra hard when it’s your mom. I’m struggling a bit maintaining my emotions while in the throws of a breakdown of a long term relationship.  For some reason my mom will bring up the most depressing shit and go on and on about it. Your sitting there listening debating whether you should blow your own brains out (just an expression no real threat of harming myself ther) or yelling at her that she’s an insufferable moron at times. Really I love her so much I would jump in front of a bus to save her. But sometimes. My hands her neck shake shake shake lol. She just went on and on about death and these dieing suffering cats she seen. I just sat there. What do you say?  I wanted to puke. She even at one point said it makes her sick but talk on she did. I struggle to stay out of deep depression these days. I try to look for the best in everything and everyone but geez Ma!!  She’s killing me slowly with this talk. I just wanted to vent about it because I never want her to know I do find her tough to communicate with at times. My sister can be so harsh to her.  I try to make up for it by being extra understanding. When your having a bad time though it difficult. Yesterday I did pretty good. I had lots of support here. Several people reached out to me to check on me. That set me up for success yesterday. And a certain day dream come true had me in a perfect mind space   I was fulfilled and free to be me. Feeling as though I succeeded at making someone happy.